Part Two: Loony Ladies & Rabid Reapers
Fifteen years had been spent by Kira and Kara in the after-life and it had been filled with good things and bad things alike. They had been enrolled into the academy immediately but due to an unfortunate attempt to kill a very bad-tempered "Science behind Soul Reapers" tutor for trying to correct their knowledge on genetic mutations, they had needed to do ten years when they had originally finished in five. On the night of the graduation an unfortunate incident with an ancient foe had resulted in Kara's pregnancy! The child had been a male and had been given a weird name due to a high dose of morphine. To an extent his name was "Grimmy" and he was always titled thus, and his cat-like tendencies and love of milk and eating hollows had been an important tool for Kara and Kira. Kara, being lactose intolerant, would give milk to her son and when out with the squad took him in a special hiding bag and he would eat hollows for her!
Of course the birth and the child itself had to be hidden, only close friends and their first captain, Mayuri knew, and each of them was incredibly helpful. But it got more and more difficult to find him somewhere to hide, and when Kira became 3rd Seat in third squad and Kara became lieutenant under Aizen (thanks to an unfortunate illegal experimentation with Mayuri's help that resulted in the explosion of a shed), made it more tricky. So Kara had been granted her own house, though 3rd seat "Freaking" Hinamori had done the decoration. It had all worked out quite well until Grimmy, who grew three times faster in looks but three months behind mentally, had reached five years and thrown a tantrum that had almost blown up the computer room of the house. So, now life was as it should have been, though Kara was taking the runway situation badly, even after a month no longer being a worried mother….
~~~~Seretei's Best Bar + Restaurant: The Happy Limpet~~~~
It was the evening and the air was cool, save around the bar area where there was a slight smell of smoke, and the restaurant was filled with the chitter-chatter of the posh members of the Soul Society and the light twang of Jazz-like music. It was a typical posh restaurant where most of the foods consisted of the "crap" most other people were sensible not to eat! Both Kira and Kara were dressed as nicely as they could, and as always they had been searched for weapons as members of squad eleven, apart from Captain Zaraki (when in formal clothing), were not permitted, especially not in the bar area. Kara had been annoyed by this factor as it meant she was in no way going to be dragged to the bar and force-fed pints of alcohol whilst singing songs of a rude or psychotic nature, which was what Kara needed. It worried Kira too as that meant they were completely at the mercy of their hosts! It was not as if Kira and Kara had never been to posh "dos" before when they were alive, after all they were always accompanying work colleagues to great events or their sponsors invited them over. Most of their sponsors had consisted of the super-rich megalomaniacs that were a good crowd for Kara as they often joked about death-rays and flesh-eating viruses. But the Seretei had little evil genius around and most of them were not rich tyrants!
"I'm glad that we're having this staff-liaison meeting, my friends! After-all, what kind of captains would we be if we did not invite our beautiful young workers to a wonderfully beautiful candle-lit meal?" Aizen had begun his usual method of introduction that evening and as normal Kara muttered in a different language to Kira about how he always talked out of his arse at these things. But the two were slightly concerned by some of the phrasing, they had only agreed to partake because they had been told it was a third seats and lieutenants meeting, and the pair had even brought folders of information! But they coped as best they could, eating happily at the pathetically gross starters and not being bothered at how Gin kept trying to squeeze past the other Kira, Izuru Kira, to reach the female one, and how Hisagi quite comfortably kept feeling up Kara's leg, something that he did to everyone.
Apart from third squad, Aizen, Kara, and Hisagi being present; there were also two rather unwanted guests. As much as Aizen had announced it to be for third seats, he had only meant it to be from his and Gin's squad, and so Kaname Tousen had turned up alone. However, the blind captain's version of 'alone' consisted on having his Labrador present, at least, that was what Hisagi was referred to in the current situation, though he probably would not have been mistaken for human if he had been with other dogs! This being because he barked at every waitress and effeminate waiter that passed and he'd already humped everyone's leg under the table and broken the expensive wine casket before Aizen had taken to opportunity to pour some for Kira. That was the other problem, though Momo swooned devotedly over Aizen, both he and Gin were much more interested in female Kira, and they would've only invited her if Kaname had not requested to come. Because of Tousen they had needed to invite Kara, and because of Kara and Kira being suspicious, the others had been forced to join too. It would not really have been too bad, if Kara had not avidly hated the blind black man and if Kira was not afraid of being raped by Gin in a dark alley whilst running for her life from Aizen!
