For a couple of minutes Will stood alone and dejected as her words slowly but surely sunk into his mind. He tried to think of every side to this argument and he had to admit, through everything that had happened three years ago he hadn't for one moment thought of all of this from her point of view. He'd been so damn busy feeling sorry for himself over the years that not once had he considered her hurt and pain and how their split had affected her.
He remembered back to the awful first year apart and how distraught he had been and how he had literally fallen apart. He had heard that friends had described him as a broken man and he couldn't even deny that - it had taken him many months to even venture anywhere apart from his home and the studio. Devastation didn't begin to explain his feelings during that time but all through the long, lonely nights he'd spent them in a million dollar luxury apartment with their friends all on hand for support if needed. Compare that to the fact that she had taken herself off to a warzone to get over the turmoil she'd caused and Will felt well and truly ashamed of himself and how he had felt at the time and how he'd allowed this pity to carry on since her return.
As those thoughts were spinning around his mind he suddenly thought of the growing feelings he had for Mac recently and how she must still have similar ones back for him and what had he done? Instead of working on his feelings he'd paraded beautiful young women – one after the other - through the newsroom for her to see – just to make some stupid point that he was seeing other women – that he had moved on. How pathetic had his life become?
All at once the immense power of his recent actions and her words – of what she'd said earlier suddenly hit him and for a moment he felt like the room was spinning and he had to steady himself against her desk…. Honestly, he couldn't believe just how fucking self-centred he'd been to not think of how she'd felt throughout the whole ordeal.
For a few more minutes he just stood in the semi-darkness of her office and willed himself to come up with the right answers so that he would know what the hell he could do to fix this. He was well aware that he had unresolved feelings for her still – feelings that were more than just friendship but he also knew he was no-where near ready to jump back into a full blown relationship with her – if she'd even have him that was. And then of course there was that idiot Wade on the scene… Will still couldn't get over the fact at how happy Mac seemed with him – especially if New Year's Eve was anything to go by.
Feeling a little more steady on his feet he wandered over to the window and stared at the view below – he could immediately see why Mac had chosen this spot to think before – in a way it was so calming watching everything that was going on below on the busy streets of New York – everything looked so tiny from this height and the silence was so very soothing to a troubled mind.
Damn New Year's Eve. That was when his troubles had really started - when he truly realised he would have to do something about these feelings that were invading his nights as well as his days. She looked so amazing in that dress that Will had to use all the self-control he possessed not to pull her into his arms and profess his un-dying love for her and just damn the consequences. Later in the evening when he had seen Mac slowly dancing in Wade's arms he had to leave the building and as he took a long walk home he had made his mind up that he would somehow find the courage to go and see Dr Habib again.
So okay – he might not have actually made it to the doctor's office yet but he knew he had to – there was no other choice – the woman had been causing him sleepless nights for weeks now and Will had lost count of the times he had rolled over in the night expecting to find her in his bed before realising that he had been dreaming again. There really was nothing as disappointing as finding the woman you're still apparently in love with not next to you when you wake up – the emptiness and loneliness was indescribable and was starting to take over his entire life outside of the studio.
Dragging his thoughts back to tonight, Will considered following her to her apartment to talk and to apologise but of course his wounded pride put barriers up in his brain for that idea. What if she slammed the door in his face or worse yet, what if she had Wade with her to stay the night – that really was not a vision he wanted in his head – he already had enough visions of her with other men - well one in particular - in there that could not be moved. Not really having the foggiest idea what to do next Will headed over to her desk, switched off the lamp and slowly made his way to his office without even bothering to switch any kind of light on.
In desperate need of a cigarette he made his way to his desk and it was only when the flame from his lighter lit up the office he saw a figure sitting on the sofa in the corner of his office….
"Jesus Christ Mac – you scared the shit out of me…"
"You shouldn't smoke – it's bad for you…"
Her voice sounded so lost and so forlorn that for a moment it took Will's breath away. He switched the lamp on at the corner of his desk and quickly stubbed out the cigarette without touching it – she really didn't like him smoking and the last thing he wanted to do was upset her any more…
"I thought you'd gone" he whispered as he made his way over to the sofa and sat down beside her…
"I hate fighting with you…." A tiny voice replied from beside him….
"But we do it so well…" Will joked, desperately trying to lighten the mood…
"Unfortunately, too well." Mac replied a moment later… "I don't like it Will. I want it to stop."
Her voice sounded so pitiful that Will desperately wanted to put his arm around her or hold her hand but after the hug rejection earlier he couldn't bear to have her pull herself away from him again.
