(A/N:
Disclaimer: see Act I.
Here is the second act of the Theseus Play! Thank you and enjoy.)
ACT II
(Scene 14: Theseus and Ariadne are "on the deck" of a modern light sailboat. A false front would be fine, pulled back and forth ropes extending from each end, one is the same rope ARIADNE trips over. THESEUS and ARIADNE are standing behind the false front, and they move with it. The sail is black, and is cut off at the top so that there is a suggestion that there is a crow's nest.)
THESEUS(in a stereotypical pirates voice, growly and slightly nasal): Haharr, ahoy, mateys! (Normal voice)Uhhhhhh... (Pirate voice again) anchors away! (Normal voice) Er . . . whatever they say! (In a nasal, grating voice, like a parrot) MWRAWK! Pieces of eight, pieces of eight!
ARIADNE(Knocks on his head): Theseus, hello? There is nobody else on the boat?
THESEUS(looking nervously around, as if someone might hear, holding up his hands): Shhh! There are 13 others, remember?
ARIADNE: Sure. Whatever. (Someone yells from above, the vicinity of where the crows nest would be)
RECORDING: We're being pursued! Full sail!
THESEUS(Triumphant): If there are only us aboard, than who was that?
ARIADNE(casual, offhand): A recording. (Looks behind her, panicking) Oh no! It's Dad and the navy! RUUUUUN!!! (she runs, trips over a rope, and falls.)
THESEUS: We are on a boat. There is no need to run. Can tape recorders tighten sails?
ARIADNE: For the sake of this production, yes. (The sail is tightened. A false front of a modern motorboat, pulled back and forth ropes extending from each end, with KING MINOS and SOLDIER running with it behind it, suddenly speeds past THESEUS and ARIADNE'S sailboat.)
THESEUS: Are they gaining?
ARIADNE: Hard to tell. It seems they've passed us.
THESEUS: Are we gaining on them?
ARIADNE: They are heading on a collision course with us.
THESEUS(panicked): AAAAAAAAAAAA! What should we do?!?
ARIADNE(unperturbed): Turn. Fairly simple. (She turns the sailboat. There is a boat chase, as intricate as possible. Neither boat should be really pursuing the other. Finally, MINOS' ship has almost succeeded in boarding. THESEUS screams.)
THESEUS: AAAAAH! WHAT NOW? Um . . . umm . . . oh yeah! STAND AND FIGHT, YOU MANGY COWARDS! Hey! What's with the spear throwers? CHEATERS! (He ducks. SOLDIER throws a broom at him, and it whizzes over his head. ARIADNE catches it) You're supposed to fight me in a big battle where I can slay you all and earn a reputation as a fierce fighter. No shooting from a distance! (THESEUS continues to yell about what lily-livered yellow-bellied scaredy-cats MINOS and SOLDIER are.)
ARIADNE: Oh yeah! I forgot! Before we left, I put holes in that ship. (Calls over) Hey! Y'all can't sail! Your ship is supposed to sink!
MINOS(yelling back): Are you sure?
ARIADNE: Dead sure.
MINOS: We are not. If there are holes in the ship, then how come we're not sinking? (He begins to lecture in a boring monotone. As he speaks, SOLDIER walks around to the front of the boat and pokes nervously at the false front, then shrugs and comes back onto the boat.) If there is a hole in the ship, then the hull would have filled up with water, and without the aid of an air-filled hull to increase our volume and make it more than the mass, then the mass is more than the volume. This would result in a density of greater then 1.00. Obviously, we are NOT sinking, meaning therefore that the density of the ship is less then 1.00, which would not be possible unless the hull was filled with air, which in turn would not be possible if there really were holes in the ship. (Normal voice)What kind of drill bit did you use? Did you make sure the hole went all the way through?
ARIADNE: I used an axe, and yes, it went all the way through!
MINOS: Then why are we not sinking?
ARIADNE: Do not ask me, why should I know?
MINOS: You put the hole in the ship. You figure out why it isn't working.
ARIADNE: It's impossible that you're still afloat!
MINOS: Whether it's possible or not isn't my concern.
ARIADNE: Well, I don't really care HOW you are still on top of the water, but it's scripted that you have to sink. So . . . just . . . steer the ship to the bottom or something.
MINOS: Oh, fine. Can't argue with the scriptwriter, I guess. Don't know WHAT she was thinking, though, crazy girl. Waiting 'till now to tell me that we were going to have to sink.
