A/N: Here you go, folks. Chapter two. Again, may I repeat that this is crack-ish and has a humor tag. Other than that, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Naruto. They are owned by J.K. Rowling and Masashi Kishimoto respectively.
Pairings: Hashirama/Hikaru (fem!Harry), slight Mada/Tobi, slight Touka/Izuna
...
Tobirama wanted to hit Hashirama.
Now that wasn't really odd, considering he often felt the urge to strangle his older brother on a good day. But this was different.
His brother was pining.
Over an Uchiha.
Tobimara did not know what to feel about that.
On one hand, it was an Uchiha. Senju were genetically predisposed to hate that surname and were taught to attack them on command at birth. But on the other hand, they were at peace and there was no reason to have a grudge when both families agreed to bury the hatchet.
And besides, it wasn't just any Uchiha. It was Uchiha Hikaru.
The young woman was probably the antithesis of everything an Uchiha was supposed to be.
Sharingan-less eyes aside, she was lively and sociable, very much unlike her stoic and extremely formal clan. It was difficult to go against her, against a person who countered glares and insults with kind words and disarming smiles. She did had a spine of steel behind that silk though, and Tobirama could faintly admire how she manipulated her clan into accepting her decisions despite her bastard status.
She was also excessively cheerful, although thankfully not to the point of Hashirama's annoying obnoxiousness. Uchiha Hikaru's personality was comparable to a light breeze, peaceful in its stillness, and the way her lips curved and her eyes sparkled so knowingly made people feel at ease around her.
Maybe that was why Madara and Izuna were so besotted with their youngest sibling. They probably took one look at the baffling creature that was their sister and found her not dreary, not broody, not angst-filled and had fallen in love with the little odd duck that waddled like a shining light in the cesspool of darkness that was the Uchiha clan.
Tobirama had seen some of his own clansmen give a double-take when they passed Uchiha Hikaru by the streets. The girl radiated sunshine and quiet peace, and children and puppies and other infantile creatures would approach her by droves.
Tobirama was also quite sure that Uchiha Hikaru was the sole reason behind the Uchiha clan warming up to the rest of the village, and vice versa. The green-eyed girl was a nice Uchiha, and if there was a nice one, surely there were more inside that broody-looking clan?
And so the village poked and prodded. Like a badger pawing at a bee's hive looking for honey and ignoring the stinging bees, not knowing that the bees themselves were befuddled at the badger sniffing in their territory. And soon the bees got used to the badger and became friends with it and what the hell was he thinking at two in the morning—
"Fucking hell. I need sleep."
The next morning, the servants wondered why Tobirama-sama was up at five muttering something about bees and badgers.
...
Over time, Tobirama stopped worrying over the fact that Hikaru was an Uchiha and started thinking about how he could ship his brother off to his self-proclaimed love of his life with a bow on his head because kami, his brother could whine.
...
A flurry of red hair whipped inside the Hokage building. Before the other shinobi could stop the sudden intruder, Mito had already made her way to the assistant's desk.
Dark eyes gleamed cheerfully. "Hello, little cousin."
"Good morning, cousin Mito." Hikaru said, pausing from shelving documents to smile at the Uzumaki looking at her expectantly.
Mito cooed. Her baby cousin was such a cute one. She still remembered how adorable Hikaru was as a child.
When Aunt Haruka came back pregnant after a mission, everyone was shocked to learn that the baby she was carrying was only half-Uzumaki and was not her dead husband's child.
Mito was five years old back then and had been wanting a sibling for the longest time. A first cousin was the closest thing she could ever have and so she welcomed the black-haired baby with open arms. She'd loved Hikaru ever since she was a squalling newborn and she threw a fit when the three-year old girl was shipped to the Uchiha clan without any preamble.
Mito sent Hikaru letters and scrolls as they grew up, not letting distance drive them apart. Once or twice her cousin managed to sneak into Uzushio using that mysterious teleportation jutsu of hers. They would catch up and swap seals that they created, and most of the time Mito would learn about those strange, unknown symbols that her cousin used alongside fuuijutsu. Strange symbols that Hikaru called runes.
They only worked for Mito half of the time, but it didn't stop her from being in awe of the things her cousin could create with seals. Things that almost seemed like magic.
It was truly a shame that Hikaru was puttering away with administrative work instead of using her full creativity.
"It's nice to see you again, Mito-nee. But why are you here?" Hikaru asked, distractedly making a note on her scroll.
