What doesn't Kill You

Part Two:

After Rick recovered from the shock of Billy's lack of recognition, he summoned a nurse into the room which she then retrieved one of Billy's doctors. They were with him asking him questions and assessing his condition.

He then tried to locate Michael and Casey to let them know the news. Casey saw the disappointment on Rick's face and felt sympathy.

"It doesn't mean anything, Martinez. Do I need to, once again, give you the glass-half-full view? He's alive and awake, both good things. We knew there was a possibility he'd have some memory issues. Nothing unexpected."

Rick smiled at Casey.

"I'm really taxing your restraint, aren't I?"

"To its limits," Casey grumbled.

Rick smiled again.

"I'm sorry and not just for making you go against your nature, but also because you're doing it for a stupid reason. It's not Billy's memory in general that's bothering me. I'm afraid he won't…"

"Remember you," Michael filled in.

Rick nodded.

"I know. I know it's stupid and selfish like I said. I just…" Rick self-scolded.

"Not only is it stupid, it's not logical. If he doesn't remember you, he won't remember us either. Stop making this all about you, Martinez."

Michael gave Casey a look that made him turn away.

"Rick, though we all know that Casey lacks any talent for tact, he's still right. Let's wait to find out what the doctors say before we jump to any conclusions, all right?"

Rick nodded. They watched the doctors walk out of the ICU and head their way. Rick couldn't help but go rigid straight as if to protect himself from a blow.

"So doctor? How's Billy?" Michael asked, taking command of the situation.

"Physically, he's healing, but as we suspected, he's still suffering quite a bit of pain. We've got it under control for now, but I'm worried about the long term. At this point, I'd hesitate to speculate because people heal at different rates. He could be fine in a few days so we're going to take a wait and see approach. As for his memory, we'll need to conduct some tests, but we were able to gather just from simple questions that he thinks it's 2004 and that he's with MI6."

Rick felt his legs tremble as if they were going to give out from under him.

"Does he know the truth?" Michael asked.

"We had to explain why he was in an American hospital and what his injuries were so he does know that and what year it is. There was no way to keep that information from him. Someone would eventually have said something and he doesn't need any more shocks. He's handling it remarkably well."

"That's Billy," Michael said. "Then it's up to us to fill in the details of the last seven years?"

"Only if he asks. Flooding him with too many details might also exacerbate his healing process."

"We understand, Doctor. Thanks," Michael said.

He looked at Rick and he was pale.

"I'll go in –"

"No, I'll do it," said Rick.

"Rick, he doesn't know about any of us and you –"

"I know, but I was the first person he saw when he woke up. I don't think he needs anymore unfamiliar faces staring at him."

Michael nodded.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Michael asked, worried about Rick's state of mind.

"Yeh, I can do this," Rick said, a little unsure whether he could keep his emotions in check, but he owed Billy to help him just like he had done for him so many times.

"Okay."

Rick then slowly walked towards Billy's room.

He had faced his share of danger especially during the initiation process to prove himself worthy of ODS membership, but nothing he had experienced, not eating a scorpion, not getting shot in the leg and slowly bleeding out, not even facing down a tank gave him as much fear as walking into Billy's room. He stood in front of it and took in a deep breath. He had to keep it together. He turned the doorknob and walked in.

Billy heard him come in and turned. He was mildly drugged, but seemed aware of what was happening around him.

"Sorry. I can come back later."

Billy squinted to clear his vision. Recognition then highlighted his face and he smiled.

"Ah, the lad who welcomed me back from the dead. Nonsense, it's all right. You'll have to forgive me if I pass out suddenly. Nothing personal."

"No, of course. I guess the doctors told you everything."

"Yeh, about how I ended up in hospital, but I'm afraid everything else is a bit fuzzy. I don't know why I came to the States in the first place and 2010…I seemed to have lost seven years."

"Your injuries were pretty severe. I'm sure in time, it will all come back to you," Rick evaded.

Billy looked at Rick and his expression changed.

"What? What is it?"

"You're going to think I've gone completely round the bend, but I get this feeling I know ya."

Rick found it silly, but he actually felt relieved at hearing that.

"We've worked a few missions together," Rick evaded again. "What do you remember?"

