Can't Get You Out of My Head
Both Iris and Joe didn't get much sleep that night. As amazing as it was to finally be back in their own beds—or any beds for that matter—they couldn't sleep knowing how badly Barry was struggling. They both couldn't get those images of him out their heads, of Barry restrained and helpless. He had looked so terrible—thin and bloodied from the experiments the scientists had done on him. The images haunted their dreams, causing both of them to wake up multiple times throughout the night.
By six in the morning, Joe and Iris were already on their way back to STAR Labs, anxious to see Barry again.
Felicity was rubbing her eyes when they both walked into the med bay. She and Cisco were the only ones in there. Barry was still laying in the bed where they had last seen him, and like the night before, he was still staring blankly at the ceiling.
"How's he doing?" Joe asked anxiously, not going too close to the bed.
"He hasn't slept much," Felicity told him tiredly, "He's been like this all night."
"Barry?" Joe said softly, slowly stepping closer to the bed.
Barry didn't flinch or react in the slightest. Joe looked at his arms and saw that Barry was still restrained. The cravats they had used to tie him down were now red, soaked through with blood from Barry's tugging and pulling.
Barry looked almost worse than Joe had remembered. His face and body were covered in bruises, all of different ages. Some were yellowing; others were still different shades of black and blue. At least they had now washed the blood off Barry, and he was covered up now with multiple blankets, so they couldn't see how badly his ribs were sticking out. With a sick feeling in his stomach, Joe also saw that Barry's fingernails had been pulled off on one of his hands. He repressed the urge to vomit at the sight of it.
On Barry's other arm, a large scar was visible on his inner forearm. It wasn't just a normal scar, though. It was a brand. The numbers 0227 had been permanently burnt into his skin. Joe felt himself be consumed with white hot rage when he looked at it. They had branded his son like he was some kind of animal.
Iris turned to Cisco and Felicity.
"Where's Caitlin?" she asked.
"We insisted she go take a nap," Cisco answered, "She's still here, though. She didn't want to leave, just in case something happened. We've been watching over Barry for the last two hours, but he hasn't changed."
"He needs to sleep," Iris said worriedly.
"Caitlin thought about sedating him," Felicity told them, "But she was worried about all the other drugs that were in his system. She figured he's already had enough drugs injected into his body over the last nine weeks."
"Nine weeks?!" Joe ejected, his eyes widening, "Is that really how long we were gone?"
"Yes," Felicity nodded, "I'm so sorry. It took me so long to find you guys."
"Don't apologize, Felicity," Joe said quickly, "If it weren't for you, we would still be there."
Joe sighed and rubbed his eyes with his palms.
"It's just…nine weeks?!"
Felicity nodded sadly.
"That's a long time," she whispered, "For somebody to suffer through everything Barry has had to endure."
Iris felt a twisting sensation in her stomach when she realized Barry had only been visible to them for about three of those nine weeks. The other six…God knows what those people were doing to him for that entire time.
She approached Barry's bed to stand next to her dad. Barry was practically catatonic. His eyes were blank and hollow as he stared at nothing. His mind was just gone. Iris's own eyes filled with tears, seeing him so empty. Her Barry had to still be in there somewhere. He had to be.
She reached out and lightly touched his hand. Barry gasped and jumped so hard it scared her and caused her to take a step back. Barry finally looked at her then, terror filling his previously empty eyes.
"Barry, it's me," Iris said desperately.
She didn't reach for his hand again, knowing her touch was unwanted. Barry's eyes seemed to focus in and out on her. She stepped slightly closer to him so he could see her better.
Barry stared at her for a long time. Although still scared, his face started to take on a more confused expression as he looked at her. Suddenly, recognition dawned on his features.
"I-Iris?" he whispered weakly.
"It's me, Barry," she said, a small smile on her face despite the tears in her eyes, "It's Iris."
Barry's facial expression changed. For a moment, his fear had been gone. For just a fleeting moment, Barry had looked relieved. Now, his expression hardened, becoming blank again.
"This isn't real," he said flatly, his hopes vanishing.
He turned his head away from her then, his face crumpling.
"It is real, Barry," Iris said desperately, "It's me. I'm really here."
Tentatively, she reached for his hand again, but he pulled it away. At least, the best he could considering he was still restrained to the bed frame.
