Chapter 2: Thong Night

Chapter 2: Thong Night

After Alice had forced me into the mass of ruffles that she insisted was a dress, she told me that my hot pink granny-panties were not going to work under my scrumtrulescently white "dress." So we went to the mall. Edward insisted on coming so he could protect me from the rabid shopaholic that was Alice Cullen, and Emmett came to video tape it all for our 50th Anniversary dinner. I never had Emmett pinned down as one to plan ahead, but then again what else is he supposed to do for the next 50 years? Nothing with Rosalie...

Struggling to erase that thought from my head, I followed Alice forlornly into the mall. I was barely aware of where we were headed...until she led me straight into Victoria's Secret!

"Alice," I gasped, "what are we doing here?"

"Bella, Bella, Bella," she sighed, "we came here to get you underwear. Where did you think we were going?"

"I...uh...I...Target?" I sputtered.

Alice nearly had a spaz attack. "YOU. BUY. YOUR. UNDERWEAR. FROM...TARGET??" Then she went from nearly having a spaz attack to having an all out spaz attack that caused every Target within a 400 mile radius to spontaneously combust.

"..." I replied sheepishly.

"Alice," Edward growled, "is this really necessary?"

"Oh, get over yourself, Edward," she said, "Bella needs underwear. It is a simple fact of...existence. It is also a simple fact of existence that Target will not do for wedding underwear."

Both of us stared at her in alarm.

"...on account of it's a white dress, and all," she finished. She took my sigh of relief as an invitation then, and dragged me into the store.

"Now if you truly have your heart set on the hot pink, you'll have to get a thong. Really if you don't want your underwear showing you'll have to get a thong. Edward, help your fiancee pick out a thong. I have some shopping to do." She smiled evilly and bolted around a massive rack of underwear before my blush had a chance to reach its full intensity.

"Uh..." said Edward eloquently.

"Uh..." I replied intelligently.

A blonde preteen girl in a low-cut pink tank top stared at us and snickered. "Over there," she informed us, pointing toward the lingerie sectin of the store.

She watched with amusement as we wandered embarrassedly toward the horror landscape of lace. As we meandered here and there, I noticed that two girls were following us. I tried to ignore them, but every time I glanced back they appeared to have multiplied until there was no one else in the store besides us... Until I turned around and figured out where they all went... and that they were all staring at my ONE-TRUE-LOVER-SEXY-GOD-OF-PERFECTION-VAMPIRE-FIANCEE-SOULMATE!! I decided that as soon as I was a newborn, they were all the first to die. I'd have to remember to take down names.

The titters of the nosy preteens grew louder and louder until they reached a dull roar. Suddenly, when my cheeks were so red I thought I'd explode in a giant geiser of tomato juice, Emmett appeared.

"Hey, Bella! How's your first time in Victoria's Secret going?" He asked with a grin from behind the video camera he was using to document this for posterity. More tittering from the preteens. Emmett rolled his eyes and turned to face them all. There were a few gasps among the crowd as he said, "Girls... OMIGOD DAKOTA FANNING IS THAT YOU!?" He looked pointedly at one of the shorter blonde girls.

Unfortunately, this did not have the desired effect. Instead, the blonde turned bright red as the tittering grew to the volume of an army of angry chipmunks. Emmett's eyes scanned the crowd, then, seeing the devoted looks on their faces, threw the video camera aside and made a run for it.

"You're lucky this time, Edward! But be warned--Jasper is coming for y..." Emmett's voice faded as he ran faster.

"What was that about?" I asked Edward.

"Emmett was...collecting me."

"Collecting you for what?"

"My...bachelor party," he admitted sheepishly.

I stared at him for a few loooong moments before giving him a puppy dog face and saying, "You would never go to a strip club or anything would you?"

"Bella, no! Absolutely not! I would never--"

"BUT WE WOULD!" Came Jasper and Emmett's voices in unison from behind a large potted plant.

"Emmett, I heard that!" Edward growled, apparently referring to a thought.

"Good. I was counting on it. Now let's go, or I'll tell her."

"Tell me what?" I asked Edward, crossing my arms.

"What our bet was about," Emmett offered helpfully from behind the plant.

If Edward wasn't already absurdly pale, I'm sure his face would have turned white. "Fine, you win," he grumbled to the little palm tree. "I'll go."

"Edward??"

"I'm not telling you, Bella."

"Eddd-waaard??"

"No."

"Eddie-kins??"

"If you call me that again it will be a bigger no."

"Pweeeeeeaase?"

"Oh my dear sweet Bella! I can't leave you here all alone by yourself to be redundant!" Emmett and Jasper looked at him disapprovingly. "Well I can't leave her here! She's my lahve! I NEED her and her calming prescence!"

"No you don't, that's why Jasper's coming!"

"IT'S NOT THE SAME!!"

I sighed. "Edward, just go. Emmett can tell me later."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," he muttered.

"Thank you, little sister!" Emmett shouted. He bounded out from behind the potted plant, followed by Jasper. The two of them grabbed Edward's shoulders and marched him out of the store. As they paraded out of the mall, a horde of teenage girls, several of their mothers, and one grandmother followed them. Emmett whistled a tune, pied-piper style, and waved a palm branch around like a band conductor's baton.

LATER

I was asleep in bed, having a most frightening dream.

I was running through the forest dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West was alternating between being scary and saying "I'll get you my pretty" and being Idina Menzel and singing "It's time to tryyyyyy defying gravity" while flying vampire toasters attacked me. I woke up feeling even more odd than I had the time I ate the taquitos before bed and dreamt that I was locked in glass cube and all ayone would feed me were saran-wrapped brownies and then Alice busted me out with a battering ram and Edward, Alice, and I all high-tailed it out of Forks and straight into Nova Scotia!

Looking around, I realized Edward was absent, went into a three-page-long panic, and recalled that he was at his 'bachelor party.' I gulped at the term. I looked around the room, my eyes finally resting on the lime green lace thong (I had just grabbed the first one I touched) draped over the arm of my rocking chair. I sighed and closed my eyes. Eventually, I fell back asleep, thinking of Edward.

This dream was even scarier. I was in the baseball meadow from the first book, feeling an odd sense of foreboding. The sky was dark; I quickly realized that the sky was chock-full of flying penguins. Trying to shut out the irony of this, I focused on the task at hand. I seemed to be guarding something. It only took me to realize that it was, in fact, a jewel encrusted fish shaped necklace-locket thing that was a magical amulet that had once belonged to the Banana King, protector of all ironic flying penguins!

The black mass of flying flightless birds ghosted toward me with frightening speed. I stared back into the face of the jewel-encrusted fish. Its red eyes sparkled at me, full of fishy bloodlust. I woke with a start. This somehow relates to the five-page-long backstory Carlisle gave me on Tanya's family, I thought to myself. Hmm.

I got up and stretched, contemplating the vampire wedding that was sure to be the strangest day of my life.

A/N: So Bella, in all her ineptability (which oO-Alice-Cullen-Oo is now declaring IS a word), has decided that her wedding day is going to be the strangest day of her life. You know, as opposed the first time Edward saved her life, the day she found out he was a vampire, the day she found out Jacob was a werewolf, the day she met the rest of the Cullens, and the night she spent freezing up in the mountains. Nope, getting married definitely tops those in MY book! -rolls eyes- So here is where we conclude chapter two of our parody of a ridiculous-ness. Review! Kthnxbye!