'Nine thirty a.m., an Uzumaki whirlwind arrived in the Hokage office—'
"Oh, so I can't see my cousin anymore?" Mito said, patting her cheeks.
Hikaru snapped her planner shut, lips twitching in a smile. "We just saw each other last night, nee-chan. Remember? You drank Izuna-nii under the table. He was still swearing at you when I left him this morning."
Mito laughed. "Lightweight. Tell your brother he's just an ungraceful loser."
Hikaru's eyes glinted with humor as she hefted a pile of documents. "Madara-nii says you cheat. And that women are not supposed to drink that much sake. He says it's undignified. And that you're a bad influence."
"Tell your other brother that since he can't hold his liquor—and who conks out after a saucer of sake?—he is not allowed his own opinion."
"You can tell him yourself when he gets home. You can sleep over again tonight." Hikaru offered.
"I'll think about it." Mito said.
It was so strange how at ease Mito felt around the uptight Uchiha clan nowadays. Uzumaki were traditionally allied with the Senju, not the Uchiha. But the more she spent with Hikaru's other family, the more she realized that they weren't that bad at all. They just needed to pull the sticks out of their collective asses.
"Anyway, little cousin. I came here to fulfill the Uzumaki's part of the treaty." Mito said, taking a seat.
Hikaru brightened. "Oh. Now?"
"Mn." Mito smiled. "Seals around the village. We can start today."
It was the deal Uzushio has with Konoha. In return for their friendship and support, the island village decided to impart several sealing knowledge to Konoha as thanks.
"I still thinks it's a shame that you weren't married to Hashirama-san." Hikaru murmured, not meeting Mito's eyes as she busied himself with some papers. "I think you'd go rather well together."
Mito smirked, not missing the downturn of Hikaru's lips at the mention of her failed engagement. Uzushio had first offered her as a bride to Hashirama as a gesture of goodwill. Considering that Mito was the Uzukage's daughter, it was a very generous boon indeed. However, both parties declined; Mito because she refused to be tied down and Hashirama because he began to see her only as a friend after all the time their elders tried to force them together.
"We'd go as well as mochi and natto. Which translates to, 'not very well'." Mito said, tugging one of Hikaru's messy strands playfully. "Hashirama and I are friends. And the bond between Uzu and Konoha is as strong as it can be."
She didn't mention that it was Hikaru's presence that made all the difference in the world. Hikaru was the child of the Uzukage's sister and the former Uchiha clan head and bastard though she may be, her birthright gave her incredible political clout, especially since both current Uchiha and Uzumaki clan heads accept her as kin.
Both clans manifest strongly in Hikaru. The Uchiha acknowledged Hikaru's Uzu roots and the Uzumaki respected that the Uchiha took good care of one who they consider their own despite being a half-blood. The gestures between the two clans did wonders to strengthen the ties between Konoha and Uzushio.
It was actually because of Hikaru that Mito and Hashirama were given a choice to back down from the engagement. Had there not been an undeniable proof that there was already a strong blood tie between Konoha and Uzushio, Mito and Hashirama may have been forced to be wed.
"And besides, I think Hashirama likes green eyes better." Mito said, smirking when Hikaru startled at her words. "Green eyes and black hair, preferably on a certain little Uchiha who's also his assistant. Do you know how many fantasies that Senju blockhead must have of you right now? I bet he has loads—"
"Mito-nee!" Hikaru sputtered in mortification, cheeks flaming as she grabbed her cousin's shoulder. "What are you saying about the Hokage? He's not—"
"Utterly, stupidly besotted? Oh yes, he is. And I bet if I walk in there and tell him to kiss you smack dab in public, I bet he will."
Hikaru looked like she was having a heart attack. Cheerfully, Mito ignored her and flounced to the Hokage's office.
"Hashirama! What do you say? Senju Hikaru has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Choking noises abounded from the Hokage's office.
...
In the end, it was Mito's teasing that drove Hashirama to properly ask Hikaru out, and Mito watched with great smugness as Hikaru gently handled the beautiful bouquet of flowers that Hashirama sent after their first meeting out together.
"Lilies. Got your favorite flowers spot on already, hm?"
Hikaru flushed, although it didn't mar the pleasure on her face. "I didn't even tell him I like lilies."
"Lucky him, then." Mito said before smiling wickedly and dragging Hikaru away from the vase. "Now, tell me all about it. I distracted your brothers from looking for either of you while you were out, so I deserve all the details. So how was he? Was he a good kisser? Did he try to seduce you? I bet he got a grope in there somewhere—"
"Mito-nee!" Hikaru protested in surprise, although there was a beginning of a grin twisting on her mouth.