"Why are you doing this?!" he burst angrily, taking them by surprise, "Why are you tormenting me this way?! Why can't you just get out of my head?!"
"Barry, this is real," Iris told him, "This isn't in your head. I'm really here. You're safe now."
"This is cruel. It's sick, and it's cruel. Just get out of my head," he gritted, "Get out of my head."
Iris started to cry. Barry didn't believe her. She couldn't convince him that he was safe. He thought he was dreaming or hallucinating that she was there. He thought he was still there, on that table, about to endure another experiment.
"Barry," Joe said gently, leaning closer to him, "You're safe now. This is real. We were rescued last night, and you're safe now."
Barry looked at him, and after a moment his eyes widened as he finally allowed himself to consider the possibility that this was really happening.
"I'm safe?" he whispered softly.
"You're safe," Iris assured him, "No one is going to hurt you now."
She thought she saw tears well in Barry's eyes, but he didn't cry. He turned away from her, his eyebrows furrowed as he processed this information. Tentatively, he tugged on one of the restraints on his wrists.
"I need these off now," he said urgently, "Now!"
"Okay, Bar," Joe said quickly.
He looked at the others questioningly, but when no one objected, he untied one of the cravats, the one nearest to him. As soon as one of Barry's hands were free, Barry immediately used it to try to untie the other one. His fingers were sloppy and uncoordinated, though, as he worked on untying the restraint, and he started to breathe heavily in a panic when he struggled with the knot.
"Here, Barry, I've got it," Joe said, reaching across him to help him with the restraint.
Barry noticeably tensed up when Joe reached over him, but he didn't object. There was something about the way Barry was looking at him, though, that gave Joe a terrible feeling. Barry's eyes were filled with mistrust.
When both his hands were free, Barry started to breathe a little more calmly. He rubbed his sore wrists and bent his elbows over and over again, like it was the best feeling in the world.
Barry then tried to sit up to untie his legs, but Iris held a hand out to stop him.
"Let Cisco do it," she said softly to him, while Cisco moved to untie Barry's ankles.
"I need to sit up," Barry told her urgently, "Please, I can't lay like this a second longer. I need to sit up."
She nodded in understanding. Barry had spent nine long weeks lying flat on a table, unable to bend his arms and legs. Once his ankles were freed, they wasted no time helping Barry scoot up in bed to rest his back against the headboard. He drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms protectively around them, resting his forehead on top of them as he reveled in the glorious change of position.
Barry sat this way for a long time, with his head down so they couldn't see his face. No one spoke or made any move to touch him. They just stood there silently, letting Barry adjust. When Barry heard Iris finally take a step towards him, his head snapped up, and he eyed her suspiciously. Iris froze. She had never seen that look on his face before, a look of pure mistrust. She didn't move any closer.
"Can I get you anything, Barry?" she asked him gently, "What do you need?"
"Water," Barry answered immediately, "I need water."
Barry was still extremely dehydrated, even though Caitlin had started him on an IV.
"I'll get it," Felicity said, exiting the room right away.
She returned a moment later holding a bottle of water and a small cup. She filled the cup only half way.
"Let's take it slow," she said gently, "We don't want you to make yourself sick."
When she held the water out to Barry, he snatched it from her instantly as if he had been expecting her to pull it away before he could take it. As if still expecting someone to take it away from him, Barry turned slightly and held the water as far from them as possible as he drank it. He drained the cup within seconds. He spilled quite a bit of it with his shaky hands and quick movements, but he didn't care. He was already handing the cup back to her.
"More," he demanded.
"Just one more, okay Barry?" Felicity said tentatively.
He stared a hole through her, waiting for her to fill the cup, which she then did as fast as she could. He was more careful not to spill it this time, making sure he drank every last drop. When he shakily held the cup of water to his lips, Iris noticed he was still missing part of his ring finger on his left hand. It hadn't grown back. Iris felt sick just looking at it.
When Barry held the empty cup out to Felicity again, she took it from him cautiously.
"More," he said to her, his voice hard and demanding.
He wasn't asking; he was telling her.
"You should wait a little bit, Barry," Felicity told him gently, "Your stomach isn't used to it now. You could end up making yourself sick."
