If I Only Were A Goth – ThouShaltNot
Phoenix Wright had always enjoyed Halloween; he liked the creative costumes, the festive atmosphere, and handing out candy to cute kids that were only too grateful for more sugar.
Not this year, however. This year was going to be torture.
The attorney hadn't worn a costume himself in years, since he much preferred giving out candy and watching the trick-or-treaters from his apartment. But this was going to be Pearl's first Halloween, so he gave in to Maya's plea and agreed to allow her to get him a costume.
What a mistake that would be.
"Well, Nick…I have some bad news," Maya said after she and Pearl entered Phoenix's apartment. She sent Pearly off to get ready and continued. "I sorta forgot that I have no money…so we'll just have to improvise your costume!" She was instantly chipper. Phoenix, on the other hand, felt his heart sinking to his feet. The only thing he trusted less than Maya buying him a costume was Maya making him a costume.
"Okay…well, did you at least bring something to make a costume, or do I have to find something myself?" Phoenix asked, crossing his arms across his chest.
"Of course I brought stuff, silly! Here, I'll help you get ready. Come on!" Maya grabbed hold of Phoenix's arm and dragged him toward the bathroom. He became increasingly disheartened.
"So, you should probably put your actual costume on first, and then we'll do your make-up. Just one sec…" Maya began digging through the large tote bad she brought with her. Phoenix could no longer hide his distain and groaned loudly.
"Make-up? Please tell me you're joking. I mean, a costume is one thing, but-" Maya cut him off. "You have to have make-up, Nick! It makes the costume! Look, just trust me, okay? Relax." Phoenix was not comforted.
He was even more nervous when Maya brought out a very tight-looking pair of black jeans and a black t-shirt to match. "Maya…" Phoenix began. "Those look like they're your size."
"They are. Why?" Her face remained expressionless.
"What do you mean, 'why'?! How are those supposed to fit me?!" Phoenix shouted.
"Cool it, Nick, they're supposed to look tight! Besides, they're the only black things I could find," she said sheepishly. "You're gonna be a vampire! They're all the rage now, what with that one book series…"
"Are you talking about Twilight?" Phoenix asked with a sigh.
"Yeah, that's it…wow Nick, how'd you know? Have you read them?"
"N-no, of course not!" Phoenix said, his face turning a bright red. "I just…give me those and I'll change." He snatched the clothes from Maya and walked toward his bedroom.
After much struggle, Phoenix managed to get into the ridiculous ensemble and retuned to the bathroom, where Maya was waiting. She went into hysterics the instant she saw him. After collapsing to the floor and laughing for several minutes straight, she got back to her feet. "I'm sorry Nick, you, pwhh, look awesome!" She reached into her bag again, and this time pulled out a handful of intimidating-looking tools. "Time for make-up!" she said. She forced Phoenix into a chair in front of the mirror and got to work.
Phoenix sat there as calmly as he could, but when he saw Maya grab a second eyeliner pencil, he got scared. "Maya, you used up a whole thing of eyeliner already! I think that's plenty!" he said, terrified.
"I know what I'm doing Nick, yeesh. Alright, aaand…you're done!" Maya moved so Phoenix could see himself. He stood up and almost fell to the ground. "What the hell is this?!" Phoenix did his best not to cry at the sight of himself—if nothing else, because he didn't want the eyeliner, which now formed huge black circles around his eyes, to smudge and become any worse.
"Oh don't be a baby, you look great! That black lipstick really suits you. Um…" Maya bit her lip. "It looks like I forgot the plastic teeth. And the cloak. So, this is your costume!" she said with a flourish, a silly grin on her face.
Phoenix just stared, his empty eyes glowing white against the black of his makeup. "So basically, I'm just a 24 year old man dressed like a troubled teenager. Brilliant." He became aware of something around his throat. He looked and saw the black choker necklace with silver spikes secured menacingly just below his Adam's apple. "Where did you get this?" he asked. "Please don't tell me it's yours."
"Haha, very funny. Actually, it's a, um, dog collar!" Maya answered.
"Oh, God…" Phoenix buried his head in hands, but immediately lifted it for fear of smearing the makeup into an even more ridiculous state. "Let's just get this over with." The man left Maya to change and sulkily went to set up for trick-or-treaters.
He found Pearl in the kitchen, organizing the candy and looking at it longingly. She was dressed as an adorable little mummy. Phoenix smiled and went over to her. "Pearls, you can have a piece of candy if you like."
