Author's note: Here's the update. Alex's POV. I hope you like it. Give me any suggestions/crit, but be nice and PLEASE R&R!


Alex sat in his room in a state of stunned silence. He knew that he should be studying for the upcoming exam, but he couldn't get his mind off of Addison and what he told her. He couldn't believe that he had been as much of an ass towards her as he had, especially when all the while all he wanted to do was jump her right then and there as he had done to her earlier.

But Alex had pushed her away. He had let his fears and anxiety based on everything that Ava had told him get to him, and he didn't know how to deal with it, so instead he had made the same mistake as he had made after she had kissed him.

The sex had been incredible, and had Alex seriously thinking that he wanted to have a relationship with Addison, but when Ava told him that Addison was looking for someone to have children with, someone that she could settle down with, and who would be just the family man that she had been looking for because she was at that stage in her life, Alex had freaked out. He didn't know how to be a father, and he wasn't old enough to be settling down just yet. He still had several years to play the field before he was supposed to settle down.

Actually, in reality, Alex had never thought that he would be the kind of guy to settle down. he figured that he would be like Sloan-- doomed to be a man-whore for the rest of his life, because that was just the kind of guy that he was. He didn't let anybody into his heart, and he certainly never talked about feelings.

Alex, however had found himself getting soft, especially while he was on Addison's service. He was becoming more and more personable, and he had an excellent bedside manner, neither of which he had ever expected to happen. He had let it happen-- he had let Addison see the more vulnerable, sensitive side of him and there was no going back, but he wasn't prepared to open up to her, so he figured it was just safer to push her away. She didn't need to be a part of his life, and he sure as hell wasn't about to share his life fully and completely with another person.

On the one hand, Alex Karev was selfish and he liked to be in it for the chase. He enjoyed sex and passion, but he didn't want to be in it for long haul. There was too much sacrifice in that, and he wasn't ready to do that. Or so he told himself. On the other hand, he was scared to death that he would do something to hurt this already damaged woman, and he didn't think that he would be able to live with himself if he broke Addison Montgomery the way that Derek Shepherd had. He already wanted to kill Shepherd for everything that he had done, and in addition to that, Alex hadn't even dated Addison, but he had managed to hurt her deeply after they kissed by telling her that he wasn't interested in being with her, a fact which couldn't have been farther from the truth.

Miraculously, he and Addison had managed to get past the first time that he had lashed out at her, and Alex was really enjoying where they were. Addison was ridiculously flirtatious around him, and it made him feel comfortable. It felt like this is the way that things were supposed to be, and it scared him because he could have gotten used to being with her like that. Granted, it wasn't like they were in a relationship, but she was certainly reaching out to him, that much was evident. All she wanted was for him to bite, to give her a chance. The first time that he had hurt her earlier that day was by rubbing her deal with Mark in her face, when he could tell that all she wanted was for him to tell her that she mattered to him, and he couldn't do that. He was immature, and he pushed her away again. That had hurt and scared her, which was why she behaved childishly in her own right, screaming at him and then jumping him. She had needed reassurance, she needed to feel that she was desirable, and he had given it to her. He still found it hard to believe that Shepherd had broken her so badly that the slightest rejection made her that scared. But that led to thinking about how much better he could treat her, that he wanted to make everything okay for her, and he got scared. It bothered him for the rest of the day, and explained why he was so mean to her later on.

Finally, Alex gave up all pretenses and closed his books, turning the lights out and lying down in his bed. He could hear Izzie downstairs doing something in the kitchen, but other than that the house was silent. Alex tried to sleep, but no matter how hard he tried, his mind kept going back to the expression on Addison's face when he had snapped at her earlier. If he had had her number, he would have called her and apologized by now, he thought. He had thought of going over to the hotel that she was staying in, but thought the better of it, because he might come off too desperate or like a stalker, and in addition he figured that he should give her some space because she would clearly still be hurt and probably needed some time to calm down. So instead, he lay there, thinking about what he would tell her when he saw her the next day at the hospital. He wanted to go up to her and apologize first thing in the morning, so he planned out what he would say in his head. He went through it over and over again as he tried to fall asleep, but nothing was working. Even having a plan wasn't good enough-- he wanted to do something about it now.

The worst part of what he had said was seeing the way that her posture changed as she left. It wasn't that noticeable, unless you really paid attention, or maybe he was reading to much into it, but he could swear that her head wasn't held quite as high as she walked out that door, and though physically maybe nothing had changed, she just seemed deflated. And to think that she had been so cheerful when she walked up to him, hoping to make something of the night, which had still been young. He hadn't been afraid to just burst her bubble and tell her that she wasn't his girlfriend. He wished that his tone had been kinder, that there had been humor in his eyes at the very least, that she could have known that he didn't mean the things that were coming out of his mouth, and that what he wanted more than anything was to take back every single thing that he had said to her, to kiss it and make it better.

Alex knew that he had cut her down, and that it was going to take a lot to get her back to where they had been before that scene. He wanted to think of a way of getting her to trust him not to hurt her again, because he could tell that she was bleeding. She had looked happier that night than he had seen her in...probably as long as he had known her, and he had just wiped the smile off of her face, leaving in its wake anguish that he could not describe. He could tell that for her, his words had realized her greatest fear and something within her seemed to have died. He could have been overreacting, but there was also a chance that he hadn't been imagining things, and in that case, he needed to make things right. He didn't want to lose her.