After months of not hearing from the Shepherds, Addison decided to hold off on telling them about her pregnancy. She had a hard time coming to terms with it herself, despite all the encouragement and support from her family. She found herself unable to returned to New York with Derek, she got all the way to the front steps of their Brownstone but couldn't walk in knowing he was gone. Seattle had never been home to her. For the first time in her life Addison did not know where she would call home. She ended up renting an apartment in a luxury building not far from her parents and refused every time they asked her to move in. It wasn't until her 32nd week that she decided living with them may be necessary. Taking care of herself and her baby while mourning her husband was difficult and she needed people around her to support her if she were to go into labor.

"I'm really glad that you decided to stay with us for the last few weeks of your pregnancy." Bizzy mumbled as she and Addison sat at a table for lunch after one of her prenatal appointments. "Babies are hard. It's good that you won't be doing it alone." she said, trying to start a conversation. It wasn't exactly easy to get Addison to open up and Bizzy knew it was because she had raised her that way. Trying to get a word out of Addison since Derek's death had been impossible.

"Yeah...alone." she mumbled, still trying to process the fact that she was just weeks away from giving birth to a baby she had made with someone who was currently dead. He had never known about the child. Never told her what he would want to name the child or what dreams he would have for the child. He left her to figure it all out on her own.

"Your father is so excited, Addie, he is having so much fun planning that nursery. He always loved that part. He did it for you and Archer too. He absolutely loves babies." Bizzy told her daughter.

Addison just nodded quietly. She didn't have the heart to tell her mother that she wasn't sure if she would be staying with them. Unbeknownst to anyone, she was considering leaving Connecticut after her baby was born so she could actually learn to move on with her life and create a new sense of normalcy.

"Are you going to say something at some point?"

"It's a boy." she whispered.

"Yes, Addie, you've known that since week 16. It's week 35. You've have a very long time to process that."

"But did you see him? On the 3D ultrasound. He looked like an actual person. Did you see the yawn? He yawned inside of me like a real person. And at the end he put his little thumb in his mouth and went to sleep...Its just so real now. If that thing showed anymore detail I'd probably be staring at a mini Derek. What if he's born and he looks just like Derek? How am I supposed to deal with that?"

"Well, he is Derek's son so that's a very real possibility."

"But how do I deal with it? Looking at my baby and seeing his dead father?"

"I don't know." Bizzy mumbled.

"You really suck at this." Addison told her bluntly.

"Excuse me?"

"At being maternal, being comforting. You can't even lie to make me feel better for a couple of minutes."

"I pride myself on my honesty, I'm not about to lie to you and tell you that bringing this child into the world will be easy on you." Bizzy told her with a very straight face.

Addison groaned. "Lunch with you was easier when I could drink through it."

"Don't worry, dear, I'll drink enough for both of us."


37 weeks into her pregnancy Addison decided that she could not hide the truth from Derek's mother. Derek was her only son and she was bearing Derek's only child. His mother and sisters had a right to know so they could choose if they wanted to be a part of the child's life. With that in mind she arranged to meet with Carolyn over lunch, a neutral domain to make it less awkward for both of them.

"Addison." Carolyn greeted as she approached the booth Addison was already seated at. "I'm surprised you're still in Connecticut."

"I obviously wasn't going to go back to Seattle. It never really felt like home...but going to New York felt wrong so I'm sticking around for a while until I figure out what to do." she explained.

"You're living with your parents?"

Addison chuckled. "Yes, I got a place of my own for a few months but then I went back. I couldn't do it alone. I needed help." she explained quietly. She considered adding that she had not lived alone since long before she got married. She moved in with Derek after dating him for six months and before that she was living with Naomi and before that she lived with Savvy throughout college. There was also the two months she lived with Mark after Derek left her but that was something that she definitely did not want her mother-in-law to know.

"That's good that you have them to help you forget." Carolyn said with a nod.

"It doesn't help me forget." she stated firmly and clearly. "I'm never going to be able to forget."

"I'm sure you will. He wasn't your child. Eventually it won't matter so much."

"Mrs. Shepherd, he may have not been my child but he was my husband. I shared a life with him for over a decade. He was my best friend. I trusted him and loved him more than I've ever trusted or loved anyone."

