Lissa and Dimitri were sitting in Lissa's room. Dimitri was sitting across from her, legs folded underneath himself. It would be a funny sight, actually, if my heart didn't ache seeing him. My Russian-God was sitting on Lissa's floor like a kindergartener. Lissa was feeling upset and angry with Dimitri, yet confused.
"Dimitri," Lissa whined. That was odd. Lissa didn't whine. She had two sides of her; scared and confused, and determined and strong. Lissa never threw tantrums like I did, which is why her tone surprised me.
"I'm sorry," Dimitri said softly, and though I was in Lissa's body, I could feel myself tremble at his perfect Russian accent. "It would just be too painful for both of us. I'm sure you understand, Princess." Hm, they're words didn't clue me in as to what they were doing, so I decided to push farther into Lissa's mind to figure out the story.
As it turns out, they were talking about me, and this wasn't really a conversation I wanted to hear. It hurt too much. Lissa had gone to Dimitri to ask for help to prove my innocence. So far they had herself, Adrian, Christian, Abe, my mother, and Tasha, but they figured the more help the better. Dimitri ended up declining and Lissa was very upset, she didn't know why he wouldn't want to help and figured he was just being selfish. Something about Lissa's whining, and her judgmental assumptions bothered me. It just was so un-Lissa. I figured it was just the spirit effects, and I tried to ignore it.
In the meantime Dimitri continuously broke my heart. Why the hell wouldn't he help them? Was I that repulsive to him? Lissa really didn't understand either. She knew what had happened between us in the cabin. She knew everything that we had been through. And she knew that Dimitri should be the person fighting hardest for me. She felt like literally shaking some sense into him.
"You love her though," she spokes slowly and softy. Her mind was reeling just as much as mine was. She imagined herself in my situation, and Christian refusing to contribute to her freedom. She choked up just thinking about it. She thought she knew what I was feeling, but the pain I felt was beyond words-beyond what anybody could comprehend. All the times me and Dimitri has shared. The stolen kisses, the loving looks…that was all gone now.
"Loved her," he corrected icily. That stung. Lissa flinched at his tone, I would have too if I were her. He had never spoken so harshly to her; in fact he was always practically kissing the ground she walked on. "I've hurt her enough since I've been back. You should have heard some of the awful things I said to her." Love fades, mine has. Yes, okay, he had hurt me. Multiple times actually, but couldn't he see I was willing to forgive him for it all? He just had to love me. That would be the only thing I needed to forgive him. Why didn't he understand that?
"But you regret that. You've told me so yourself," Lissa said. And her words gave me a sliver of hope. Was it possible that Dimitri was only lying before? Did he still love me? Was he just trying to protect me? Had he secretly admitted so to Lissa, and she had kept it from me so he could surprise me? His face was stony, giving off nothing. But his next sentence dissipated every sense of hope that I had.
"Yes," he agreed. "I did say that I regret saying such things to her. But that's not because they weren't true. They are, actually. It's just I feel like I could have delivered the message much kinder." He shrugged and stood up, ready to leave. "Only, she was relentless and something needed to be done. But the pain I read in her eyes was something that cut me deep. I don't enjoy hurting anyone, Princess." He left the room without further words.
Lissa's emotions were all over the place. There were the expected ones; confusion, sorrow, hopelessness. But there were others too. Ones that just made no sense to me. Excitement, longing. And determination. Okay, so the determination was pretty obvious. She was going to do whatever she could for me, because that was my Lissa. But the other two I just could not grasp. Excitement? Why the hell would she be excited?
I realized that that was kind of shallow. Her life should involve more than me, but it hurt. I was walking on eggshells. Anything I said or did wrong could be used against me to prove me guilty. I was nearly spiraling to depression, what with my fucked up love life, and being blamed for murder, but Lissa was excited. I decided that Lissa's feelings on top of mine would do nothing short of making me go insane, therefore I decided to leave her head.
