He should have realized that he couldn't keep this up forever. The truth has a funny way of coming out.

The last thing he remembers seeing is the fog in the entrance of the TV world blurring into his eyes despite the glasses still perched on his nose. The last thing he remembers seeing is Rise's shrill shriek of 'Senpai!'

When he comes to, he doesn't immediately open his eyes. They feel far too heavy to lift up and the back of his head is painfully sore. Instead he focuses on his other senses. He can hear a rhythmic beeping sound and his nose is filling up with the sterile smell of anaesthetic. Recently he's become very familiar with both of these things.

God damn it. The hospital, he's in the hospital. And he can guess exactly why he ended up here. He doesn't want to open his eyes anymore; he doesn't want to face the inevitable barrage of questions they're going to throw his way. He doesn't want to look at the hurt in their eyes. Or worse: pity. God damn it all.

That's right, something whispers in his mind, just give up, let go. If you lie here long enough, maybe you'll die without ever waking up. Painless, right?

At those words Souji's eyes fly open, his heart hammering in his chest. He blinks against the brightness and swallows hard, trying to ground himself into reality, to regain his composure.

You've never had a Shadow, he reminds himself harshly. And you're not in the TV world right now.

But the sense of foreboding doesn't leave him and neither do the words in his mind. Let go, let go, let go. So easy…he wouldn't have to see the pain in their faces, he wouldn't have to hold the team together or take responsibility for them…

Souji would have snorted if he had the energy. Yeah right. He knows that that's not an option anymore. It might have been, once upon a time when his routine had consisted of school, cram school, the library and then coming home to an empty house. Not now. Now, he's going to fight for every last second he has.

"Oh, you're up!" a nurse comes into view from the left, obviously having finished fussing over some other patient. "You had a pretty nasty fall."

"I fell?" he asks hoarsely. He's parched, he realizes all of a sudden, and his lips feel like sand-paper. Fell huh? So that's what the throbbing in his head is.

"Well, technically," the nurse answers amicably as she pours him a glass of water from the bedside table before he could even ask. She must be used to this sort of thing. "You fainted. Exhaustion, most likely. But you still hit your head on the way down."

Souji sits up and gratefully accepts the glass. As soon as he is finished, her face takes on a business-like aura.

"Seta-kun, right? You used to work here at night? Uehara-san had a lot of good things to say about you."

Despite everything Souji manages a smile. "I'll bet she did."

The nurse grins conspiratorially as well, before sobering up. "You're uncle has been informed of this, of course. It seems that he was not aware of your condition."

Just like that, his grin is gone. Souji groans and grinds the heel of his palm into one of his eyes to ease the pain that is gradually building in his head. Dojima's in the hospital himself. Nanako's in the hospital. His uncle can't afford to be worrying about anything else.

"He was in quite a bit of panic, understandably. So we had to contact your parents and they explained the situation to him. Dojima-san has quite the temper. He raised hell until we had your medical files transferred-"

"How long was I out?" Souji interrupts incredulously. Medical files? Already? Had they contacted his doctor in the city?

"A little over a day," she replies, looking sympathetic. "Lot can happen in a day. Anyway I've paged your doctor and- oh, here he comes."

She moves aside to make room for a white-haired and severe-looking man, a no-nonsense sort of person. He gives clipped statement, makes short notes and speaks with brevity. But he's not unkind. At least Souji doesn't think so.

"So you refused treatment?" the doctor asks and Souji nods tiredly. "Are you certain that you won't change your mind now?"

"At this point? I'm pretty sure," he states firmly and waits for something more. Platitudes or persuasion. Raised eyebrows at his decision. A 'don't you see what this means?' But it doesn't come. The doctor sees him looking and, perhaps guessing his thought process, shrugs as if to say 'do as you will'. Souji doesn't know why but his shoulders sag with relief at that action. To him, acceptance seems inexplicably kind, the kindest reaction he's received yet. Inaba never stops surprising him.

"We're going to keep you overnight, just in case but there's nothing terribly wrong. Aside from the obvious," the doctor smiles a little wryly. Black humour. Souji can appreciate that. "Just try and take it easy from now on. Your body can't take a lot of strain."

"Okay," Souji agrees. Take it easy. Right. Tell that to the Shadows.

"Speaking of overnight, your friends are here," the doctor continues with a combination of amusement and exasperation. "They've practically been camping out in the waiting room since you got admitted. We probably couldn't get right of them if we tried."

Something of Souji's emotions must have shown on his face because the doctor's smile falters. "You don't have to meet with them right now," he says seriously. "If you don't feel up to it I could-"

"No!" Souji's voice nearly cracks. "No, I'd like to see them, all of them. Please," he adds hopefully.

The doctor looks unconvinced but nods at the nurse anyway before taking his leave. The nurse fluffs up his pillows before smiling concernedly down at him. "I'll show them in then, okay?"

And with that she leaves him alone with his thoughts. It's a dangerous place to be in.

He feels like crumpling again as soon as she's gone. Tired. He's so, so tired. He doesn't doubt that if he were to close his eyes this instant, he would nod off immediately. What he wonders is when he'll wake up again. There's a bone-deep weariness inside him, weighing him down. And it's such an effort, he thinks, to drag himself out of bed. It's an effort to wake up, to talk, to eat, to breathe. Sometimes, it seems like too much effort to even exist.

And that's why he needs to see them right. Because they remind him that he can't just give and lie around, waiting for death. They remind him that it's worth the effort. Yosuke's crude jokes, Chie's inane chatter, Naoto's attempts at being above it all and Kanji's efforts in turning into a gentleman. Yukiko's poisonous cooking, Rise's over-the-top flirting and Teddie's hero-worship-

Nanako's cheery 'Big bro!'

-and so much more that he's found here since he's moved.

Once, he might have been content to wait for his death in an empty house, preparing meals for a family that's never coming home and then eating it cold and waiting for the next day. The thought makes him cringe now.

He wants to stay alive. It's a different kind of ache from that monotonous depression from before- this reminder that he'll never get as much time as he wants but as hard as it is, he still wants to stay alive. For just as long as he can.

He shakes his head, hoping to clear his mind but all it does is worsen the pain. He can feel his thoughts tumbling into one another, turning into a slurred mess. He can't be this disoriented. He's the Leader after all. They depend on him. And he has to make them see that they can still depend on him.

He raises his head as the door opens and tries not to feel like a cornered animal.


A/N: So I ended up deciding to continue this because the idea just wouldn't leave my head. It's going to branch out into different POVs soon, to show how everyone's dealing with this. The chapters will probably be on the short side since I'm posting this in the kink meme as well and I hate cluttering up that space. Anyway, hope you guys liked it!