"I'm afraid it's just a feeling. The details are sketchy as best."

Rick nodded. Billy stiffened in pain.

"You okay? Should I get the doctor?"

"No, no. It's all right. They've told me that this could be my lot in life from now on. Best get used to it, I figure, yeh?" Billy said, sadly.

"No, you don't know that, the doctors don't know that for sure," Rick tried to reassure.

"Awfully kind of ya, mate, but I'm not one for fooling myself. Doesn't mean it'll stop me from doing my job, least ways, that's not the plan."

Rick then smiled. Billy noticed.

"Did I say something funny?" Billy smiled back.

"No, no, you just reminded me of something."

"What's that?"

Rick paused for a moment, thinking about whether he should share his memory then decided that it couldn't hurt Billy.

"There was this case. I'd gotten shot. You were there. I was bleeding out, but you never let me think about that. You told me stories to take my mind off of it, telling me that things could be worse. You held the tourniquet the entire time until help came so I wouldn't…" Rick stopped to swallow back his emotion then cleared his throat.

Billy watched Rick relate the story and suddenly there were flashes in his mind. He grimaced in pain. Rick noticed.

"Maybe I should –"

"No, no…I just had some flashes is all. I remember. It's just bits and pieces, but I remember."

Rick breathed a sigh of relief.

"You saved my life," Rick said almost reverently.

Billy caught the tone and it struck him how personally Rick had felt about that moment.

"Part of doing the job, mate," Billy softly said.

Rick shook his head.

"Not for you. It's always more than that for you."

Suddenly it was Billy who was struck silent for a moment. His look was of sadness.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, far from it. You reminded me of something as well, something I'd forgotten long before this happened to me."

"What's that?"

"What I do the job for or did anyway, yeh?"

Rick nodded.

"You called it hero's work and you still do it."

Billy gave him a quizzical look.

"Sounds like we shared more than a couple of missions together. You seem to know a lot about me."

Rick demurred.

"Guess I learned a lot from you," Rick said. "What did you mean you'd forgotten what you did the job for? Seems to me you were pretty sure. In fact, you'd have to remind me at times."

Billy's face transformed. There was pain etched on it and somehow it wasn't hard for Rick to figure out what had caused it.

"I, uh, lost a good mate," Billy said then stopped.

Rick couldn't understand how Billy could call Johnny McKinney a friend given what little he knew of what he had done both to his country and to Billy.

Rick didn't push it. He knew it would be a painful recollection.

"In fact, the last thing I remember…was losing him and paying an ultimate price for…" Billy trailed off as he was besieged by pain.

"Billy? Billy? Hang on, I'll get help," Rick said as he tried to leave the room.

Billy grabbed his arm in a grip that Rick didn't think he was strong enough to possess.

"No…no…" Billy breathed, waiting for the pain to pass. "'S all right, I…realize now what's happening. It's recalling the memories. It's…the reason I'm in pain. I'm finding my way back…you see."

He let go of Rick's arm and lay back on the bed, breathing as if he ran a marathon.

"Maybe you shouldn't –"

"No, I want to remember. I need to remember. I don't know why, but in my heart I know that in order to be whole again, I need to remember everything. I'm not afraid of the pain nor of dying."

Rick saw the Billy that he knew easing his way through his memories, determined to emerge on the other side and his admiration for his friend only grew, but worry also crept in. He hated to see his friend in pain and the idea that accessing, grasping for memories could damage him let alone kill him was a thought he didn't want to entertain.

Billy had finally fallen asleep and Rick left this room. He had to find out from the doctors what to do next. Still, even if they told him that having Billy remember could kill him, it wouldn't deter him from helping Billy if he asked. He knew that Billy's single-mindedness would be absolute and resolute.

Rick went to Michael and Casey and briefed them on what had happened.

"He wants to remember even if it's painful and dangerous?" Michael said, shaking his head, but not surprised.

"Typical. Billy never makes it easy on himself or us," Casey said, a touch of scoffing and admiration mixed in his voice.

"It's good that he wants to remember, but we should talk to the doctors. I don't know how firing up the memories, some of them not so pleasant, is going to affect him," Michael posited.

