Roxanne figures it out on Valentine's Day.
She's sitting alone in her apartment, watching Pride and Prejudice and definitely not feeling like she's been stood up because Megamind decided not to kidnap her for the requisite holiday plot.
And what is with the Valentine's Day scheme this year? Stealing all of the Valentine's Day merchandise in Metro City? That's not how Megamind normally does things at all. He's usually so enthusiastic about holidays (except Christmas; Megamind always gets a little—hard-edged around Christmas; Roxanne's always wondered why.)
This Valentine's Day plot feels sort of—bitter. To Roxanne. Cynical. It feels—it seems weird.
But then, he's been acting strange for months; since Halloween. Except—no, it had to have started before Halloween, because his Halloween Scheme had definitely not been up to his usual standards. Maybe he just hadn't time to come up with anything really impressive, what with the whole thing with Psycho Delic.
Roxanne still has nightmares about that, about the sickly-sweet taste of the purple smoke, about the panic that followed, about someone taking hold of her arm and turning her around and about seeing—
—it was Megamind, standing there, Megamind, except—
—except he had been—
—he had been dead.
He had been dead, his head caved in on one side, bone showing white through the wound, black blood all down one side of his face, his eyes gone white and blurred and sightless and Roxanne had thought no and please no and she had screamed and screamed and—
And the next thing she knew, she was waking up in the hospital with he rest of the attack victims. They had all been disoriented; Roxanne had been frantic, trying to ask about Megamind, and a nurse had told her—
"There, there, you're safe. You don't need to worry about him now, dear."
—which had, doubtless, been a kindly meant bit of reassurance, but which had left Roxanne with the impression that Megamind really was dead.
When Wayne came to see her, Roxanne was crying so hard she could barely speak. Wayne had looked distinctly uncomfortable.
"Er," he said, "maybe I should come back later?"
Roxanne had wanted to hit him. How dare he act so—so unconcerned when Megamind was—when he was—
"I—need to—see him," Roxanne managed to sob out.
"Uh," Wayne said, "see who?"
"Megamind," Roxanne hissed, rage and grief warring in her.
Wayne had blinked at her.
"Why?" he asked, looking baffled, and then terrified at the subsequent expression on Roxanne's face. "I mean! It's just—it's—he's not in custody? We didn't catch him this time."
Roxanne had stared at him for several seconds.
"Didn't catch him," she repeated.
"Um, no," said Wayne. "Sorry?"
"Didn't—so he's—he's alive? Megamind's alive?"
Wayne nodded.
"He's all right?"
"He's all right," Wayne said, "I dunno about Psycho Delic, though. Megamind looked really mad, the last time I saw—"
Roxanne clutched at the scratchy hospital sheets. The IV needle in her arm itched and stung.
She burst into tears again.
Yes, the thing with Psycho Delic had been rough all around, which was why Roxanne was willing to let the fact that Megamind's Halloween kidnapping had just been a standard giant-robot-with-lasers-and-spikes plot slide without mockery. That, and the fact that she had been so damn relieved to see him. (Wayne had said he was all right, but Roxanne hadn't been able to shake that feeling of worry—)
"It appears," Megamind said, eyes focused on her face, narrowed slightly in concentration, "that you are—completely recovered from the—unfortunate incident last week."
"Yep," Roxanne grinned at him. "I'm just fine now."
"Good," Megamind said quietly, and then added, louder, "Today, after all, is that day that I finally defeat Metro Ma-hn! We certainly cannot have you at less than your best today, Miss—" His eyes flickered over her costume.
Roxanne felt herself blush. It was a very short skirt.
"—Commander Ritchi."
Roxanne bit her lip in a vain attempt to keep herself from grinning harder.
Of course he knew which rank her insignia was for. (At the office party, Hal had called her ensign and she'd nearly upended the punch bowl on him in outrage.)
Roxanne leaned back in the kidnapping chair and crossed one leg over the other. Megamind's eyes went wide (it really was a very short skirt indeed). She watched his expression with satisfaction.
"As a Starfleet officer representing the United Federation of Planets," Roxanne said, "I am prepared to accept your unconditional surrender."
Megamind's eyes snapped up to her face.
"My—" he laughed, and Roxanne saw the moment that he decided to play along. "Oh, very funny, Commander Ritchi! But we both know that under your Prime Directive, you are powerless to interfere in a conflict between alien species!"
