Chapter 2: It Wasn't Your Fault Kurt
-Kurt's POV-
'I really don't mean to. It won't be easy and I'm not going to lie to you and say that after one or two sessions you're going to be magically cured. It will take effort on your part and each hour, each day, each week, hopefully we'll be able to chip away at the problem, knocking it down and building a stronger mind set in its place. So, the possibility of a brighter future? Seeing life in a more positive light? Achieving goals you'd never dreamed of? That sounds pretty good right? Like it might be worth a shot?'
'I don't know... maybe. I need to think about it.'
'It's completely up to you. I believe six sessions have already been paid for but I'll give you to the end of the week to think it through... if you decide not to go ahead with the remaining five sessions just give us a call and we'll sort out a refund ok?'
'Thanks.'
'Before we finish, I'd like to talk to you about keeping safe. With your recent history of attempting to take your own life, do you feel in the near future that you may be at risk?'
'Um... no, I don't think so. It depends on triggers.'
'Ok, well if you do feel you're getting to that low point, please either ring us here, or a helpline or take yourself to hospital. I want you to stay safe Kurt, there's help out there, you just have to ask for it. Don't ever feel like it doesn't matter, talk to someone and we'll get you the help you need.'
'Ok,' I nodded.
'Another thing, if you do continue with the sessions, which I hope you do, would you rather see a female? It would be no problem to transfer you to one of my colleagues if that would make you feel more comfortable about attending?'
'No, I'm not bothered,' I shrugged.
'Ok, well it was really great to meet you today Kurt and I hope to see you next week.'
Blaine stood up from his chair, so I did the same. He opened his office door and I followed him to the top of the stairs we'd come up. He turned to me and held his hand out again.
'Take care Kurt,' he smiled as I shook his hand.
I didn't reply, but smiled back slightly. As soon as Blaine turned back towards his office I walked down the stairs and I let out a huge sigh of relief. I felt completely and utterly drained, like I'd ran a marathon or something. Who knew sitting and thinking could be so exhausting? I just wanted to go home now and crawl into bed for a few hours. I reached the waiting area and Dad spotted me straight away, jumping up from his seat.
'So how did it go?' he asked as we walked out of the building together.
'Waste of time,' I replied. Well I was hardly going to tell him the truth was I?
'Kurt, I've paid upfront for six sessions and you're going to every one of them. Do you understand?'
'Loud and clear Dad,' I replied.
I had a lot of thinking to do. I'd just spilled my biggest secret to a stranger who spends far too much time on his hair and looked barely old enough to vote, let alone have a PhD or whatever. What was I getting into? Did I really want to dissect my past with a complete stranger? Wasn't all this psychology stuff a bunch of crap anyway? One thing was for sure though, I needed some painkillers, I had a thumping headache.
-Blaine's POV-
After a very long and tiring day, I got back to my apartment just after six. It was days like this that I really valued my job and the study I put into it. There will always be people who are struggling mentally, their condition impacting their lives in a cruel way, and knowing there was a possibility I could help them overcome their obstacles was a great comfort to me. Helping people just made sense, and I couldn't see myself doing anything else.
Mark was already home, chatting to someone on his phone in the kitchen as he made something to eat, well I say made, something was whirring away in the microwave. We smiled at each other as I walked past the open doorway and then I went to sit down on the sofa in the living room, pulling out some books, a note pad and a pen from my bag. I got to work and a few minutes later I heard Mark saying 'Bye then,' and then his footsteps.
'Hey, fancy going out for a couple of drinks tonight?' Mark asked me, standing in the doorway. 'Ryan and his brother are in town for a couple of days.'
'Not tonight, I want to read up on a few things... you go though.' After all they were Mark's old college friends, not mine, and 'a couple of drinks' usually meant staggering home at 4am having lost your keys and wallet, along with your dignity.
'Oh come on Blaine, it'll be a laugh.'
'Sorry, I really can't.'
'Why not? Surely you don't need to be spending all evening reading?'
'Well, I saw a new client today and I want to be more prepared for our next session... he really threw me.'
'Don't tell me... his Mommy left him? His Daddy beat him? He just wants to be loved?'
