The Five Stages of Quinn Fabray
Anger
And mix it up she did. That summer, Quinn changed everything up, much to her mother's chagrin (like she would really understand what she was feeling though).
The hole was still there, a deep dark sinking abyss that seemed to get worse by the day. So Quinn said "fuck it" to the blonde hair and perfect cheerleader uniform, and hello to the ripped black clothes, heavy black eyeliner, pink hair and a tattoo (it's fake, but it looks real, so she'll roll with it).
She found some new friends too, hanging out with the "bad girls" in town, hoping the new reputation will scare people enough to stay away from her and leave her be instead of pressuring her to be someone she's not. (She is still deluding herself by telling people this is the new her, but she refuses to admit it's a sham).
They smoke, drink, get in trouble, scam underclassmen out of money, and hang out with older guys. She still thinks that even Puck may be more mature than some of the guys she meets, especially the 40 year old X-Games skateboarder wannabe, but dating him is easier than admitting what she is truly feeling. She hides behind the lit cigarette in her mouth, the black clothes and neon pink hair enough to ward most people off… except the Glee club. They all just look at her with pity and concern, wondering what happened to her and wanting to help her get through this phase.
But doing so would require her to admit that she needed their help. Admit that she wanted their friendship and love, just like they gave her during her sophomore year. But she refuses to remember that year. When the whole group waited outside in the waiting room while she gave birth. When the whole team wished both she and Puck well in making their decision, stopping by the nursery to get a look at their perfect little girl before heading back to the auditorium to hear the results.
She couldn't do that. She never wanted to think about that again. So she refused to go back to Glee club. She loved that club and some of the best memories she made during high school involved the Glee club and the friends she had made while she was there.
However, she couldn't go back. After all, it was the Glee club that screwed up her life to begin with. No, she was pissed at all of them. She was pissed that Finn strayed over to the club and eventually to Rachel the beginning of their sophomore year, leading her to seek comfort in Puck's strong, warm arms.
She was upset that the only people who managed to really get to her and truly piss her off or make her happy were members of the Glee club.
She was mad that, if she were honest with herself, she really needed them.
And she was angry that they all knew her everything about her past, loner-loser Lucy Caboosey and everything, and instead of fearing her new attitude or simply leaving her alone like she wanted, they looked at her like they pitied her. Especially Puck, but she was never quite able to read him anyway.
So she agreed to be a part of Sue's campaign video, trashing the arts and screaming her head off at Mr. Schuester. But instead of taking it in stride and looking like he was going to cry like he usually did before giving in, he stood up from his desk and called her ungrateful. Sad. Scared. Miserable.
What infuriated her most, was the fact that he nailed everything she was feeling with just a few sentences. It took her the better part of a year to figure out what she was feeling and he managed to explain it all in less than 30 seconds. This man she respected and cared about, who became like a father-figure to her, just brought her down to size and summed up her whole miserable life up until that point. And it was all caught on film.
But he missed a few key emotions still coursing through her veins: Regret. Guilt. Pain. Darkness. Emptiness. Just to name a few.
The little ray of sunshine that she grew to love over those 9 months was gone. That perfect pink bundle that was the sum total of all of the happiness and love she felt to the depths and breadths of her soul was gone, and she wasn't coming back.
And honestly she was irate.
She was irate with herself for letting the little girl go. As soon as the nurses placed Beth in her arms and she felt the tiny weight against her chest, she finally felt completely happy and content for once in her life. Like she finally did something good. Created something so perfect and beautiful to call her own. Those perfect pouty little lips and smile she inherited from Puck. Those devastatingly precious cheeks, soft skin and eyes she inherited from Quinn. Holding her daughter made her feel whole and complete. A feeling she would give absolutely anything in the world to feel again.
That was, until Shelby showed up in town with perfect little Beth in tow. Puck tried to get her to go talk to Shelby and see Beth, but she couldn't. She wanted to feel like she had closed that chapter in her life, but she knew that too was a lie.
So she confronted Shelby, told the older woman that she was Beth's true mother and that Shelby couldn't take that away from her. Shelby told her a few things in return but Quinn wasn't really listening, choosing to focus on the fact that her daughter was that much closer to her at that point.