"I don't think he cares about that, Michael. Billy's just going to want to recover as quickly as possible no matter what the risk."

"I know you're right, but we just can't fast forward seven years."

"I know. I think it'll have to be at Billy's pace, but I'm planning on answering any questions he has…even about how he got deported. I think he remembers that. He mentioned something about paying the ultimate price."

Michael and Casey gave Rick approving looks.

"Okay, then," Michael said.

"I'll go next," Casey volunteered.

Michael and Rick gave Casey a curious look.

"What? I have a memory I think he'd appreciate."

Michael tilted his head back in recognition. Rick caught it.

"What? What is it?"

Michael smiled.

"Casey thought Billy was a mole for MI6."

Rick turned his head and couldn't help a wide grin.

"You did?"

"What? Like that was a completely unreasonable conclusion to make. A Scotsman, in the CIA? Really? Don't tell me neither one of you jumped to the same conclusion. I seem to remember Rick pointing it out his first day."

"That explains Billy's quick explanation," Rick said.

"Okay, I agree. Casey should go next. If Billy is going to have a migraine over a memory, it might as well come with humor," Michael said.

Casey just turned on his heel, but just before he left, he gave them a look that almost softened to a glance of regret. That is, if Casey were prone to such a pointless emotion.

"It's my turn to take watch anyway," Casey said, his voice barely defensive.

They watched him head towards Billy's room and Michael's smile faded a little.

"Our first mission with Billy affected Casey in ways I've never seen since, well, I guess until now. You see, Billy took a bullet for him. Carson and I, we took for granted that Casey would always take point and we let him. We knew how to defend ourselves, but Casey always insisted that if he were with us, he would always go in first to clear the area. He told Billy that too, but he wouldn't listen."

Rick could only nod. It made perfect sense to him.

"Casey's tried ever since to drill that point home to Billy, but he never obeys it," Michael said with a smile.

ChaosChaosChaos

Casey walked into Billy's room.

He marveled at how the many years of being an operative completely colored how he viewed everything from the simple and mundane to the dangerous and life threatening. It also formulated his role in the ODS. He was the human weapon and he liked that role. He liked danger and being at the forefront of it. And he was good at it. The adrenaline rush was like a drug that he couldn't resist or live without anymore.

Being the human weapon had become his identity, his way of contributing to the missions even if sometimes he didn't always believe in them anymore. There were days while trudging through rainforest or swamps that he wondered if retirement might be a good idea, but it would be quickly dismissed. What would he do if he weren't the human weapon anymore?

Then Billy joined the ODS and despite all of his attempts to explain, quantify, and emphasize that if anyone is going to take a bullet, it would be him, Billy would out and out defy him, refusing to believe that Casey didn't need protecting as well.

Suddenly, Casey wasn't the only one who placed himself in harm's way. Even more frustrating for him was there was someone else who was as instinctual as he was when it came to reacting when someone was in danger.

It had been a difficult adjustment for him, but the longer he got to know Billy and had watched him commit his whole body and soul to the missions and assets, respect had replaced frustration and it became more of a partnership. Billy had always insisted that he would never be the human weapon, just an accessory at best.

Casey sat down in a nearby chair when Billy stirred. He turned to see Casey there and confusion was on his face.

Casey recognized it.

"Go back to sleep. I'm on watch."

Billy took in a breath.

"I'm afraid I'll be meager entertainment for ya. Been doing nothing but sleeping."

"It's what you need so continue to get it. I'll just sit here."

Billy smiled. This man was stoic and yet he knew him to be more than the façade.

"Forgive me, mate, I feel I know ya, but I'm afraid my recollection's far from razor sharp."

"It's understandable. I'm Casey Malick -"

Billy's expression immediately changed as he screwed his face in pain.

"The human weapon..." Billy uttered in recognition.

"Yes, that's correct," Casey said, surprising himself at how happy he was that Billy had remembered him, but doing his best not to show it.

"As I told young Rick there, I remember bits and pieces, but there are gaps."

"Tell me what you need filling in," Casey volunteered.

Billy closed his eyes and Casey had thought he had fallen asleep at first. He then opened his eyes again.

"I remember something about my first day on your team...you weren't keen on me joining...you thought I was a mole."

