Spring Has Sprung
I remember looking at him one day and just knowing that I was hopelessly in love with him. Hopelessly being the operative word, because I knew, or I thought I knew, that we would always stay the same, partners with a mutual respect and attraction for each other. I forget which one of us broke first, but before I knew it, I was in love and then I ran, ran from my feelings and I remember thinking that nobody would quiet match up, nobody would fit in my arms as well; no body would leave my lips tingling quite as much as he did.
Our whole relationship has been based on the changes, the changes that we have all made. It felt so natural that it shifted towards lovers, like the changes that happen at the end of seasons. We felt so young and carefree, but we weren't. I remember the day I left him; it is burnt onto my memory.
He lay sleeping, one arm carelessly thrown over his head, giving the impression of someone who hadn't a care in the world. They had worn each other out the previous night, dinner then dancing, then what they did best; making love, mainly because Jen knew that this was going to happen, knew that this morning she was going to walk out of his life. She folded the letter that she had stayed up all night composing, placed it in the envelope and put it in his pocket, knowing he would find it after she left. She sat gently on the side of the bed and stroked his cheek.
"I love you." She whispered, praying that he would hear, that he would wake up and stop her leaving, she bent down and kissed his temple, earning herself a small smile from his sleep. She picked up her bag and opened the door of their room. She placed her bag in the corridor and took one last look at him, memorizing his image, not knowing when or if she was going to see him again. He stirred and woke, glancing around to find her standing in the doorway.
"Where are you going?" He asked his voice still thick with sleep. She gave him a small smile.
"I'm just going out," She replied, "I'll be seeing you." He smiled at her use of the song they danced to the night before and lay his head back down, content with her answer.
"Don't be long." He murmured.
I felt terrible leaving and tears ran down my face as I made my way out of Paris. But I had got over it, or so I thought, but the sight of him, standing in MTAC and my predecessor's voice echoing in my mind, he's your problem now, Director, made my heart stop, if only for a second, just like I knew it would. I had to fight with myself that morning to actually go to work. I didn't know how he was going to react.
But it shifted again, we moved, almost effortlessly sometimes, other times not so, from partners to lovers to strangers to friends. It was an odd way round but we have never taken much notice of rules, either of us.
I remember the day that it all changed, I should, it wasn't that long ago; it was a spring day, the kind of day that a promise of a hot summer. The sky was blue, with only the minutest amount of grey cloud hovering overhead, the breeze was warm, it lifted my hair and cooled the back of my neck.
The mug that was held in front of her face was full of, if she knew him as well as she thought, the strongest coffee known to man. She raised her eyes to the man that proffered the mug and raised her eyebrows.
"Let's go for a walk." He said, his voice soothing whatever was currently occupying her mind. She took the coffee with the feeling that she was agreeing to something far more than a walk. The minute they stepped outside, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes and lifting her face to the spring sunshine that had fought its way through the clouds. His hand found hers, as it did so often now, whenever they were alone, it felt so natural that neither of them had commented on it. She gave it a quick squeeze, rubbing his knuckles with her thumb.
"I'm sorry." She blurted out and he automatically answered.
"Don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness…wait, what are you apologizing for?" He asked, turning her around to face him, gripping her arms. She took a deep breath, thinking that it was now or never.
"For leaving the way I did," She said, "Hell, for leaving at all." She wriggled out of his grasp, not wanting to hear him simply shrug off her apology, but his hand caught her wrist and twirled her round, staring at her, searching her face for any hint that she was lying, that she wasn't really sorry. When none was found, he pulled her closer to him and placed his lips over hers, not trusting himself to speak. He pulled away and looked down at her, a small tear was running down her cheek which he brushed away with his thumb, finally finding his voice.
"It's ok." He said, pulling her into a bone crushing hug, inhaling her scent, the scent he had missed for far too long, the scent, that if he had anything to do with it, would be surrounding him for the rest of his life.
Spring is a time of transition, a time for new beginnings, and that is what I have now, a new beginning, to right all the wrongs that I have done, to make him see that I love him again and this time not run.
I'll Be Seeing You is a one of my all time favorites songs by Billie Holiday, I have made reference to it before.
V!
xox
