Hunger Strikes
By: Princess Ashley
AN: I own nothing.
So, I like reading my reviews from time to time. First of all, thank you for the reviews. I'll thank Christene Quinn for pointing out my fouls in the first chapter. I have gone back and tried to correct them to the best of my ability. I believe that I've corrected most if not all of them. Having said that, feedback is very important to me. I hope that if you read my story and like it, you'll let me know. If you read it and don't review, I feel like you don't like it, and if that's the case, please let me know what I can do better.
Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm trying to write this in the same way Suzanne Collins would have written it. The next book doesn't come out until October 2009, and frankly, I can drive myself crazy waiting that long. I've written this in the same point of view as the book, or tried to, and tried to keep all the characters true to themselves. Key word being 'try'.
But I do like the feedback, and I'm always looking for new inspirations. So if you have any ideas, please let me know. If I like it, I'll see if I can incorporate it somehow. But I'm on an idea binge so far; so let's see how far it takes me.
As for updates: I am in college, and working on a very hectic schedule right now. I'll try to keep my updates regular, but as always, school comes before fanfiction. Sad but true. I'll try to never keep you waiting for more than two weeks though. I take a lot of pride in my work and try to never give you anything less than my best. I do the edits on my own, and that takes time, so bear with me. And I'll never give you less than 2,500 words per chapter. Not my style.
Thank you, and enjoy!
Two: Even the Winner Loses in the End
After the feast, everyone bids us farewell and continues on home for the night. I am pulled aside for interviews, and they even have questions for my mother and Prim.
"What did you feel when you saw your sister take your place during the Reaping?'
"How did you feel when you had to go to school knowing that when you came back your sister might have died?"
"Could you even bear to watch?"
Prim's lips tremble with fear and her eyes start to tear, and I see firsthand how horrible it must have been for them to watch me battle for my life everyday. If Prim had gone instead of me, I would have stood outside the electronic store starring at the televisions for hours on end. I can't imagine that I would ever be able to look away. If someone can live it, then others will have to watch. I watch her closely as she answers with a poise that I will never be able to accomplish.
"Katniss has always provided for me." Prim begins with redness in her eyes. She turns to look at me while she speaks. "Mother was sick for a long time, and Katniss took care of both of us. She has always made sure that we have food to eat, and she helps me look presentable at school. She sings to me when I'm sick, and does whatever mother tells her needs done."
My mother has her arms around my waist and clings to me desperately, as if she thinks the cameramen will steal me away. She whispers "I'm sorry….Katniss, I'm sorry…" Every time she asks, I forgive her. Over and over again.
"I knew that if I got picked, that Katniss would volunteer. I was worried, but I knew that if anyone from District 12 had a chance of winning it all, she did." Her faith in me warms me to her, and I hear the fondness in her voice.
My mother speaks to them as well. "Whenever I would see her on the television, or I would hear stories from others every second I took my eyes off of it, I would cry and fear for her. But not because I doubted her." She looks into my eyes as she speaks, and I see shame and pride blend together. "Katniss has always had so much weight on her shoulders, and she never complains. I cry because she shouldn't have to go through what she does. She shouldn't have to feel like she has to do everything for everyone else. But she does." Tears slip down her cheeks, and I don't know what else to do but to squeeze her gently until the reporters are out of questions.
We continue home together. Gale has to leave before we do to get his siblings to bed, and to tend to his parents. He presses his lips to my hair before he leaves. "I'm proud of you, Catnip. I don't think anyone else around here could do what you have done." He flashes me a smile, and walks away. In all our interactions, he never seems to feel like anything more than a close friend, maybe even a brother at times. Maybe I'm the only one who sees more than that.
***
The past few days have been a blur. Everyday came a new surprise; pleasant surprises for once.
The first was a delivery of food from the Capitol that filled up our pantry and cabinets. The dingy old refrigerator is filled with fruit, vegetables, frozen steaks and pork and chicken. There are cakes with the brilliant colored frosting that Prim is so fond of, and quarts of ice cream in the freezer. They brought so much that any patients my mother had within the last few days got a complementary bushel of all the bread and fruit that we didn't have room for. There would be more.
The second came in the form of a private account at the bank in the Capitol. A shiny black card came in the mail two days ago with instructions on how to us it, and a letter addressed to me told me I will never want for anything else for the rest of my life. It told me that I could access my account online, but I don't have a computer. My mother makes a list of all the things we need to adjust to this new life. I need to figure out a way to get these cards for Prim and my mother. I won't be able to spend the money on my own. They are better equipped at spending money on useless things than I am.
The third, and maybe the last, probably shouldn't have been so surprising, but it caused my mother to practically fall out of her seat.