It was Casey's turn to screw his face into a grimace out of embarrassment because Billy then and now had a talent for seeing through masks, even precisely constructed ones like Casey's.

"Yes, well, clearly I was mistaken."

"You pride yourself on not making mistakes...part of the job description you once said, I think."

"Anyone can have an off day or two. I hate to admit it, but I have misjudged you more than once."

Billy smiled as his headache began to dissipate. The relief was welcome and somewhat reassuring.

"What changed your mind?"

Casey hung his head down.

"You took a bullet for me. Something I should have anticipated but missed. It's part of being who I am and yet I missed something. You didn't and had to step in. You saved my life and that's not your job. It's mine."

Billy sensed the strict discipline that Casey applied to himself and felt the unwarranted failure that he had ascribed to Billy getting hurt because of him.

"I know you would have done the same. Isn't that what partners do? Cover for each other? Not a weakness to rely on your mates. It's what we're here for, aye?"

Casey listened and had remembered the same speech back then.

"You told me that then."

"Sorry for repeating myself."

"Don't be. It's what I needed to hear," Casey offered as much for himself as for Billy.

Casey knew it to be true. Just as his confidence had been shaken to its core back then, he was feeling a crisis of commitment at that moment as well and he had needed Billy to put things into the proper perspective. Usually, it would have come with Billy's usual humorous twist and though he missed that a little, the words were still just as authentic. Billy didn't deliver such philosophies, such confidences without true belief in them.

Billy then got another flash of memory. He smiled in spite of his pain.

"I guess I couldn't blame ya for being suspicious," Billy teased.

"Unfortunately years as a spy makes that thought process practically automatic, but I was wrong about you."

"A seminal admission coming from the human weapon, I suspect."

And there it was, that familiar, playful jibe that was Billy's signature.

"Don't get used to it."

"Aye, I won't."

ChaosChaosChaos

Michael had decided to give Billy some rest before going in to visit him. Truth be told, he was nervous at facing him. Casey had confided that he was afraid Billy wouldn't remember him. Michael had to admit that he was afraid that Billy would remember and not just anything, but a memory of a mission that had divided them for a time and of which Michael was never sure if Billy had ever really forgiven him. He had hoped to never relive the memory again. Maybe it would never resurface, but if not at that moment, Michael knew that over time, it eventually would and he had to hope that Billy would emerge at peace with it.

Michael took in a breath and walked into the room. He was relieved to find Billy asleep. He settled into a nearby chair and through his own exhaustion, fell instantly asleep himself.

Dreams were assaulting Michael and Billy had been awakened by Michael's moaning. He gazed over to see Michael twitching, his body jerking as if in pain.

"NO!" Michael yelled as he lurched up awake, breathing erratically.

He scanned his surroundings, confused for a few minutes. Billy watched with sympathy.

"You all right there?" He asked.

Michael gazed up.

"Yeh, yeh, I'm sorry."

"No need. Having a bad dream were ya?"

"Something like that…I'm sorry I woke you up, maybe I should leave –"

"It's all right. You don't have to go. I cherish these times of wakefulness. I have so little willpower over it these days that when slumber does release me, it's become a gift."

Michael had actually missed Billy's flowery speeches.

"Do you remember your dream?" Billy asked.

"No, no," Michael evaded.

He could see that even in his compromised state, Billy was already giving him a look as if to say, "I know you're lying".

"I think you do, mate. You have a captive audience in me. The telly here has provided very little amusement. Soap operas, game shows and tele-novellas all day can wear a man down. If it's confidentiality you're worried about, who better than a spy, aye? Kind of comes with the job description, yeh? Humor a man dying of boredom, would ya?"

Michael couldn't help, but smile. It faded a bit at trying to find the right words.

"Do you –"

"Remember ya? I think I have a vague notion of who you are. I know that by process of deduction, you're Michael Dorset. Fearless leader of the ODS," Billy teased with a smile.

Michael laughed. It had never ceased to amaze him how easily it came to Billy to diffuse a tense or anxiety filled situation even when he was injured.

"Do you remember how you joined the ODS?" Michael asked, knowing it was likely a moot question given that Billy had already confirmed that he had remembered him, but being the paranoid bastard he was, he needed to make sure.