Carolyn tried not to make a snide comment at that remark.

"I made a mistake." Addison continued. "I'll never be able to explain how sorry I am. I told Derek every single day. Every. single. day. I don't know if he really understood, I don't know if he ever forgave me. I don't know if he ever loved me again after that day, if he ever trusted me again. All I know is that I made sure he knew how I felt. I'd tell him I love him every day, usually more than once a day, right after I'd tell him how sorry I am. I don't know if he believed me but I hope he did."

"Amelia says you were happy toward the end."

"We were content. We were finally settled, trying to move forward. We weren't fighting, we weren't ignoring one another. It was good. I was happy. I hope he was too."

"But you're not sure."

"No, I'm not. Realistically, maybe we were not fighting because Derek's didn't care to fight anymore. Maybe he was just letting the marriage run its course before it ended." Addison murmured. There was a silent paused while they both stared down at their plates. Finally Addison took a deep breath and mustered up the courage she needed to say, "I actually wanted to meet with you because I have something to tell you."

Carolyn looked up, one brow suspiciously raised. She was preparing herself to hear that her son's widow was already dating, maybe ever engaged to another man. She knew it may happen at some point but hoped she be out of Addison's life by then so she wouldn't have to know about it.

"Derek and I...we uh…" she paused. She always wondered how they would break the news of pregnancy to their parents and now she was at a loss of words. "Derek and I um, slept together a few nights before the accident."

"Okay?" Carolyn said strangely, unsure of why she was being given such personal information. "I'm glad that you had a chance to um… pleasure my son before he died?" she said with a questioning tone.

"No, no… I didn't mean to imply that." Although he was very satisfied that night, she thought to herself. Addison put her head in her hands and took a few seconds to collect her thoughts before looking at her mother-in-law. "What I meant to say is that I'm pregnant. Very pregnant. 37 weeks."

Carolyn speechlessly stared at Addison.

"I thought you'd take one look at me and know." she added, gesturing to herself with her hands.

Carolyn pushed herself up on her seat to get a look at the very pregnant belly the table had been covering. "Well, you were fuller in the face and breasts but I thought maybe you coped by eating…"

"I don't use food to deal with my emotions. I found out a few weeks after the funeral. Derek obviously never knew. I'm not sure how he would feel about it. I'm sure he knew it was a possibility because we weren't exactly being careful toward the end but we never outright stated that we were trying for a baby. A part of me hopes that he'd be happy. He would have been a great father."

"Yes, he would have." Carolyn agreed.

"It's a boy." Addison continued. "Ready to come out any time now.

Carolyn couldn't bring herself to look at Addison as she spoke. She tried to digest all of the information being given to her but it was difficult. She had been pushing Derek about having kids when he was still in New York and a happily married resident. She'd been waiting since their wedding for a pregnancy announcement. She may have not been a fan of Addison's but there was never a doubt that their combined chromosomes would be some type of genetic goldmine. They would have beautiful children. She dreamed of holding her only son's child, the next generation of Shepherds in her arms but she never thought it would be under these circumstances. She knew it couldn't be easy on Addison either but she couldn't bring herself to get passed her own anxiety.

"Congratulations." Carolyn finally brought herself to say when all other words failed her. She really had no idea how else to react to the news.

"Look, I'm not telling you this so you have something else to stress over. I can take care of this baby on my own. I have the means to make sure that he grows up as happy and healthy as possible. I'm only telling you so you know of his existence. You can choose to be a part of his life, you can choose not to. It's completely up to you."

Carolyn was still speechless. The fact that her son never knew he was going to be a father hurt her. "I don't know what to say." she finally admitted. "I need some time to process this."

Addison nodded understandingly. "It took me a while to process it too. I know its not easy." she responded to her mother-in-law. "Don't feel obligated, okay? Just choose what you think is best for you." she urged gently, not wanting the woman to feel trapped into a commitment.

"Addison, this is my only son's only child. Of course I want to be a part of his life. This child will be the only living, breathing reminder we have left of Derek." Carolyn told Addison, reaching out to place her hand over Addison's on the table. "It's a lot to take in and I need some time for it to really sink in but I don't need to think about it. We will all be there for this baby every step of the way."

