"Hi, Red! I brought the ice cream!" exclaimed Harley as Poison Ivy opened the door. Harley immediately seized her in a violent hug. "How you holding up, baby?"

"I told you I was fine, Harley," retorted Ivy, slightly irritated. "You didn't have to come over."

"But I wanted to come over, Red," replied Harley. "You always pretend to be so strong and independent, but I know you must be just heartbroken over this. It's ok, you can tell me the truth. And don't you worry. I've got a great plan so Harvey will want you back – it always works when Mr. J dumps me. All you gotta do is get down on your knees and say it's all your fault and promise never to do it again and beg him to take you back, and they usually give in. You have to keep at it, though – they don't always say yes the first time. But if you just don't give up, they don't really have a choice."

"The truth is I'm fine," said Ivy. "I don't want Harvey to take me back. He didn't dump me. It was a mutual thing, like I said. And I don't want to be rude after you've come all this way, Harley, but do you think you could beat it? I'm expecting company."

"Company?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "Who…"

The doorbell rang and Ivy opened it, beaming at the attractive man standing there. "Hi, c'mon in. Harley, this is Craig. Craig, Harley, who's just leaving."

Harley stared from him to Ivy in disbelief. "I don't understand…" she began.

"She doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to," replied Craig, smiling. "The more the merrier."

Ivy's face suddenly fell. "I ain't that kinda girl," she muttered. "Were you expecting some kinda orgy when you decided to come over? Is that what you think of me?"

"No, I…" he began.

"Too late, jerk, there's plenty more where you came from," interrupted Ivy, shoving him out the door. "Get lost, loser!"

She slammed the door in his face. Harley still gaped at her. "Who was that, Red?" she asked.

"I was intending him to be my rebound fling," retorted Ivy. "But he's blown his chance. It's ok – like I said, there's plenty more where he came from. I'll just call someone else," she said, reaching for her phonebook.

Harley intercepted her hand, her big, blue eyes wide in disbelief. "Red…you mean you…you were gonna…have another guy?"

"Women deal with break-ups in different ways, Harley," said Ivy. "I deal with mine by moving on as quickly as possible. Plus it's my birthday tomorrow, and I wanted a little beefcake tonight."

"But…but…you mean you don't think Harvey's your soulmate and your one true love, and there ain't ever gonna be another guy for you, and you ain't ever gonna be able to live without him, and your entire life is over if you can't have him?"

"Um…no," replied Ivy. "Why would I think that? It's crazy."

Harley's face darkened. "It ain't crazy to believe in true love," she snapped. "And I wish you had told me you weren't worked up over Harvey – you got me all worried for nothing!"

"I told you I was fine," retorted Ivy. "I don't mind being single, Harley. It means I'm free and independent and I have lots of options in terms of guys. I get bored with the same one after awhile – variety is the spice of life, that's my motto. I can try lots of different types of meat, instead of being stuck with the same tough old steak for dinner every night."

"If that's supposed to mean what I think it is, lemme just say right now that there ain't nothing wrong with Mr. J's steak!" snapped Harley. "It's perfect, you hear me?"

"I think you've just forgotten what fresh meat tastes like, Harley," retorted Ivy. "But I don't wanna argue with you about Joker. Let's just have ice cream instead. It was sweet of you to bring it, and to come over. I do really appreciate it," she said, hugging her.

"Anything for you, Red," replied Harley, beaming as they went into the kitchen. "You should feel really special – I had to fight off Mr. J for this. He's gone to see if Harvey's ok."

"That's uncharacteristically kind of him," retorted Ivy, reaching for two bowls and spoons.

"Well, I kinda had to beat the crap outta him to make him go," replied Harley. "I hope you don't mind, Red."

"What, that you beat the crap outta J? No, it makes me unspeakably happy to think he's in pain."

"No, about me sending him to see Harvey. I know I'm meant to be on your side about this, like a good friend should be, and want him dead…"

"I don't want him dead, Harley," she retorted. "Or he'd be dead now. I'd be glad if I didn't have to see him again for a while, but we're both mature adults. We can handle this like mature adults. Anyway, like I said, we both knew it wouldn't last."

