fandom: Ah My Goddess / Oh My Goddess / Aa Megami-sama
title: Hon no Omoi.
pairing: Keiichi + Belldandy, Sentaro + Skuld
rating: pg-13
d
escription – When Skuld fails her license exam, she realizes she must learn what a goddess really is.

Disclaimer – Thank you Fujishima Kousuke-sensei for this wonderful manga.

Hon no Omoi. (The Book of Thoughts.)

By Miyamoto Yui

(Note: This fic has different narrators for each part.)

Part 1 – Skuld – Proof of myself.

My stinging eyes kept on staring at the oiled brakes on my hands. I followed the black liquid going in between the lines.

I hadn't ever noticed it before, but this was the first time that I didn't wear any gloves or an apron. I couldn't stand to wear my gloves right now. This time, I really wanted to feel the materials. I didn't know that it would feel so different to have nothing protecting my hands and body.

Maybe five years ago, I would have freaked out, but now, I just stared listlessly at the oil splatters all over my white skirt. When I'd come back from Yggdrasil, I didn't bother to change and had run to see Belldandy Onee-chan.

All my life, I think I found a way to keep myself from getting dirty. I felt ashamed of myself and sighed at this late realization.

Putting the brakes down carefully, I curled myself up into a ball. I put my head down and pushed my forehead towards my knees while I grabbed my elbows until my knuckles turned white. I felt the oil stick onto my legs and arms with the smell making me a little dizzy, but I didn't care anymore.

"Why now?"

I'd seemed so foolish. Did they know that and hadn't told me? Did they see through all my conceited words?

How could they do what I now felt I couldn't?

But I don't want to ask for their help this time.

Urd's nonchalant voice kept on repeating in my head, "What is the point of getting First Class anyway?"

She was lying on the floor like an Egyptian queen with one hand cupping her face and the other one holding onto the remote. My oldest sister's back faced me and I stared at her loosely-worn, violet kimono.

She had known I'd failed. This was her way of comforting me.

"What is the point of being a goddess if you can't get to the highest level that you can?" I snapped back.

"The highest level of a goddess isn't for them to decide. It's yours."

Click, click, click.

She didn't turn around at all as her painted nails pressed on the remote controller's buttons.

"I…" My palms throbbed as I pressed my fingernails into them. "You…you always…"

Resentfully, I ran into the garage after that.

That scene kept on popping up in my head and I couldn't turn it off. Urd always said the right things at the worst of times.

But…

…when it came to the people of this house, she couldn't lie.

Was I crying so hard right now because I knew that actually, I didn't care? I didn't have any plans after getting to First Class?

That I was scared and empty without that goal before me?

The exam had forced me to see the gap I'd maintained between my sisters and from others. Especially, from the person whom I couldn't ever forget: Sentaro-kun.

The worst thing about it was…

…I didn't want to seal it. I never thought I could.

The examiners' faces came to mind. Why did I come to Earth for anyway?

"Skuld?"

My face looked up and my knees were wet from my tears and the oil, but that voice right now…wasn't it Sentaro's voice?

At that moment, Noble Scarlet appeared and hugged my shoulders, pressing her left cheek onto my right one. She smiled and then pointed at the door.

Curiously, there was a gust of wind and the sound of crinkling paper outside. Walking outside the door of the garage, I bent down to find they had all left books and notes for me.

Looking at the house, I found myself smiling as I gathered them into my arms to take them into the garage. I closed the door completely and read until I couldn't keep my eyes open.

The next morning, I was walking back from the bathroom and peeked at Keiichi and Belldandy Onee-chan from the corner. He was rushing off to work but smiled and winked at my sister. He held his hand up to hi-five her but she gripped onto it, interlocking their fingers together and nodded with a smile. Then, she let him go and he went out with a smug expression on his face.

I tiptoed back to the garage.

Minutes later, I knew she would knock on my door, but I'd already cleaned my futon and put a note saying, "Please do not worry about me. I'm researching about paper."

I went to the garage to get the knapsack that Onee-chan had made for me when I first came to Earth. It was khaki-colored with red lining. I found out later that it was Keiichi who had picked the colors.

