Hey guys, bad news timeeee.
I kind of finished the planning for grenade, after like, a year of vengefully staring at it every time I opened google docs. Except, you know, that was also a lie because I may have finished The Nine Chapters I Was Originally Planning, alas I can't squish an angsty, trying plot into like one chapter, so I was like, "You know what, 2016 Me? Fuck you, and fuck your original plans. It's Me From The Future Here to shit on your face and show you how it's done by RUINING YOUR AESTHETIC."
So, basically, this story is just going to be like ten or more chapters long. Because I waste too much word space World and Character Building. And now I need to resolve all the shit I started, irresponsibly, in the final chapters. (Theoretically speaking, because I could drop off the face of the planet again before I even get to uploading chapter four.)
Anyway, I forgot everyone hates this fic.
Revised by Piriluk on 17/4/17.
Her head was pounding to the beat of the bass as if she were still at the party, lost in the crowd, spinning her thoughts and her surroundings.
Steadily, Rin lowered herself down onto the curb of the park to sober up a little, her insides sloshing uncomfortably. A young family walking by stared as she bent forward to cradle her head in her hands.
Look at that girl, look at the mess she is, don't be like her – don't, don't.
It was always fun for a while – until she crashed and burned in an alcohol-induced depression.
Sniffing, Rin fumbled for her purse and pulled out a polaroid image, faded and torn at the edges. She had discovered it buried in a shoebox the other weekend, hidden for years from the cold eyes of her mother.
It was the only one Mum didn't find.
She'd thought that all the photographs before the divorce had either been destroyed or taken with her dad. But she'd forgotten completely about this one she'd hidden all those years ago.
Hidden to forget.
The polaroid picture, tiny in the palm of her hand, contained the smiling faces of her and her brother taken during a day at Disneyland. It was so small, yet had the power to harness an overwhelming reminiscence of good (and bad) memories.
It was so simple back then; back before it all turned dark and she couldn't no longer see the future, her future.
Rin closed her fist around the polaroid, ready to throw it away from her—who needed to remember the past, the better times, who needed it—but stopped herself and steadied her breathing.
It was supposed to be a fun day at the acclaimed 'Happiest Place on Earth' with some friends and their parents. And it really was the Happiest Place on Earth. For a while, anyway.
She'd conned Len, who seemed hesitant about the entire venture for a good reason, into buying a matching hat with her.
You're Donald. I'll be Daisy.
Eventually, after many pouts and tugs and guilt trips, she won over his reluctance. The hats costed all their allowance, but it seemed worth it at the time. Except it couldn't rid of the permanent concerned expression that seemed to fall over the boy's face sometimes, which frustrated her to no end.
Forgetting home was too easy for her – and yet, he couldn't. She'd tried to ignore it, tried to let herself have fun for a while.
So, with everything else shoved aside, the day couldn't get any better. Nothing could bring her down from her high.
(She wanted to stay there and become one of the princesses. Life for them just seemed so easy.)
Indeed, nothing could bring her down – except her mother.
Len's concerned expression yanked her back down to reality during the trip home. She'd tried to lighten up the atmosphere in hopes he could, you know, smile – but even she had a tight feeling in her chest as they dragged their feet up to the front door that afternoon. She always had that feeling when she knew something was going to go wrong.
When their mother had answered the door, she was fuming, eyes ablaze.
Despite the eerie silence, there were sounds coming from inside—things being slammed, tossed, turned over—confirming that Dad was home, too. Somehow, from years of experience and having been in the midst of the never-ending family feud, Rin had known all too well they'd been fighting.
"Where have you been?" the woman had demanded, cheeks flushed.
Len had already cowered, pulling his hat from his head as if trying to eliminate all the evidence of their fun day – their one-and-only day of freedom.
Rin swallowed, but her mouth had gone dry. "We told you we were going to Disneyland –"
"No you didn't!" the woman cut in, voice cracking. Her fingers had tightened on the frame of the door, skin turning pallid. "I would never let you go there!"
Before the girl could speak up to defend herself and Len, he'd interjected, "We did! We told you this morning we were going with –"
Rin would never knew who they went with. She'd hardly blinked, and her brother was on the ground by her feet clutching his face, looking pale. Her mother's hand was raised, and immediately she swallowed any words she wanted to say.
Len had merely whimpered in response. But she couldn't do anything. She couldn't move. Nothing.