'Mark, don't,' I warned him.
'Oh lighten up... so what's wrong with this one then?'
'You know I can't tell you,' I said to Mark for what felt like the millionth time. It was beyond tedious now. I'd never given out any details about my clients before, and I wasn't about to start now. He knew that, yet he still asks.
'Blaine, just do your research or whatever later, or tomorrow evening... just not now, please? Let's go have some fun.'
'It needs to be done whilst it's still fresh in my memory. But you go out and have a good time.'
'I'm getting tired of you bringing your work home with you all the time,' Mark sighed. 'If you're not reading you're on the net looking stuff up, or making notes... don't you think it's a bit... excessive?'
'I take my work very seriously.'
'Well at this rate I'll have to pay for sessions just to spend some quality time with my own bloody boyfriend.'
'Don't be so dramatic.'
Mark walked off in a huff back into the kitchen. The last thing I needed right now was an argument. Although it seemed to be a common occurrence between us these days. I needed painkillers, my head was exploding.
-Kurt's POV-
The week had gone by so quickly. It seemed that one minute I was arriving home after seeing Dr Anderson, and the next I was about to leave the house for my next appointment. I'd decided I had nothing to lose by giving the treatment a go, after all I'd had no intention of ever telling anyone about my past yet I blurted it all out in the very first appointment.
I walked down the stairs and grabbed my favourite coat which was hanging up by the front door. I double checked that my car keys were still in my pocket where I'd left them before reaching for the door handle.
'Wait up,' my Dad shouted behind me, appearing out of the kitchen with a piece of toast in his hand. 'I just need to find my shoes. Carole keeps putting them away.'
'Well what do you expect when you just dump them by the front door? It's untidy.'
'Yeah yeah,' Dad mumbled.
'Anyway, there's really no need for you to find your shoes, I can go by myself. I don't need you holding my hand again.'
'I don't think so,' Dad sighed, coming to a stop in front of me. He was giving me a look which clearly said he didn't trust me, but I really needed to do this on my own.
'You know they'd call if I didn't show up, they've only got the house number. Please, just trust me on this.'
'I don't know Kurt.'
'Please? If I'm lying I give you permission to force me to sit through an entire football game.'
Dad laughed. 'Well that I'd love to see.'
'Just have a little faith in me Dad.'
'Well I suppose you have seemed a little better this week and I'm proud of you for actually wanting to go back. Your first session was helpful then?'
I rolled my eyes. 'Like I've said three hundred times already this week, I don't want to talk about it.'
'But you did talk to that doctor right? I mean, you didn't just sit in silence for thirty minutes?'
'Well obviously I talked to him and stuff, but that's all you're getting.'
'Ok, ok... well as long as you talk to the doctor, that's something at least.'
'Can I go on my own then?' I asked with a hopeful smile.
'Yes,' Dad replied. 'We'll talk later tonight after dinner.'
'Thanks Dad.'
'It's good to see you again,' Blaine smiled as I walked up to him in reception. I didn't say anything, but smiled very briefly. Once again I followed him up to his office and took a seat on one of the lime green eyesores. Did they seriously think that they looked good? He offered me a drink but I declined just like last time. I didn't understand how someone could drink during a therapy session, it was just too nerve wracking.
'So... how have you been feeling since our first meeting?' Blaine asked once he'd made himself comfortable opposite me, my file lying open on his lap and pen poised. 'I know to begin with you weren't too happy about being here, but the fact you have returned, I hope, means you took away some positives last week.'
'I've been ok,' I shrugged. Oh here we go again, me acting like a stroppy kid with the ability to only give very short answers.
'Could you tell me what made you decide to come today? Was it one particular thing or a combination of factors?'
'Um, well it makes my Dad happy.'
'Is that the only reason? Was it purely to appease another person or did you have a reason yourself for returning?'
'Well I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.'
Blaine laughed. 'Well that's good to hear. What were you expecting prior to the last appointment?'
'Honestly?'
'It's the best policy,' Blaine smirked and I rolled my eyes at him.
'Well honestly, I expected some old guy with a beard telling me all my problems stemmed from when I was six or something.'