"Uh… I miss the old days, when we were alive, Kira!" Kara muttered lowly as she flicked the random pieces of bread toward Aizen with a low growling sound. Aizen ducked slightly at each piece of sharpened bread. One piece pinged past him and hit some posh nobleman in the background, who suddenly collapsed into his tomato soup, which made female Kira giggle. With a snort Kara continued. "Yeah, those were the days when we were roaming Europe with our many sponsors going to fancy restaurants and so on. Remember when we used to get only the vey best Italian food? Ah, I miss our old Sicilian Business Associates; they always knew what we'd choose to eat"
"Oh yeah, I never understood some of their jokes though, but hey, I never understood Italian. I just used to love it when they would kiss everyone around them and say 'Bella' to every woman they saw. Now those were some dangerous men that knew how to make a woman feel special! But I only say that in that they were very courteous to us." Kira chuckled, and she began to rub a finger around the rim of her glass, looking almost a little flirty so that Gin and Aizen tried to smile and lean in close to say something. But quickly she remembered something and chortled. "Remember Vlad and Karolek? Yeah you do! I was sure you and Karolek had something between you both, especially because he used to beat up every single chef that ever made bad food for you, as well as to half-kill anyone that looked you up the wrong way. They used to be so funny and happy, great to get drunk with and keep us protected. It's funny, Karolek was a murderous guy and yet Vlad had the scars on his face you seemed to stare at all the time! Come to think of it… You always had a thing for the blokes with murderous tendencies and scars, like Nikolai, Vadimas, Kirk, and good old Fritz! And me? I always had the guys with long blonde hair that you used to say were gay all the time! But let me tell you buddy, Alexander wasn't gay, neither was Fredrick, and I'm telling you; Joe was a bi-sexual, I didn't turn him gay!"
"Uh… That's nice to know." Aizen gulped nervously, he was a little unsure of what to make about this whole situation with Kira and with Kara. In one way he was not sure this information was being said to encourage a threat or perhaps just for the sake of it. But he knew he needed to break the ice, at least Kira's ice because Kara was as guarded as the centre of the Antarctic. "By the way, Kira… That's one damn sexy dress you've got on there. I wonder how the rest of the outfit goes… Not you Izuru!"
"Umm… I'm not sure you're words are appropriate, Captain Aizen." Kira Izuru gulped, and Gin snorted. Gin soon shut up though as a knife dropped onto his foot, point down, and then was stamped into his foot by Aizen. Momo gave a little indignant snort, Tousen blinked, Hisagi started to sniff at Kara; Kara slapped him aside, and Kira (female Kira) just froze. Izuru quickly realised his mistake and noted how his beloved Momo was looking so sad. He only wanted to make Momo happy, despite the fact that Kara told him it was a lost cause, and he tried to say something better for her. "Momo has a much better dress then I do, in fact, I'm not wearing a dress."
"Kara… You look divine in your evening wear, perhaps you would like to return with me this evening and watch a film perhaps?" Tousen muttered nervously, gulping visibly as he stared in Izuru's direction. Hinamori gave a sigh; she was sitting next to Tousen and quickly turned him to his left so he faced Hisagi and Kara. He smiled seemingly sweetly, but Kara just blinked at him as if she had just woken up to see a suspicious breakfast set on her bedside counter. "I don't get to see you much these days; I wouldn't mind getting together and going to a play or to a duck pond with you."
"I believe your logic is flawed, somewhat. Mainly the point that you can't see and therefore everything in that sentence has been deemed redundant. Besides, I'd rather have dinner in a sewer with Gin then spend and evening with… OUCH! God damn your sharp nails Kira! NOT YOU IZURU!" Kara growled angrily and she curled her lips and stamped down with her foot. This made female Kira jump backward, knocking her into male Kira, who hit a waiter with a salad bowl, which dropped it on top of Aizen's head, though the white coloured dressing squirted in a rather phallic manner into male Kira's face. But this did not seem to deter Tousen, and he sounded much more threatening this time.
"Well… My beautiful albino, we should do something else together? I've got a special key that allows me to access loads of places in the Seretei… Maybe I'll let you pet my Schnauzer? Not you Hisagi, you're a Labrador, bad dog!" Tousen grinned, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and then pushing Hisagi's grinning face away from him.