I only used it to carry my most important treasures: Mother's rose quartz bracelet, Father's old work gloves, Belldandy Onee-chan's garnet earring that she used when she was a baby, the pair of wrenches Urd gave to me when I'd wrecked Father's, and Keiichi's lucky flashlight whenever he tuned his bike.

Now, I was going to look for something in the city to add something to this collection.

For two days, I went to many book stores and libraries. I looked around at titles, pictures, rankings, and even at the attendants at the register. I even went to the park around our house to touch the trees and smelled the pages of old books in Jimbocho. I was told that Jimbocho was famous for being Tokyo's book center where you could find hard-to-find first editions.

But in the last bookstore in Kanda, one book in particular had a very familiar aura. I bargained with the old lady for it and paid most of my savings (the allowance Onee-chan gave me) to buy it. The old lady winked at me and even gave me some bits of chocolate.

When I'd opened it outside, I was shocked to find out that it was written by one of the goddesses who had come here! She had revoked her license and decided to live on Earth!

I had heard of her legend but I never thought I'd find something like this! Excitedly, I sat on the trains and read it all the way back. I couldn't put it down even though I was on the late bus coming home.

It wasn't a long book though, but because it wasn't a tech manual, it was a bit harder for me to understand. The only thing that stuck in my mind was, "Even if you don't know what you're doing, as long as you know what you want and believe you can get there with all your effort, you'll get there eventually. Don't let your doubts distract you."

When I got home, it wasn't Belldandy Onee-chan waiting for me, but Urd. She and Keiichi had to talk about something so they had gone to bed early.

"Hey." As usual, she was situated at her favorite place by the tv. My dinner was on the table and I sat down to eat it while Urd continued to watch her late night tv movie. She laughed and looked over at me as I started to eat.

While holding the miso soup bowl in my hands, I pursed my lips together, looked to one side and said, "Thanks."

Turning her head again in my direction, she stuck out her tongue at me.

When I was done, I knelt down beside her head and messed up her silver hair.

"I'll let this go for today."

Then, she looked up at me and poked my forehead with her index finger. "When you were a baby, you cried all the time whenever I wanted to get close to you. I wanted to send you back. Belldandy was so much sweeter than you but then there was that time I actually was walking away from your crib and you pulled my hair. I was ready to shout out to Dad when you said, 'Ur'. You couldn't even say my whole name." She gave a small smile. "Now, I am proud that you're going to kick ass when you become First Class Unlimited by the end of the week, but will you come back to Earth soon after that? They're gonna keep you there. I just know it."

Immediately, she moved her head and pretended to indifferently look back at the tv.

I made my hands into fists and softly tapped on her head. The tears on my eyes fell into her hair. "Stupid, Urd. Stupid, stupid Urd…"

I hate how you can always do this to me...

"You're horrible. You always know how to put me in the worst positions."

"Hey, I'm half devil. What did you expect? Total sympathy?"

I burst out laughing. "Onee-chan~!"

"Heh."

I hugged her head in my arms and then ran away embarrassed.

"I still think Belldandy's cuter than you!" Urd teased.

"Mou!"

By the fifth day, I read most of the references from my sempai's book.

Keiichi and my two Onee-samas left meals in front of my door and I ate them all, but I didn't leave my room unless I had to go to the bathroom.

I was starting to panic because I was running out of time and I still couldn't get to the center of the question itself.

Paper from different places had different auras and smells. Different fonts felt like individual personalities.

I understood the lessons the books taught me. So, what more did I need?

Knock knock. "Are you okay in there, Skuld?"

"Yes, Onee-chan. Sorry, still reading."

"That's okay."

There was a brief silence. Then, she opened my door without my permission! I almost thought it was Urd!

"Onee-chan!" I was startled. She'd never done that before!

Oh…so even Belldandy Onee-chan could get nervous without knowing it too?

Her eyes looked around and found many notes, a ton of opened books, an old typewriter, stamps with ink and letters, book lists from around the world, and the most important thing: A notebooks with quotes I'd written from each book with drawings I'd made.

She put her hand over her mouth to giggle when she saw a chibi Urd and me fighting over the description: "Relying too much on one skill could make you stop from seeing all your other talents."