"Why does this have to be so fucking hard?" she asked, a bit louder this time…
Will leant back casually against the soft sofa and sighed – she was right there and as much as he wracked his brains Will really didn't have an answer for her. After a moment or two of this horrendous silence he couldn't help himself from saying what came naturally – what he'd desperately wanted to say since her outburst earlier…
"I'm sorry Kenz." He whispered sincerely… "I really mean that… And not just for tonight…. For everything…"
Will had never found conversations like this easy to have and Mac knew that… But he'd said he was sorry so quietly that Mac wasn't sure if she'd actually heard right. She turned to look at him and just one glance at his face confirmed it for her.
Mac bit her lip and willed herself to be strong. This would normally be the part where she'd let her love for him allow him to get away with anything - but no – not tonight… In her opinion, he had to know how much he was hurting her still and that she wanted things to change between them. She took a deep breath and sat forward slightly on the sofa…
"Will – I love this job – I think you know that – but if you want me to leave ACN I will without question. If you think this will work better with me not around then, as I said earlier, you can do the same show with another producer – we can easily find someone... I don't want to stay here if it's not working..."
Will closed his eyes tightly as if that would mean he hadn't heard her – or would mean that he wouldn't have to acknowledge that he'd heard her. If he hadn't heard her then she might have not have just said that he could get another producer for the second time in four hours – something that Will couldn't even bear to think of right now – or ever.
When he opened his eyes a moment later it was to find her beautiful big brown ones gazing into his just waiting for his answer. As much as he didn't want this conversation he had to let her know that she was the heartbeat of this show – they would be nothing without her – he couldn't let her leave – he would beg on his knees if he had to…
"Mac please… I don't want you to leave. No way." Will said a moment later as he shook his head trying his best to calm his sudden racing heart down...
"Are you sure?" she replied gently… "I need you to be sure Will... We have to make this decision now..."
"Of course I'm sure." Will tried to assure her… "It is working Mac – the show is getting better and better. We're onto something here – you and me… this team we've got behind us are so smart and that's down to you Mackenzie not me. I know I'm an idiot but I'm not that much of an idiot to know you are the glue that holds us all together… We couldn't do it without you – none of us."
Will was surprised at just how easy that had been for him to say and for a moment he hoped that would be the end of it…
"But what about us Will? You and me?.. The show is fine but if I make you unhappy then…."
"Mac stop right there… You don't make me unhappy." Will interrupted sitting up as straight as her…. "I don't hate you."
"Will, I don't want to stay if you can't handle our past and us working together - that's the last thing I ever wanted."
And now the anger, hurt and vulnerability of before had gone completely and all that was left on her face was pure sorrow and disappointment…. A look that he instantly realised was a hundred times worse than the vulnerable look of earlier…
"You being here doesn't hurt me Mac… I can handle it..."
"What about the email?" she asked sheepishly, her eyes finding a spot on the wall…
"Forget the email." Will replied, gently pulling her chin around so she was facing him… "It's okay… I've forgotten it."
Mac sighed and Will was certain he saw a slight smile on her face at his words. A few moments of awkward silence passed before Mac took a deep breath and then let it out before saying anything…
"What?" Will urged – wanting to know what was she was going to say but terrified of hearing it at the same time…
"I want you to know... that when I came back I really thought we could do this Will or else I'd have never even of met Charlie for talks…. but now - I'm not so sure I did the right thing. I thought that even with everything that's happened we could make this show work - make it how it used to be but I can't do it unless I know you're with me… that you've got my back…"
"I have Mac… I thought I'd made it clear – I'm in… I told you that…"
"I know you're in on the show Will… the show is just fine. You and me - we'll always be good at that together… but what about us… I want us to be friends again…. I need that…"
"Of course we're friends" Will chuckled but Mac didn't seem to accept his words at all…
"I don't think so Will… I want the friendship we used to have – years ago before you even asked me out to dinner that first time… We used to be best of friends first Will before we were together – I want that friendship back – that's what made us so good on the show…"
"I thought it was the sex that made us so good!" Will joked and the chuckle that followed showed he was truly joking….
Mac giggled and even blushed slightly… "Well, that wasn't too bad either!" she replied giggling again…
Will smiled remembering the times she was talking about before they were dating… Sure they were always good friends first but she still probably didn't know just how much he was in love with her before he even asked her out to dinner that first time. Feeling brave Will reached for her hand and was so relieved when she didn't pull it away from him…
"We'll always be friends Mac – always… I don't have anyone else that I would count as good a friend as you…" Will whispered and he hoped Mackenzie would believe his true feelings because he really did mean it…
"Even after the email?"
"Forget the damn email Mackenzie!" Will replied dropping her a cheeky wink…. "Honestly Kenz… Apart from Charlie, I count you the only real friend I have these days and if I don't show that often enough – then I'm sorry…."
Mac smiled for the first time since their conversation started and squeezed his hand before she took it out of his hands and rested it back on her own lap…. "Okay." She whispered, as if finally satisfied with his answer, and leant back on the sofa tucking her legs under herself.