"Oh, don't be such a prude, Hikaru-chan. Tell Mito-nee everything. I got you together, after all! I bet he's actually wild in bed behind that goofy, no-good attitude of his—"
"We went on one date." Hikaru said, half-mortified, half-amused at how colorful her cousin's imagination ran. "One. He took me out on a walk and I kissed him goodbye and that was it—"
"Oho! So you kissed! Was there tongue involved—"
Hikaru couldn't help it. She laughed out loud.
...
Hashirama and Hikaru went out several more times after that, using the guise of sealing the village borders to spend more time together. Touka and Mito were their gleeful accomplices, along with a fed-up Tobirama who watched with exasperation as the two danced and tip-toed around each other.
Soon, it became custom for them to sneak glances at each other with bright smiles and flushed faces. They basked in each other's presence, getting to know each other slowly, gradually. As time went on, it became custom for Hashirama to press kisses on Hikaru's forehead in greeting and Hikaru would smile and reach out to twine their hands together, content in spending time with him.
Hikaru knew that if her parents, if James and Lily and Haruka were still alive, they would approve of Hashirama.
He was unlike any other human Hikaru had met before. In a world of death and violence, Hashirama was almost too kind and had a slightly naïve outlook in life. He was always that one person who wanted to look at the brighter side of things.
But he was a leader and a dreamer, and he made people listen. His presence inspired faith and he worked painstakingly to achieve his dream of peace. Hashirama wanted to move this world into a new era, wanted to end the endless warring the clans have wrought. He was willing to shoulder the burden of being the first one to carry the village's responsibilities, and for that alone, Hashirama would have Hikaru's complete respect.
"I told Madara a long time ago, that I wanted a place where children can grow in peace." Hashirama said, stroking Hikaru's hand with his thumb as they strolled on the mountain above the village in the silence of dawn. "I wanted a place where people can thrive without fear and live without terror."
He raised his hand, and Hikaru's hand along with it, entwined as they were. He swept their hands to the image of the village before them, and Hikaru stared at Hashirama and smiled.
Hashirama flushed and Hikaru took a moment to quietly laugh at that. He had a weakness for her smiles, she knew. Hashirama pouted at the sound of her laughter and Hikaru pacified him with a kiss on his cheek.
Hashirama was as bright as he was in life as he was in love. He held none of his affection on hold and Hikaru was sometimes overwhelmed with the amount of adoration Hashirama seemed to have for her. He was generous with words, declaring his love for her as sweet and quiet and as often as he could. Hikaru tried to give as much as Hashirama gave, tried to be his silent strength and support in times when he needed someone.
Hashirama loved her, and it was a simple truth that made Hikaru's smile bloom every time she heard those words. Hikaru loved him too, and it was as exhilarating and magical as everything in her life was right now.
Yes, Hashirama was unlike anyone Hikaru had ever met.
...
But bliss couldn't last forever.
"Excuse me? You want to what, Hokage-sama?"
The clan heads all perked up at the voice of one Uchiha Hikaru, who was staring at the Hokage from her seat with such a sickly sweet smile on her face.
Everyone was alert at the sudden tension in the room.
Trouble in paradise?
It was well-known around the village that the Hokage and the little Uchiha-hime were now together. It wasn't that hard to deduce considering Hashirama's besotted smiles and Hikaru's bright eyes. Only Madara, Izuna, and some of the blinder Uchiha remained ignorant through the efforts of Mito and Touka.
Hashirama was surprised at the frigidly polite tone Hikaru was giving him. "We should divide the bijuu and distribute them amongst the villages as a sign of goodwill."
There were murmurs of assent in the council room. It was general knowledge that the Hashirama's Mokuton could subdue a bijuu. And Konoha had a fair good idea of every beast's location so there was merit in the thought. Some of them wanted to keep every tailed beast for the village, but other members shot down the idea with a retort of power-hoarding.
"—it would make the other villages resent us for having all of the bijuu. I say we keep the strongest—"
Hikaru gritted her teeth at the sight of the council dividing the bijuu like they were objects. Even Hashirama looked unconcerned. For someone who was incredibly intelligent he could be astonishingly dense as well.
Hikaru now understood her eldest brother's permanent urge to maim the Hokage.
She sighed, closing her eyes. Well now. This won't do at all.