"Felicity," he said, "I need more. Now."
"I'm sorry, Barry," she said brokenly.
She truly was.
For a moment, Barry looked like he was going to explode, but then suddenly, his face fell. He sighed and looked away from them, defeated.
"Barry…?" Iris said softly.
Barry didn't respond as he continued to look away from them. He curled up tighter into himself, taking deep breaths. None of them could imagine what this felt like for him—how many emotions he had battling within him. Barry's head snapped up when Caitlin entered the room.
"Why didn't anyone come get me?!" she asked angrily upon seeing Barry sitting up in bed.
"We didn't want to wake you," Felicity told her.
"You should have come to me right away," she argued, moving closer to Barry's bed.
Barry gasped within Caitlin taking only a few steps towards him. He scrambled away from her as far as he could, nearly falling out of bed. Caitlin paused where she stood, putting her hands up for Barry to see.
"It's okay, Barry. It's just me," she said softly.
Barry's breathing was ragged as stared at her in fear.
"Caitlin," Joe whispered to her, "Your coat."
Caitlin looked down at the white doctor's coat she was wearing. It looked just like the lab coats the scientists wore at the facility where Barry had been kept. Realizing her mistake, Caitlin quickly tore the coat off, and threw it in the corner of the room.
"I'm sorry, Barry," she said quickly, "I wasn't thinking."
Barry seemed to relax slightly, but he was still tense as he stared at her.
"You were hurting me," he said whispered brokenly to her, "You…you were breaking my bones."
"I know, Barry," she said remorsefully, "I had to rebreak them so that I could set them right. I didn't want to hurt you. I was trying to help you."
Barry continued to stare suspiciously at her. He looked so hurt by what she had done, and it killed Caitlin to have him looking at her this way. Barry had always had complete trust in her, and now she had lost that trust.
Barry wouldn't let Caitlin look him over. She couldn't even get a set of vital signs from him. She agreed not to touch him as long as he at least kept the heart monitor wires attached to his chest. That way, she at least had a heart rate and EKG to look at for him.
"Barry, I could really use a blood pressure, too," she said timidly.
"No," he said immediately, shaking his head.
"What if I gave the cuff to you, and you put it on your own arm?" she suggested, "It's digital, so I won't have to touch you to get a reading."
He considered this for a moment before nodding hesitantly. Carefully, Caitlin slowly held the blood pressure cuff out to Barry, taking care not to scare him by moving too quickly. He took it from her, and she backed away immediately. Every time she got near his bed, Caitlin could see Barry's heartrate quicken on the monitor.
He wrapped the cuff carefully around his arm and pressed the button. He didn't look at the number on the screen, though. Instead, he watched all of them vigilantly, calculating their every movement. They were all aware of how on edge Barry was, so none of them stood too close to the bed or made any quick, sudden movements.
When the blood pressure monitor beeped, Barry tore it off his arm and tossed it to Caitlin quickly so she wouldn't have to come near him to grab it.
"Are you hungry, Barry?" Caitlin asked kindly.
She immediately felt very stupid for asking him this. Of course he was hungry! He looked like a skeleton with how thin he had become. His collar bones, chest bones, and ribs all protruded out in the worst way, and his limbs were reduced to twigs. Caitlin would probably have been able to wrap her tiny hands all the way around Barry's thigh if she tried, and the sweatpants he was wearing were way too large on him. All his muscles had atrophied, leaving him looking like a skeleton.
Barry's eyes were dark as he nodded at her in reply. Caitlin promptly exited the room to get something for Barry to eat.
The room fell silent after her departure. Barry continued to watch them all wearily, as if he expected one of them to attack him at any moment. Felicity coughed, clearing a tickle in her throat, and Barry jumped a mile.
"Sorry, Barry," she said hurriedly.
"It's fine," he muttered, embarrassed by how easily he startled, "I'm just having trouble…"
They all waited for him to continue, but he struggled to find the words.
"Trouble what, Barry?" Cisco asked.
Barry looked at him with weary eyes.
"Trouble adjusting to this," he said, "It still doesn't feel real to me."
"It is real, Bar," Joe assured him, "You're safe now. It's over."
"It doesn't feel like it's over," Barry muttered.