Puck confronted her a few days later, saying he saw their daughter and she's absolutely perfect. She still looks just like Quinn too. Seeing him there in front of her talking about their daughter and how amazing the little girl is broke Quinn's heart and she knew she needed to see her again.
She sucks up her pride and goes to speak to Shelby again, asking if she could see Beth, but Shelby shuts her down, telling her to clean up her act and then maybe. So Quinn begs to see a picture, and busts into tears upon seeing Puck and their perfect little baby girl, two-thirds of the perfect family picture. And at that point, she would do anything to be a part of that picture again.
She's still upset, but she thinks she can do something about it. She loses the black clothes and the pink hair, instead going back to her old wholesome look and hoping Shelby falls for it. She even enlists Puck's help in getting Beth back, the two of them talking Shelby into letting them babysit.
Quinn takes the opportunity to spend time with her daughter while at the same time planting silly things like hot sauce with Beth's name on it and a dumb book on "baby sacrifices" in the house. She would never plant anything that could seriously hurt her little girl, but she hoped this would be enough to get Child Protective Services to pay Shelby a visit and deem her to be an unfit mother. Then Quinn would be the next logical choice, right? She was the little girl's mother after all.
But after a few weeks go by and nothing has happened, she finally speaks to Shelby, deciding that it may be better to just join her glee club. That way she would be able to see Beth more often and keep her enemies close so she could keep an eye on Shelby.
But instead of accepting her as part of the group Shelby hesitates at first. Quinn is confused but she agrees to give her more time, wondering aloud to Puck why nothing is working.
Finally, she decides to just go over to Shelby's and see why she hadn't called back, taking Beth a gift in the process. When she arrives, Shelby starts yelling at her, telling her she opened up to Quinn but she threw it back in her face, basically calling her a selfish little girl who knows nothing about raising a child or being a mother.
"You have no idea what it means to be a mother. It's not about whose body she comes out of. It's about accepting the fact that you don't matter anymore. That your feelings and your life and your body, they all come second to making sure that child is happy and safe."
Quinn made a few comments that probably exacerbated the situation, calling her a "cash whore" for giving Rachel up for money. Granted, probably not the smartest move but Quinn has never been one for thinking before she speaks, especially if that truth is what she believes. She wants to scream at Shelby, curse the fact that she only seems to concern herself with keeping Quinn away from their daughter, when in reality she should be stepping up to be a part of her own daughter Rachel's life instead of going out of her way to make Quinn's life miserable.
Shelby tries to show her the door, but Quinn doesn't move. Instead, something inside of her wants, no needs to know. "Is Puck still going to get to see her?" she asks quietly.
"This conversation is over," Shelby snaps, waving her hand and ushering her out the door.
She storms off but by that time, Quinn has her answer. Only she and Puck knew about all of the stuff she put in Shelby's apartment. Only she and Puck knew that they wanted to get their baby back. Puck was the one who told Shelby and warned her about Quinn's plan and for that she was raging pissed.
But what was worse, was the fact that she had noticed the wistful glances between the Shelby and Puck before. And that 'Hot for Teacher' number was a dead giveaway that he had a slight crush. Plus, he had been spending quite a bit of time over there, Shelby allowing him to see Beth more than she let Quinn, which really hurt. And by not answering Quinn's question at the end, Shelby all but acknowledged there was something going on between the two of them and basically admitted that Puck would still get to see Beth while she was planning on cutting Quinn completely out of the picture.
But Puck still stringing her on, pretending to go along with her plan all while secretly sabotaging her from within. For what? So he could start his own relationship with Shelby and thus have an instant family with her and Beth? So the two of them could play house while Quinn was forced to look on from a distance while her little ray of sunshine Beth, the man she loved and the woman she detested lived happily ever after? So he could help Shelby live out all of Quinn's dreams?
No, this was beyond hurt. This felt like a betrayal.
It finally happened. All of Quinn's nightmares had come true. She lost Puck to her.She lost all hope of ever seeing her daughter again. She lost her heart, lying broken on the side of the road as she drove home in the rain.
And it absolutely enraged her that she could do nothing about it now. Or could she?