"Irrelevant," Roxanne said briskly. "First contact has been established previously and you're obviously a warp-capable civilization. I'm acting under Directive 010 now. Before engaging alien species in battle—"
"—any and all attempts to make first contact and achieve nonmilitary resolution must be made," Megamind finished. "But I have no quarrel with you, Commander Ritchi, or with Starfleet. You aren't acting as a combatant, you're acting as a mediator. And according to Regulation 6.57—?" he trailed off expectantly, waiting for her to finish the sentence.
"At least two staff officers," Roxanne said unwillingly, "are to be present during any treaty or contract negotiations."
"And there's only one of you," Megamind said smugly. "Sorry, Commander Ritchi. Guess you'll be the one unconditionally surrendering."
"Never give up! Never surrender!" Roxanne declared grandly.
Megamind laughed, head tilting back, exposing the long, blue line of his throat.
"Galaxy Quest?" he asked, looking at her again, eyes dancing. "Skipping around a bit, aren't you?"
"Ooh, a purist," Roxanne said mockingly.
Megamind grinned.
"No," he said. "I sort of halfway count that one, too, actually." He tilted his head. "I quite like the uniform, you know. It's very—"
"Short?" Roxanne asked daringly.
"—accurate," Megamind said, the tips of his ears and lines of his cheekbones blushing lavender.
"How come you never—" Roxanne began, and then added, "I mean, every day is probably sort of like Halloween to you—"
She faltered momentarily. Megamind's expression—what the hell was that? He had—flinched. And then turned away from her to face the control panel.
"—what with the costumes and the capes," Roxanne finished uncertainly. "But I was. Just wondering why you never dress up for Halloween…"
She trailed off into uncomfortable silence again. Megamind still had his back to her, his shoulders up and in, as if in protection from a blow, and his hands were moving over the control panel with sharp, almost clumsy movements.
Megamind never moved like that. And he still hadn't answered her; what was—
"Sir!" Minion's voice squawked through the speaker on the control panel. "I'm still in the suit, what—"
It was at this point that Megamind (apparently accidentally—okay, what the hell was the matter with him—) turned off the robot suit.
"Shit," he had said flatly.
So that had been—really weird.
And then he hadn't shown up at all to kidnap her on Thanksgiving—he always kidnaps her on Thanksgiving! Roxanne had been forced to go with Wayne to his parents' house, which was a complete waste of the new dress she had bought.
He finally came and got her again in the beginning of December. That kidnapping had been strange, too. Something went wrong with the whatever machine it was he was planning on using (he never even got around to telling her what it was) and so the two of them played Clue instead while Minion tried to fix it.
That wasn't the strange part—or. Well. Roxanne supposes it probably is strange, the fact that sometimes when an evil plot falls through, she and Megamind play board games or cards or try to one-up each other with logic puzzles, riddles, and bad puns. But it never feels strange, while they're doing it.
It's only later, when Roxanne thinks back on how she made Megamind burst into laughter by coming up with twelve terrible puns about vegetables in a row, or how she rolled her eyes at his gloating when he captured her last knight, or how—it's only later that it ever occurs to her that these things should feel strange.
But this time was different. Megamind seemed—preoccupied. Unhappy. He was really quiet, didn't even fight over which one of them was going to play Miss Scarlett. And his Clue strategy was all over the place. Usually Megamind is good at Clue, but this time, Roxanne won every game and Megamind didn't complain or accuse her of cheating or anything. It was honestly a little unnerving.
The Christmas kidnapping was slightly more normal; the freeze ray (a good, winter-based plot) actually froze things and Megamind didn't accidentally power it down. But he was still quieter, more subdued than he ordinarily was, even around Christmas, and when Roxanne, hung on the giant Christmas tree in front of City Hall, smirked at Megamind and said—
"You sure you want to be using that freeze ray? You look a little cold. I think your lips are turning blue."
—there was no snappy come-back-edging-into-a-come-on from Megamind. He just took a breath and turned away from her.
There was no kidnapping on New Years. Wayne invited her to his parents' usual party, but Roxanne pleaded a headache and stayed home. She sat out on her balcony alone, shivering in the cold and drinking cheap champagne out of a coffee mug, and wondered what the hell was up with Megamind.
When midnight rolled around, she was thinking about how he'd turned away from her when she said your lips are turning blue.
Roxanne, hearing the distant cheer go up from where people were gathered in front of City Hall, sighed and pressed her own lips against her coffee cup in a sad, lonely imitation of a new year's kiss.
And now it's Valentine's Day, and she's been left out of Megamind's plan again. Roxanne brings her feet up onto the couch and leans her chin on her knees, eyes on the television.