The next day, Uchiha Hikaru was declared missing. Hashirama threw all caution to the winds as Madara and Izuna headed the frantic search for her, following their sister's blatant trail of chakra a hundred miles south of Konoha. It led them to a large, musty cave draped with the most malevolent aura they have ever felt.
Everybody gaped in shock at the sight that met them inside.
The Kyuubi loomed over them, lying down on its haunches while his nine tails swished menacingly at their arrival. Its red eyes looked at them tauntingly as long, lupine ears perked up in glee.
"Humans." The Kyuubi rumbled, maw pulled back in a large grin as its dark orange fur bristled in anticipation.
Everyone tensed.
"Kurama." Hikaru said in faint admonishment. "Don't bait them please."
The missing Uchiha princess was seated between the Kyuubi's finger-like paws, nestled in its fur and lying down sedately. She had been reading a book when the contingent had arrived and had snapped it shut at the sight of her brothers.
"Hikaru!" Madara exclaimed, although he didn't dare fire a jutsu lest he harm his sister as well.
Hashirama breathed out a sigh of relief at the sight of Hikaru safe and sound, readying his Mokuton to pin down the nine-tailed beast dangerously close to his lover.
Hikaru caught his gesture and sent him a glare so frigid that made Hashirama realize that he was currently in the dog house so to speak.
"After the council meeting yesterday, I decided to warn a good friend that he and his siblings are about to be hunted." Hikaru's words were light but biting, and it paralyzed every shinobi inside the cave. "They deserve a good head start at least, don't you think?"
"Hikaru…" It was Touka who spoke up, having wormed her way into the search. "What do you mean?"
Hikaru frowned and stared at them all. "You wanted to cage nine conscious entities. Nine beings capable of feeling and thought. And you were about to enslave and imprison them without any regard for their opinion or freedom."
Everyone's eyes flickered to the Kyuubi, who was staring at them smugly.
Hashirama dropped his arms curiously and Madara looked at his sister in defeat.
"Then what should we do?"
Hikaru smiled and glanced into demonic, red eyes. "We have an idea." She stroked the Kyuubi's fur almost absently, uncaring of the claws capable of tearing her head off.
Hashirama made a dying sound, face red.
To the side, Touka hid a grin. Looks like her cousin got off from the image of his beloved approaching a deadly chakra beast.
In the end, Konoha did track down every tailed beast. But this time, it was to tag them with a seal that allowed them to escape whenever they were in danger of being captured. A portkey, Hikaru called it. The young Uchiha also modified the intricately complex seal to allow the bijuu to shrink in size and transform into a human figure for at least a few hours a day.
The council conceded to Hikaru's idea reluctantly. It was a high risk to have a bijuu inside the village anyway, and they were superstitious enough to believe that the Kyuubi's resentment and malevolence would bring ill luck. So as long as none of the villages had any chance of gaining the bijuu, then they were fine with letting them go.
The bijuu were thankful for the seal as it allowed them to roam around the continent unhindered. They were mostly peaceable and wanted to be left alone, it was just that their gigantic sizes made it impossible to walk around without a hoard of shinobi dogging their paths. But now, no stupid village can cage them. And so as long as they didn't terrorize a settlement, Hikaru would allow them the use of her seals.
The grateful bijuu often stopped by in Konoha in secret, bringing an amused Hikaru little trinkets from their journey. The green-eyed Uchiha accepted them all—Snow Country sake from a grumpy Shukaku, sea glass jewelry from a shy Isobu, a wind flute from a cheerful Choumei. Hikaru loved them all, and she indulged in listening to the bijuu about how nice it was to walk around without people screaming at their faces for once.
Hikaru was happy for them. They deserved to be free. Flashes of a small, wrinkled, eager elf assaulted her memories, and she was glad that the bijuu were a million times more resilient and powerful than a lowly house elf even though they were as prone to subjugation as Dobby was.
"I met Kurama first." Hikaru told Hashirama and her brothers when her anger had simmered down. "I was fourteen and father just died. You were leaving me alone more often. I don't blame you," she said when her brothers looked upset. "You just took up leadership, Madara-nii. It was a difficult time for everyone. But I felt stifled inside the compound. So I decided to leave and explore on my own. I ran into Kurama inside the same cave you found us in. He was extremely hostile but I wore him down."
"You weren't scared?" Izuna said, imagining a fourteen-year old Hikaru facing off against the Kyuubi. He shuddered.
"Scared? I was damn terrified," Hikaru laughed. "Ran straight out of the cave like the hounds of hell were chasing after me. But I kept returning because I was curious."
