Jeong Jeong rises with the sun.
You, however, do not!
You curse the chirping birds and the coming of a new day. The light from the Day Star burns its way into your sleepy eyes like the passion of an Angry Jeong Jeong yelling at Piandao for not being angry enough about Things.
Speaking of Jeong Jeong, there he is …again. He's sitting in your front yard, eyes closed, breathing while his hair does that thing where it whips about on his head even though the air is still.
The man spends so much time in your yard, you consider charging him rent. But then you remember that he doesn't have any money and his Sugar Daddy, Piandao, has Murder Face!
Your partner hasn't had their morning coffee/Red Bull/Mountain Dew speed ball so, of course, they're not thinking straight when they stare Jeong Jeong down right in his closed eyes and ask him, "The fuck do you want now?"
"Do not speak," he commands, hand thrown dramatically up to silence them.
"Whatever. Can't you rise with the sun at your own house?"
"No, idiot! ALL firebenders rise with the sun. When I left, Azula was stalking the neighborhood, glaring at children as they crossed the road to get on the school bus."
"That Azula, always a kidder," you nervously laugh.
"Zhao was mowing his lawn!"
"So?"
"With fire!" Jeong Jeong yells.
"Uh…"
"And every morning, it's the same thing with Ozai. He half-jogs the neighborhood in his Agni Kai pants just looking for reasons to challenge people to an Agni Kai. The paper boy, FedEx, women who carry their dogs in their purses… He doesn't care."
"Mhmm," you nod. "Sounds like Ozai."
Jeong Jeong bristles as he continues his tirade.
"Then. There's. Piandao!"
***
TWELVE HOURS EARLIER
***
Piandao emerged from a downstairs bathroom holding a light bulb.
"Jeong Jeong, we need to talk."
Jeong Jeong winced. Nothing terrified him more than disappointing the Master.
"I put in the LEDs instead of those funny corkscrew bulbs. I know you like them," Jeong Jeong mumbled, offering Piandao a forced smile.
"And I appreciate that. However, this is a 6000K LED. It gives off a strong blue light. Makes the bathroom like purple instead of pink. As you're so found of saying, "It is savagery." If you don't use the proper colored LEDs, it throws of the color aesthetic for the entire room."
"Use the bulbs that have "4100K" written on the side. They're the closest to pure white light so they won't skew the bathroom's colors toward the blue part of the spectrum."
—
"But there were no 4100K light bulbs in the closet, Jeong Jeong fusses. "So, of course, this meant we had to get some immediately because of Piandao's Aesthetic Needs."
"Hold up, Jeong Jeong! You mean to tell us Piandao got on you because you used the wrong color LEDs?"
"Do not interrupt," he snarls, putting his hand over your mouth. "I'm not finished!"
"That meant we had to go to Target because that's the only place locally where they sell the bulbs Piandao wants. And also, Moon Pies!"
"Oh!" you say. "Did he wear a red polo shirt again to make people think he was an employee?"
"No, you idiot! shut up!"
***
ELEVEN HOURS, THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES EARLIER: AT TARGET
***
Piandao sighed at the empty shelf the Moon Pies usually called 'home'.
"You see, Jeong Jeong? This is why we can't have nice things! All I want from this fluorescent shit-hole are two things: 4100K 60 WATT LEDs and Moon Pies."
"Excuse me?" came a timid voice from behind them. "Could you hand me those Little Debbie Christmas cakes from the top shelf?"
"Christmas cakes?!" Jeong Jeong screeched like a crack-addicted pterodactyl, quaking and sputtering, throwing his hands in the air. "It is August!"
Piandao ignored Jeong Jeong's outrage because it was Jeong Jeong. He looked in the old woman's cart, a mountain of confections staring back at him.
"So…" he said, inching closer. "You're the one who's been buying up all the Moon Pies?"
"My grand kids love them," she beamed.
"I'll take one box," he demanded while Jeong Jeong rambled on about the coming holidays.
She held a box in front of his face. "How much is it worth to you?" she grinned.
He slapped the box out of her hand, causing it to ricochet off the nearby shelf and into his cart. "Nothing," he said as he watched her speed away.
"Hey!"
"What do you want," Piandao grumbled, turning to greet whom he assumed was the store manager, a short, pudgy man named Jared.
"You can't bring a sword in here!"
"Well, not with that attitude!" Piandao laughed.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's why Piandao's been banned from Target," Jeong Jeong tells us with just a hint of a grin.
"You guys can't go anywhere, can you?"
