Author's Note: Well, you guys wanted more, so here it is! I'll keep this short so you guys can just jump right in. I only have one thing to say: I implore you – please review. It puts a smile on my face when you do. Not to mention, motivates me. And when I'm motivated, you guys get more of the story! Every review is read and taken into account, so don't think they don't matter! Anyway, read on.
Chapter Two: Actions bring about Concern
Everything was hazy at first. Voices drifted to my ears, muffled as though my ears were stuffed with cotton. A spot at the end of my left eyebrow throbbed in sync with my heartbeat, along with the whole area below it. Whatever I was laying on definitely wasn't doing my body any justice, either; my back was cold and stiff and my head was pressing against something hard and flat, causing another source of uncomfortable and irritating pain to emerge. What the hell happened? I think to myself as I try to block out the pestering aches. I try and concentrate on the mumbling voices around me.
"… give him some room." A sharp voice commands.
"What's wrong with him?" Another asks.
"Did you see the look in his eyes?" A girl proclaims. I can feel the crowd of people around me. It sort of makes me feel uneasy. I imagine all of their eyes locked on me – I don't like it when people stare. It makes me feel weird.
"Where is that washcloth?" A deep voice inquires a few feet away. I almost couldn't tell whose it was, but after a few seconds I realize it belongs to Kyouya-senpai. Even though his voice seems a tad alarmed, he still manages to keep a cool head.
"Here!" Honey calls out. Everything is quiet, as if time is standing still. But then I can feel a warm, damp fabric being tenderly pressed against my eyebrow where it hurts the most. My reflexes cause me to flinch away, a soft sigh being heard afterwards. I crack my eyes open slowly and allow the split images to merge together in the middle and become one. The first person to come into focus is the one that sends memories of what had occurred to come crashing back into my brain. My eyes fly open out of shock and I'm about to speak when his soothing tone cuts me off.
"Shh," he hushes, "It's alright. You fell down and bonked your head." His face is serene and his smile is soft and reassuring. "You gave yourself a nice little cut, but I'm just going to clean it for you, okay?" I stare up at him, eyes still wide. When I don't make any protests he leans his hand towards my head again and repeats his previous actions, with me staying still.
Hikaru's movements are gentle, causing me to relax a bit. It reminds me of when we were little; we would play outside, or around the house, and when one of us would get hurt, the other would delicately tend to the others wound. Usually the injury only needed a Band-Aid and a kiss and we would be all patched up. But I doubt any of that would heal me now.
Those damn emotions start running through my head, again - loneliness, vacancy, and fright. And on top of all that, I feel angry. I'm angry. How can my brother continue to uphold this lie? How much longer does he expect to put on this charade? The way he's softly dabbing at my eyebrow and reassuring me with that pathetic smile is really getting on my nerves. I don't think I can bare to even look at him anymore!
At that moment, though, he pulls back his hand. "There you go." Hikaru coos and sits back on his heels. I finally notice the group of people watching. All of the girls who were attending the Host Club are gathered around us, forming a demented sort of circle. I eye them carefully, but only my other half understands what I'm trying to get across to the young ladies.
"Please, stand back." Hikaru urges over his shoulder.
"I think this concludes our Club for today," I hear Tamaki-senpai declare uneasily from behind the crowd, causing the girls to turn around and face him. Then, one by one, they begin to make their ways towards the double doors that lead to the hallway. I can hear Tamaki's ever-so polite farewells as the women exit Music Room #3 - and I'm sure their eyes hadn't left my form on the floor.
Soon, the door closes and all is silent. Awkwardly silent. Although, Hikaru is the first to speak, and I'm surprised by what he asks. "Do you feel well enough to stand, or do you want to rest for a little more?"
I expected him to start questioning me, demanding to know what happened and why I said what I said. But instead, he offers me a hand, waiting until I give consent for his help. And I'm still speechless, not to mention a bit embarrassed by my actions, so I do the only thing my brain allows me to do – I stretch my hand up and place it in my doppelganger's who happily accepts and carefully hauls me to my feet.
"I-Is Kao-chan alright?" Honey pipes up hesitantly, hugging Usa-chan, his pink bunny plushie, close to his chest. His facial expression is that of concern; peering up at me from under his eyelids and chewing on the tip of his thumb, making him appear as a frightened 8 year-old.
I take in a deep breath before I finally answer, "I-I'm alright." I note how shaky my voice sounds as well as hoarse. Was I really screaming that loud? Thinking about my actions from earlier causes my head to throb. I bring a hand up to my head where I can feel a sensitive cut at the end of my brow; gingerly I run a finger over the wound, feeling the crusty, dried blood around it.
"Don't touch it," Haruhi reprimands, "unless you want it to reopen."
Her voice is definitely something I do not want to hear right now, especially if it's to chastise me. I'm not the one who has done anything wrong, so why should I get in trouble? Perhaps it is another case of mistaken identity and Haruhi believes me to be Hikaru – after all, he is the traitor, not me. But, it's Haruhi and she can tell us apart as if we were two different species all together.