Pearl glanced up and smiled. Part of her mummy wrapping flopped in her eyes as she did. "Oh, thank you Mr. Nick!" she said as she grabbed a Snickers bar from the counter. "Um, you look very…frightening, Mr. Nick. Is that what you're supposed to say on Halloween?" Pearl looked very confused.
Poor thing, Phoenix thought. So sheltered. He patted her head and moved the candy bowl near the door.
Maya exited the bathroom just as the doorbell rang. Phoenix was walking to the door, but he stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Maya. She was dressed in the most elaborate—and probably most expensive—Pink Princess costume he had ever seen. At first he thought that she actually looked quite pretty, but he quickly became too angry to think of complimenting her.
"Maya, how did you afford that?! I thought you said you had no money for costumes!" he exclaimed.
Maya rolled her eyes at him. "I didn't say I was broke before I went to find costumes. I bought mine and Pearly's, but then I ran out of money for yours!"
Phoenix was beginning to get angry. "So, you bought that ridiculous costume, which you'll wear once, and didn't even stop to think about me! Instead, you dressed me up like a moron with no regard for how I'd feel! Talk about selfish, Maya!" he shouted at her.
Maya began to pout and slumped her shoulders. She mumbled something about Pearl being able to wear it someday, but Phoenix was in no mood to forgive her so easily. Pearl saw Maya's dejected posture and immediately jumped to her defense. "Mr. Nick, how could you?! That's no way to talk to your special someone!" Pearl reached up to smack Phoenix across the face, but her costume was hindering her vision, so she missed and hit him in the eye.
Phoenix yelped. For an 8-year-old girl, she packed a powerful punch. Well, at least the make-up will hide the black eye I'll probably have soon, he thought bitterly.
The bell rang again, and again, and again as the ringer became more impatient. Phoenix hurried to the door, feigning happiness the best he could. "Happy Hallow- Larry! What the heck are you doing here?!" he yelled as he realized it was not a child at the door, but rather his best friend since grade school, dressed in prisoner garb. He had handcuffs shaped as hearts around his wrists.
"What, you're not happy to see me? I thought I'd just stop by to hang out, but if you're gonna be like that…" Larry paused to look at Phoenix. "Dude, are you wearing guy-liner?" Larry started giggling.
"Oh just shut up and come in, Larry. What are you supposed to be?" Phoenix snapped, surveying Larry's outfit.
Larry entered the apartment, grabbed a handful of candy, and collapsed on the couch. "Dude, Nick, I'm a Prisoner of Love! Y'know, since Polly dumped me, I've realized that chicks have just been taking advantage of me, and I'm done with it! I'm locked up in this cage, but that cage is my own heart!" he snapped right back.
Polly? thought Phoenix. What a stupid name. His thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell again. He opened it, Maya holding the candy bowl beside him. He supposed she was trying to make amends by helping. "Happy Halloween!" he said cheerfully. Maya held the candy out to children.
Looking at those adorable little costumes and big toothless smiles, Phoenix was reminded why he loved Halloween. That is, until they caught sight of him.
"Eww, it's a Goth guy!" The kids screamed, and they ran from his apartment without candy.
"Wait no, I'm a vampire! That's all!" Phoenix called after them. One of the kids reappeared in the doorway. "Shut up, emo!" the boy said as he kicked Phoenix in the shin, and ran away again.
"Arrgh! I'm done!" Phoenix limped to the couch and left Maya in charge of handing out candy for the rest of the night.
Two hours later, the trick-or-treaters had all gone home, and Phoenix went to change into normal clothes. He came back to the living room and saw Pearl asleep on the couch, chocolate smudges all over her mummy costume. Unfortunately, Larry was lying on the floor in a similar position, which made the scene far less endearing. Phoenix woke him up and sent him home, and Maya helped Pearl out of her costume and the two went home themselves. Once everyone cleared out, Phoenix went to bed, thankful that the night was finally over.
…
It was Monday morning, and Phoenix was sitting in the defendant's lobby, waiting for the trial to begin. He had washed his face for two hours the day before, but the make-up Maya attacked him with refused to come off: the eyeliner specifically. The horrid black rings remained around his eyes, as if he hadn't been able to sleep for the past year.
"Long night, Wright?" Phoenix cringed at that voice. He turned to see Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth silently laughing at him.
"Looks like you got in a fight, pal," said Detective Gumshoe, who had just walked up. He looked at Phoenix, scratched his head, and chuckled.
"Ugh, please don't ask…" Phoenix said. He swore to himself that he would never dress for Halloween again.