As many times as they had told him he was safe, Barry couldn't bring himself to believe it. He still felt as if something terrible was about to happen to him. He still half expected to wake up to find that this had all been a dream. He couldn't allow himself to feel relieved because a part of him was still bracing himself for the next experiment.
He was distracted from his thoughts by the reappearance of Caitlin.
"Here, Barry," she said, holding out a small bowl of some sort of gray paste, "I know it's not very appetizing, but it should be really—"
Barry immediately snatched the bowl from her hands.
"—good for you," she finished, watching him with a pitying look on her face.
Barry had a hard time holding the spoon, taking it up awkwardly with his stiff fingers. He ate rapidly, as if he couldn't get the food into his body fast enough.
"Slowly, Barry," Caitlin coached him, "You need to eat it slowly."
Barry ignored her, though, finishing the small bowl of food within minutes.
"May I have some more, please?" he asked her desperately.
Caitlin sighed.
"I'm sorry. Not right away, Barry. It's not good for you to have too much too soon."
Barry sighed, having already anticipated her response. Caitlin looked up at Barry's heart monitor, and sure enough, his heartrate was already starting to increase exponentially—an early sign of refeeding syndrome. The shaking in Barry's hands seemed to get slightly worse.
"You should lay back, Barry," Caitlin told him worriedly, "You need to let your body adjust."
Barry reluctantly laid back against the pillows, but his anxiety seemed to worsen with the position.
"I can't do this," he said, sitting up again, "I can't lay flat like this."
"Here," Caitlin said understandingly.
She raised the head of the bed into a semi-sitting position. Barry laid back gratefully.
"Thank you," he muttered.
Caitlin eyed him nervously.
"What?" he whispered.
"Barry, I really need to look you over. I need to see that everything is healing correctly."
"It is," he clipped.
"I still need to check, Barry," she said nervously.
"No," he persisted, his eyes darkening.
"I'll make it quick," Caitlin assured him, "I won't touch you any more than I have to, okay?"
Barry looked like he was going to cry. Caitlin took a careful step closer to the bed. In one painfully slow movement, she reached toward one of the bandages on Barry's torso. Barry started shaking violently and looked like he was fighting the urge to either slide away from her or hit her.
Everyone in the room held their breath as Caitlin carefully pealed back the bandage to check the incision.
"Deep breaths, Barry," she told him, as she moved to the next one.
Barry looked like he was going to be sick.
"Stop," he demanded when she reached the third bandage.
Caitlin froze.
"I can't," he choked, "I—I need you to stop."
Caitlin pulled her hand away but still stood close to the bed. Barry had tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said brokenly, "It's just the touching. It's like their hands…they never stopped touching me…when I was there."
"I understand, Barry," she said soothingly, "I won't touch you again until you're ready."
After several moments had passed, Barry took a deep, shuttering breath, and then finally nodded for her to continue.
Caitlin had to stop two more times for Barry, but she managed to get through almost all his wounds. When she reached for the bandage over the center of his chest, however, it became too much for Barry.
Without any warning, his hand snapped up and grabbed her wrist, squeezing it painfully. Caitlin gasped in shock and tried to pull away. Joe rushed forward to help her, grabbing onto Barry's arm.
"Barry!" he shouted in alarm, "Let go! Let her go!"
Barry didn't even seem to hear him. He squeezed Caitlin's wrist harder, causing Caitlin to yell out in pain. Barry's face was contorted with purest loathing as he tenaciously maintained his grip.
"Barry! Barry, you need to let go!" Joe yelled, prying at Barry's fingers.
Barry made a sound halfway between a yell and a growl as he gripped Caitlin's wrist. His eyes were filled with adrenaline. To him, this was life and death. To the rest of them, Barry looked utterly insane. He gripped Caitlin's arm as hard as he could, and she cried out again.
Her second cry seemed to finally snap him out of it. Barry's eyes widened, and he released her with a gasp.
Caitlin scrambled away from him, backing up quickly into Cisco, who steadied her.
"Are you okay?" Cisco asked her.
"I'm fine," she breathed, gripping her injured wrist with her other hand.
She had tears in her eyes.
"Caitlin!" Barry cried, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay, Barry," she assured him quickly through her tears, "I know you didn't mean to."