"Because you were curious." Madara said flatly. See, this was why they never let her out of the compound before. She got into the most ridiculous kinds of situations when given freedom.
Hikaru nodded, grinning at her brother. "Yes. He tried to attack me several times. But I'm not entirely helpless, you know. I kept on returning and I guess he got fed up with me in the end. Didn't mind my company anymore."
"And now you're friends." Hashirama said faintly. He had been the most apologetic of them all, confessing that he didn't realize that the bijuu were truly sentient.
Hikaru smiled at him. "Yes. Now we're friends."
...
"It's amazing that you two haven't been caught yet, you know." Tobirama said in dispassionate greeting, staring dead eyes at the two fumbling figures in front of him.
Hashirama and Hikaru turned to him with flushed faces, and Tobirama raised a brow in bland disapproval. He was practically desensitized at the image after seeing the two sneak around for months now.
He wondered how Madara and Izuna could be this blind for so long. Sheer bullheadedness must run in the family.
"We're in the Senju compound, Tobirama. Don't be mean." Hashirama said with as much dignity as he could muster, considering the situation.
"Yes, well. If the Uchiha were to be informed that Hikaru-hime's researches in our compound consist mostly of you molesting the daylights out of her… I already asked some of our clansmen to dig you a grave near the Tsushima Shrine, brother." Tobirama said placidly before glancing at the mortified girl that had been pinned against his brother a moment ago. "Hello, Hikaru-hime."
Hikaru waved a feeble hand in greeting.
"I haven't been molesting Hikaru!" Hashirama said in offense. "I've been… well, courting her."
Tobirama wanted to say that courting didn't involve making out on the sitting room of the Senju manor unsupervised at all, but whatever. On his brother's head be it.
"Courting me is technically worse, Hashirama." Hikaru said quietly, patting her unruly hair back. "It's Madara-nii's prerogative to allow a courtship, so we're not really in a relationship. Just sneaking around."
Tobirama sent her an assessing look. At least she seemed to be keeping her brain in their relationship.
Hashirama looked stricken at Hikaru's words. "So I'm just taking advantage of you? Oh, kami. I am, aren't I?"
The Uchiha lowered her eyes demurely. "I wouldn't use those words—"
Hashirama took Hikaru's shoulders steadily and looked her in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I hadn't been thinking. I was just so happy that I forgot…" The Hokage breathed in deeply, "I'm doing you a world of wrong, Hikaru. I'll talk to your brothers today, I swear."
And then he pressed a kiss to Hikaru's mouth and stood up, nodding at Tobirama and leaving the room.
"Take your wits with you." Tobirama called after him. "I don't want you dead just yet, brother. Our clansmen haven't finished digging."
Hikaru laughed, green eyes sparkling as she tucked her hands and sat upright.
Tobirama stared at her for a moment before giving her a reluctant smile. "Masterful performance."
"I try." Hikaru said dryly. "How long do you think it would take him to realize that I duped him into facing Madara-nii?"
"Probably never, with how angelic he seems to regard you as." Tobirama said impassively. "But knowing my brother, it was not his intention to keep you a secret. I apologize for his actions."
She looked surprised. "It's not—"
"It is entirely inappropriate, and he should know better." Tobirama said, cutting her off. "If it were a formal courtship, he would never be allowed around you without supervision. Hashirama is the clan head and he knows the proper protocol and traditions of our family."
Hikaru cocked her head. "Is that why he looked so stricken?"
"Yes," Tobirama said in confusion. "I thought you knew. I thought that was the reason why you fooled him into meeting your brothers. You want him to take responsibility, do you not?"
"Oh, it's not because of tradition." Hikaru said with a slight smile. "Hashirama's honorable, he wouldn't do anything against my will. I wanted him to meet my brothers because I know we can't keep up the pretense much longer. It's better to say it to my brothers' face now than for them to find out on their own. We're letting it fester as it is."
"Oh." Tobirama said in surprise. He thought she had a more superficial reason for wanting to reveal their relationship. He thought wrong, it seemed. "I see. I think I'm going to enjoy having you as a sister-in-law."
Hikaru flushed, and Tobirama smiled at her. His brother had chosen his future wife wisely at least. "Aren't you going to follow after Hashirama? He might need your help in facing your brothers."
Hikaru waved his concern away. "Madara-nii does have a reason to get mad. We have been hiding it for months now, so I'll let him take a good shot at Hashirama. I'll follow after him once I see something burning. Or hear something exploding. He won't maim him permanently. I think. Hopefully."