I'm not sure that being back in my own mind was much better. Actually, it was probably much worse. I was locked in prison, of course it was much worse. But my mind was reeling, which is to be expected after what I had just witnessed.
I would do anything, and I do mean anything, for Dimitri. I truly did the worst thing imaginable for him. Breaking Victor Dashkov out of prison wasn't easy, and it sure as hell wasn't smart. I risked my career-my life, along with Eddie's and Lissa's. But it was all for Dimitri, and there was no doubt in my mind that it was worth it. Dimitri was back at court, his eyes were that warm brown again, and his skin was just as sun-kissed as the day she met him. She did that for him, yet he wouldn't help her.
He credited Lissa for saving him. He actually vowed his life to her. All I receive for my efforts is coldness and heartbreak for him. I was severely close to being put to death. At that moment we had absolutely no evidence that would support my claim to have not killed Tatiana Ivashkov. Dimitri could have helped speed the process. He was so intelligent. He was one of the smartest and most talented people I knew. He was not only a god when it came to fighting, but he was a master at self-control, and the perfect model of calm. He knew how to handle every situation. He would make the greatest asset to my freedom. But that was apparently out of the question. He wouldn't even bother to help me.
My musings were interrupted by the sounds of footsteps at my cell gate. I figured it could be a guardian, but after the first few days of my being locked up they never came remotely close to my cell. I lifted my head, which I honestly didn't know was bowed, to see a weary Tasha Ozera.
That really wasn't expected. I mean, I just found out about Tasha's involvement in my case and the thought that she was on Court grounds never crossed my mind. I gave her a small smile, which was actually equivalent to a large grin in my case. "Tasha," I greeted, and she nodded at me in response. "What are you doing here?" I pretty much knew what she was doing here. She looked tired, like she hadn't gotten any sleep in days, and she was dressed in sweatpants and a deep green tank-top that painfully reminded me of Adrians eyes.
Rose, you are a mess, my mind scolded. And I knew it was true. One minute my heart was so torturously aching because of Dimitri, and the next I was longing for Adrian. There was something seriously messed up with me.
I forgot Tasha was even there until she spoke, "I came on orders from Abe." That got my attention. Why would my father be ordering Tasha Ozera around? Last time I checked Tasha was one to fight the system and didn't take orders from anyone. She was clearly where Christian got his devil-may-care attitude, only she was friendlier and more social. Then again, Abe was not one to be ignored. Ever since I had met him he had always struck me as the knee cap breaking kind of mobster guy, and though he's my father, that image of him never really faded.
I figured she would proceed but she remained quiet until I urged her. "Go on," I said.
"Well, Abe has been called to some, uh, business. He said something about temporarily visiting Nebraska, or North Carolina," She explained. Her brows furrowing, confused. She shrugged it off. "That's not important. Anyways, he asked me to come with you and discuss some business matters." I didn't understand why Abe had put Tasha Ozera in charge. I liked her and all, but she was not who I would expect to pick up my case.
As if to mimic my thoughts Tasha began to explain that she was not first resort. My mother actually was. But my mother was still a guardian and is currently held up with her charge. And Tasha being the only other adult was asked to fill his place. I nodded as she explained this. It really did make sense, and I probably should have figured that out in the first place.
"Alright," I said. "You're here to discuss business, let's get to it." I realized that my voice was kind of harsh, and I wasn't really sure why. Maybe Lissa had been using spirit and her darkness was now leaking into me, in any case I don't think Tasha took it personally. I don't see how she could, seeing as I was in a perfectly appropriate situation to be rude to others.
Tasha didn't justify my remark with a response. Instead she turned to one of the guards and signaled him over. "I will need a chair and a table. Nothing fancy, obviously. I just need something so that I can sit and talk to Miss Hathaway here, and talk about a few things.