"I don't know what happened," Barry sobbed, tears welling in his own eyes, "I couldn't stop myself."
"Barry, it's alright," she assured, "I understand."
"I couldn't control myself," he said brokenly, "It just came over me, and I couldn't stop it. I thought…I thought you were…"
"I'm fine, Barry," Caitlin reassured him, "It's okay."
Caitlin's wrist was only minorly injured. All she had to do was wrap it up—an easy fix. What was much harder was the task of calming Barry down. He felt terrible for what he had done to her. No matter how many times they reassured him, Barry couldn't forgive himself for hurting her.
Caitlin knew Barry hadn't meant to hurt her. In that moment, he had thought he was protecting himself. After it happened, though, she was much more cautious around him. She felt guilty because a part of her was afraid of him now. She knew Barry would never hurt her, but right now, he wasn't Barry exactly. He wasn't himself right now, and they all had to be careful around him for their own safety, as well as his.
After that, Barry was never left in the room by himself. At the same time, however, no one person was ever allowed to be in the room alone with him either. He was too unpredictable, and they were always sure to have at least two people with him at all times.
Eventually, Barry's exhaustion won over, and he was able to fall asleep, but like before, he woke easily. Even when they were completely silent, Barry would wake up often. No matter what they did to try to calm him, Barry was a tightly woven bundle of nerves. Every sound scared him. Every movement they made had him suspicious. He couldn't calm down no matter what they did. If he continued to go on this way, Caitlin was worried they might have to sedate him. For now, she just hoped it wouldn't come to that.
Caitlin fumbled nervously with her clipboard as she waited on pins and needles for the pipeline doors to open. Her expression darkened when Dr. Holland's face came into view.
"You said you wanted to help Barry," Caitlin said stiffly to her, "I found a way you can do that."
Caitlin walked into the cell in which they were keeping Dr. Holland, without Barry's knowledge of course. They thought it best not to tell him they were keeping her here.
The other woman looked curiously at Caitlin. Caitlin handed her the stack of files in her hands.
"I want you to walk me through all of these," she said in a hard voice, "Explain every test, every procedure. I want to know everything you did to Barry."
Dr. Holland looked through the papers. It was the same stack of papers she had grabbed from the lab when they were making their escape.
"Did you watch the videos?" Dr. Holland whispered.
"What videos?" Caitlin asked seriously.
"The jump drives," Dr. Holland said, "They were on the jump drives."
"I haven't looked at them yet," Caitlin told her, "You…you filmed it?"
Dr. Holland nodded.
"Mostly just the major procedures," she said, "…among other things. The general wanted us to keep a video record. Honestly, I think he just enjoyed watching them for himself. He truly is a sick man."
"Yet you worked for him," Caitlin snipped.
"I did," Dr. Holland said shamefully.
"So, I'm curious," Caitlin said coolly, "What made you suddenly grow a conscience?"
Dr. Holland looked down at the files Caitlin had handed her. There was a picture of Barry there, with 'Subject 0227' written just beneath it.
"He did," she said quietly, still not looking up at Caitlin.
"Who?" Caitlin asked, confused.
"Barry," Dr. Holland whispered.
Caitlin glared at her. For some reason, it angered her just to hear Barry's name on this woman's lips.
"How is he?" Dr. Holland asked her then.
Caitlin fumed.
"You have no right to ask me that question," she snapped, "You have no right to even talk about him."
Dr. Holland hung her head in shame. Caitlin spoke again after a moment, her voice unsteady.
"He's struggling," she said, her voice wavering, "He's starting to heal physically, but whatever you people did to him has left him completely shattered as a person. You've tortured him, starved him, and dehumanized him in every way. Barry is never going to be the same again after everything you've done to him."
Dr. Holland looked up at her, and Caitlin was shocked to see actually tears in the woman's eyes.
"I'm sorry," she choked brokenly, "I'm so sorry."
To Caitlin, the words were meaningless. No amount of apologizing could undo what this woman had done to her friend.
"Come with me," Caitlin said stiffly, "You're going to sit down in my office with me and go through all this information."
Dr. Holland nodded, ready to help in any way she could.
"Just make sure Barry doesn't see you," Caitlin muttered to her as they walked towards the elevator, "The last thing we need is to further traumatize him."