"I'll assume you're talking about Foxy… Oi! Waiter, get here pronto!" Kara barked angrily as she tried hard to ignore Tousen, and indeed to ignore the growling sounds that Hisagi was making toward a soul reaper on another table who was glaring at him for looking at his girl. Swiftly, the waiter hurried over and was almost strangled as Kara growled into his face at how much alcohol she required.
The tension at the diner table was growing as they ordered their drinks, and Kara was simply growling at every nice thing the men were trying to say. Gin had found himself in a hard place too; he was now sitting between Momo and Aizen due to a swapping request. Currently Momo was trying to swoon over Aizen with Gin in the way, which served to humour Hisagi and Izuru at least. The other problem was from Aizen himself; Gin was in a perfect position to play "footsie" with his 3rd seat under the table, and Aizen had noticed this. Aizen had thwarted it often though by making the excuse of dropping his fork, which he did in a rather murderous fashion, and seemed to continuously stab Gin in the knee-cap. This Kira had noticed and was trying to make conversation, but Kara found a new distraction.
"Kira," She growled low and close to Kira's shoulder. She leant in so only they could talk together, though Hisagi tried to lean in a little. Her eyes were harsh and glaring at the smile upon Tousen's face. He seemed turned and leaning toward her, apparently unaware of this though he would wink for no reason at all. "Kira! I can't stand it; Tousen's staring at me again! Why does he keep staring?"
"Staring?" Kira questioned, her face showing a rather surprised type of confusion as she seemed unaware if Kara were joking or not. As she responded, she couldn't help sound as if talking to an idiot. "He can't stare, Kara. He's incapable of staring. He's BLIND, Kara!"
"He's staring at me, I know he is! He's doing it again! I just want to stab his eyes out and see how he likes not being able to stare anymore!" Kara growled and she tried to stand up with a knife, but was quickly sat back down by her friend. The loon held the knife close in her hands and flicked a long curved thumb nail against the blade. "Why does he do this to me? I don't like him and he knows it! That and everyone knows he's a racist, he only likes other people because he's blind and thinks they're all Hispanic! Yet he knows me and Kenpachi and are Caucasian, hence the reason he calls Kenny mean names and seems to keep calling my Snowflake! I mean he's really racist to poor Kenpachi, and Kenny hasn't the best brain to understand what he's on about! Which leads me to my other point, why does he like me when he knows I'm exactly what he hates?"
"Apart from a bit of pain, I don't think he'd mind. He can't stare Kara; we've been through this since you first met him. He's blind, he can't stare! Do you hear me? He's blind! Wait… I don't know why he knows that…" Kira muttered curiously as she looked toward the grinning blind man. "He's still blind, yet he can figure out you and Kenny is white. Maybe he's just assuming this because you're both sadistic. But then that wouldn't make much sense as Mayuri is just like you guys and yet he calls him 'Panda-Boy', which I think might have a gay reference in there. He thinks Akon's some kind of green lizard too, but I think that's just how he assumes comedians to be. I'm perplexed, I mean he hates Kenpachi for being sadistic and a murderous loon when in battle, and yet you're just like that when you're outside in the field or even in the lab! In all honesty, I don't know. But perhaps it's all linked to his blindness?"
"I can't bare it anymore! Why'd you go? WAA! I miss my pussy… WAGH!" Kara screeched. The restaurant was silent and the people were staring blankly at Kara. She had of course been referring to her missing son, or as far as they knew, her missing cat, but someone had not understood this. If it were left to female Kira to write a book on which words were phallic and why, she'd immediately test the dictionary on Hisagi, or mister ever-ready!
"I'm confused… Kara's cat has escaped, and don't tell me…. Hisagi just went for the 'other' pussy? Or am I just assuming too much?" Tousen questioned as he stared blankly into the crowd, confused because everyone in the restaurant had gone silent. When Aizen made a gulping noise of yes, Tousen picked up a spoon and flicked it, only to knock Momo clean out and call her a bad dog instead of the real culprit. But soon Hisagi had needed to depart for the loo, as had Aizen and Gin, so there was a little less tension in the air.