Blaine laughed again. He had such a nice laugh and his whole face lit up making him look seriously adorable. I noticed he didn't have any rings on his fingers so he probably wasn't married. But he was bound to have some model looking girlfriend. Lucky bitch.
'Well we don't have anyone working here with that description. I can see how that would be pretty off putting though. So do you feel more positive about these sessions now?'
'A little. Like you said last time, I've nothing to lose really. And my Dad's paying so...'
'Ah yes, the banks of Mom's and Dad's,' Blaine smiled. 'Well that's really great Kurt and I mean it when I say I'm glad you came back. Something I meant to touch on last time... can I ask if you're taking any medication in relation to your mental health? You really don't have to tell me if you don't want to.'
'I'm on anti-depressants.'
'Ok, do you mind if I ask if they're helping?'
'I don't know yet, I only started taking them three weeks ago. Apparently it can take a month or two for the effects to kick in.'
Blaine smiled at me before scribbling something down in my notes. 'Now Kurt, last week you told me how you were raped when you were seventeen, and that it was the first time you'd ever told anyone. How do you feel about that now you've had time to reflect on it? That was a very brave thing you did.'
There was that 'brave' word again; they didn't give up did they? 'Um... I don't know,' I mumbled, scratching my left arm with my right hand nervously. 'Ok I suppose.'
'Do you regret telling me at all?' Blaine asked, tilting his head to one side and studying me closely.
'No,' I said with a shake of the head. 'I think... I dunno, it was a... relief I suppose.'
'In what way?'
'I said it and... and nothing bad happened.'
'That's brilliant Kurt, it's great you've been able to see and think of it in that way. The more we discuss a subject the less it will affect you. After all it's only words. We can't change what has happened in the past, but hopefully we can massively change your future, which is what these sessions are all about. For example, after a death some people see the grieving process as completely putting an end to any talk of the person who died. If you don't mention something it can't hurt you right? But suppressing it is the most harmful thing you can do. As countless studies show, talking about them, although especially painful at first, is a really effective tool in not letting your mind take control.'
'I guess,' I shrugged, not knowing what else to say.
'Kurt, I'd like to use this session to talk about what happened. Would you be ok with that?'
I swallowed nervously before replying. 'Um, sure.'
'If you don't want to answer something that's completely fine, or if you want to stop at any time just tell me ok? If it proves too difficult we can always try again another time.'
'Ok.'
'Did you know your attacker Kurt?' Blaine asked and I nodded that I did.
'He was at my school,' I said quietly.
'Was he a friend?'
'No,' I scoffed. 'He... he was on the football team... and... and he bullied me.'
'What sort of things did he do to you?'
'Called me names, pushed me over, threw slushies in my face, and shoved me into lockers... then one day I snapped. I followed him into the changing rooms, demanding to know what his problem was.'
I took a deep breath. My hands were shaking slightly, but not as much as the previous week. I closed my eyes and told myself to get a grip and thought back to everything Blaine had told me. They were just words; nothing was going to happen by talking about it. He wasn't here. I was safe. I opened my eyes to see Blaine watching me carefully.
'How did he respond to being confronted?' he asked.
'H-He kissed me.'
Blaine raised his eyebrows in slight surprise. 'Well it sounds as though he was bullying you because he was confused over his own sexuality.'
'Yeah that's pretty much what I thought.'
'That must have been a difficult time for you?'
'Yeah... I guess I was more upset that he'd stolen my first kiss.'
'Of course. What happened afterwards?'
'He threatened to kill me if I told anyone what happened... like anyone would have believed me anyway.'
'Did you tell anyone about the kiss or the threat?' Blaine asked.
'Not then, no,' I replied. 'Things just went back to how they were until...'
'Until what Kurt?'
'Junior Prom. He... he was elected King... and... and...'
'It's ok, take your time,' Blaine said kindly. 'You're doing really great.'
'Some of the other kids... they played a joke on me... elected me Queen. I was going to run, it was so humiliating, but a little voice in my head said to just hold my head up high and go and get coronated... so with the little courage I had left, that's what I did.'
'Good for you,' Blaine smiled. 'Was he in on the joke they played?'