"Yeh, I do. After my country gave me the boot, I came to the States. I remember coming to the CIA, meeting you, Casey and Carson then. Those recollections are starting to come back, but there are still a lot of holes. Some days, I feel like my brain is the proverbial Swiss cheese," Billy said as he trembled with pain and clenched his eyes closed. "The doctors are hopeful, but keep reminding me that I may never fill in all of the holes."

Michael nodded.

"There are days when I wish I could forget some things…" He said wistfully.

Billy intuitively picked up on something in Michael's tone of voice, a thread of regret and pain there. He sensed something more specific behind the simple statement.

"Don't we all? Guess I should be grateful that some things won't come back, aye?"

"Do you remember why you were deported?" Michael asked risking a painful memory, but needing to continue to test the waters.

Billy trembled with pain and grimaced.

"I'm sorry, forget I asked. Like you said, some things are better left forgotten," Michael retracted.

"It's all right. I've never been one for running away from my past, not gonna start now. Herman Hesse once said that some people think that holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is the letting go that does. I've let go of my past, but it doesn't mean it never happened," Billy said sadly. "Yeh, I remember what brought me to ya and I don't regret a single day."

Michael heaved a long breath and felt relief.

"Maybe you should take some of that same advice?"

"What?"

"Your dream…or more like a nightmare it seemed like. You need to let it go, the past," Billy said. "I have, Michael."

Michael looked at Billy, amazement on his face.

"It wasn't your fault, mate. Never was. You had to make a wretched choice and I just made it harder for ya by blaming you for something I knew wasn't in your power to change or in mine for that matter. I got too close to see objectively. First rule of spying, you don't get personally invested in an asset or in a situation. You'd think I'd've learned that lesson by now, aye? Not my first go round, right? It's what got me booted," Billy said without elaborating.

Michael just listened.

"I guess there are just some things I'm not willing to give up or change, yeh? A leopard and his stripes, I guess? Least I can do is not blame others if I get disappointed, right? I'm sorry I gave you pain over it."

Billy clenched in pain, but it passed quickly.

Michael believed that if he were competing with Casey over who had possessed the most stoic, unshakeable ability to conceal one's emotions, he would win by a large margin, but at that moment, he felt his resolve and will slipping away from his grip as if they were coated with grease. He was struck speechless for several seconds before he was able to utter three words that often never found their way to his lips.

"I'm sorry too."

ChaosChaosChaos

Billy was recovering slowly, his memory creeping back at a similar pace. The pain was lessening, but hadn't disappeared. Billy had come to acceptance and had chosen to apply a focused self-control over being medicated. He had been put on a conditional release and he had wanted to go back to the office in the hopes of regaining more memories. Going home, he told his friends, would only give him too much spare time to mope, glower and get fat on unhealthy foods without the benefit of burning the calories off.

No one had given him details on how he had ended up in the hospital in the first place other than a mission gone wrong, a convenient and plausible lie at the time. The doctors had just concentrated on his injuries and on his recovery. Billy hadn't suggested that he had remembered anything nor had he questioned what he had been told. So it had become the last vestige of his recovery and the guilt of the secrecy was eating at the men of the ODS. They knew that Billy had deserved to know everything that had happened, more importantly who had done it.

Also hovering like a self-imposed Sword of Damocles for them was the news they had been striving to delay revealing until Billy was back on his feet. It had been a dread that had hung over them and now they were faced with the unpleasant task. They should have felt happy for their friend because he would be given the chance of going back home. A home denied to him by a cruel fate. But they weren't happy at all because selfishly they didn't want him to leave and were convinced that he would once he knew. Casey had made the perfect case for the decision to go back when they had learned the truth and had cleared Billy's name. What idiot wouldn't want to go home to his family? To the country he was born?

In an effort to find him and his abductor, they had righted an egregious wrong and though they weren't sorry for doing that, suddenly the very real prospect of losing him was hitting them hard because during that same time they had come to realize how much Billy's influence had changed them and if he decided to go back, life as they had enjoyed it would be forever altered and not for the better.

Still, they knew that Billy deserved the truth and it was time to present it to him.