Tobirama let out a huff of laughter and proceeded to sit in front of the table littered with fuuinjutsu notes. "So, I do have some interest in your sealing project…"
...
Madara felt ill. His young, innocent, baby sister was being courted— no, corrupted by his idiot of a best friend.
That… that couldn't be true.
"It's true, nii-san."
Impossible! Since when had that fucking bastard—
"Seven months ago, nii-san."
Seven months?! Seven months of treachery—why that scum-infested sonofabitch!
"Nii-san, you're yelling my eardrums off."
Madara's murderous eyes flickered to Hikaru. "Where is the bastard."
Hikaru blinked at her eldest brother's suddenly calm voice. She had a bad feeling about this…
"I told him to leave after you shot a Grand Fireball at his face. Calm down, nii-san—"
Calm down?! To hell with calming the fuck down!
Hashirama was panting after Hikaru like a dog in fucking heat! His sister! Hashirama and his baby sister!
That wasn't allowed! Who told Hashirama he was allowed to do that? And to his sister of all people?!
Was this a practical joke? Was Hashirama trying to beat him at something? What the hell was the Senju bastard pulling off now?!
Hashirama was practically Madara's sibling in all but blood, that scumbag traitor! And Hikaru was his sibling by blood. So wasn't that like incest?
It was! It was betrayal of the highest degree!
Madara's Sharingan eyes narrowed as he fingered his gunbai.
His best friend was living on borrowed time.
It's not like it would be a shame to kill him, right? He'd be doing the world a favor. He'd even mourn Hashirama once the fucker was dead.
He'd been wanting a Mangekyou Sharingan for some time now, after all.
...
The epic tale of Uchiha Madara battling Senju Hashirama for his sister's virtue went down in history. It also served to embarrass the sister in question because the historic battle was used as a deterrent against amorous suitors in the future.
The battle was legendary. Madara summoned a perfect Susanoo, using it as the armor for the Kyuubi no Yoko who decided to fight for his side. For his part, Kurama wasn't coerced or hypnotized by the Sharingan at all; he just wanted to go against the tree-freak for shits and giggles. He had it coming anyway.
And besides, Kurama was fond of the green-eyed kit. In his opinion, if one cannot face the might of Kyuubi-sama, one cannot breathe the same air as his kit.
"Stand still, Hashirama! I promise it'll only hurt for a minute after I blow your fucking face off, traitor!"
"Yeah, what he said!"
Hashirama had been forced to defend himself, trying to fend off both his best friend and one very eager battle-happy bijuu. He struggled hard not to injure them because what would Hikaru say if Hashirama accidentally cut off Madara's arm or something?
The sheer destruction they caused created the Valley of the End.
It ended when Uchiha Hikaru, pissed and fed-up with all the destruction to nature (not to mention incredibly embarrassed), flung her hands and magically plucked the two fighting idiots from their high perches above, Madara from Kyuubi's head and Hashirama on top of his thousand wooden hands.
That was the moment Hashirama realized that his beloved had a temper to rival the explosiveness of a bijuudama and a shameless potty mouth to boot.
Hikaru proceeded to give them a loud, hysterical telling-off with an angry rant about the ecosystem and screams of, 'Kami, you morons just blasted off a fucking mountain! You made a whole new shitty valley! We should name it the Valley of Fucking Overreaction!'.
She yelled at them for hours, and the memory of Hikaru's fierce hysterics still made Madara flinch in remembrance and Hashirama to whittle down in silence to this day.
The Kyuubi got time off, facing the front of a mountain for a week.
...
Since Madara could not murder Hashirama and make it look like an accident anymore, he decided to point out flaws that would hopefully deter Hikaru from getting near the sister-stealing tree-bastard.
He was failing. Excessively.
"—and he had a bowl cut when he was younger! His bangs were hideous! And the way he dressed himself, kami you'd think he tailored it from his mother's drapes! Ridiculous!" Madara ranted, flaring his nose in rage.
Hikaru's green eyes laughed as she hugged her well-meaning brother. She had mellowed down after a few weeks of flaying the two alive with words. Now she just felt lenient. "No, you're ridiculous, nii-san. Hashirama already grew his hair, he doesn't have any bangs, he dresses like a Hokage and no, he doesn't tailor it from his mother's drapes."
"But—"
"No buts, nii-san." Hikaru said, patting her brother's shoulder. Madara shuddered at her sweet smile. "I'm happy, Madara-nii. I love Hashirama and he is courting me. Won't you be happy and give us your blessing?"
The 'or else' was silently implied.