"Don't backchat me!" their mother exclaimed. Her eyes were flashing – and any trace of love or compassion was long gone, swallowed up by pure hatred. "Both of you know I would never let you go to such a place. It's just all a waste of money; it's precious, not worth this – this shit." She tugged Rin's hat off her head and tossed it aside, disgusted. "Unless you're earning it, you have no right to waste it on useless crap like this. None of you have any concept of how expensive and demanding you two already are.
"Both of you are grounded for a month. No ifs or buts."
Just like that, so easy, the day had been ruined. It was torn, it was burned, it was lost forever. Reality had crashed down on her shoulders with the force of a ten tonne slab of concrete, and there she'd lain, bruised and battered, dead and nothing.
Len couldn't look her in the eye for a while after that. It was like it was all her fault.
(And it was. If only she hadn't been so ruthless, so useless –)
Their hats had disappeared, mysteriously or not so, a few months after that event. Her brother claimed he gave his away, but Rin's he had no clue about. Or maybe he did, but he didn't want to admit it.
"Why'd you give it away?" she'd demanded. It had stung, a thousand punches to her chest. She didn't really know why, but –
"It just reminded me of bad things, Rin," he'd answered, expression hollow.
– but it felt like he'd given away something of hers, too, for the same reason.
(It was her heart.)
That was why the stupid photograph had to be forgotten.
But she couldn't bring herself to throw it away. It was so happy at first glance, innocent, everything that could have been that wasn't.
For now, she'd pretend it wasn't the disaster it became.
(You threw me away before I even realised it.)
.
.
.
It caught him by surprise when Lui, of all people, asked if he would be interested in a party held at Yuuma's on the weekend.
"Yeah, man," the redhead answered when Len had to double check he wasn't kidding. "I got these sick shades on Thursday afternoon – I wanna see if I can catch the eye of any cute ladies."
What. Why.
Well, Len didn't really question his logic, because he wanted to go to the party, too. What Lui wanted to do wasn't really his problem. At least, this time, he had a reason to go to a party.
Perhaps things were changing for the better, after all.
When they arrived, a senior—Kaito—was acting as the party's security, checking everyone's student IDs before allowing them inside.
"Oh, shit," cursed Lui on realising this. "I didn't know we had to bring ID. Did you bring ID?"
Len felt a little lightheaded at the thought of walking up to the door, only to be turned away and humiliated in front of everyone.
He took a breath. "Nope. I don't go to parties, Lui. Do you?" He side-glanced his friend, who laughed back with uncertainty.
"Let's just, um, play cool," the boy suggested. "Maybe if we act confident he'll believe us."
Yeah, right, Len mused with a snort.
Before he could make a run for it, though, Kaito saw them lurking in the distance and cocked his eyebrow, folding lean arms over his chest. "What brings you here tonight, gentlemen? I don't often see you two at fun social events."
"I – um, I have some new moves," Lui blurted. "Like, I need to test them out and see if the ladies like them or not."
The bluenette squinted at the pair as they approached. "Are you high?"
Before his friend could say anything else that would humiliate him, Len interjected, "He forgot his ID."
Lui scoffed, opening his mouth to deny the claim, but Kaito spoke first.
"Oh. Forgot his ID?" He hummed to himself in thought. "Well, I guess I know you kids from the baseball club, and you seem like the least likely to create a ruckus, so I'll let you in. Only this time, though. Don't tell anyone I did this or I'll get shit."
He winked at the pair and stepped aside, allowing them in.
Len released a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding.
"Damn," Lui said. "He's cool. What's his name?"
"Kaito," he responded. "He's a part of Yuuma and Miku's group."
The redhead whistled. "Nice. I like him." He was soon distracted by the sight of an esky filled with beer cans near the door. "Oooh boy. Alcohol. Did you want a drink, Len?"
He glanced at the esky. They had to pay ¥200 in order to take one. From memory, there were a few coins rotting in his wallet – one drink wouldn't really matter.
"Yeah, alright," he replied, pulling out his pocket to give him his change. "Just one, though." He knew his dad would kick his ass if he came home drunk.
Lui hurried off to fetch some beer, as if time was the essence. After bumming Len's drink off he disappeared to chase after some girls, leaving the blonde to wander aimlessly by himself.
He took a sip of the bitter drink and screwed up his nose. He wasn't too keen on beer, in all honesty – but he didn't want to be the only one not drinking.
At least now he only looked like some friendless, lonely loser, and not a friendless, lonely loser who refused to drink or smoke or make bad choices.
He found himself upstairs in the midst of his exploration and observation of party life. Down the end of the hall, there were bedrooms – heaven forbid he walk down there and have a lesson on human mating rituals. It also reeked suspiciously – he didn't want to think of what he was inhaling.