The evening moved on slowly, as Kara tried to aim random forks into Tousen's face and kept getting caught by Kira. When their meal came the two women did their best in a worrying man situation to eat messily! It seemed to work quite well, except Gin kept grinning, Tousen did not know what was going on, and Hisagi seemed to get much more excited by it. At points he tried to wipe their faces, calling them his "dirty little bitches or vixens", which kept costing him. He kept getting his balls punched, but Kara's aim was failing as she drank more and more Vodka. But this was not helped by the fact that Gin was slipping sedatives into every one of Kira's drinks and so she was passing them along to her poison expert, who was now at the same level of sobriety as a monkey drowning in a beer factory. But with Kara starting to wobble in her seat, Kira started to realised they needed to escape!
"Kara… I wouldn't normally ask you to stop drinking Vodka; it usually doesn't bother you like this after-all, but please listen to me. I'm getting too troubled by this situation, and we have to get out. You'll have to use that special trick you have that summons our super-special transport system. Got it?" Kira muttered fearfully to Kara as the older woman drained another large bottle of 50% Vodka, something she'd liberated from a waiter going out on his break. Kara paused and eyed her up for a moment.
"Okay then, allow me…." At that point Kara stood up, cleared her throat, took a sip of vodka, and cleared her throat once more. The others looked at her expectantly, as if she were about to make a speech, but Kara just swayed a little and hiccupped. Then she raised her finger to indicate she needed a moment, burped, and then let out a cry like Tarzan would to summon beasts! However, this just gave her a blank stare and she chuckled in a drunken fashion before screaming and waiting for the stampede. "What do you know, FREE BAR AND BOOZE at the Happy Limpet?"
In less then five minutes the thunder had been heard and the charge of the eleventh squad had sounded around the restaurant. Their security had been knocked flat to the ground and the squad had charged right over the tables and toward the bar in one great member-made snaking train of human torso. They left a pile of carnage in their wake as they smashed through the back of the restaurant and turned back to gather up the remnants of alcohol. When they had gone, Gin and Aizen stood up to find that the chairs Kira and Kara had been on where gone, as were the women, and the entire bar. They had not noticed how the seats had been scooped up and placed on top of the train of eleventh squad fighters, along with the bar and the bar tender, both of which were keeping Kira quite entertained as the train headed home.
"Whoo! Eleventh Squad RULES! Hey, hey Iki, pass me the Schnapps please! Yo Yumi, get me these cheesy cracker-biscuit things! Hey Kara, let's not party… Like twas seventeen-ninety whatever… Hey! Pennies!" Kira snorted happily as she leant down the side of the eleventh squad member train and scooped some pennies off the path. She turned around to Kara and raised her arm, barking like she was going free-hand on a rollercoaster. Behind her, Yachiru had just been dropped off into Ukitake's arms, he was always willing to babysit, but this made Kara nervous as they approached the eleventh squad barracks and she made a nervous gulping sound.
"Is it me, or that look on Kenny's face suggest the following 'you gonna get raped' thing, Kira? Or has my syntax just gone?" Kara gulped nervously as they were hurtled further along the barrack line toward the party courtyard and the open door to Kenpachi's quarters. Outside these quarters, Kenpachi was standing in his captain jacket alone, though covering anything that might scare his troops, looking straight toward the two women as he pinged off his eye patch into his quarters rather seductively. Kara made a shuddering sound of both excitement and terror as the fighter-train shunted to a halt.
"Yes… Yes it does. Ah well, at least you'll have an excuse to get off work and to use a wheelchair. How long did it take for you to regain all the feeling in your legs, as well as to come out of that orgasmic shock, again?" Kira questioned, but there was no time to answer as one of Kenny's giant arms reached toward them and the last thing either could remember of the evening was Kenpachi's homicidal smile.
End of Part Two
A note to anyone bothering to read this; sorry for the blind jokes and the Tousen things in this chapter, I hope you understand this. Neither I nor my friend (Kira) is racist or prejudice to anyone with disabilities. We're just basing this joke on a strange series of circumstances in real life. Where I live, one of my roommates has a trio of neutered male rats that we've nicknamed (and they respond to) Tousen, Aizen, and Gin. And the one we call Tousen is going a little blind now he's getting on in age, and unfortunately for me in the past two months he's been greeting me with the mating sounds that rats give off… So we're joking about how he always stares toward me when I sit in the room where his cage is, or how he stares at my bedroom door! EEP!