Madara stared at his sister for a long time before spinning away and marching out of the Uchiha compound in a sulky sort of stiff rage. Hikaru just watched him go with amusement.
Madara roamed the village to steam off his anger and his feet eventually reached a dango stand. Deciding that he'd might as well drown his sorrows in sake and manjuu buns, he flipped the stand covers open.
And was treated to the sight of Senju Tobirama pigging out on a plate of mochi.
For his part, Tobirama had sensed the murderous aura of the Uchiha head a mile away but didn't care one bit. His brother was being an extra pain in the arse lately after the Uchiha clan forbade him from seeing Hikaru. And so Tobirama had a fucking awful day today and anyone who wanted to drag him away from his mountain of comfort food was getting a suiton bullet between their forehead.
And so when Madara flipped the covers open and blinked at the sight of him wolfing down his fifth plate of sweets, Tobirama just gave him a bland look and went on chewing his mochi viciously, daring him to say something.
Dark eyes flickered to his face. "…you have anko sauce on your chin."
Slowly and with as much dignity as he could muster, Tobirama raised a tissue to his face.
They measured each other warily.
"Uchiha."
"Hn. Senju."
With that out of the way, Madara took the empty seat beside the white-haired Senju and ignored his affronted air, calling for a bottle of alcohol. The noise around the food stand did wonders to douse their temper.
Madara took a long drink of sake. Tobirama ate a ball of dango. Then…
"Hikaru threatened to leave the compound to elope."
"Huh. You have it easy Uchiha. Imagine living with a whining Hashirama. Permanently."
"Pining for my sister?"
"Unfortunately."
Madara took another sip of sake, cheeks ruddy. Tobirama lined up his wooden skewers next to his platter of sweet sauce.
The silence was nice. They could get used to this.
"I still hate your brother, Senju."
"Believe me, the sentiment is shared, Uchiha."
...
After threatening him within an inch of his life ('If you ever hurt her I'm going to skewer your ass with Susanoo's sword and roast you in a pit of hellfire you fucking hippy tree-hugger, best friend or no), Madara finally accepted Hashirama's relationship with Hikaru. And maybe someday he could think about it without having the urge to murder the sister-stealing idiot.
Someday.
One day.
Hopefully.
Most likely never though.
...
Madara's reaction on Hikaru's relationship with Hashirama had been predictable and explosive.
Izuna's reaction on the other hand, surprised everyone.
The younger Uchiha brother blinked after receiving the news and slowly shook his head like a confused dog shaking water out of its ears. Then he stared at Hikaru, who was the bearer of news, and calmly asked if he could see both her and Hashirama for tea.
Tea.
Hikaru had been unnerved. Izuna loathed propriety. Hearing the word 'tea' from her wild and rowdy brother was like hearing Madara say that he loved the Senju with all of his black and shriveled heart.
Hashirama agreed to meet Izuna, soothing Hikaru's worries with an embrace and a firm look. They entered the Uchiha estate together and sat down across Izuna, who had already been sipping a cup of tea before their arrival.
"Village clan charter states that upon entering a courtship, dignity and virtue must be intact until the day the courtship is fulfilled or broken." Izuna said mildly, breaking the silence and staring at Hashirama with hooded eyes. "You know what this means, don't you, Senju?"
Hashirama looked surprised but he nodded firmly. "Of course. I have not—"
He paused in realization, flushing deeply and looking slightly alarmed. Izuna smirked, Sharingan eyes flaring in sinister triumph.
Hashirama's breath caught sharply, a wave of panic gripping him. He turned to Hikaru. "We haven't—"
"We haven't." she said firmly, squeezing Hashirama's hand tight. "We haven't."
"Oh?" Izuna said sharply.
"Hashirama may have been… distracted during our private activities," Hikaru said, smirking at her brother's disgusted look. "But I think I'm aware enough of our actions that we haven't gone that far. Yet. Unless you count a bit of hand stuff—"
Both Hashirama and Izuna sputtered and reddened, glaring at Hikaru to shut up. The green-eyed girl just giggled.
"Aw, fuck." Izuna muttered, slumping out of his dignified stance. "I thought Hashirama would've been enough of an idiot to go the whole way already. Would've gave you no choice but to break up."
"If Hashirama had defiled me as you thought he did—not that I'd protest if he did—" Hikaru said, ignoring Hashirama's whimper. "I could have demanded him to take responsibility and we would be together anyway. Lose-lose, nii-san."