I hate that.
Just thinking about how she broke the walls down around mine and Hikaru's world sends my limbs trembling in anger. She is part of the reason I'm losing Hikaru. She is also to blame, not just the Host Club itself.
"Uh, Kaoru," my brother jumps in, removing my hand from my head and cutting off my train of thought, "I think we should go home now. You should rest."
"Yes, Kaoru, I think that would be wise." Kyouya speaks up as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I can't help but notice – you haven't been sleeping properly, have you?" Everyone in the Host Club turns and looks me up and down. I wince, trying to shirk away from their probing eyes. That damn staring – I can't stand it! "The dark circles under your eyes point towards your lack of rest," Kyouya-senpai continues, snapping me out of the trance the others had set upon me with their unmoving gazes, "your slouched posture also indicates your amount of fatigue, and the careless way you've been presenting yourself signals the absence of attention you usually pay towards your looks. To put it bluntly – you're a mess."
Kyouya-senpai's words stab me like a knife. I am not a mess! I am fine! I've made myself to look just like my brother, just like Hikaru! If I looked any different, he'd have told me… right? Hikaru would've let me know that something was amiss and I would've corrected the error. We're supposed to be the same! We're supposed to look like mirrored images. That's what we want… or is that only what I want now?
My eyes travel over to my twin who is now at my side. My eyes start to glisten, although I'm not sure why, and my breathing becomes uneven as the lump in my throat grows larger. Hikaru suddenly grabs my forearm and places a hand on my shoulder. "Come on, Kaoru," he softly calls and tugs on me. He still looks concerned, like earlier. The only thing I can think is, All of the girls have left, you don't have to put up an act any longer.
A single tear leaves my eye as I am lead out of Music Room #3; escorted by the one person I really wish wouldn't touch me right now.
ii
It's dark in this huge bedroom. I have been laying here in this bed since last night. Hikaru had been kind enough to allow me the absence of prying questions until after dinner, and even still until after we had finished our homework. In fact, we didn't speak much at all after arriving home. Our parents even commented on our lack of conversation at the dinner table, but it was Hikaru who had provided an excuse for me, saying that I wasn't feeling well – which also conveniently supplied a reason for my tiny portions of food. But then, when it was time for bed and I slipped under my covers and laid my head to rest, I felt the bed shift, the covers lift, and a warm figure curl up behind me.
It felt nice for a little while. It felt like the olden days; we would curl up close to one another and talk about anything and everything, ranging from the most ridiculous pranks to the more serious accounts of the future. And I'm sure Hikaru was reveling in the same memories as I was, that's why he was so quiet and content at first. Then Hikaru spoke up at last, his question coming out in a whisper as if he didn't want to ask it at all. "What happened today?"
That was it. I didn't want him in my bed anymore. For the first time in our whole lives, I didn't want the company of my older twin by my side.
The question hung in the air, refusing to go away. The more Hikaru's question went unanswered, the more the tension between us grew. I wasn't the one who was going to give in though. Why should I? I shouldn't have to explain myself to the person who was causing me pain. Hikaru should already know what he was doing to me.
My twin fell asleep while awaiting my reply. I could hear his soft but deep breaths and feel them lightly sweep across my bare back. And suddenly, my eyelids felt like they weighed a ton. I closed them for a moment, only to open them again and find the sun peeking out from behind the dark blue curtains.
Sleep always happened in either the blink of an eye or dragged on forever as I toss and turn at night, never peacefully. It didn't really matter which way it happened, I was still tired when the sun finally rose.
I sigh quietly as I remember that it's still a school day and roll over. But what I find makes me stop mid-turn. Hikaru's golden orbs lock with my own, his expression one of determination. I immediately turn back over, however my action was in vain.
"Kaoru." I hear my brother call sharply. I don't bother reacting to his words. That doesn't seem to stop him though. "What's going on?"
I know Hikaru's noticed. I was wondering when he'd finally speak up about it. My grades have been dropping because I usually refuse to do homework with him, I sleep in class, I don't eat much, I don't take care of my appearance as I should, and I've even begun to pull away from our act in the Host Club – leaving all the talking and actions up to him. I just nod and smile mostly. That's what he's best at, isn't it? He doesn't need me around, he can handle himself, it seems. I put my own personal wager on how long, if he even would, confront me about all of this.
It took him two weeks longer than I thought it would.
This time, Hikaru is awake and shows no signs of letting his question just drift off into the air like last night. I still continue to be silent. "Kaoru," Hikaru draws out in a tone much like a parent expecting an explanation from a 10 year-old – and it better be a good one.
"Nothing's wrong," I snap as I pull the covers up over my head, "Everything's fine."
"No. It's not." Hikaru snaps back, sitting up and turning his body towards me. "Now tell me why you've been acting so strange lately."
"It's like you said. I don't feel good." I reply unenthusiastically.
"Stop lying." Hikaru demands. He then begins to tug at the blanket I have securely locked down around my head. My grasp only tightens.