ARIADNE: Did you even read the script?
MINOS: Well, the Minotaur ate her copy, so I let her see mine. But since we don't have any extra actors/actresses for her to eat, she was really hungry and . . . well . . . it was only the last few pages, after all. I was sure they wouldn't matter.
ARIADNE: You're too soft, you know. I bet you didn't even scold her when she ate that script.
MINOS: She was hungry! You don't think I'd begrudge an animal, not only that, but a member of an extremely endangered species, a script if they are in need of food? True, I need the script, but she needed it more! To deny a living thing nourishment-
ARIADNE: Spare us the lecture, please. Sink and be done with it.
MINOS(sighing): All right. (Taps the side) Ship, sink please. (The ship sails off, and there is a sound of water going down a drain. MINOS comes back in a little rowboat. SOLDIER "swims" desperately after him.)
SOLDIER: Minos, you idiot! Wait for me! COME BACK HERE! (She finally reaches the rowboat and hauls herself aboard) Look, just 'cause I'm not a vital character here doesn't mean you can just go off and forget me! Soldiers and guards, contrary to most movies, are not expendable! I am still human! Guards and soldiers have names, they probably have families, they have lives of their own!
MINOS(Whispering frantically): You're not supposed to have any lines in this scene! Shut up!
SOLDIER(Muttering loudly, not quite to herself): Who died and made you king? (MINOS gives her a Look.) Let me rephrase that. Who died and made you the director?
MINOS: Shut up, soldier!
SOLDIER: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
MINOS: Well, I AM king, you know.
SOLDIER: Oh, king, eh, very nice! And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma in our society. Now-
ARIADNE: For someone who wasn't even part of this production until the second-to-last draft of this thing, you have an awful lot of lines. Do you want your broom back?
SOLDIER: Oh, yeah, thanks. That'll probably come in handy for whacking this idiot over the head when he starts babbling about conservation and animal rights. (ARIADNE throws the broom back. It hits MINOS on the head, and he looks disgruntled. SOLDIER snickers to herself and takes the broom.)
MINOS(To ARIADNE): Next time you put a hole in the ship, do it right, okay? (He goes back offstage, following the direction that the ship took. ARIADNE points offstage to the other side.)
ARIADNE: Ooooh look. A preeeteee island. Let's put in there for a rest.
(End of scene 14)
(Scene 15: On an island. ARIADNE and THESEUS are sitting on the shore.)
ARIADNE: I'm going to take a nap.
THESEUS: Okay, I am going to go inland and look for white cloth.
ARIADNE: Why?
THESEUS: Because I forgot to bring some with me, and I need to put up white sails because we
won.
ARIADNE: I doubt that you'll randomly find white sailcloth on some random uninhabited island.
THESEUS: I'll look.
ARIADNE: Whatever. (goes to sleep. THESEUS walks into the woods. ARIADNE gets up, thinking the scene is over. Talks conversationally with cameraperson.) Well, you know, Cameraperson, I think that is just about the stupidest scene in this play. Completely pointless. (Pause) What are you trying to signal, waving your hand like that? (Sound of scribbling with a pencil, and ARIADNE squints at phantom cue card) Your handwriting is terrible. What the heck does that SAY? Why don't you just talk? Screen . . . schism . . . scare . . . oh, SCENE! Scene, not, over? Um, (realizes her mistake) oops. Haha. (Hastily, she lies back down, snores. Begins sleep-talking) Sorry about that. (resumes snoring.) The paper sun in the background travels across the sky, and a sign is held up reading "later." An alarm clock rings, and ARIADNE sleepily whacks at the sand around her, trying to turn off the alarm clock. It stops on its own. ARIADNE wakes up, yawns, stretches, etc. Gets up to see a little paper boat sailing away on a sheet of dark blue paper.) AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! (Calls after the boat) Hey! Theseus! You've forgotten something very crucial! (Sits down and looks around the island with a general attitude of "oh, great, NOW what?" Eventually she shrugs, tears a large vertical rip in the blue paper, and steps through the rip offstage. We hear her exasperated voice from behind the paper.) Sheesh. He forgets EVERYTHING. (Walking away, her voice is fading out) Where IS that canoe?