"Thank you." Addison whispered, giving Carolyn a grateful smile.

"I should get going. I have Kathleen dropping off the kids after school." Carolyn said as she got up from her seat. "I'll call you to find out the due date. I want to be prepared for the birth of my grandson."

Addison nodded, watching as her former mother-in-law quickly exited the busy cafe. A part of her knew not to get her hopes up, she knew that Carolyn may have felt obligated to give the reaction she gave. She knew that it wasn't all so simply and easy. Another part of her hoped that her mother-in-law was genuinely happy to discover that Derek was having a child. She knew her son would grow up never knowing his father, she wanted him to know where his father came from to make up for that.


"Addison." Bizzy said in surprise when she walked into the dark kitchen at 4:30 am. "What are you doing sitting here in the dark at this hour?" she asked as she walked toward the refrigerator for a bottle of water.

Addison shrugged. "Why are you dressed so fancy so early in the morning? You can come down for water in your pajamas, you know? You don't have to change."

"I am not here just to get water. I am actually heading out. The charity ball is tonight, remember? In Chicago. I had to move up my flight, there are a few last minute things to do before the event so I have to get there early. Susan is coming with me but we'll be back tomorrow. Your father is in Boston for a conference but all of the staff will be on duty. Just let them know if you need anything." She answered. "Now will you tell me why you're sitting here staring into space?"

"Thinking."

"Thinking? At 4:30 am in a dark kitchen?" Bizzy asked, looking at her daughter as if she's lost her sanity. "What exactly are you thinking about that couldn't wait until morning?"

"I'm in labor." Addison whispered."I think I'm in labor. I'm not sure. I've been feeling cramps and pressure in my abdomen since midnight."

"Why didn't you say something sooner, dear? I would have cancelled my trip and we could have called your father so he'd be back. You should be at the hospital! Did your water break?"

"No. Not yet."

"Yet?" Bizzy asked. "So you're sitting here on my custom made casual dining set made of imported mahogany and waiting for your water to break all over it and my imported Italian marble flooring? Come on, let me help you to the car. The chauffeur that was going to take me to the jet is already outside. I'll have Susan stay behind and pack your bag and bring it to the hospital."

"I don't want to go to the hospital."

"Addie, you really don't have that choice right now, dear. Your baby is ready to come and he's not going to wait."

"I'm not ready. I'm scare. I don't want to do this."

Bizzy signed sympathetically. She took a seat on the chair adjacent to Addison. "What are you scared of?" she asked softly.

"I'm scared of doing this alone. That was never in my plans. I'm scared of being a bad mother. I'm scared of not being able to look at my son without dying a little more inside. It's just too much to deal with and I'm not ready."

Bizzy reached out and placed her hand over Addison's. "I know this is scary. I was terrified when I went into labor with you and you're my second. I know its scary. I know there are so many thoughts and worries going through your mind but it will all work out. Once you hold that little boy in your arms everything will fall into place. I know its hard now, it will be hard for a while maybe, but you'll get through this. Trust me, dear."

Addison slowly nodded her head, biting her lower lip to keep from screaming from the increasing pressure in her abdomen. "It hurts." she whimpered.

"I know, I know it does." Bizzy replied softly, getting up from the chair. "Let me get someone to help you to the car and meanwhile I'll go tell Susan to pack your bag, cancel my trip and meet us at the hospital."

Addison nodded again, watching as Bizzy quickly left the room to ask their personal chauffeur's assistance. She cringed, shutting her eyes tightly to battle the pain. She opened her eyes suddenly, her cheeks starting to blush in embarrassment at the sudden wetness between her legs. "Bizzy!" she called after her mother. "You may want to wake the maids while you're at it. I think I just ruined your chair and you're not going to be too thrilled about what's on the floor."


1. Happy 2014 everyone!

2. Thank you for the reviews. I'm so glad that my first story with a dead main character isn't a complete failure.

3. This story will be 4 chapters. I'm almost done with chapter 4 so updates won't be too delayed.

4. Please please please please review. Please. And let me know if you find any typos that I may have missed.

5. Thanks for reading :D