I don't want to see him right now, it'll only upset me to have to look my twin in the face and desperately wish we could go back to the way things were, before Haruhi, before the Host Club, even before Tamaki-senpai. I want to be sitting in on desk again, not torn apart by that girl. How could Hikaru not feel the same? It's driving me insane how much he doesn't care! Aren't we supposed to share the same thoughts? The same looks? The same heart?
I grip the blankets tighter as my brother pulls harder until we're both pulling and tugging with such force that the blanket might just tear in two.
And then, I just let it go.
I let the blanket go, knowing it would only suffice in throwing Hikaru over the edge of the bed. He tumbles backwards off the edge and lands with a loud thud, like someone dropping a bag of full of bricks.
I sit up in bed and look down to my twin on the floor. He sits up as well, clutching the back of his head, a pained expression smeared across his face. I don't know how to feel, and I certainly don't know how my face appears, but apparently it isn't one of remorse because as Hikaru glares up at me from the floor, he hisses, "Okay, fine, Kaoru. Sorry for trying to help! I won't bother you anymore – see if I care!" He then stands abruptly and stomps his way out of our room, slamming the door on his way out, most likely to use the hall bathroom instead of our private one.
I can only sit and stare at the door. This was the first time I had ever caused harm towards my brother, even if it was indirectly. I had let go, knowing that when he pulled back, he would fall, most likely getting some form of injury.
It's eerily quiet in our bedroom now. I don't like it. It makes me feel alone. It's just as bad as staring! I throw my hands up to my ears, trying to block out the silence.
And then I begin to laugh.
How absurd! Covering my ears to block out silence! I truly am a contradiction!
I suddenly jerk my head up, gazing towards the window with the curtain pulled over it. I scramble to my feet, almost tripping over the blankets that follow me off the bed and fall to the floor. When I'm standing in front of the window, I pull the dark blue curtain aside a bit, noting how the morning sun is shining a bright yellow-orange, signaling the start of a new day. I glance behind me and compare the beautiful light of the sun to the darkness of the bedroom. I laugh a little, looking back to the sun and muttering, "One fine day…" I close the curtain and stare around my darkened room, "In the middle of the night…" I shift my gaze to the door my doppelganger hand just storm out, "Two dead boys got up to fight."
I laugh a little more as I bring a hand up to the wound I received yesterday at school, my fingers itching to scrape and dig at the newly-formed scab. "We're full of contradictions." I giggle.
When I successfully tear the abrasion's covering off, I pull my fingers from my head and stare at the small amount of blood covering my fingertips. "We want to be told apart, we don't want to be told apart. We try to be exactly the same while trying to maintain separate personalities." I look to the private bathroom in our room. Without hesitation, I stroll into the room and flick the light on. I pull open one of the draws under the sink and start my search.
It doesn't take me long. I know exactly where it is. It's not like I haven't contemplated this act before – I placed this small purse-looking object in here for just an occasion. I quickly unzip the sides and observe the contents.
A portable manicure set. Obviously one of many that my mother has collected over the years. I found this particular one a few weeks ago sitting on top of the garbage. Apparently it was either too tacky looking for my mother's taste, or she simply didn't wish to have it in her possession any longer. The cover was a faded pink with little blue flowers going in rows across the entire thing. It looked like it belonged to a 7 year-old girl. No wonder it was in the trash. Oh well, I'll be happy to keep it.
The only thing I'm interested in is its contents. The little gold-painted contents. The little gold-painted scissors to be exact. Again, without hesitating, I remove the scissors from their little holding place and eye them happily. First, I place them around my fingers, as if I was really going to use them on my fingernails. Only, I didn't have any fingernails to cut – I chewed them all off days ago. I then do what I've wanted to experience for weeks now.
I close the scissors and contemplate on where to contradict myself. I glance down at my left hip. I pull the band of my boxers down a tad and roughly dig the tip of the scissors into my hipbone. "We want to be told apart, we don't want to be told apart. We might as well be Two Dead Boys." I softly say as I drag the scissor's sharp tip to the right, making a nice little line. Nothing happens at first, which makes me sigh out of annoyance. But then, red liquid quickly surfaces and begins to slowly leak down my skin. I smile contently at my spilling blood. It makes my head feel hazy, like I'm on cloud nine.
It seems I stood like that for a while. The only thing that pulls me out of my trance is the sound of our bedroom door opening and someone entering. I drop the scissors out of alarm and grab for the tissues on the stand by the sink, then proceed to dab at my wound. I hear a knock at the bathroom door, then a hesitation.
I know it's Hikaru before he even speaks. "Are you almost done? We're gonna be late for school…" he trails off.
"I just got out of the shower," I lie. "I'll be out in two minutes." I hear him walk away from the door as I place the scissors back in the pink, flowery case and slip it back into the drawers. It would be overlooked if Hikaru spotted it. There might as well be one of these in every drawer in the whole house. It's an everyday item.
"Are you feeling at least a little better?" I hear Hikaru call from our room. Huh, seems like he can still sense my mood changes.
"Yes, Hikaru," I call back with an exuberant smile, "I'm feeling much better now."