It was a big house, all in all; quite Western in style. Whoever it belonged to—Yuuma's parents?—seemed to be living the life of luxury. One would be lucky enough to get a house half the size of this in Tokyo.
As Len turned away to wander back downstairs, he overheard some familiar voices talking—or more so, yelling—from one of the rooms down the hall.
He jerked his head back towards the sound of shouting to see Miku and Yuuma arguing in the doorway of the bathroom. Yuuma was looming over the petite tealette, a dark look in his eyes – his girlfriend stared back up at him, nostrils flaring.
At first, he couldn't really make sense of what was going on, or what exactly they were arguing about – then Miku snatched a snaplock bag of white power from Yuuma's grasp with a scowl, before disappearing into the bathroom with Meiko, a senior, and another girl.
Yuuma started banging his fists against the door. Len felt himself stiffen, fearing he'd turn around and start hitting him. "Ya fuckin' bitch!" he yelled, his deep voice making the walls vibrate. "I paid for that shit, fuckin' hell!"
No matter how much a ruckus he made, his girlfriend refused to emerge. Eventually, the boy gave up and stormed off, eyes narrowing at Len on the way past. After lurking a little longer, in hopes she'd come out, he went downstairs to kill time.
A second beer and an hour or so later, Miku finally emerged from the bathroom.
Len was standing near the door, having small talk with Kaito to pass the time when it happened: like a sixth sense, Yuuma appeared at the foot of the stairs to apprehend his girlfriend.
The room had gone awfully quiet, people turning their heads to see what was happening. Even Kaito stopped mid-sentence to overlook the scene, a crease forming in his forehead.
The pink-haired boy had managed a firm grip on her wrist as she came downstairs. She seemed a little fidgety, unstable, all wide-eyed like she wasn't really all there. He leaned down into her face. "Give it back, you little bitch," he hissed.
Miku laughed, but it seemed off, unlike her usual laugh. Len's skin crawled at the sound – something wasn't right.
"Give back what?" she said, her eyes darting in any direction but his face.
Her boyfriend tugged her arm, sending her stumbling slightly. "You know what. My fuckin' cocaine."
Oh.
The tealette displayed the slightest bit of disagreement, and that was enough to crack Yuuma. He began screaming, "Give it back! Give it back!" like a child having a tantrum, shaking her back and forth.
The fight then escalated, and Len had hardly a moment to process what was happening until Miku was shoved to the floor.
Something in him snapped, and he moved forward in one swift movement, fist slamming into Yuuma's cheek, sending him back.
Ow ow ow ow ow - his face is like a bag of bricks.
Len took a step back with a wince, realising what he'd just done. Yuuma himself seemed surprised by the blow – or maybe he was just intoxicated or high, he didn't know.
He glanced over at Miku, who was trying to push herself up off the ground, before grabbing the tealette and yanking her onto her feet.
She blinked dazedly at him, before looking over at her boyfriend who was clutching his face.
Everything seemed to turn to blur.
Lui appeared, having seen it all, and hastily ushered them out the front door—not without copping a glare from Kaito who rushed to his friend's aid—before Yuuma had a chance to retaliate.
"What the fuck," the redhead was saying, over and over again, as he dragged them down the path speedily towards the train station. "Wait – what the fuck? How did I take her with me, too?" He'd just only realised Miku was the other arm he escaped with.
The tealette giggled, stumbling as he released her like she was on fire. Len reached out to steady her, concerned when her eyeballs started rolling back into her head.
"I guess there's no point in her staying there to get knocked out by Yuuma, Lui," he pointed out.
"Yeah, but running away with his girlfriend after hitting him in the face only means you'll be the one getting knocked out, Len," his friend retorted. "Seriously, what the fuck, man. I wanted to go to a party and find myself a girlfriend – not start a fight club." He glanced over his shoulder. "We better move fast before they come after us."
"They won't," Miku reassured, words slurring, and although she seemed confident in her response, her behaviour didn't make it all that convincing. She turned to Len. "What you did back there was very brave, Len. Thank you – thank you so much." She gave him a pretty smile, eyelids drooping in the slightest.
He reminded himself that she was just as off her face as Yuuma was. Great, he mused. "Uh, where's your house? I'll take you home so you can get back safe."
The girl tilted her head innocently with a pout. "Er, actually…" she began nervously. "Would it be alright if I stay at your place tonight? I just… I don't want to go home, in case… In case…" She trailed off, jerking her head back in the direction of Yuuma's house.
Len hesitated. She seemed pretty worried about it.