"Why not?" asked Harley. "I always thought you'd be a good couple."

She shrugged. "It just didn't feel right. Plus he's so dependent on that damn coin of his. He has to flip it for literally every decision. I just got fed up with it. That may not seem like a big thing, but it really was, especially when you're in the middle of things and you ask him if he wants to try something a little different, and he has to get out of bed and find his coin and toss it…it just gets annoying after a while."

"Yeah, Harvey's got some real dependency issues," said Harley. "He really needs to stop being so mentally enslaved to the coin and just assert himself more."

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Ivy, opening the ice cream. "This has melted, Harley."

Harley looked at the liquified ice cream in annoyance. "Like I said, I had to fight Mr. J. And then bring it all the way over here. It was pretty inevitable, really. Still, no point in wasting it!" she said, reaching for two glasses and pouring it in. "It'll be just like a milkshake!"

"I'll pass, thanks," replied Ivy, mixing herself a cocktail. Harley shrugged, grabbed two straws and put one in each glass, and then began sucking through both of them as they went back into the living room.

"Well, I just know you'll find the perfect guy soon, Red," said Harley.

"The perfect guy doesn't exist, Harley," she replied. "All men have their faults."

"Not Mr. J," retorted Harley, firmly.

"Look, I know you're crazily in love with him, but even you gotta admit he has problems," said Ivy.

Harley shrugged again. "I don't see 'em as problems, Red. I see them as little special features that just make him who he is. I love the whole Joker package, good and bad, sane and mad, he's still my adorable, sweet, strong, handsome, perfect puddin'."

"You need help, Harley," retorted Ivy. "See, this is your problem. This is why you're stuck in this endless cycle of abuse with J. It's because you refuse to see that there are things wrong with your relationship and your boyfriend. You just turn a blind eye to them because you're fixated on this perfect love that exists in some fantasy, fairy tale world in your head. If you could just see the reality like everyone else does, you might actually be able to break out of the pattern."

"Who says I wanna break out of it?" demanded Harley. "I love Mr. J. I love being in love with Mr. J. So what if I have to suffer a few beatings for it? Good things are worth suffering for, ain't they?"

"Yes, but your relationship isn't a good thing," retorted Ivy.

"It is for me, Red," she said. "Mr. J's my soulmate, who I was lucky enough to find. There ain't many people who can say that. He's my one true love and we're going to live happily ever after."

"See, relationships don't work like that in the real world, Harley," retorted Ivy. "They require mutual effort, and a lot of hard work and commitment. On both sides."

"Aw, me and Mr. J have been committed lots of times!" laughed Harley. Ivy looked blankly at her and Harley explained, "It's a joke, Red, see, because we've been committed in psychiatric institutions…"

"I got it, Harley, it just wasn't funny," interrupted Ivy.

"Yeah, I need to work on being funny," sighed Harley. "It really bothers Mr. J that I'm not. If I could change one thing about myself, that would be it. Well, that and a boob job, so I'd look good in a bikini."

"You look fine in a bikini, Harley," said Ivy.

"Nah, not the way you do," she replied. "I don't fill it out well enough. Curse of having a gymnast's body. But Mr. J don't mind, so I guess I should be grateful."

"You shouldn't be grateful to him, Harley," retorted Ivy. "He should be grateful that he's got an attractive, devoted, sweet girlfriend like you."

"Aw, I'm sure he is, Red," replied Harley. "He just don't always show it the way regular guys do. Because he's my special puddin'."

Ivy had brought the cocktail ingredients through into the living room, and Harley now reached for the vodka bottle, pouring a little of it into the melted ice cream. "Still, he could be a little more appreciative sometimes," Harley muttered, sucking on the straw again. "You know for a clown, he ain't a very happy guy. He's always complaining about stuff. He never tells me when I do a good job, it's always just criticism when I screw stuff up. And sometimes it's just criticism in general."

"And you never criticize him back?" asked Ivy.