Michael knew it would be in his hands as the leader of the ODS to tell him. It amazed him that he suddenly couldn't grasp the words he needed. He could formulate a cover story in minutes, pull an entire mission out of thin air yet he couldn't tell a friend he was free to go back home and leave them.

Billy had sensed the tension and at first had thought they were tiptoeing around what they had believed was his fragile physical and mental conditions, but being back in the office, he had realized there was more to it than that.

"Okay, will one of you please tell me what's going on? And don't say it's nothing because for spies you're not very good liars."

Michael stepped up to Billy.

"How much do you remember about how you ended up in the hospital?"

Billy straightened.

"I'm afraid the events are still in a bit of a fog. I just remember shadows, some voices, but nothing I can make out. Why?"

"You remember a Charles McKinney?"

Billy's posture went rigid.

"The better question would be how do you know Charles?" Billy asked his voice strained.

Michael looked over at Rick and Casey then back at Billy.

"You weren't on a mission. You'd been abducted," Michael said flatly, opting to be direct and to the point though it felt just as painful to be blunt as it would have been if he had eased into the admission.

"What?" Billy said, shock and confusion on his face.

"You'd been abducted by Charles McKinney. You were missing for a month. It took us that long to find you," Michael continued to relate his voice riddled with regret, still believing it had taken them too long to find him.

"When we had exhausted all the leads from the cases you worked on with us, we had decided to go further back. We got cooperation from MI6 to get your dossier and found out what got you deported," Rick chimed in to help Michael. "We learned that Charles McKinney had entered the United States...He had been torturing you for -"

"Killing his brother," Billy finished, his face glazed over with the memory as he closed his eyes in pain and wavered on his feet.

Rick started to walk over to Billy to help, but Billy shook his head and steadied himself on his desk.

"The rest was just good old fashioned spy craft," Casey piped in as well. "What Michael and Rick are beating around the bush to say is that by finding out the truth, we cleared your name."

Even Casey couldn't say the words that all of them knew were the most important for Billy to hear so Michael took it upon himself to finish for all of them.

"You can go back home."

There was silence as they waited for Billy's reaction and eventually his decision of whether he was going to stay or go.

Billy took in all of the information and felt a growing stabbing pain radiating through his body as he absorbed all of the information. Images then started to flash wildly in his mind. He clenched his eyes closed and felt his knees wither from beneath him. Rick saw it and rushed over to him.

"Billy?" Rick said as he grasped one side of him.

Casey grabbed the other in concert.

Billy squeezed his eyes closed, grimacing and moaning. The flashes kept coming at him as if competing for his attention. There was so much information pouring in that Billy couldn't think. Rick and Casey helped him into his chair when they felt him grab at their arms as he continued to moan.

"I'm calling EMS," Michael declared.

"No! No, Michael, don't…I'm all right…"

"Billy, you're far from all right. This is my fault. I think it was too soon to hit you with all this…I shouldn't have pushed you –"

"No, Michael…it's not that…I'm seeing images…having flashes of memory. I can see everything now. Charles giving me the drug…all of you rescuing me…it's just a lot to take in…I can't control it, but it's all right…I want…" Billy breathed heavily. "I need to see it, to remember everything. Just…give me a minute…I just need a minute."

Voices garbled and distorted flooded into him, pain pummeled into every sense; sight, touch, and sound.

"I'm not afraid of dying, Charles."

"You will not hear me beg for my life. I don't have the right to ask it of you. Only you have the power to spare it."

"There was a time when I would have gladly died in your brother's place...some days, I still wish I had...we were mates, yeh? You know that and even before...even after...I would have taken a bullet for him...I know you don't believe it and being Johnny's brother, it's understandable that you wouldn't...I can't hold that against you, but I know it to be true."

Billy's breathing then began to slowly ease as the memories also began to unwind less erratically. He took in deep breaths and calmed.

He turned to his friends.

"Sorry. That was a bit of rush I must say," Billy said as his breathing started to normalize. "But I remember everything, all you did for me to save me. How is Charles?"

"He's in custody and he feels regret for what he's done," Rick said.

"I gather you talked to him," Billy said with a smile, knowing that Rick had reached out.