"...Okay. Sure."
He hoped that Dad and Lily would be fine with it—it wasn't like he'd exactly planned to bring anyone home with him from the party—especially Miku Hatsune.
They slowed to a stop at the station, and Lui turned to the pair. He seemed to have calmed, a mischievous glint appearing in his eyes; he knew that his friend was thinking dirty about Miku going home with him.
"Well, that was a disaster, so I'll have to leave you two be," he announced. He winked at the boy. "Have a nice night, ladiessss."
After he had sauntered off to the opposite platform to theirs, the blonde turned to his companion. "Don't think much of him."
Miku grinned. "He seems like a nice guy."
Well, I beg to differ, Len commented in his mind. "Uh," he began, "I kind of live out of town. Is that alright with you? It's about an hour to get there."
"Oh? It's not a problem," the tealette said, without any hesitation. Her expression hardly wavered, like it was set in stone. She licked her lips. "Thank you again for letting me crash at your place."
He glanced away. "It's no biggie. Uh, just – I've never brought a girl home before, so if you start getting asked questions, don't worry too much, you know?"
She smiled at him something blinding, as if she understood. "I won't."
The way home was painfully long, having Miku beside him the whole time. He could hear her every breath, smell her perfume and feel her shoulder brush against his every so often. It was as if all his senses were heightened, tuned to her presence.
Len felt lightheaded again when they reached his house – but this time, he was sure it was from breathing in such a concentrated scent of perfume for so long.
"Wow, nice place," Miku commented as he unlocked the door.
"Um, thanks," he mumbled. For some reason he'd always imagined her living in some upper-class, futuristic mansion-like place – or at least somewhere better than his own house, so it was weird to think she'd like it.
He watched with anxiety as she took in her surroundings, eyes scanning the shelves and very few family portraits. He hated when people did this; it always lead to the most awkward conversations. She stopped at a portrait of a younger Rin and him.
"Who's that?" She squinted at the photograph. "A cousin? You two look really alike."
"It's my sister," Len told her, sounding a little dry. "We're twins."
"Oh? You have a sister?" she asked in that tone everyone had when the topic was raised – Where is she? Why isn't she at your school? Is she dead or something?
He gave a curt nod, not really wanting to go into detail of his broken family. Thankfully—or not so—before he could get to that, the hall light switched on and Lily appeared, looking weary.
"Len?" she called. Before he could reply, her eyes fell on Miku. "Who's… this?" She then turned around to glance at the time. It was around midnight. "Hm? I thought you were going to be out later… you could've been a little more quiet, though."
"Sorry," Len murmured. Um, this is Miku. A friend." He made sure to emphasise the word friend. He recalled the first time his parent's had met Miki, and they had made the bold assumption that they were dating. "Is it alright if she stays the night?"
Lily looked back at Miku, who gave her a sweet smile. She raised an eyebrow at Len.
"...Sure. She can use the guest room – I just cleaned that out the other week."
"Ah," he said, like he never noticed. But he did. And it still bugged him as to why she'd do something so random – yet it was such a typical Lily thing to do. "Awesome. Thank you."
His stepmother gave the pair a tired smile. "No problem, but please be quiet, or else your father will be down here next." The tone of her voice gave firm warning. "Goodnight." She then disappeared back upstairs to their bedroom.
Once Lily was out of earshot, Miku leant in. "Was that your mum? She looks really young."
Len stiffened a little, then relaxed, leading her across the house to the guest room. "Oh, no – she's my stepmum." He stopped in the doorway, stepping aside to allow Miku enter. "A futon is okay, right?" He gestured to the folded mattresses in the corner of the room.
She turned back to look up at him through long lashes, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "Sure," she cooed, her voice going soft. Her eyes twinkled. "It's fine, uh, Lenny? Can I call you Lenny?" She giggled; a typical, girly-girl giggle.
His heart buzzed. A nickname? Why the hell not. "Um, yeah. You can – you can call me anything," he blurted, before realising how stupid that sounded. His cheeks burned.
Miku moved towards him, and in the most slightest motion, her hand brushed against his crotch. He froze on the spot, allowing her hot breath to fan across his neck and face, sending goosebumps over his skin. She then laughed again, a little embarrassed realising what she'd just done. "Ah, I'm sorry – just not with it tonight. I think I'll go to sleep."
She then moved away to peel off her clothes, lifting her shirt over her head in one swift motion as if forgetting he was there, watching her. Her hands moved to her waist to tear off her jeans, and that was when Len finally came back to Earth and reminded himself ogling at Miku Hatsune undressing was not how he wanted to be remembered.