"I told you, Red, I ain't got any reason to criticize him," retorted Harley. "He's perfect. Although like I say, sometimes he's a bit unappreciative. And cranky. And miserable. And angry. And mean. And sometimes you just get really, really sick of his stupid jokes and just wanna rip that annoying grin off his smug face and strangle him until that mocking laughs chokes in his ungrateful throat…"

She poured more vodka into her drink. "And he's like a goddamn camel in terms of sex. That's not to say it's not fantastic when it happens, because it is, completely mind-blowing and incredible, but, y'know, he can go months without it, just like a camel can go months without water in the desert. And lemme tell you, I feel like a desert a lot, all barren and empty and just craving a nice wet storm. God, if only he knew how hard it is to resist just jumping him and tying him down and making him want it any way it takes…"

"Harley, can you not give me images like that?" interrupted Ivy. "It'll be awkward when I have to see him for dinner tomorrow."

"Which of course he don't want to go to," continued Harley. "Just like he never wants to do anything but sit at his desk at home and make his stupid plans and traps for the Bat. He always puts me second to Bats, he always puts me second to everything. Heck, I'd kill to be second to anything – I'm actually bottom of the list. Y'know, if he's got nothing better to do with his time, he'll pay attention to me. He's like a kid whose parents got him a puppy for Christmas when he wanted a bike, so he watches the other kids on bikes and ignores the puppy and only plays with it when the kids on the bikes have to go home. I'm the puppy, and Bats is the bike. Not that he wants to ride Bats, there ain't anything funny in their relationship like that," she added, hastily.

"If you say so, Harley," replied Ivy, watching Harley pour the remaining vodka in the bottle into her drinks and wondering if maybe she should interfere. But she assumed Harley knew what she was doing, and she wasn't her mother. And this venting was clearly doing Harley some good – maybe it would help her assert herself with the clown in future.

"I mean, I love him, Red, I really do," she continued. "But he can be such a jerk. Such an evil, heartless, manipulative bastard. I dunno why I put up with him sometimes. I'm a young, mildly attractive women with a few things going for me – I used to be a doctor. Sometimes I wonder why I'm wasting my life with a clown like that, who don't treat me right, don't appreciate me, and don't ever seem to want me. I sometimes wonder if I am just wasting myself on him, when I could make someone really happy, y'know. I don't ever seem to make him happy."

"So why do you put up with him?" asked Ivy.

"Like I said, I love him," replied Harley.

"Is that enough of a reason?" asked Ivy. "I don't hate Harvey. I wouldn't say I loved him exactly, but if I did, I wouldn't let that rule my life if something wasn't right in my relationship. Sometimes you can love people and not be good for each other. Sometimes you can love people knowing you aren't meant to be together. I know it's crazy, but you of all people know how crazy the world can be. Why are you letting this love, which I don't doubt you do feel for him, very deeply, but why are you letting it blot out the rest of your life? Why are you letting something that should be making you stronger and happier cripple you? It's not right, Harley."

Tears came to Harley's eyes. "It ain't right, Red, is it?" she sobbed. "It ain't right! We…we're not right together! We haven't been right for a long time!"

"If you truly think that, Harley, then why don't you make things right again?" asked Ivy. "Why don't you dump him? If he wants to get back with you, he has to try making things right again, and if he don't, then at least things will be right with you. And you're so important, baby. To me, and to yourself. I wish you could see that."

Harley sobbed again as Ivy hugged her. Then Harley suddenly stood up, firm resolution in her eyes. "C'mon, Red, we're going over to Harvey's!" she said, seizing her hand. "I'm gonna break up with Mr. J right now! I'm gonna tell him it's over unless he changes into the sweet, sincere, and caring man I deserve!"

"I don't really wanna see Harvey again for a while, like I said…" began Ivy, but there really was no arguing with Harley in this state. Before Ivy fully realized what they were doing, Harley had dragged her out the door. But she shrugged and adapted quickly, smiling to herself as they headed for the car. Maybe this was the beginning of the end of Harley's pattern.