Will thought she looked so settled, like she would be there for a while so he followed her lead and leant back against the comfortable sofa. A moment later he turned his body and faced her, slightly relieved that she had at least accepted what he'd said but still he wanted to say something about what she'd said in her office earlier to show he had been thinking about what she'd said.
How to start the conversation though – that was always the tough thing for Will. Part of him almost wished he was as bullish as Mac – he sometimes longed to be able to just attack conversations head on like she did. He left it a moment and then just decided to go for it…
"Mac…." She looked up at him and he knew then and there he had to continue – the look on her face was so adorable at that moment that he just wanted to ease as much of her pain as he possibly could… "What you said Mac - about how you was hurt too… I truly am sorry about that…."
Mac shook her head slightly and bit her lower lip in that adorable way she always had…. "I shouldn't have said all that Will… I'm sorry… I just got angry…"
"Don't be sorry." Will said immediately… "Honestly Mac… I've been selfish…. I've never stopped to think of things from your point of view… I was too busy feeling sorry for myself in all of this…. As usual I was being a dick…"
As he finished Will felt dreadfully embarrassed and was suddenly desperate for this conversation to end – he couldn't remember a time when he felt as self-conscious with her and he didn't like it one little bit.
"Can we start this friendship lark again?" Mac whispered a moment later, making sure she got eye contact with him…
Will smiled and nodded straight away… "I'd like that Mac – very much."
"And I'm sorry too…" Mac added in a heartbeat - referring to how this conversation had started ten minutes ago… "For everything in the past Will."
She waited a moment and saw him nodding his approval… "This is my last apology though Will… I can't keep saying it…"
Will picked her hand up and nodded his head again… "I don't want you to keep saying it Mac… I just have to…" he sighed and took a deep breath and closed his eyes again… "I just have to sort it all out in my damn head…."
"I know." Mac whispered quietly… "I know…."
"I want to sort it though Mac I really do – I want us to move on – to forget it all and to forgive… It was all such a shock for me… you coming back… At least you had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea…" Will mumbled and Mac had to admit he had a point there – she had rather surprised him to say the least.
And then there was silence - a kind of peaceful silence and Will for one was really pleased that this conversation seemed to have come to an end and indeed ended happier than it started…
Mac laid her hand on his knee and smiled a timid smile… "I could really do with that hug if it's still on offer…" Mac whispered a moment or two later…
Will didn't need asking twice… He shuffled a little bit towards her and pulled her into his arms and marvelled at how it felt like it was the most natural thing in the world. Her hands instantly wrapped around his back and her head automatically found the spot in the crook of his neck that it always had gone to before. Will was certain that he heard the deepest of sighs leave her mouth and he knew what that sigh meant for he felt it too – it meant it just felt so good to be here like this - holding each other - after all this time.
Unfortunately, their brains kicked into action a few moments later and they pulled away slowly both feeling like they had taken a giant leap in their relationship in the last hour.
"Well… I suppose we should get out of here." Mac said brightly as she stood up – a lot happier than at any point over the past few months – hell –years even…
Will nodded but didn't say anything and watched Mac as she gathered her bag up and reached for his jacket from the coat stand next to her… "You coming?" she asked – the bright cheery Mac so evidently back in action….
Will stood and took his jacket and headed towards the office door as Mac switched out the lamp... As she appoached him he stopped suddenly… he turned and offered her his best dazzling smile in the hope she'd answer yes to his question…. "Fancy getting a bite to eat? – just between friends of course" he asked.. "It's Saturday night after all…"
Mac didn't say anything for a moment and Will could sense something whirring around her mind… He closed his eyes at his stupidity the moment he realised he'd completely forgotten about Wade again…. "I'm sorry" he muttered… "You've probably got plans with Wade right?..."
Mac noticed the disappointment on his face and she knew couldn't turn him down…. "No – not anything definite – he knows I'm at work after today's events." she replied… "A bite to eat between friends sounds wonderful…"
Will smiled and opened the door for her and felt his heart leap a little in his chest as she linked her arm through his as they strolled through their newsroom.
"Where we off to then?" she asked with that adorable giggle of hers firmly back in place…
"Anywhere you want and it's my treat." He replied feeling more alive than he had for months.
Okay – so this was only a dinner between friends Will reminded himself – nothing like a date but he did feel for the first time since she'd been back that they actually stood a chance at something more in the future… Obviously way in the future Will thought to himself but he still couldn't hide the happiness he felt as he sat down to dinner with her twenty minutes later….
Will smiled as the waiter bought them both a glass of wine a few minutes after they'd sat down side by side in a booth…. "To friendship" he toasted as he raised his glass to hers…
"To friendship" Mac agreed with a smile a mile wide across her face.
Okay - so it seems I can't be as evil as I'd thought I could be but I'm very proud of myself that I didn't turn into it fluffy fluffy fluff for the first time ever at the end of a story! :)
Hope you've enjoyed this short story...
Katy
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