"Oh oh oh okay – um, well, goodnight," he choked out, feeling a certain, familiar heat rushing to the pit of his stomach – and further south. "I'm going to go to bed too, I guess."
The girl glanced over at him curiously, allowing him a front view of perfectly rounded breasts fitted into a pretty bra, all the while sliding the denim down her smooth, milky-white thighs. He turned away as fast as he could to escape, shutting the door behind him, hoping to the high heavens she hadn't noticed the growing bulge in his trousers.
Not cool. Not cool. Not cool.
Len escaped to his room before anyone else could see him, locking his bedroom door behind him and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to rid the image of Miku's amazing and delicious and flawless half-naked body.
But to no avail, his mind kept focusing back on her breasts, imagining them without the goddamned boob holders there to censor them – imagining running his fingers over her soft, pale skin and teasing her nipples, hearing her moan his name.
Oh. God. Not. Cool.
Yet the new information was too good to be true, and he had to give in. Quickly, quietly, he unbuttoned his pants and yanked them down to his ankles, cool night air hitting his hot, sweaty skin. Shakily, he pulled himself into a familiar rhythm of self-pleasure and petty fantasies, dreaming of what he would've liked to happen, had he not hightailed it from the guest room before anything more could take place.
Right now, she was all he wanted. And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
He'd fallen under her spell all over again.
.
.
.
2014/10/09. Time: 11:43PM
'S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY
Today…
The last thing I ate was:
The last thing I drank was:
The last person I talked to was:
The last thing I did was: get expelled
Prompt #4: Make a list of the people in your life who genuinely support you, and who you can genuinely trust.
no one. because nobody cares.
i just dont give a shit anymore. it was my Last Chance, i blew it. i finally blew it, i finally ruined my life all the way
i dunno. i dunno how i should feel. im angry. im sad. im happy. im confused. i dunno what i gained from this
i dunno.
mum had grilled me. right down. had stepped on me and smothered me like a cigarette, squashed me until i was flat and no longer useful
it hurt so much. it hurt so much even though i knew i kinda deserved it because all ive ever done is nothing right but for once i just wanted someone to care but no one does no one cares they wouldnt even care if i died
why dont i just die
i dont know
i was ready for it and everything
i had the emergency kisses ready. the kiss of metal on my wrists, the razor blades i bought one day on a whim in case the thoughts had become too much and the alcohol would stop working and it was time to finally silence them all. and i was really gonna do it. i had one right there – i could feel it cold against my skin and i could hear the angels, or the devils, or whatever, singing out to me. i just wanted to close my eyes and for it to be all over
but i didnt do it. i couldnt do it. and now its staring at me, a little bloody but nevertheless not bloody enough, telling me what a coward i am for not going through with the pact
it was just – i was so ready to Do It. i was so ready to take this family down with one final blow. these stupid fuckers wouldnt know what hit them.
and it was just that last second before i got too deep that i thought of him. of Len. that number one stupid fucker.
fuck him.
(but also dont do that.)
it was like i tasted something sour when he came to mind – i had to stop. it was like he was watching me or something. i had to throw it away from me. i was suddenly so disgusted and i
i just dont know
maybe im just a coward, using Len as an excuse. i dunno why the thought of him stopped me. beats me. i dunno
maybe it was just that deep down – deep deep down, i hoped that maybe somehow just perchance he was the only person who maybe didnt think of me as a disappointment for wanting to destroy everything and everyone including
myself
maybe. maybemaybemaybe.
but i dunno. i dunno anymore. im just being stupid like always. i dunno why i keep hanging around hoping for something good to happen - a miracle
there is no such thing as miracles in this world.
Rate your current state of happiness out of ten: (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)
Comment on your rating:
Tips towards being mindful:
1. Observe
2. Describe
3. Participate fully
4. Be non-judgemental
5. Focus on one thing at a time
Have a mindful day!
.
.
.
Dad looked grim at dinner.
Len knew something was up, something not good, judging by the expressions on his and Lily's faces.
Oh no, he thought, please don't tell me… something has happened to Rin… Oh God. Please don't tell me – oh, oh God.
The conversation started with Lily saying, "Len, your father has some news."
"What news?" His voice came out muffled, speaking with his mouth full of rice. He was forcing it down, but it was hard to swallow, hard to keep himself from wanting to regurgitate it all over the dinner table. So he just kept cramming it in.
The room was silent for a few moments – his father hadn't even spoken up to chastise him about table manners.
He paused, anxious. "I'm guessing bad news?"
