Chapter 2: Beer Quest

Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, its Stephanie Meyer's, I just figured out a realistic way for her vampires to get drunk!

Last time: "It was time to set my plan in action," I chuckled...

Emmett's POV

First stop, the liquor store. Since I was mauled by a bear at eighteen, I've never actually bought alcohol before, but I have been to the grocery store before to get stuff for Bella to eat. No problem, just act natural. I walked in calmly and went toward the back of the store where the clerk couldn't see me very well. I looked through the rows and found some Budweiser; I'd seen commercials for it on TV, so someone likes it I guess.

I piled at least ten twelve-packs of beer into my basket, which admittedly I should have thought about how much that would weigh and what the other customers would think about my strange strength- oh well, I was on a mission and I'm sure everyone else would be able to help me cover it up later. The beer weight problem occurred to me about halfway through the store, so I carried it the rest of the way to the check-out counter pretending they were a little heavy. 'Hey, I have muscles. It's not like I'm Alice or anything... She'll get me back for thinking that, won't she...?' I put it on the counter and gazed around absentmindedly. Then my eyes caught a sign on the wall behind the guy. It said, "No Alcohol will be sold to anyone under 21. You must show a photo ID at purchase."

I cursed under my breath. I forgot all about that- according to my driver's license I was 18! I knew there was a reason I wanted to go to college this time around!

When the cashier wasn't looking, I moved my wallet at vampire speed to my inside jacket pocket. Then at human speed reached into the back pocket of my jeans then the other and said, "Shoot, I must have left my wallet in my car. I'll go get it."

Then I walked out and went to my jeep, took out my wallet, got out my driver's license and went to work.

Within five minutes I had changed the date and corresponding sections on my license to say I was born a few years earlier and got my license four years sooner than it did before. I double-checked my work- not my best, but no one short of the CIA could tell the difference.

I went back in. The clerk was already piling up my beers to be restocked. Then he noticed me. He seemed surprised I came back, 'guess most people who forget their IDs don't usually come back.' He recovered and started ringing them back up. He finished and I showed him my license in triumph. Surprisingly, he only looked at it for a minute then nodded. To be honest with myself, I was expecting a lot more drama and scrutiny. 'It's like taking beer from a pimply adolescent.' I chuckled as I left the store. All thoughts of worry over the weight of the beer being suspicious was lost as I swung them around cheerfully on my way back to my precious jeep.

Placing the beer in the back and starting the car up, I went over my strategy. The plan was simple: drink like ten times more beer than the normal amount needed to get a human drunk for my height and weight and then see what happens. After that I would re-evaluate the 'situation' and if needed, activate plan B. There was a good chance Rose would not agree with plan B, so it wasn't really something I was looking forward to.

About halfway back to the house, I pulled over to the side of the road, the thought of crushing Jasper at this bet getting the better of me. Wiggling one can out of the cardboard box from my spot in the driver's seat- which is a skill, let me tell you- I opened the first beer and was about to start drinking when I remembered what Edward told me before leaving the house, "If this involves police leave Charlie out of it." If, on the off-chance I did get drunk, getting a DUI and potentially wrecking my car would definitely get Charlie involved. I would have to weigh my options. And so began my mental deliberation:

'Hmm, maybe I should try this out somewhere else.

The chances of it actually working are pretty slim though, so it shouldn't be a problem driving-wise and the distance is close enough I could just run it. I mean. I'm a vampire. There's not much around here that I couldn't run to...

But a good amount of distance would make it easier to keep my attempt a secret from Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper if this doesn't work and then I would have an easier transition into plan B. Plus, I still remember what Edward did last time I did something he told me directly not to do and since he's been hanging out with Bella, his revenge has gotten a lot more creative.

Also... I don't actually know what alcohol would do to a vampire. I mean, sure. I know what it would do to a human but that's different. It gets rid of inhibitions, right? What if... ... Okay, out of town it is. Maybe I can find a cave somewhere.'

I started my jeep back up and headed for the highway, 'After I make sure this doesn't cause me to freak out and be a danger to anyone, I think I'll go to Seattle. Knowing Jasper, he's going to want some proof that the stuff actually makes me drunk. Seattle should be far enough away and big enough to have breathalyzers in the cop cars and maybe the news won't travel all the way back to Forks,' I thought mischievously. 'Plus, I can pick up some more beer on the way if the first try doesn't work out and this way I won't be as suspicious buying beer close to town.'

So I headed North. Luckily there was a cave up in the mountains near the Canadian border; I came across it last time I went hunting and it should be perfect for my trial run. Hopefully a hundred and twenty beers should get something to happen. I mean, come on. That's enough to fill a swimming pool... I think. Actually, don't quote me on that.

Surprise! The cave was just like I left it. Boring. But that's okay because I had a job to do! Once again I thanked my vampire strength for making this possible as I parked my jeep, like, two miles away and if I didn't have super strength, well. Jasper would have already won and I can't have that!