She is feeling vaguely sad, she tells herself firmly, merely because she is twenty-eight years old, sitting alone on her couch on Valentine's Day watching Pride and Prejudice alone. Not because the alien supervillain who kidnaps her regularly has failed to do so today, even though it's Valentine's Day.
God, is he getting tired of her or something?
Roxanne picks up the half-empty carton of ice cream she's been eating and takes a large, vicious bite.
Fine! That's fine! She is fine and this is fine and everything is fine!
Except the fact that she is alone and single on Valentine's Day! That part is not fine and she is allowed to feel that it is not fine.
Roxanne takes another bite of ice cream and watches the television.
Darcy is proposing to Elizabeth. It's the first proposal; the terrible one that's half-rant, half-insult, and all desperation.
This, Roxanne thinks as she continues to eat her ice cream, is probably the most romantic part of the movie: unpretty words spilling out into the air because he just can't take it any longer, less like a declaration of love and more like a declaration of war.
I want that, she thinks stirring her ice cream disconsolately, I want somebody to love me like that.
But she's never met anyone who feels that intensely about anything, let alone who feels that intensely about her, never met anyone brave and crazy and dramatic enough to just propose out of the blue, to tell her I love you; I've tried so hard not to, Roxanne, please—
She can't picture anyone she knows—
—well—
(Megamind.)
(Megamind would do it.)
That's—
Her mind offers the image instantly, Megamind stopping in the middle of an evil monologue with a noise of frustration I can't do this anymore, Megamind kneeling at her feet I love you; I've tried so hard not to, Roxanne, please and Megamind pulling her into his arms and Megamind—
—and Roxanne thinks–
(yes yes god yes)
And then, subsequently,
(oh. oh.)
and
(oh no)
Roxanne comes back to herself some minutes later to find that she's clutching her ice cream to her chest, pressed back into the couch, eyes wide, as she tries not to hyperventillate.
This is. This is bad. This is really bad.
She cannot. She cannot possibly be.
She cannot possibly be in love with a supervillain who kidnaps her all the time. That cannot be a thing that is.
Oh god.
She is.
She's in love with Megamind.
Megamind, who's getting tired of her, apparently, and oh, god, what is she going to do? What is she going to do about this?
She is not going to panic, she tells herself, clutching her ice cream as if it is the only thing left in the world that makes sense. She is not going to panic. She is not. going. to panic.
(she panics.)
By the time she's done panicking, the movie is almost over. Darcy is proposing to Elizabeth for the second time and Roxanne's ice cream is almost entirely melted and Roxanne has decided that clearly the only thing to be done is make sure Megamind doesn't get tired of her.
And. Well. There's one thing, isn't there, that Megamind is always asking of her.
So for the next kidnapping, Roxanne screams.
He hasn't turned the cameras on yet, thank god. Roxanne already feels like a complete idiot, screaming when the bag is pulled off of her head, and then Megamind—
Megamind, who is leaning over her, leaps back from Roxanne so fast he trips over his chair and lands flat on his back.
"Holy shit, are you all right?" Roxanne asks in concern.
Megamind makes a quiet noise of pain and then sits up abruptly, eyes blazing as he glares at her.
"Very. fucking. funny," he says, and shoves himself to his feet.
Roxanne actually startles back at the intensity of his expression.
"Sorry?" she says.
Megamind makes a derisive sound.
"I was just—I was just playing along!" Roxanne says defensively. "Jesus! Next time I won't bother."
"Playing along?" Megamind repeats, stalking towards her. "Playing. Along."
"Yeah," Roxanne snaps. "Like you're always wanting!"
"Miss Ritchi," Megamind growls, leaning over her, hooking one foot beneath a leg of her chair and yanking it off the ground.
The chair rocks back on two legs and begins to fall; Roxanne makes an involuntary noise of alarm—
(is he going to let her—)
He doesn't let her fall. He catches the back of the chair in one hand, holding it steady, bent over her, their faces close together.
"I'm not fucking playing," he snarls.
And Roxanne makes another involuntary noise, but this one certainly isn't one of alarm. Her eyes meet his, and then flick downwards, her gaze catching on his mouth before she tears it away, looking into his eyes again.
Her lips part and she sways forward and—
Megamind steps back abruptly, letting the chair slam back down on all four legs.
"I can't—you—I can't do this right now," Megamind says, and he doesn't sound angry anymore, he sounds—wounded, slightly lost, near to panic. "Not now. I can't. I–you—you need to leave."
"What—" Roxanne manages to get out, and then Megamind makes a sharp motion and Minion sprays her with the knockout spray.
So that's a spectacular fucking failure on every single goddamn count.