Lily seemed to read his mind and gave him a reassuring, yet sort-of-forced smile. "Don't worry. It's nothing really bad – it's just… not good."
Huh.
"Your sister," Dad spoke up, "was expelled again for throwing a desk at a teacher and trying to blow up the gymnasium."
Oh.
The word accidentally left his lips – "Wow."
His father narrowed his eyes, expressing turning stern. "No – not 'wow', Len," he responded. "Your mother is so sick of dealing with her, she's claiming she's going to send her here because she can't stand her misbehaviour and disrespect anymore."
...What? Rin… moving in with them? An image of a newspaper headline came to mind – Crazy Teenage Girl Murders Family. He quickly dropped the thought, though, knowing it was cruel. He wasn't really sure anymore what he thought of his sister.
She sounded like she wouldn't hesitate to slit his throat, if anything.
Len paused. "Wait – doesn't that just mean we have to put up with her instead, then?" he asked. "If she's really that bad, then wouldn't she have difficulty getting into a school…?"
His dad shifted in his seat. "Well, I made an educated guess that something like this would happen and not long ago made an enrolment enquiry at your school when I first heard wind of her being expelled. Your school claims they have services that cater for 'troubled teens' like her and said they're willing to accept her as a second chance – not to mention, you're a good kid, so."
"Oh," was all he could say. He'd never thought on it much; Rin having to live with them. It was always something he'd deemed 'never' and shoved to the back of his mind, since his mother had been so clingy when the divorce happened. "So, she'll be coming?"
"Probably," Leon responded. "It's hard discussing this through a third party like your aunt, you know, since your mother refuses to talk to me one-on-one."
Len didn't know what else to say, so he resumed eating his dinner in silence.
He couldn't help but feel concerned about Rin. She really was going down – definitely not in a good way. Even though he didn't agree with her, you know, behaviour or whatever, the thought of her moving in was growing on him.
At least this time, he would be there for her, to help her for once, considering within the past five or so years he hadn't the chance to do that or at least show support somewhat. Part of him was nervous because he didn't know what to expect – but another part, a part more fond of her, was excited to finally reunite with his sister.
Lily seemed unusually excited about this, too, he noticed. He wasn't sure why, though – considering Rin was beginning to sound a little like the stepdaughter slash sister from hell, wouldn't she be more scared about how she'd treat her?
He had a feeling they'd be the first ones to clash.
Imagining a world where he had to share the bathroom with someone other than himself was strange. It reminded him of distant, faded and long-forgotten memories that were still a little too raw to think about.
"Rin, sis," he mumbled to himself in bed that night, mulling over the nicknames he used to give her as a kid. None of them seemed to apply to the her now, though. He sighed, rubbing his temples. "What has Mum done to you…?"
.
.
.
It was a long train ride.
Not just literally – but figuratively, too.
She hadn't much time to think before being bummed off and sent far away by her so-called maternal mother. She'd hardly blinked an eye, and her things were packed up and waiting for her at the door when she came home one morning after avoiding the wrath of home for three days.
"Your aunt is taking you to the station. She'll give you the details of the way to your father's. I don't want to see you again," her mother had told her, eyes cold.
I can't stand you anymore. You're his responsibility as well – so he can deal with your selfish tantrums instead.
Dad didn't want her. She knew that. No one wanted her. So where was she going?
She glanced out the window, watching the world whirr past. This was the last train she had to take before reaching the station, where apparently someone would be waiting to drive her home. She felt an awful lot like there wouldn't be anyone, though; she was stranded, like a piece of driftwood in the wide, rough ocean waters.
The landscape outside had replaced city streets with nature – green and lush and almost devoid of human life. She wasn't used to the sight. She hadn't travelled out of Tokyo since her fifth year in elementary for a school-related excursion.
Rin saw her reflection in the window gazing back at her. Quickly, she scowled. The once-attractive girl in the window returned the favour.
She didn't know why she felt so down about it. It wasn't like there was anything left in Tokyo, anyway – besides Mum and a few guys who enjoyed her services. She had no friends. Her relatives didn't care about her. Most people hated her.
Well, except Just Call Me Yukai, maybe – who'd sent her an email the day prior urging her to stay in contact with her. How she discovered her email or why she even bothered were questions Rin couldn't find answers for. There was no point. As if she'd actually respond.
She sighed, breath fogging the window.
Her train of thought moved on to Len as she remembered that he could be the one waiting for her on the other end. Yikes. Her skin crawled at the thought of ever having to see him – even Dad, even the stepmonster she knew absolutely nothing about.
