M2S-489 is one of those gorgeous, foresty planets that look like something out of a fantasy geek's wet dream. Big, towering almost-pines, wide meadows filled with wild flowers, majestic blue mountains in the distance. Dr. Lee from SGC pays us support staff a bounty for every set of pictures we send him. We're happy to do so, because the guy's real, you know? Well, that and the money's good.

Anyway, the planet is damn near perfect. The soil's great, it rains frequently enough that water's not an issue, and there're no man-eating monsters that we can't handle. I mean, there's some sort of freaky snake-lamprey thing that will attach itself to its prey and burrow its way through the flesh as it eats, but that makes a distinctive grinding sound before it strikes, so it's easy to avoid. There's also a massive meat-eating plant that uses its vines to snag prey, but it smells like decomposing flesh, so anyone with any sort of working olfactory sense can avoid it.

The stargate is located in the middle of one of those perfect meadows, and I could feel my spirits lift as I looked around. The air was crystal clear, and the morning sunlight was warm on my skin. Behind me, McKay began to slap at his arms.

"Are there mosquitos here? I think there are mosquitos here!"

"Does the Pegasus galaxy even have mosquitos?" Sheppard asked.

"I don't know, but something's biting me!"

I pulled a stick of insect repellant from one of my numerous pockets and handed it to McKay.

"Oh hey, thanks," he said happily, rubbing it vigorously over his arms and face. He glared at Sheppard. "At least someone here is prepared!"

"You didn't bring any either," Sheppard pointed out.

""Well I couldn't. I used the last of it on M2S-338 last week. Remember, that planet with all the swamps?"

"How could I forget?" Sheppard groaned. "I didn't know alligators could get that big."

"Pretty good eating, though," Ronon rumbled.

"They really were," McKay agreed. He turned to me. "Hey Fin, you think if we brought one back, you guys could cook it up?"

"Yeah, so long as you bring it back already filleted," I replied. "The last time one of the teams brought back something for us to prepare, it wasn't totally dead, just biding it's time. Took us ages to get all of Peters out of the vents." Still haven't found his left foot.

We passed through the meadow and entered the forest. Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon grew silent and watchful. The leaves formed a thick canopy overhead, and the soft mulch underfoot deadened any sound we made, giving the place an eerie, surreal feel. The hairs on my arms stood on end. I had been there before, and I didn't remember the place being to spooky. Even McKay shut up, glancing around nervously. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when we stepped out of the trees and into the small valley where the patch is located. Well, maybe not Ronon, but then I'm pretty sure there's something just not right about that guy, no matter how delicious a slab of man-meat he is. Seriously, those muscles? And those abs? Ahem. Moving on...

As I said, the valley's small, maybe a kilometer long and almost as wide, surrounded by be steep forested hills on two sides, the treeline behind us, and a sheer drop-off at the far end. A narrow stream ran through the middle, providing clear, fresh water. Sheppard looked around appreciatively.

"If I had known about this place, I'd have skipped my last vacation to Vancouver, and just come here instead," he said. "Perfect place for a few rounds of golf."

Teyla smiled and rolled her eyes. Sheppard's golf obsession is well known.

"Stupid sport," Ronon said. "What's the point of hitting little balls around with a stick?"

"See, you're just not getting the subtleties of the game," Sheppard argued. "It takes skill."

"Yeah, whatever." How does Teyla put up with this every day without screaming?

"God, I'm starving," McKay said. "They replaced the tater tots with some sort of root soup this morning, so all I had was eggs and sausage. Are we almost there?"

I opened another pocket and handed McKay a stick of string cheese. He took it eagerly.

"Thanks!" he said around a mouthful of cheese. Thank you, Radek, I thought. I swear if you get me through this without going homicidal on McKay, kolaches will be on the menu every damn day for a month.

"So what exactly are we doing here?" Ronon asked.

"We're retrieving data from the sensors Major Lorne's team planted last year," Teyla answered. "We're also supposed to be taking environmental readings and testing the soil and water for any trace contaminants."

"We're also looking for any sign of ozone depletion and global warming," Sheppard added.

"I wouldn't mind a little global warming here," McKay said, rubbing his arms. "It's really nippy here. I should have brought a thicker jacket. I'm susceptible to chest colds. God, I thought I caught pneumonia after Tunney's stupid presentation. I just heard from him. He tried trademarking the term 'freeze lightning', and is upset that I registered it first. Can you believe the nerve of- Hey, thanks!"

"Don't mention it," I muttered as he took a bite of the candy bar I had handed him. Ronon dropped back to walk beside me.

"You're feeding him to get him to shut up, aren't you?" he chuckled. Ah, so the big guy has some brains to go with that brawn. Who would have suspected?