I had forgotten about Victor's Village until a representative from the Capitol showed up at our little shack in the Seam to let us know that our new 'dwelling' would be finished by the end of the week, and that they would send people to help us to move our things.
I think my mother is taking it hard. My father made this house for us. He crafted the cabinets that hang in our kitchen. Mother had tired of having everything just spread out on the tables that marked off the kitchen from the rest of our house. I'll see if I can ask the workers to install our own cabinets into the kitchen at our new house. I think it will make it more like home. Well, as much as a two-story mansion in a gauche high-end neighborhood can be.
Gale helps us pack our things up. We don't have much, so it doesn't take long between the four of us. Prim and I have one box of clothes and my mother has two, along with another box of medicine and toiletries that we share amongst us. It's only the food that sets us back a little. The food takes up almost eight boxes. We don't know about the donkey and Buttercup. My mother insists that we leave Buttercup and buy a more attractive animal, but Prim will have none of it. Her concern for that ugly and ferocious animal concerns me. I think about killing it and stewing the meat without her knowing before I remember that I no longer have to hunt for my food.
While we rest, I also start to think about hunting. I can't get my mind around not needing to hunt. My life before the games was all about where I was going to get my next meal, get Prim to school on time and looking presentable, and make sure my mom wakes up in the mornings. What can I do now that all these things are being provided for me?
I feel Gale come out beside me. We have something of a porch behind our house, but it's actually just a slab of concrete that creates a ledge between it and the mud on the ground. Gale sits on my left, and stares out into the Seam with me.
"Got the rest of your things packed." He says, and I nod.
"Thank you for helping." I really am grateful, but my face is masked. It's odd. When did the mask I used for the games become my real face? And when did I use my real face as a mask? Why was everything so backwards? I don't understand what I'm trying to hide from Gale. I've never had to hide from Gale.
"It's gonna be weird not having you hunting with me anymore." He says, turning his grey eyes to me.
"Just because I don't have to hunt anymore doesn't mean I won't join you. Hunting is still my favorite pastime." I tell him, meaning it.
"Only because it had to be." Maybe he's right. Maybe I only enjoyed it because it was something I had to do. But I don't think so. I remember always being happy in the wilderness with Gale, hunting for our families. Gale always told me that I never smiled unless I was in the woods. That was true. I didn't smile anywhere else.
"I'm sure the animals will be grateful that you are no longer hunting them." He chuckles, but I detect something under his humor.
"I can still come with you, you know. Just for something to do." I try to reason with him.
His jaw clenches, and I know I've said something wrong. "It's not going to work, Katniss. There's no point in hunting unless you have to. If I had what you have now, I wouldn't hunt either. It's not amusing to me that you'll be standing by watching while I scavenge to feed my family."
That hurts. But it's true. I would find someone just watching what I have to do to survive day by day extremely irritating. But it still hurts that Gale would say that. I try to catch his eyes, but they are trained forward, and his black hair shields his expression from me.
"Ugh!" I cry, and stomp my feet childishly into the mud. The Hunger Games had its way of ruining people's lives. I didn't understand that before. Now I do. I understand that you can't go back to your old life after the games. They don't allow that. I should be happy that my family will never starve again, never go hungry. I should be happy the weight of their wellbeing is no longer on my shoulders. Anyone would be. And part of me is. But how do I live my life any other way?
Gale gazes at me now, his eyes clouded with uncertain emotions.
I never hid my feelings from him. I'm not sure why I'm doing that now. I try to remedy that by spitting out all that I feel. "The Hunger Games destroy lives, even the winner's life. I fight to survive my entire life, and I did the same in the arena for nearly a month. It was more of the same. Now I'm back and I'm expected to live, and not survive? Surviving is all I know how to do! What do I do when I'm not fighting for my life?" I bit out, and tears are coming from my eyes again. I've never cried this much before.
I feel Gale's arm wrap around my shoulder and squeeze me to his hard body. I lean my head on his shoulder, and take a deep breath. He leans his head onto mine.
"We were in the survival business Katniss. You are the reason that your sister and mother are still alive. You've paid your dues, and now you can retire, and try to live like you're not from the Seam." His baritone rumbles lowly, and his throat contracts on my cheek.
"I don't know how to live like that. I don't think I want to live like that." I had lived my father's life for so long, I think that if I stop, I will forget him eventually. And Gale. I never talk to him unless we're hunting. Will that change as well? Will Gale find another hunting partner? Will he forget about me? Never forget me, Gale. I want to tell him.
Instead I tell him, "We'll still talk, right? You won't go off and find another hunting buddy?" I try to be playful, but I know he knows I'm serious.