The guard grunted in the most unattractive matter, but did as she asked. I waited silently and patiently through it all. After her desired items were set up, she took a seat in the chair, fixing me with a serious look. "Rose, before asking you this question, I need to make one thing clear: I am on your side. I know you didn't kill Queen Tatiana, I know you would never. But this question is kind of like…" she fumbled for a word and I was growing nervous. The way she spoke of her next question implied that it was not at all good. "procedure, I suppose." He continued. She looked me straight in the eye and in a steady tone asked, "Rosemarie Hathaway, did you have any involvement in the murdering of Tatiana Ivashkov?"
My mouth opened to speak, but no words came out. How could she even ask that? Yeah, she sure as hell seemed like she was on my side, alright. I scoffed. "Tasha, that's a ridiculous question." I rolled my eyes. I didn't do that a lot. I found it to be one of those annoying teenage girl behaviors that was completely unattractive.
Tasha clearly expected an answer like that, and I understood why she would. I wasn't exactly known for being cooperative. "Please, Rose. Just answer the question."
I sighed, "No Tasha. I had absolutely nothing to do with killing the bitch." The corner of Tasha's lips quirked up, but she immediately pushed away the smile. I knew that Tasha disliked the queen as much as I did, but she was in work mode now. She nodded and looked down at some papers she had spread out on the desk without my noticing.
She asked me a bunch more questions about the crime that I was accused of. She already knew most of the answers, so I didn't really see the point. It was almost like some kind of interrogation, but I knew Tasha better than that. I had a feeling that she didn't even know the reason behind her questions. There was a large possibility that Abe had just handed her a list of things she was supposed to say to me or ask me.
After almost an hour of questions she finally smiled. "Rose, I know this is hard for you, but I swear me and the rest of the gang will figure something out," she assured, but it did no good. I felt hopeless. As far as I could tell there was nothing at all that pointed the murder in any other direction than myself.
She pushed her chair out, as if to stand up, but thought against it. "There is one more thing I need to address," she said with a frown. She looked slightly uncomfortable, and I had no idea what was coming.
"Okay?"
"It's personal though, and I don't want you getting upset."
"Alright."
"Okay, this is something I knew I had to do since I found out about, uh, you and Dimitri. I didn't really know how to do it without being awkward, but I figured now was as good a time as any. I'm really sorry about asking Dimitri to be my guardian. I had no idea there was anything going on between you. I never would have asked if I knew, I swear. It makes so much sense now that I think of it. You were pretty rude at the ski resort, and I had no idea why. I figured you didn't like me, but at other times you were being nice, and I knew you weren't one to pretend you like somebody. I really should have seen it then, and I know that it hurt. But Dimitri obviously said no out of love to you, and when I first found out of course I was a little bit jealous. Who wouldn't be, once they see Dimitri, but it is so clear that he loves you, and I'm really happy I didn't come between that."
Honestly, I was surprised this was even a topic. I figured once she found out she would just blow it off, because she didn't care if she caused any damage. I figured that she would assume it was just a silly crush. But it was obvious she she thought otherwise, and it came really close to making me smile. I was happy that Tasha apologized, it meant she actually cared about me, and I was grateful,m she was a wonderful woman. But one thing she said did bother me. I'm really happy I didn't come between that. She didn't, but the rest of the universe did. That thought turned me to ice, and I turned and walked to the back of my cell. Tasha was probably confused, I would be too, she just gave me this huge, tremendous apology and I walk away from her? But every reminder of Dimitri hurt me.
"Loved," I said in a low voice. It was dark and hostile. The hostility wasn't directed towards Tasha, and it probably seemed like it, but I didn't care enough to elaborate on that point.
"What?" She questioned.
I turned only my head and looked at her, her expression was one of chagrin, but I didn't mind. "He loved me," I repeated just what Dimitri had told Lissa, my icy tone nearly matching his.
She clearly didn't know what to say to that, so she gathered upo her papers from the desk, shoving them into a tan folder, and walked away.
I decided then, that it was in my best interest to sleep. I hadn't been doing so much lately, because every time I drifted off a nightmare would form beneath my eyelids.
I flopped down on my extremely uncomfortable bed and the second I closed my eyes I fell into a sea of blackness.