(end of scene 15)
(Scene 16: In the courtyard of the palace. KING AEGEUS is standing with a hand shading his eyes, looking at the blue paper. It has been taped back together with masking tape. JIM walks in.)
JIM: He cometh not from the east, nor the west, nor the south, nor the north, sir?
KING AEGEUS: Skip all that, just- no sign of him yet.
JIM: No sign of him yet, sir?
KING AEGEUS: No. I am worried that he is dead, Jim.
JIM (exaggeratedly dramatic): Ah, sir, put not such thoughts into words!
KING AEGEUS: Too late, I just did.
JIM: Well, you never know, sir, he could be coming from behind the tape.
KING AEGEUS: Yes, that could be.
JIM: Well, he's sure to be coming any day now. (long pause, in which neither KING AEGEUS or JIM move. Finally JIM continues.) AHEM, he's sure to be coming any day now?!? HE'S SURE TO BE COMING ANY DAY NOW!! Please excuse me for a moment, your majesty. (Goes offstage, and we hear her talking as if from a distance.) HEY THERE! HELLO? GREECE TO STAGE CREW, COME IN STAGE CREW! What is UP with you guys? (Pause) What do you MEAN, you can't hear what I'm saying? (Pause) What, is my mike off? No, the mike is on . . . the problem is at your end. (Pause) OHHH yes it is. (Pause) Well, check. It has to be at your end. (Pause) She WHAT? You have got to be kidding me. (Pause) Well, are there any more spare cords? What kind of stage crew are you? Well, just- oy vey. I'll be right back. (Comes back on stage) Your Majesty, do you happen to have a spare cord on you? The Minotaur ate the one that connects our mikes to Sound.
KING AEGEUS: Yes, hold on. (Takes off his crown, rummages in it. Rattling sounds, as if there is a lot of stuff in his crown. Takes out a rubber chicken) What the- ohhh, it's my rubber chicken! I thought the Minotaur had eaten it years ago! (Pets the rubber chicken) It's okay, the mean, nasty Minotaur won't eat you. (JIM looks at him really funny. KING AEGEUS puts the chicken back in his crown, rummages some more. More rattling sounds, pulls out an extension cord.) Here you go.
JIM: Thank you. (Goes back offstage, and again we hear her talking as if from a distance.) Here, look, King "Ee-jis" had a cord in his crown. And a rubber chicken. (Pause) Yeah, I know. I really think it's the Minotaur. (Pause) Minos got sick and asked Aegeus to take care of her for the day. (Pause) Oh yes, he actually did agree to do it, if you can perceive something so utterly stupid. And she drove him right up the wall, all the way to the ceiling.
KING AEGEUS (calling off after her): Jim, cut the chitchat, get that cord plugged in, and get back here. We've got a play to finish, remember?
JIM: Yikes, hope he didn't hear me call him Ee-jis. The cord goes here, right? (Lights flicker. An explosion is heard, and the lights go out completely.)
KING AEGEUS (yelling really loudly): JIM! What's going on? (Pause, as JIM considers how best to word what has happened. KING AEGEUS continues.) Are you dead, Jim?
JIM: I'm okay, it's just some minor technical difficulties, sir, we'll get it sorted out in a minute. (Some crashes, more explosions) VERY minor technical difficulties, sir. (More explosions, more crashes, someone screams. JIM speaks like Mushu from Mulan) Did- did I mention that the technical difficulties were minor?
KING AEGEUS: Yes, you did.
JIM (calling): Daedalus! Daedalus, come here please! We are in need of your expert knowledge of all things technical! (Pause) Please? (Pause) Oh, someone go and get his attention! You know what he gets like when he starts working on those stupid wax wings of his. (Pause)
DAEDALUS (from offstage): Jim, how on Greece did you manage to mess things up THIS badly?
JIM: All I did was plug in a cord, sir.
DAEDALUS: Yes, but where? (His voice moves on stage) Your Majesty, do you happen to have some sort of light that doesn't need to be plugged in? Like that big ol' flashlight that you bought during the great power failure of 3001 B.C. Do you still have that around? (We hear the rattling sound of KING AEGEUS looking through his crown. The flashlight is lit, and the light moves offstage.)
DAEDALUS (from offstage): Oh, now I see what you did. (Pause) Jim, do you have a brain at
ALL? Look at this! It's so self explanatory- how did you manage to miss this-
JIM: Nothing technical makes sense to me.
