Hating Twilight

(Mackenzie Brooks)

I tugged on the sides of the oversized maroon bathrobe that hung from my body, fighting off shivers. My grim face broke into a coughing fit, and I groaned once the heaving subsided. Sniffling, I grabbed a half empty box of tissues before flopping down in the dark blue recliner that sat in my living room. Though I wasn't one for pity parties, I was beginning to feel sorry for myself. It was day three of my lousy cold with no sign of reprieve. I moaned as I blew my nose; the once soft tissues felt like rough parchment against my raw, tender skin.

"Maybe if you stopped being such a stubborn ass and went to the doctor like I told you to, you wouldn't be in such a state!" my sister Dani scolded. She set a piping hot cup of tea on the end table next to my chair.

"What would I do without my overbearing, excuse me, doting sister?" I teased, though I was grateful for her company. It was nice having someone to care for me while I battled the seasonal flu. I gripped onto the oversized mug, feeling its warmth against my cold palms. Bringing the cup up to my face, I breathed in the calming steam, barely able to smell the sweet aroma of orange and jasmine.

"You just better not get me sick. Getting whatever you have isn't exactly the best way to repay my kindness!" Dani spat, taking a seat on the far side of the couch. She flicked on the television and began mindlessly cycling through the channels.

"I just wish I could sleep, like really sleep, you know?" I whined, taking a sip of hot tea. "I've been in and out, but I can't seem to completely pass out."

"Maybe you should get drunk? That's always worked before." She stuck her tongue out at me and winked mischievously.

Dani continued to flip through the channels before settling on E! News. One thing I knew about my sister, she was absolutely hooked on celebrity gossip. I didn't understand what sort of entertainment she got out of following Perez Hilton or reading the crap magazines in the supermarket check-out lane. It was especially comical that she was picky about where she received her bullshit news. She would never stoop so low as watching TMZ or reading US Weekly. She preferred much more reliable sources such as People, which she insisted was not a tabloid. Personally, I thought she chose this gossip rag over others solely because of the crossword puzzle. Regardless, it was all the same to me—bullshit. I could give a rat's ass about who was dating who and, consequently, who was cheating on whom. Nor did I care about what celebrities looked like without make-up or who had Cellulite.

I grimaced as I looked on at the television. I truly couldn't stand Ryan Seacrest. He looked like such a smarmy bastard on his way to becoming the next Chuck Woolery has-been. However, Dani's generosity in taking care of my sick ass caused me to keep my grumblings to myself.

Glancing over at my sister, I noticed a glossy look spread over her face; she was truly mesmerized by this crap. Her eyes immediately widened when footage of two particular celebrities ran across the screen. Looking back at the TV I recognized the male celebrity at once as the guy who I thought was in desperate need of a bath and some new clothes. He was holding hands with one of his costars, a chick that looked like she would eat him alive though she claimed to be shy and awkward. To be fair, I knew their names, it was impossible not to. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were everywhere.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I hated Twilight with a passion, along with everything in its relation. Sadly, my sister had fallen into the Twi-cult, never to resurface. Months before the release of the first Twilight film, one of my co-workers had been all up in arms about the book series. Soon, everyone in my office had become addicted to the novels and were pining over the release of the movie. Wanting to stay in the loop, I borrowed my sister's copies. It didn't take me long to read them. The writing was fairly juvenile, nowhere near the complex stories with carefully crafted prose and profound passages that I preferred reading. I couldn't be too harsh though, the series was intended for young adults after all. The whole concept was just not my thing.

Dani and I had had the "Twi-Fight" too many times to count. She longed for me to slip into its so-called romantic themes and fall in love with vampires and werewolves. That was definitely not going to happen. I found The Twilight Saga to be completely ridiculous. To be fair, I didn't actually read the entire thing word for word; I mostly skimmed it, skipping New Moon completely. I caught the gist on Wikipedia and didn't feel like I missed much—more terrible teenage angst, the beginning of a trivial love triangle, and the depressing musings of the "heroine" who I found to be a horrible role model for young girls.

Honestly, throughout the entire series it seemed "Bella" had a very low opinion of herself. Her self-esteem only shifted when an impossibly perfect yet crazy stalker vampire, showed interest in her. Even then, she was miserable when she talked about herself. And Edward Cullen, ugh, I couldn't believe the world's infatuation with the creep. He'd been sneaking into Bella's bedroom for months and when she discovered this detail, she just giggled and said "okay." In what world would that be okay? Regardless, I didn't understand what someone like him would see in someone like her. I know, I know, it's 'cause she smelled good or whatever. Still, the whole thing was just plain silly.

I'd had no intention on seeing the movie, but Dani dragged me to it, having an extra ticket she didn't want to go to waste. Twilight was one of the most hilarious movies I'd ever seen, albeit unintentional. The story line was trite, much like the books, and the acting just the same. I found the entire thing to be completely unbelievable and had no problem voicing my minority opinion.