He squeezes me to assure me. "Of course not. I mean… it'd be nice if I could find another hunting buddy. But no one will replace you, you know? You're my Catnip. And we'll talk. We still have school together."
I think about all the girls that stare at him the hallways at school. I wonder if any of them worked up the nerve to talk to him while I was gone? Gale never showed interest in any of them before. The question is: why do I care?
***
Workers show up in the morning to take our things to the new house. They come with a large loading truck, but they don't need it. We only have a little over a dozen boxes of belongings. My mother talks to the representative from the Capitol about the cabinets, and the man agrees. They delicately get to work on taking the oak cabinets out from the walls.
Once again, Gale comes to help with the moving, but he isn't needed. Instead of attempting to assist the helpers, we decide to go ahead and look at the area that my family will be occupying from now on. It takes only a half hour for us to get to Victor's Village. It's a gated community in the wilderness with a lot of property for each of the residences.
I give my name to a man at the gate, and he tells me a code to enter on the keypad from now on. I type it in, and the gates open.
"Sweetheart!"
Haymitch is drunk.
"It's so good to see you finally! This place is so lonely without any other neighbors!"
Haymitch is really drunk.
He stumbles his way towards me, and I'm positive that he will crush me on impact, but before he reaches me, an arm nabs the back of his jacket and holds him steady.
"C'mon, Haymitch. Katniss doesn't need another unpleasant memory of you."
Peeta.
I don't know why I didn't expect him to be here as well. He's shaking his head at Haymitch, trying to steady the older man. He's dressed well. Nice looking jean pants and a white long-sleeve shirt. His mother must have taken him shopping as soon as she received the card in the mail. I can't imagine Peeta picking out those clothes for himself.
Then I pause. How do I know what Peeta dresses like? Peeta knows bread, and he's a heavy lifter. He has survival instincts even though he's never had to survive. He has many friends and admirers, and he's spent most of his life loving me. And he's funny.
I think about all the accumulated information I have acquired on Peeta, and I realize that I don't know him. I know his smiles, and his life, but I don't know what he likes. He likes me. That's all so far. He likes to wrestle. What's his favorite color? Is bread is favorite food, since that's all he ever eats? He likes my singing, but does he like music? He works at his father's bakery, but is that all he wants to do when he grows up?
"…crazy stuff you pulled in that arena. That was amazing how you…"
"…yeah well you'd be amazed at what you can do when you're life is on the line…"
I look up, and I freeze at the scene before me.
Peeta….is talking to Gale. Haymitch… is starring at me with a knowing look in his eyes. I scowl at him. How does he go from completely drunk to intuitive that fast?
"That your boyfriend, sweetheart?" He asks me, quiet so the other two can't hear.
" I don't have a boyfriend." I hiss at him. I don't think….?
"That's the boy that Peeta was referring to when you got all worked up about his interview, no?" He smiles.
I sigh. "Gale and I are just hun....friends." Haymitch knows that I hunt, but I still feel uneasy about saying it aloud with anyone other than Gale.
"I'm sure, sweetheart."
I want to yell at him to stop calling me sweetheart, but I feel Gale and Peeta looking at me. I send another scowl to Haymitch, who is barely concealing his laughter as he walks off. I see him heading towards a house in the quad that I guess is his own.
I walk towards Peeta and Gale.
Peeta saves me the trouble of breaking the ice. "Haymitch got a little over-excited when my family showed up this morning. Showered plenty of gifts though. I think we have enough alcohol to last through Christmas." He jokes, and Gale laughs as well. I crack a smile, but I'm too uncomfortable to enjoy Peeta's jokes.
Peeta shows us his new house. The houses all generally look alike, but with subtle differences here and there. They are all large and beautiful, with cream stucco paint and large neatly trimmed front yards. They have large windows with dark wooden shutters, and tiled roofs. Arranged in a circle around the pearly gravel road, the center of the large quad is a beautiful stone fountain, in which an angel carries the emblem of the Hunger Games. I frown. The Capitol would want to drive the reason they were here into our heads, wouldn't they?
"The inside is huge. We can go in but I warn you, my mother is inside facilitating the entire thing. The workers may be getting frustrated with her. She's very specific." Peeta says, with a fond smile on his face as we walk up the marble steps to the patio. He opens the large wooden door and inside is a sight. Everything is cream colored with tiled marble floors. A grand staircase is the centerpiece of the room. I can see a kitchen fully equipped though an archway in the back and to the left, and windows line the back of the house. Outside of them I see a large swimming pool that it seems Peeta's brothers are taking advantage of.
Can I live in a place like this?