"Yeh, yeh, he tried to help, but…"

"I don't want to press any charges. No harm was done –"

"No harm was done? Maybe your memory isn't all back, after all. Did you forget that you almost died? That he tried to kill you?" Rick exclaimed. "I understand that he feels badly, but that doesn't give him a pass for what he did to you!"

Billy appreciated Rick's dogged defense of what had happened to him, but now with all the memories back fully, he had remembered his talk with Charles and how he had reached him. Once he had given him absolution and understanding for his hate towards him, Charles had realized his mistake and what he had done to him. Billy knew that he hadn't helped by not explaining to Charles the whole story behind what had happened to Johnny. He hadn't had the heart to sully Johnny's reputation to his baby brother. To him, it seemed unnecessary to do it.

"Believe me, he knows that what he's done was wrong and it will haunt him for the rest of his life. That's punishment enough. I know that from bitter experience myself. The fact is I did kill his brother."

"Because he was a traitor and you took the fall for him. Why? Why would you do that?" Rick asked, finally getting a chance to get the true story because he couldn't understand why Billy would do that to himself.

"Rick –" Michael lightly protested, feeling that Rick needed to back off.

"No, no, it's all right, Michael. Rick's got a right to ask for an explanation. He deserves to know everything. You all do," Billy said.

Michael and Casey sat at their desks, giving Billy room.

"Johnny was an excellent agent, best in the business, yeh?" Billy started. "Rick, remember my little tale at the Memorial Wall? About an agent and getting eaten by wolves? Well, let's just say I took a bit of literary license…"

Rick stared at him. "That was about your friend wasn't it?"

"Yeh. He got nabbed and I got away. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince my superiors to go back for him so I did nothing for a time, but I couldn't let him languish there, yeh? So I went on my own to get him back. Come to find out that he hadn't been captured after all."

"He was working the other side," Casey said with contempt in his voice.

"Yeh. It was me they were supposed to snatch and Johnny was the lure. I tried to bring him back peacefully, but he knew he'd be branded a traitor so he fought me. The gun went off…"

Billy took in a breath.

"My superiors didn't like that I disobeyed orders so they sacked me and deported me. End of career," Billy said simply and matter of fact. There was no hint of recrimination in it.

"Did they know Johnny was a traitor?"

Billy shook his head.

"It didn't matter anymore at that point. He was dead. What good would it have done his family, to Charles to tell them that?"

"Except that Charles blamed you for killing his brother and tried to kill you," Rick emphasized.

"I had no way of knowing he would let that hate fester. I had been deported by then and couldn't go back to explain things so all I could do was put it behind me. Glad he knows the truth now and I'm not going to add insult to injury by pressing charges."

"Afraid that's not your call, Billy. In the end, he attempted to kill a CIA operative. That's the government's call to make," Michael said.

Billy nodded in understanding.

"Well, then, I'll do whatever I can to make sure people understand the circumstances. Maybe they'll give him leniency and just send him back home. I owe that to him."

"That's within your right," Michael said, admiring Billy's ability to forgive. "But in my opinion, you don't owe him anything more than that charity."

Silence then filled the room.

"Since no one is man enough to address the elephant in the room, I guess I'll do it. Are you leaving or staying?" Casey asked.

Billy looked around the room at the faces of his friends and smiled.

"I'm surprised you have to ask."

"But it's your home. You'd get to be back with your family and friends," Rick lightly campaigned. "No would blame you for leaving -"

"I would," Casey teased. "But I wouldn't stop you."

Billy grinned at Casey's predictability.

Even though Rick didn't want him to leave he wanted to make sure Billy knew what he was sacrificing. Rick loved his family and would have been ecstatic to see them again if denied being with them for seven years.

"My home's here now, my family and friends are right before my eyes. It's enough to know that I could go back anytime I wanted. I have all of you to thank for that. The past is over. I've let it go. My future is here now."

A sense of relief surrounded each man.

"How about we get a drink? Did you get the all clear from the doctors?" Rick asked.

"And if I didn't, do you think that would stop me?" Billy said and winked.

As Billy started to rise, he felt the room spin and had to lean on his desk.

"Well, maybe I should take a rain check on that, aye?"

FIN. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed the story.