'No... he thought I had arranged it all, that I was trying to get him back for all the bullying... that I was trying to "out" him in some way. H-he told me I wouldn't get a-away with it.'
Oh God, I was crying now. I leaned my head back and tried to blink away the tears, but it was no use. Blaine passed me a tissue and I mumbled 'thanks,' then dabbed at my eyes. I tried to steady my breathing for a couple of minutes. This was so hard, but at the same time it was as though a weight was being lifted from my shoulders with every word. It was a long time ago; I shouldn't be so scared anymore.
'What happened then Kurt?'
'I left the prom and went to sit in the school choir room... I must have been in there for a while because when I came out everybody was already gone. I was... walking to my car... and I heard somebody behind me... I turned and...'
'There you are you fucking little fag.'
'...it was him... he... he followed me...'
'Where do you think you're going you disgusting fairy?'
'... I t-thought he was going to h-hit me or something... but... but then h-he... p-p-please don't m-make me say it a-again.'
I slid from the chair onto the carpet, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and closing my eyes as I let the tears continue to flow, I was beyond being able to control them now and didn't even have the energy to feel embarrassed about it. I felt sick and I was shaking uncontrollably.
'This is what you want isn't it?'
'You make me sick.'
'You're a perverted little Queen and nobody will ever want you.'
I gasped and opened my eyes as I felt a hand land gently on my shoulder. Blaine was kneeling in front of me. His eyes looked watery, but I couldn't be sure whether my own tear filled ones were blurring my vision. I shook my head and closed my eyes again; the idea was completely absurd, as if Dr Anderson would get teary over me. After a few seconds I looked up at him again. Wow he had such gorgeous eyes. They were like pools of-
'Kurt... you're safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you. I think you're a really courageous young man.'
'I don't feel like it,' I replied.
Blaine's hand left my shoulder but he didn't move from his position in front of me. I felt like telling him that he was creasing his expensive suit trousers by kneeling on them but he spoke before me. 'What did you do after the attack Kurt?'
'I pretended I was sick for a week, but then my Dad started to get suspicious, asking me lots of questions. I didn't want to go back to school, I couldn't go back, so I... I raided the bathroom cabinet and downed a load of pills. My step Mom found me pretty quickly... otherwise...'
'Did you go to hospital?'
'Yeah. They kept me in for a couple of days.'
'Were you assessed at the hospital by a Psychiatrist?' Blaine asked.
'Yeah I was. I told him it was because of the bullying. It led to... to him being expelled.'
'Why didn't you tell anyone he'd attacked you?'
'I couldn't,' I whispered, more tears spilling from my eyes. 'Nobody would have believed me anyway.'
'Do you really think that?'
'Yeah. I was just a stupid teenager and he was a popular football player.'
'At the time you were just seventeen and extremely vulnerable. I understand you would have been in a very difficult and lonely place. But looking back, do you believe your Dad would have thought you were lying if you'd told him what happened?'
I thought for a moment before answering. 'No I guess not.'
'Were there other reasons you didn't tell anyone?'
'I was ashamed,' I whispered. 'I didn't hide my sexuality at school and... maybe I did go a bit overboard expressing myself... I thought people might say I was asking for-'
'It wasn't your fault Kurt.'
I nodded. 'I know. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.'
'It sure is. What led you to your most recent suicide attempt?'
I took a deep breath. 'A build-up of things. My step Mom was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and it brought back all the memories of when my Mom died and I didn't handle it very well.'
'I'm sorry to hear about your step Mom, it must have been an awful time when you all got the news.'
'Yeah it was. She was the one who stayed strong; the rest of us just fell apart. I um... I go to this er... gay bar most Friday and Saturday nights. Just to try and feel normal for a while and to get drunk. For a few hours I almost forget what a freak I-'
'Kurt you're not a freak.'
'Aren't I?'
'No,' Blaine said, shaking his head.
'Well you are a doctor, I guess I should trust you,' I joked.
'Well thank you,' Blaine laughed.
'Um... shall we get up?' I suggested, only just remembering again that we were still on the floor.
'Yes, of course,' Blaine replied and we both got up from the floor and sat back down in our seats. 'Er... where were we? Oh yes, in what way did you not handle your step Mom's cancer diagnosis?'