DAEDALUS: This isn't even technical! This is COMMON SENSE- (sighs) Oy vey. (Some clinks, crashes, and explosions. Finally, DAEDALUS heaves a sigh.) You should be all right to go now. Never do that again, Jim.
JIM: No, sir. I won't. (Her footsteps move back onstage, and the lights come back on, fading in if possible. She speaks with as much cheer as she can muster to KING AEGEUS.) We got it, sir. Sound can hear us and the lights are back on. So, then! (Clears throat, speaks wearily) Well, he's sure to be coming any day now. (As in Scene 15, the boat is seen being pulled across the blue paper. The boat stops at the tape, is pulled out and pushed back in on the other side of the tape. The sails are black.)
KING AEGEUS: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHH! HE'S DEAD, JIM! (Jumps into a kiddy pool that has a sign saying "Aegean Sea." It doesn't necessarily need to contain water, but if it doesn't, there should be a sound effect of a splash.)
JIM: Your Highness, it is practically impossible to drown in a kiddy pool. And be careful that your crown doesn't rust.
KING AEGEUS: It's gold, gold doesn't rust or tarnish.
JIM: It may have been gold in the story, but we couldn't get you a real gold crown because a.) They're expensive and b.) They're ridiculously heavy. You'd never be able to hold your head up. I have no idea how the actual King Aegeus managed it. His crown probably was a gold alloy, in which case it might have rusted or tarnished. Or wood, painted a gold color.
KING AEGEUS(Incredulous): Wood, painted gold? For the crown of the King? And even if that was the case, there wouldn't be a problem of the crown rusting or tarnishing. It isn't a problem here, either, as the crown is plastic.
JIM: Shhhh, we're too early for plastic, remember? (THESEUS enters right)
THESEUS: Hi Jim, hi dad, taking a swim?
KING AEGEUS: Sort of. Welcome home. Did you slay the Minotaur?
THESEUS: Yes.
JIM: What about your wife?
THESEUS: Oh, I forgot her on the island. (A canoe with a white sail is pulled across the blue paper, again jumping over the tape. ARIADNE enters, dragging a canoe with a mast stuck in the middle. The mast has white sails.)
ARIADNE: Theseus, have you ever considered taking a class in memory enhancing or something? Because this could be a bother, chasing you every time you forget me somewhere. Oh, and by the way, I found the sail on the island.
JIM: I'm going to go see if there's chocolate in the pantry. (JIM walks off left. MINOTAUR suddenly roars, JIM yells and we hear running footsteps crossing from left to right. If possible, someone could be shown running too fast for the audience to be able to tell if it is really JIM. MINOTAUR runs on right, looks confused and searches in a puzzled way for JIM. She then lifts her nose in the air and sniffs, "follows a scent" to KING AEGEUS'S crown, grabs the rubber chicken out of AEGEUS'S crown, puts it in her mouth, looks immensely pleased with herself, and runs off right.)
(The credits begin. However, the characters ignore this fact, and continue talking.)
JIM (slightly sarcastic): Awww, happy ending.
KING AEGEUS: What are you talking about? The poor rubber chicken has been stolen by the Minotaur!
KING MINOS: King Aegeus, how can you deny her the joy of a rubber chicken-
ARIADNE: Da-ad! King Aegeus does NOT want to hear about how Minotaurs are oppressed all over Greece! Neither do whoever is watching this, I'm sure!
THESEUS: In case none of you have noticed, the movie is over?
JIM: Ah, who cares. Things go on during credits all the time.
DAEDALUS: I STILL cannot comprehend just exactly HOW you managed to make such an infernal mess of the cords.
JIM: Oh, forget the cords. I know nothing about cords. I can't tell a socket from a telephone.
DAEDALUS: Remind me never to let you hold my calls when I'm taking my break.
ARIADNE: Well, it wasn't exactly her fault, you know. We all live too early to know about electricity.
DAEDALUS: It's the principle of the thing.
MINOTAUR: GRAAAUUUUGGGGEEEERRR!!!!!!!!!!
KING MINOS: It's okay, we'll find something for you to eat soon. How about this script here?
JIM: Hey, that's mine!
KING MINOS: The play is over, so I really don't think that you'll need it.
(We hear MINOTAUR crunching loudly, and bites are taken out of the credit page until it is all gone. There is blue paper behind it.)
THE END.