She didn't want to go to that bastard's house, where he had just forgotten everything and moved on; only ruining this family even more. She hated them, she absolutely despised them and she just – couldn't stand it. It made her skin crawl.
If only she killed herself. If only she did that.
But she didn't, and here were her consequences for being a mere coward.
The train slowed to a stop at a small, rundown station – the one she realised she was supposed to get off at. Immediately, her knees locked up and she couldn't breathe, couldn't move. She stayed put.
Slowly, one by one, she watched the last of the passengers shuffle off, before the train was completely empty. She looked down at her bags and inhaled shakily.
Act as hostile and distant as you can. You don't need them – you don't want them.
Yet there was still a tiny voice in her head telling her, They won't come for you. They're not here. They don't want a burden like you. There's no one waiting for you. No one wants a useless person like you.
And, somehow, she was really starting to believe it.
Rin, with her many bags, trudged out of the station, only stopping before the ticket gate to fumble for her card. After scanning it and squeezing through the barricades, trying to prolong having to look up and see the horrible truth that no one really was waiting for her – she heard a voice call her name.
That was when she looked up, hoping it was her the unknown person was calling.
A thin, blonde woman—no older than mid-thirties, probably—was gazing at her, a look of uncertainty on her face. She was dressed in a one of those vintage-style dresses, patterned with bright colours, akin the topping of a pavlova. Standing beside her was a boy around her age – and it took her no more than a second to recognise that it was Len.
She quickly replaced the look of surprise with a scowl.
The woman—she was guessing who was the stepmonster, Lily or something like that—hesitated, before Len spoke up quietly, "No, no – it's her."
He looked uncomfortable, like he had somewhere else better to be. Well, yeah, why wouldn't he? He was having to deal with his long-forgotten, unimportant sister. Duh.
Rin made extra care to hold a resentful gaze towards him especially.
The more she glared, the more she had the chance to analyse Len's features: he'd grown, most certainly, over the past five or so years. His hair was a little longer, messier, darker than it was. He had prominent cheekbones that, despite puberty's blessing, still made him look a little bit feminine. As always, he had those long, dark lashes that irritated her to no end – and one eyebrow with that funny, uneven quirk she'd recalled him having years ago.
To put it straight – puberty made Len prettier. It was annoying. Really annoying. Puberty never worked that way in Rin's favour; without makeup, she looked like she'd crawled out of an incinerator.
Lily cleared her throat, drawing her attention back to her. "How was your trip, Rin?" she asked, attempting to be polite.
Yuck. No thank you. She clamped her mouth shut and continued staring at the pair.
Had the stepmonster always been so young? Maybe it was because she hadn't had kids yet.
– Yeah. That was probably it.
After realising the girl wasn't going to give an answer, Lily tried, "Would you like us to carry any bags?"
Rin's grip tightened on the handles of her luggage. "No."
The woman blinked, before acting as if her attitude went straight over her head. "Well, alright," she said. "Let's go home, then."
And she and Len just walked off.
What the hell.
Frown deepening, she trudged after the pair as they lead the way to the car.
Usually, if she acted like this with her own mother, she'd probably yell at her for at least an hour afterwards. The stepmonster, on the other hand, certainly was… calm, to say the least.
Rin didn't like that. She didn't want to be nice to that woman at all. She was only another reason why her family was not a family. Her acting the opposite of an enemy would only make it harder to give her hell.
She was so busy mulling over this new factor, she didn't notice Len trying to tug her suitcase from her hand. "Um," he was mumbling, waving a hand in front of her face. "Rin? You know, you kind of need to let go of it now, because it won't fit in the back seat with you."
"Huh," she said into his face.
His lips formed a straight line. "The bag," he pointed out, eyes darting downwards. "It's time to let it go."
On cue, she released it, and he turned away to cram it into the boot of the car.
"I could've done that myself, you know," she told him.
"Well, you were too busy staring into the distance with that grumpy expression of yours, so I decided to do it for you," he responded, slamming the door shut. He hesitated, taking a breath. "But if you insist you're capable of lifting bags yourself, next time I won't."
Rin licked her lips. He certainly wasn't taking her shit today.
She wasn't sure whether she was entertained by that or not.
Before they left the train station, Lily told Len to climb into the back seat with Rin so she 'didn't feel left out'. Well, whatever. Either way, she'd still feel left out, considering she was stuck with crazy lady for five years. That was time no one could get back. Not even her.
The boy obeyed his stepmother's orders, but didn't seem too chuffed having to sit in the back with her.