'Well I drank... even more than I was already. Then a few weeks ago at the bar I go to, a guy offered to buy me a drink. I declined as I always do and said I was waiting for someone but he just smirked at me and then I felt his hand land on my hip and I just lost it... I screamed at him. But he... he called me a tease and a whore.'
I sighed and looked away from Blaine. 'How did that make you feel?' he asked me after a few moments of silence.
'Pathetic, stupid, worthless... when I got home I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and hated, despised what I was seeing. I'm twenty four, I've never had a boyfriend, I've only got two friends who have bothered to stick around, I'm a teaching assistant to six year olds because I don't belong in the adult world. I've spent seven years just existing, keeping to myself, having nightmares... nothing has changed. It's as t-though my life f-froze that n-night and it'll never m-move forwards, ever.'
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Jesus, where had all that come from? Blaine had been hanging on my every word, his eyes slightly widened and his brow furrowed in thought. 'It's completely understandable you feel this way Kurt. But things can change, I know it's scary and sometimes even seems impossible, but life doesn't have to be that way.'
'Have you got a magic wand?'
'I'm sorry, I didn't go to Hogwarts,' Blaine replied and I couldn't help laughing. He joined in too. 'It would be cool to have a magic wand though, would make my job the easiest in the world.'
'Well let me know if you get an owl from Professor McGonagall,' I teased and Blaine laughed again.
'I will do.' Blaine had a quick glance at his notes before looking at me again. 'Do you mind me asking how you tried to take your life, the second time?' I lifted my left arm up and showed Blaine my wrist. He looked at the scar there and nodded that he understood. 'Who found you?'
'My Dad.'
'Would your Dad say you were pathetic? Stupid? Worthless?'
I frowned. 'Er... no.'
'What about your step Mom?'
'No.'
'Kurt, these thoughts that you're having... the demon inside your head wants you to feel that way. He feeds on your negativity and vulnerability. He'd love for you to just carry on with life as you have been. It's somewhat comfortable and easy... but we both know that's not what you want. We want to reverse that vicious cycle of feeling down, therefore not doing the things that bring you joy, which it turn makes you feel even worse about yourself. It's a bit like a muscle, you have to really work at it and push through the pain to get it stronger. Does that make sense to you?'
'Yeah,' I replied.
'So what would you say to someone else who was in your position?'
'I... I don't...'
'Ok, let's try something. I'm you ok? You're a friend, someone who cares about me and has my best interests at heart.'
Role-play? Oh God was he for real? I laughed nervously. 'Oh I don't think, um...'
'Just give it a try Kurt,' Blaine smiled. 'What's the worst that can happen?'
'I'll look completely stupid,' I replied, blushing a little with embarrassment.
Blaine shrugged. 'So? It's only me and you here and maybe I'll be the one who looks stupid.'
Blaine laughed and I couldn't help giggling either. I can't believe he wanted to do role-play. Oh god, this was going to be a complete car crash. He actually looked kind of excited by the idea, like it was his favourite thing to do or something.
'Shall we give it a go?' Blaine asked with a cheeky smile that made my heart flutter.
I sighed. 'Ok.'
'Cool.'
Blaine sort of psyched himself up before speaking again. 'Right... when I was seventeen I was violated in a horrible attack. Now I'm twenty four and I still have nightmares about it, I find it hard to relate to adults and I've never had a boyfriend. That's pathetic isn't it?'
Blaine was looking at me, waiting for my response. I almost laughed, this was just beyond ridiculous. But I guess I should at least try to play along. Ok, so what advice would I give to someone else? I took a deep breath, here goes nothing.
'Um, no it's... it's not pathetic,' I mumbled, just saying the first thing that came into my mind. 'It's understandable after what... happened.'
'But I feel so stupid and worthless. I'd be better off dead.'
'No you wouldn't,' I retorted immediately, surprising myself.
'Well what have I got to live for?' Blaine asked.
'Er, your family, friends... um, the future.'
Blaine gave me a warm smile. He was so good at making me feel calm and worth helping, but then I have to remind myself it's just his job. He's getting paid to do this; he's not a real friend.