"I am glad you talked with many books." In the middle of the mess, she sat by me on the futon. "But did you talk to the people of those places you got these books from?"

"No…" I shook my head and felt uneasy.

My older sister shook her head. She took the book from my lap and told me, "Go. Ask these people now before you go to report your final answer to the elders."

"…I'm still missing something? Why? I've been here for days, but why doesn't it seem enough?"

She looked my hands and took them into her lap. Pressing her thumbs over my aching knuckles, she gazed for a moment at all the papercuts and colored pen marks all over my hands. Some stray strands of hair fell over her shoulder and touched my pajamas.

"Sometimes, you must throw your pride, but never yourself away. If you can't do that, you'll never progress. You can't live by yourself. Your reality is made also by the people around you."

Looking up again to my eyes, she tugged lightly on my wrists. "We're going on a trip."

We didn't transport like regular goddesses, but took the local buses and trains like everyone else. We walked into one bookshop and talked to the owner.

Then, we went to a university to check out old historical essays. We looked at signs all over the city and by mid-day, we sat on a bench together in Ueno Park.

Onee-chan handed me a sandwich and I dug in.

Suddenly, I felt calm. I didn't feel any of the agitation…all that doubt and those knots in my stomach when I first took the test nearly a week ago.

While I was eating, my sister was smiling while observing all the people around us. Her eyes glittered happily while looking at everyone's expressions and at all the different ways people glanced up at the green trees.

She ate her ham sandwich while humming like when she did the laundry and took my right hand with her left one. Her silver and gold rings pressed into my fingers.

My sister's eyes looked as if they saw so very far. "You know deep inside that you can control all this before you. That you can do anything. But that isn't why we are here. We are here to make sure that the balance of machines, books, and other things work with humans and that they give the same respect back.

"Anyone can abuse this power for selfishness, but it takes a pure heart to know you shouldn't. A person is only good when they can suffer and still smile through it all."

I looked up at the cloudless blue sky. "I used to wonder why you touched everything, why you never got truly mad at things…

"…why you sacrificed our homeland to live here with someone who wished for you, but it seems like I can't imagine you ever doing something or feeling differently as you do now.

"No matter how many people you've seen on this planet and Keiichi is the longest one you've stayed with, you never change. You can be hurt, but not killed by anything."

Belldandy Onee-chan's eyes looked up towards the sky, at the same direction as where I was looking. She held up my hand towards the sun. "Because this is one of the proofs of my existence. What I protect. What I love. Who knows who I am no matter where I may go, outside or inside myself."

She turned to me with such a deep smile. "If there is no Urd, Skuld, Keiichi, Mother, or Father…" She emphasized each name. "…there is no one called 'Belldandy'."

It was then that I saw the tears of the person next to me for the first time in my whole life. I'd seen my sister cry, get mad, grin, laugh, and become silly. But this person before me somehow was no longer my sister, but a woman: A human who fully accepted being one.

She was a woman who trusted others, and entrusted her being to them. In turn, she could protect everything around her without a single doubt in her head as to why.

It was all a part of her. And she was inside all of them too.

Gripping onto her hand, I made her stand up from the bench. Being taller, I pulled her hand even higher towards the sky.

"We don't have to go to any more places. I have to go home now. See you later." I hugged my sister and ran down the road where the sakura bloomed every year. There was a strong wind that made the leaves look like they were waving at me.

I ran while feeling that she was still calmly standing in the middle of the road with everyone passing around her.

I looked behind to see that she didn't move from her spot until she couldn't see me anymore…

Tsuzuku…/To be Continued…

Author's note: It's a funny thing how I came upon making a fic for Skuld when I think that Skuld is the hardest person for me to write because I'm quite straightforward when it comes to telling my feelings. Details and explanations are not my strong points so it is easier for me to relate to Belldandy and Urd.

But I made this fic to understand her and while writing, I started to cry at the part that suddenly came out. I didn't expect to write about Urd saying such a tender thing, but it moved me.

For me, AMG was always sweet. It's a manga that teaches people about the beauty of human nature. I hope that I can pull this off. To be honest, I'm quite nervous because this fic and this title mean so much to me.

Love, Yui