Worry
He started this morning like every other, getting up, dressing, running downstairs to catch breakfast, then coming back up to organize things before the meeting with the commanding officers. He pulled out the calendar and marked off another day, it has been 360 days now. During this time, he spent at least 200 days away from home, campaigning; his room empty, naked without its resident. Once back, it always took him a few days to get acclimated, to get used to sleeping on a real bed, with a real blanket. He found small conveniences, such as ability to take a bath or having a roof and four walls to protect him from the elements, refreshing.
Am I getting old? Before I did not care. He chuckled to himself, That was before Imja, now I need to keep myself looking good and healthy. Most of all, he felt that being home meant he was ready for her to return. Whenever he was away, he was worried, what if she comes back and he was not there. What if he was injured or even worse, killed somewhere in a faraway place, while his woman was fighting with time and space to come back. He felt that staying put gave him the best chance to be ready for her arrival. Still the King had plans and those plans involved him. He was keeping up good spirits, but today was one of those days, when he needed a friend.
The King was in his office as usual; he was surprised to hear the announcement of the General's arrival. "Please, come in. Anything urgent?"
"No, Cho-na. Just wanted to say hello."
"Really?" King's brows went up in surprise. "The mighty General who never has any spare time, just came to say hello. All right, I will play along. Do Chi, you may leave us." The king put away his brush and came out from the table. "Let's seat comfortably."
"How is Her Majesty? I have not seen her lately. Has she been well?"
"She is well, thank you. Would you like some tea?"
"Yes, please. Let me pour for Your Majesty."
"No you are my guest. You came to visit me, the least I can do is to show some hospitality."
Choi Young began to regret this spur-of-the-moment idea. He had nothing to talk about, although he wanted to talk about everything; he realized that hanging out with the king was not the brightest plan he came up with.
"The weather has been good," was the only thing that came out of his mouth.
"Choi Young, you are not good with small talk. Come out with it. Is there something bothering you?"
"Not in particular, Your Majesty. I just wanted to see you for a bit."
The King was more perceptive than he sometimes let on. He could read the General's face well: misery was written all over it. He gently broached the conversation, "You must be tired from all the campaigning. I was thinking of giving you a break. The army also needs to replenish supplies and soldiers deserve holiday to visit families. Is there anyone or anywhere you would want to visit?"
Choi Young perked up, "I would like to take a week off, if you do not mind."
"Yes, it is difficult, waiting… How do you do it?" the invitation to share on a personal level was extended.
This simple phrase gave Choi Young much needed empathy and the open - ended question allowed him to speak up with ease. The King certainly has become skilled in the friendship arena.
"I am not doing so well… " he started in his poised earnest tone, rendering the listener immediately engaged. "To tell you honestly, I'm never completely all right. Remember, the prince of Court Ki Chul talked about a hole in his heart he can never fill? I understand what it is like to have something missing from the core of your heart. It's not like I have a hole, it is more like I have a reserved space that is waiting for its rightful owner. I sometimes wake up at night because my heart is aching, calling out for her…"
"I'm so sorry. I would offer consolation, but I know there is nothing I can do. There is only one doctor who can heal your pain."
Although he would not say it, Choi Young thought to himself, Only one person can soothe my pained heart. How crazy is that? That out of all the doctors in the world, she is the only one not available.
The two men sat without talking, sipping tea. Being quiet with someone who could understand one's turmoil was a precious luxury. The King created for him a space where it was safe to be oneself, poignantly called 'holding silence'. The general did not have to prove himself or tighten his emotions under the belt; he did not have to appear strong and decisive like in front of his troops. He could just sit and think, the bitter taste of tea an appropriate companion to the bitterness that was always there even on the best of the days. He savored it. He wanted to feel that bitterness to motivate him, to raise him up and hold him steady in this limbo of waiting…
Too often lately, just like earlier in the morning, the same persistent concern occurred to Choi Young: ever since Eun Soo was not around he found himself more careful with his body. As a warrior no matter how much he tried to stay alert, unpredictable situations could happen. He could never be sure that he would return safe and sound.
"Cho-na," he broke the silence, "I promised her I would stay safe."
This was not the first time the King was faced with this dilemma about the General: the man versus the warrior. Only now after the High Doctor's departure, the King gave his word to be a friend and to help the General with whatever he needed. He knew all too well about love, loss, and helplessness. He also knew that for Choi Young being a warrior was an inseparable part of his identity as a man. There was no way to draw a neat line in the middle and split him in half.
"I would like for you to take over some of the administrative duties. You can oversee the main movement of the forces, training and promotion. You can also handpick those who will be on the ground and you do not need to go to the frontlines. This is all I can do. You expertise is indispensable. Men trust you unconditionally and everybody in the country respects you. Even in the remote mountain villages name Choi Young is known to little kids, who practice sword fighting on the wooden sticks, aspiring to grow up like you."
"You flatter me, Cho-na. Honestly, I'm torn about it myself. How can I ask my men to lay their lives on the line, if I'm going to be hiding behind a desk in a palace? Forget that I said anything. I'm just worried sick. It has been a year shy of five days since… A whole year has passed, and no sight of her. I just want to be alive to greet her, Cho-na," he choked on the last words; desperation took a hold of him. His expressive eyes screamed: I want to hold her in my arms, to give back the love she offered me, to be there for her forever and ever, like I promised. I want to be able to keep my promise.
The King could not bear to see this usually commanding man so dejected.
"Look, you do not have to decide anything. This is an option. I would like for you to stay alive as well; this is the bare minimum I can do for High Doctor, since she saved my wife. I will give you some time to think it over. There is always a choice for me to give you an order… if you would prefer."
"I do not wish to have preferential treatment. I was wrong to ask for it. Please forget about it. What I do want to ask for is a week off."
"Oh, yes, time off. You asked for it before, of course. Take a week or two, as you wish. Just make sure your location is known so that you can be reached in case of emergency."
"I am going to the Heaven's door, Cho-na".
The King gave the General an encouraging smile.