"Dr. Zelenka made the suggestion," I admitted. Ronon grinned, then eyed my pack.

"Do you have any-" he began. I handed him a small packet.

"Peppered beef jerky," I said. "Radek mentioned you developed a taste for it on Earth."

"I'll have to have Sheppard bring you along more often."

"Rather you didn't."

We reached the vegetable patch, and I dropped my pack. Teyla and Ronon headed to the eastern border to find the sensors, while Sheppard and McKay went west. I pulled out my testing kit, and spent the next several hours taking samples from each vegetable and running them against the data stored in my tablet, looking for any sign of toxins or genetic mutations. Apparently a patch on another planet developed vegetables capable of defending themselves when threatened. Little Shop of Horrors was referenced in the report.

"How's it going?" Sheppard asked from behind me. I squeaked and jumped slightly, nearly dropping my tablet.

"Just going over the preliminary test results," I said, clinging to the tattered shreds of my dignity. "Everything checks out normal, except for this small inconsistency here." I pointed to the chart on my screen. Sheppard leaned over and peered at the data, then shrugged.

"Anything we need to worry about?" he asked.

"Well, it's not a toxin," I hedged. "The results are reading as safe for consumption. I just won't know exactly what this anomaly is until I get the data and the samples to the botany department. Once they clear it, we can start growing more of the produce Atlantis needs here."

"Great," he said. "You ready for lunch? McKay claims his blood sugar is low. Again."

The five of us settled into the grass a few yards away from the patch and pulled out our MREs. It's been years since I tasted one, and I still had nightmares about the experience. The label reading 'Soy beef and creamed spinach' did nothing to assuage my fears. McKay and Ronon looked equally dubious.

"You got anything to make these taste better, Fin?" Sheppard asked, staring at his packet in disgust.

"There is nothing in the universe that will make that cheese-and-tofu-omelet-in-a-bag palatable, sir."

Ronon's eyes narrowed, and he stood quickly. Without a word, he loped away to a small stand of trees.

"Where's he off to?" Sheppard asked.

"His Roney senses must be tingling," McKay grumbled. "Who the hell thought up chicken loaf and peas?"

A loud grinding sound came from the tree stand, followed by the sound of Ronon's energy pistol going off.

"You okay there, Ronon?" Sheppard called. Ronon emerged, holding the limp body of a headless lamprey-snake.

"Got better food," he called back. "They don't taste like much, but they're better than those things."

Ronon strode back to us, and tossed the snake in front of us.

"Dig in," he offered, lowering himself to the grass. He slit open the skin, exposing white flesh.

"I'm not sure that's much better, buddy," Sheppard said, looking ill. "Any suggestions from the cook?"

"I can probably to something with that," I said, pulling a collapsible bowl from my pack. "Dr. McKay, would you be so kind as to grab me a tomato and an onion from the patch?"

I scooped the meat into the bowl, and as soon as McKay's back was turned, I doused it with lemon juice and Tabasco.

"You carry lemon juice and hot sauce with you?" Ronon asked.

"For just this sort of situation." When travelling to distant planet, it is important to know where your lemon juice and hot sauce are. And your towel.

"I may be wrong," Teyla said, with the inflection of one who knows she isn't, "but isn't Rodney allergic to citrus?"

"Nope," I said. "Just grapefruits. We've been adding citrus to everything for years. Dr. Beckett is big on vitamin C."

"Are you sure?" Sheppard asked.

"Major Perry got Dr Beckett the First extremely drunk and swiped Dr. McKay's medical record. We're very sure. Just grapefruit." Which was a real relief. Accommodating allergies is fine. Hypochondria, not so much. "Say nothing, and there will be brats and beer next week."

McKay came back with the vegetables, and I quickly diced them and added them to the meat. A bit of cilantro from my samples, and we had alien snake-thing ceviche, which was a hell of a lot better than those MRE abominations.

"Doesn't ceviche have lemon in it?" McKay asked, his mouth full.

"Nope," I lied.

After lunch we packed up and began the walk back to the gate. It was mid afternoon at this point, and the shadows were beginning to lengthen. The woods were colder than they should have been, and I shivered as we made our way through. There was something dangerous in these woods, at least according to that ancient sixth sense that told our ancestors that a sabre-tooth tiger was about to make kitty chow out of them. The upside was, we were so on edge that we heard the gate activate before we reached the treeline.

"Stay here," Ronon said quietly, putting a massive paw on my shoulder. McKay stopped beside me, and we watched Ronon, Teyla, and Sheppard creep over to the edge of the meadow. They stood hidden in the shadows for several minutes, then rejoined us.

"Looks like there's going to be trouble after all," Sheppard said ruefully. "We've got a full tribe of Bola Kai warriors between us and the gate."

See? This here! This here is why I didn't want to come!