After that, the ride home was mostly in silence.
Mostly.
When they were about halfway there, the stepmonster started to blab again. "Leon wanted to pick you up, but since your arrival was so short of notice he couldn't organise to get time off from work. He should be home later this evening, though."
Rin said nothing. Lily took that as a signal to shut up, thankfully.
Len side-glanced at her a few times, almost as if he was trying to read her emotions. She focused on looking as straight-faced as possible, watching his every move in her peripheral like a hawk. He opened his mouth at one point, about to speak, but seemed to decide against it.
When her brother showed no signs of entertaining her anymore, she turned her interest to the window and the outside world.
The town—her new home—was like a hole of human labour and wannabe-Ghibli movies. Everywhere and everything was either a farm, mountain or some other disgusting feature of nature. It was as if she was a little girl again, whisked away to a different world to explore and discover magical friends – except, she wasn't a little girl anymore and she certainly wasn't making any friends.
Then she looked at Len again, who seemed to be doing the same—gazing outside—and wondered whether he had friends.
Well, of course he did.
Like he knew Rin was watching him, he looked back at her and rose an eyebrow as if to say, What?
She narrowed her eyes and glanced away. End of silent conversation.
They arrived home and the strained smiles resumed, alongside more awkward conversations. Once she hauled her bags out of the car and dragged them to the front door after Len—who seemed to dash inside suspiciously fast—she stopped in the hallway, meeting the horror deemed family portraits lining the walls and shelves.
Yes, as she guessed, they also had ones from before the divorce.
Rin couldn't remember the last time the saw the photos—apart from when she found her mother burning them in the kitchen one night—but the images brought back nostalgia.
And pain, which wasn't that unusual.
Lily had approached from behind. "I cleaned out the guest room for you," she announced, and Rin started, turning to her with yet another grimace. She noticed the stepmonster falter a little. "It wouldn't be fair you living here and not having a room to yourself. So you can settle right in, Rin."
She swallowed, her eyes wandering back across the house to where Len was standing – in a doorway to another room. He nodded his head at her, as if to motion for her to move forward.
"This is where I'm sleeping?" she asked after entering the spare bedroom and dumping all her things at her feet.
Len watched her cautiously. "Er, yeah," he answered, as if the answer couldn't be anymore obvious. He seemed to wait for her to say something else, but she only continued staring at him, so he pointed over at the corner of the room at the a storage cupboard. "The futon is in the cupboard, just so you know. And, um – "
"Thanks," Rin interrupted. He stopped speaking and blinked at her, stunned silent. She just wanted his annoying face to disappear along with all her memories of that day, but he showed no sign of leaving.
Taking his silence to her advantage, she grabbed the handle of the door and his eyes darted to her hand, as if he knew what was to come next. Nevertheless, he didn't try to stop her.
"I'm good, so you can leave me alone," she told him, and with a bitter smile, she slammed the door in his face.
A few moments later, Len continued his explanation through the door, "And uh, the bathroom is upstairs on your right. Don't go left. That's my room." It went quiet, and when she thought he was finally done pestering her, she heard him add under his breath, "Jeez, I'm so glad to see you too, Len."
She smirked to herself, feeling accomplished – but with that gesture came the sensation of something sharp tearing her insides apart.
Len didn't pester her for the rest of the afternoon.
.
2014/10/13. Time: 8:32PM
rin'S MINDFULNESS JOURNAL ENTRY ?
Today…
The last thing I ate was: dinner
The last thing I drank was: water
The last person I talked to was: dad
The last thing I did was: want to crawl out the window and run into the hills to never return
Prompt #5: Using 10 words, describe yourself.
please get me out of here, i hate this place
Rate your current state of happiness out of ten: (worst) 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 (best)
Comment on your rating: honestly, still not on the scale.
Tips towards being mindful:
1. Observe
2. Describe
3. Participate fully
4. Be non-judgemental
5. Focus on one thing at a time
Have a mindful day!
This took a Really Long Time to read through, mainly because I wrote this chapter really poorly at the time, so I had to sit there more often than not trying to think of better ways to make the English less ugly. If you catch any mistakes, though, let me know. I'm tired and miss things easilyyy.
Guys, I don't have to cosplay Spice! Len on Sunday. Hooray for DHL for delivering my RWBY cos :'') If you're going to Goldnova this weekend hmu (but I know no one will because no one from Aus reads my shit anyway lmao. Unless you're my ex, stalking my account).
Are you ready for the next chapter, aka the chapter that made everyone want to Kill Me? I'm ready, mmmyes.