"It's about vampires and werewolves, Kenzie. It's not supposed to be believable!" Dani defended.

"Oh, I could get on board with the vampire thing," I chuckled.

"Then what's so 'unbelievable?'" she scoffed angrily.

"Um, did you actually see the people at that high school?" I asked. My sister looked at me quizzically. "This movie is supposed to take place at Boondock High in Nowhere, Washington, damn near Canada, right?" Dani opened her mouth to correct me with the proper names but decided to just nod instead. "How the hell is there that much diversity in a small ass town? Seriously, if I paused at any given school scene, I could practically count all the different ethnicities represented. I'm no expert, but I'm willing to bet that the U.S. Census didn't register that many Asians in that one town!"

That had been just one snippet in a series of arguments related to Twilight. I hadn't bothered to see New Moon or Eclipse, and my sister hadn't asked me to go with her. Along with everyone else, I couldn't wait for the theater release of Breaking Dawn. After that, maybe life would return to normal and the Twilight craze would die off. I knew that it would only be replaced by another sensation, prompting a new pair of young, rich, flawless actors to the forefront.

I scowled as I looked at Kristen Stewart, wishing I had her clear skin or her money to buy the pharmaceutical miracle that manufactured it. Yes, I was proud, and yes, I was envious; who wouldn't be? I was a twenty-four year old college student, living off of a measly graduate assistant salary, praying to God I could find a job post-graduation in a dismal economy. Robert Pattinson looked too drunk to spell his own name; too bad he hadn't chosen "Bob" as a nickname. Yet, there he stood in a designer suit, while my $100 polyester blend ensemble that I purchased on sale at JC Penny's hung in my closet, waiting to be worn for the first time. Life wasn't fair.

"Can we please turn this shit off?" I whined.

"God, Mackenzie, you're such a kill joy. Can't you appreciate art when it's staring you in the face?" Dani bit back, clutching the remote to her side for safe keeping, as if my sick ass would get up and try to take it from her.

"Rob what's-his-face? Seriously, Dani? I thought you had better taste than that!" I jabbed, repulsed by the thought of finding Robert Pattinson sexy.

"Whatever, Kenzie. Look, I'm not Robsessed or anything; I simply find Robward dreamy," she stated defiantly.

"Robsessed? Robward? Are you speaking English?" I questioned, feeling lost by her tabloid-lingo.

"What's your issue with RPattz, anyway?" she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Issue, more like issues," I replied. "For one, he's a total mouth-breather."

"Um, don't we all breathe from our mouths?" Dani asked, annoyed.

"Um, yeah," I mocked. "But we also have this thing called a nose and unless one is sick, like me, normally one can manage to use that part of the body to intake and expel oxygen. RPattz, being the genius he is, can't seem to figure that one out. His mouth is always open, making him appear quite dumb, which might not be short of the truth anyway."

"I don't know why you hate him so much! Only you would find such a fault, but only on him," she accused.

"Oh no, Megan Fox is a mouth-breather too. Although I think she keeps her mouth open and on display in hopes that someone will fill it. I foresee a highly lucrative porn career in her future." I laughed to myself but noticed my sister's cheeks growing hot and knew I'd gone too far; she loved Megan Fox.

"You know what, Mackenzie? You pretty much suck!" Dani fumed, clicking off the television.

"Dani!" I pleaded. "I'm sorry. It's the drugs, they're making me cranky and bitter." I put on my best apologetic face, hoping she would forgive me.

"Fine, but we're done talking about Twilight!" Dani declared.

"It's about time," I said before I could stop myself. "I mean, yeah, okay."

"You sit over there, so high and mighty, despite your disgusting cold, which is freaking gross, by the way, and you are so quick to pass judgment. I've heard you bitch all about Bella and what an immature child she is, but you're no better," she yelled bitterly.

"Dani—" I tried to interject, but was cut off.

"You know, you could use a little Edward Cullen in your life! You probably think you're too good for someone like that though. Well, I've got news for you; he's too good for you! As far as Rob Pattinson is concerned, I bet someone like him, famous or not, would never be attracted to someone as judgy and unappreciative as you. It's a damn good thing that Edward Cullen doesn't exist and that you'll never meet Rob Pattinson in person; you would certainly beat out any blissful happiness either might have!"

Dani finished her tirade and was off the couch before I could stop her. I was too weak to chase her through my apartment.

"I hope you feel better!"

With that, she slammed the front door, leaving me in my helpless misery.

I really am a heartless bitch. I frowned as my head began to throb. My sister would forgive me, but I knew I needed to do some major groveling once I was well.

Stupid, goddamn Edward Cullen and Rob Pattinson! I inwardly growled.

Dani was right about one thing, it was a good thing I would never meet either one. Though that was the deepest, darkest fantasy of many, for me, it would be a living hell.