Finding a nice, relaxing spot amongst the boulders in the back, I tossed back the first beer. Apparently too fast. I didn't taste anything and literally nothing changed. I then tried to go slower on the second one and found out why people take shots. It was sour, stale, and tasted like it had just sat for days under a rotting pack of beef jerky. 'Note to self: don't buy food there again. It might make Bella sick...,' I thought, but then the aftertaste kicked in. 'Correction. It will make Bella sick and is probably the worst way to die. I need some better beer... or maybe just chug them. That worked for the first one!' Actually, considering I was a vampire and Human food is usually the most disgusting thing on the planet, it kind of freaked me out that I could actually taste this stuff. 'Definitely not for Bella...' It occurred to me after the first case was finished that I might be limited in my ability to buy mass amounts of alcohol, so I would probably have to conserve what I had while picking up more supplies later. I only had forty eight hours after all. Now it was more like thirty two.

So far, no ill effects. I had waited too. Nothing. Well, except for the inability to really process the stuff and so all twelve cans worth of alcohol was threatening to come back up again. That really should have been my first clue that Plan A wasn't going to go as planned. Ehh, who pays attention to warnings?

I reached Seattle in a matter of minutes. I was going fast, even for me. I was so excited to get this done! It was going to be great and I was soo going to win the bet. Seeing the shocked look on Jasper's face was going to be the second best thing ever! Falling short of only 'the usual'.

I parked next to a small park somewhere in the city. I got out but there was people watching- like literally watching me as if I was some bird or something, those weirdos need a new hobby- so I walked at a frustratingly human speed to the back trunk to get the beer out, went back to the front, put them in the passenger seat then shut the door.

'Finally, I don't have to move at human pace anymore.' I cracked open the cans and drank them at vampire speed. Six cans, two cases, five cases...

'I don't get what's so addicting about them, they taste awful. Kind of like bad tasting medicine mixed with tar and a hint of mud.' I drank them all down though, but I didn't feel any effects. 'Aren't I suppose to feel light headed or wobbly or something!?'

'Maybe I need more.' I went to five more stores in Seattle and three in Port Angles. I bought ten more six-packs at each and still nothing!

'Perhaps I am drunk and just don't know it... Only one way to find out!' I started hunting for a police officer. They're always arresting people, right? So clearly they'd be able to tell for sure.

After twenty minutes, I was getting frustrated. 'What, is there some sort of cop meeting? I am in Seattle and can't find a single cop car! I wish Edward were here. His talent might actually be use full instead of annoying right about now!'

Lucky me, I finally ran into a cop car. Not literally, but for as much as I was trying to get his attention, I might as well have. I pulled in front of him and the road was clear so I really hammed it up. I swerved back and forth across the three lanes while going at least 15 mph over the speed limit. For the cherry on top, I turned up the radio and did my absolute worst impression of 'Barbie Girl'. Under normal circumstances, I'll have you know, I am an excellent singer. Four time champion of vocals on Rockband, if I do say so myself. Like they say, desperate times call for desperate measures.

The cop, proving that negligence wasn't so far gone from the Seattle police as I had feared earlier when I couldn't find a single one, turned on his sirens. I pulled over to the side of the road and he pulled over behind me. Then the police man, some guy in his mid-forties with a receding hairline and a comically curly mustache, came over to my window and knocked on it.

I rolled it down and gave him a drunken smile like they do in the movies. "Is there a problem officer?" I asked in a drunken voice. Or at least it was my best impression of one. Sometimes I wonder why I've never done drama at any of my stints in high school over the years. I think I'd be pretty good at it actually. Probably beat the other chumps' performances out of the water!

"Have you been drinking tonight?" He asked.

"No sir," I replied. This guy's dialogue was about as standard as it came. 'Note to self: use movies as evidence of human interaction more often.'

"Well, we'll see," he drawled. This guy was probably the most lax guy I have ever met! On the other hand it was about 2 am and we were the only ones on the road. Oh well, either way this guy liked taking his sweet time. Which was good for my nerves, but sucked for actually waiting. He went back to his car and I was twitching with joy- now's the decisive moment. He came back with the breathalyzer machine. He asked me to blow out hard. I blew out at a human version of hard- well, I thought it was anyways, these things are hard to judge... 'What is human after all... Huh. Well, at least I know why I'm not going to ever major in Psychology or Philosophy.'

It beeped and I stopped blowing. Hah! See, I was paying attention after all. "Well I'll be," said the officer, pushing his hat back.

Poor guy's probably never seen a vampire drunk before. Understandable. I was probably the first who had the guts to try after all- drinking the stuff alone was a challenge. The expression which dawned on his face broke me from my musings. 'No. It can't be.' I groaned, already anticipating the officer's next words.

"It says you don't have any alcohol in your system!" Welp. Plan A was a bust. Plan B it is.

AN: Ok, I'd like to thank BloodSinger95 and mrsjaspercullen95 for reviewing and giving me feedback :)

Please review! Don't you want to know How Emmett's getting out of this and Why it didn't work?!