"Pretty overwhelming, right?"
I turn and Peeta is smiling wryly as he looks anywhere but me.
"I don't see what was so terrible about our other home, but my mother insists on pointing out all of its shortcomings now that she's settled here."
Sure enough, I hear shouting coming from the second floor of the house as Peeta's mother hacks into a worker not lining her photo frames correctly.
Peeta and Gale chuckle together, and I let a smile crack my lips.
"It will be a change, but one that she is completely willing to make."
I couldn't help laughing this time, and Peeta gives me a big smile. He always knows how to make me laugh.
Peeta stops abruptly, and stares out the door that is left open. "Looks like your movers are here."
Gale and I turn to see a truck coming through the gates and pull around the quad. I see little Prim with her head stuck out the window of the truck, gazing around in wonder. My mother must be in the truck as well. They couldn't have gotten here any other way.
"Better get going then. You'll want to protect your mom from Haymitch. I was dragging him away from my mother when you arrived. Hope you didn't spend any money on drinks, Haymitch will think you forgot about him."
I turn to Peeta. I have scarcely said two words to him since we got off the train. I'll admit that I'm afraid what any serious conversation between us would entail, but I do want to let him know that I never wanted to hurt him.
I think Gale understands I want to talk to Peeta alone because he nods his head and tells him it was nice to meet him before he walks out the front door to assist my mother. I watch him leave.
"I never expected this to happen, you know." I settled on. I had struggled with my thoughts around Gale and when I had just decided to blurt out what I felt, it had gone okay. I hope it works again.
"I didn't know you weren't faking at the beginning. Everyone else could tell that you weren't, but I couldn't." He stares at me with his hands in his pockets. I don't know what to do with my own hands, so I fold them in front of me instead. They're slippery with sweat. "I thought it was all an act in the arena as well. I thought you understood what was happening whenever we would be close and then Haymitch would send something. It never occurred to me that you weren't acting, you did everything you were supposed to do." He had done everything exactly on cue. It was unfathomable that he managed to do that without any forethought whatsoever.
"I don't think I realized that you weren't faking until you told me that story about your father in school that day. It was so precise, I thought you must have been a master at the game I thought we were playing."
He's still silent, and I'm still struggling with everything that I wanted to say.
"I just wanted you to know, it wasn't completely fake."
He has something in his eyes now. I'm not sure what it is, but I continue anyway.
"When you kissed me, after the fever was gone, and your leg was better, and we both weren't delirious with hunger, I liked it. I wanted more. But we were dying…I mean, we could have died in there." Tears are coming again. Will they ever stop coming? "I care about you, Peeta. I feel like you are the only one who can understand me now. What is happening to me is happening to you as well, right?" I'm desperate for the assurance that I'm not going through this alone.
"You mean wondering how you can be expected to live after you've spent so long just trying to survive?" I blink at him. Yes…that's exactly right. "You mean how are you supposed to live day by day with the kind of memories that we have? That we've killed people?" I gulp. That's also right. The boy from District 1, and Peeta had killed the girl who started the fire the second night.
His eyes are intense but compassionate…caring. I see it, and I want him to hold me. I want him to hold me like he did in the cave. I want him to pull my head onto his shoulder and wrap his arms around me and run his fingers through my hair. I want him to kiss me.
"But you have to know, Katniss. You have to know that deep down, we never won the Games. They're not over. We're going to be surviving those games for the rest of our lives. We did horrible things to survive. Not as horrible as some, but still, horrible!" His bellflower eyes are shining with unshed tears.
"You know why Haymitch is drunk all the time? It's easier that way. He doesn't have to live if he can't tell his hands from his feet. All of this, Katniss?" He waves his hands about the quad. These perfect houses and that perfect marble angel in the middle of all of it; My mother and Prim with smiles on their faces as they set to exploring the inside of our new house. "It's an illusion. They want to make it seem like we've won something. Like, somehow, we've done something good. We haven't done anything good Katniss. There are no winners in the Hunger Games. It's just taking us longer to lose." He has his hands on my shoulders now, gripping me strongly but not hurting me.
He's right. He's always right.
I wrap my arms around his waist and place my head on his chest. He hugs my shoulders and rests his head on top of mine. His tears soak into my hair. He was always better at showing emotions than me. My own tears fall down my face and onto his clean white shirt.
I've changed my mind. I do know Peeta. Maybe not trivial things, like what his favorite color is, or what he wants to be when he grows up. But I know his heart, and it's the same as mine.
Peeta sighs against me, and squeezes me tenderly. I nuzzle against his chest. This can happen. I know I can be happy right here, in his arms, forever.
I just don't know if forever is meant for me.