Izuna grumbled mutinously and flung his teacup away, slamming a jar of sake on the table instead. "This was a waste of time then. I heard about Hashi-bastard and nii-sama flattening a fucking mountain, although I didn't know what you two were raging about this time. Figures, though. Nii-sama has a giant brother complex."
He caught Hikaru's surprised look and smirked. "I'm not that deaf, Hikaru-chan. In denial maybe—because kami, imouto, you have such fucking weird taste in men—"
A cloud of depression hung around Hashirama.
"—but I've heard rumors around the village. I would've tried to stop you and complained about it like nii-sama, but you know yourself enough to see what makes you happy. You've always been the most self-aware of the three of us. You know what you want." Izuna said. Then he shrugged. "Besides, I know nii-sama already wailed on Hashi-bastard's ass to last him a century, so I think I'll give you some slack."
He tipped the sake jar at Hashirama in a mockery of a toast and chugged its contents down. Hikaru laughed while Hashirama looked on with awkward exasperation.
And they say the Senju were weird…
...
Hashirama wasted no time to offer a formal betrothal and Hikaru accepted with a wide and tearful smile. Both Izuna and Madara already gave their (grudging) blessing, Tobirama could care less, and now all that was left was to make it official.
But their clan elders disagreed.
To the surprise of many, the Senju and Uchiha elders joined forces to nag Hashirama on how he had handled his relationship with Hikaru.
"—utterly shameful, Hashirama-sama. Even if they are the Uchiha, she deserves the courtesy as she is the clan head's sister! There are traditions for this. If Butsuma-sama were alive—"
"—and there is the matter of her dowry—"
"—not that the Senju clan would claim reparations. We apologize for how our clan head handled this—"
"They don't have any problem with us, right? Why are they still arguing?" Hikaru said in confusion as they watched old men bicker.
"Because I didn't ask permission from your clan to court you before we got together." Hashirama said, giving her a tired smile. "And now I'm asking for your hand in marriage without going through the traditional courtship they wanted."
"I see." Hikaru blinked, staring at the elders. "So they don't disapprove of me then? They're just upset that we didn't go through what they believe is the proper way of courting."
"Yes. Ideally, our relationship wouldn't be this scrutinized but you are the clan head's sister and I am the head of the Senju." Hashirama pressed a kiss on her fingers. "I apologize. Both for denying you a proper courtship and for the headache the elders are giving you."
"You don't have to apologize for anything, Hashirama." Hikaru said. "I know clan traditions just as well as you do. I liked how you courted me just fine. We don't need to have it formally."
Hashirama smiled in relief and Hikaru leaned on his shoulder with a sigh.
"This is sad." A voice behind them piped up. "So very sad. We can topple mountains and create elemental disasters and summon mythical beasts—"
"Izuna-nii."
"—but we're still being pushed around by a few decaying old farts." Izuna finished, squeezing in between Hashirama and Hikaru, much to their disgruntlement.
"At least our clan elders are getting along now." Touka said in greeting, a smirk on her face. "If only to scold Hashirama."
"I bet some of our elders are having their souls soothed after getting the chance to yell at the Senju clan head." Izuna grinned with relish. "Their last retribution before they croak."
"But my ears are bleeding." Hashirama grumbled. "And there's just so many versions of the words 'disgraceful behavior' until it gets old."
"Take it like a man, brother." Tobirama said flatly, somehow freeing himself from the elders' discussion and joining them. "Just as you took the Uchiha princess in a relationship without informing the elders."
"It was completely mutual, I assure you." Hikaru said to Tobirama, sharing a smile with him.
"Well, there's that at least."
Hashirama blinked. The odd camaraderie between his brother and betrothed still befuddled him to this day.
"We should get Madara-nii in here." Hikaru said, green eyes roving on the arguing seniors. "One look from him would shut them all up."
Everyone was amused at that.
"Pah. Old people. They're just bitter that they're not included in the news anymore." Touka scoffed. "When I get married, I'm having none of this drivel."
"Of course. Nobody can tell you what to do." Izuna soothed, patting her arm tentatively.
Touka looked strangely pleased at that, and Hikaru laughed, so very pleased at how they all got along without anger of fear or the pride of their clans clouding their minds.
She was looking forward to the future.
...
A/N: Whew. Done. And congrats to Jimmythereptile for getting Madara's reaction right. I guess he's that predictable, huh? XD
I'll post the last chapter once I get the latest chapter of Towards the Sun out. Thanks to all the follows, faves, and reviews. You people fuel my imagination.
Read and review.
Memory out!