"So…"
Jeong Jeong tries to change the subject because he didn't want this to become A Thing. He keeps forgetting that, if he tells you things, he has to elaborate or you'll just ask Piandao and Piandao will Make Shit Up.
"How have things been since "The Incident?"
"Oh, we're pretty sure Granny's moving in with one of her kids."
***
TWO NIGHTS EARLIER
***
Granny, brandishing her walking cane in one hand and a switchblade in the other, leered at you.
The knife clicked open. The orange light from a nearby street lamp flickered out, casting the porch in darkness.
"You got my mail, motherfucker?"
…
Naturally, you screamed and then your partner screamed and then you slammed the door in her face, locking all four locks. Then you cowered in the closet until you remembered you have a Bat Signal. Well, really, it's just a search light that you put a Lotus Flower stencil over. Then you have to point it in the direction of Piandao's housing development and hope like so much Hell you don't shine it in Azula's window …again.
After sending up the Lotus signal, you ran back into the closet and held each other until you heard Granny's muffled voice yell "What the fuck do you want, Old Man?" from outside.
You ran out, screamed "She's got a knife!" then watched at the window as she and Piandao locked stares under the dim glow of your phone's shitty flashlight app.
She grinned as she waved the knife in Piandao's face–back and forth, back and forth–daring him to do something about it.
"That's not a knife," Piandao said, unsheathing his sword with an indulgent smile. "This is a knife…"
"So, anyhoo… The For Sale sign went up yesterday. Tell Piandao we said "Thanks"."
Jeong Jeong nods then turns his attention toward the ever-annoying sun.
"Aaaand you never answered my question, Jeong Jeong."
Jeong Jeong huffs when he realizes you guys aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
"If you must know-"
"We must!" you, your partner, and five of your closest nosy-ass neighbors who have come out of their nightly hibernation to witness the power that is the Meditating Jeong Jeong say.
Jeong Jeong sighs, rubbing the weariness away from his eyes.
"Piandao is always pushing people's buttons. It's as if he was genetically engineered to be an asshole."
"That's what we like about him," you say and everyone except for Spray Tan Karen, your obnoxious neighbor from down the street, nods. "We thought that's why you were dating him."
"Don't deny it," Mr. Everyday Is Halloween If You Just Don't Care from the next block over chimes in. "Everyone sees the way your face lights up when you retell the story of how Piandao became YouTube famous–"
"Do not bring that up again!" Jeong Jeong bellows. "We do not speak of Piandao's YouTube fame. ..Our lawyer has advised us not to talk about it."
"Oh," everyone whispers.
"Well," you say, trying to break the awkward silence that follows. "He's only an asshole to other assholes."
"One problem!"
"What's that, JJ?"
"Everyone who lives in our development is a rampaging asshole! You don't shit where you eat. Unless, of course, you're Piandao."
***
FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES EARLIER
***
As Azula was leaving her house to terrorize the neighborhood, she noticed Piandao standing at the edge of her driveway.
"Oh look… Your tires were slashed..
…with my sword somehow."
Azula shrugged. "It happens. By the way, Piandao.. I'm running for HOA President. I'm counting on your vote."
"I can't help you with that, Azula. I don't hate my neighbors that much."
And if that wasn't bad enough…
***
THIRTY-SIX MINUTES EARLIER
***
"Good morning, Zhao. I just Tweeted that you fought another Agni Kai with your yard and won! That's Zhao: 1082, A Third of An Acre of Land: 0!"
"Fuck off, Piandao! Wait–are you.." Zhao squinted then shook his head in disbelief. "Are you wearing Ursa's crown?"
Piandao smiled. "She lost a bet."
***
FIVE HOURS EARLIER
***
Piandao shoved the last sugar-coated candy peep into his mouth and swallowed hard. Didn't even bother to chew.
Ursa groaned.
"I told you I could eat a hundred peeps in one sitting."
"What the actual fuck, Piandao!?"
"Crown! Now!"
Piandao grinned as he pinned Ursa's crown lovingly into his top knot. "Now.. Tell me I'm a Pretty Princess."
"He is a pretty princess," Jeong Jeong whispers.
"What, JJ?"
"What?! Nothing!" he sputters. "Stop interrupting!"
"I wasn't inter–"
"–And yesterday, when I got home…"
***
STARDATE: YESTERDAY
***
"So, what do you think?"
Piandao looked at the hapless UPS delivery person.
Just as they were about to speak, Piandao threw his hand up. "Be honest," he insisted while UPS Driver #86 scratched their head, confused.
"Well…" #86 started, staring at Piandao, no doubt admiring Piandao's sleeveless rhinestone studded unicorn shirt that read "I'm a lesbian".
"Go on…" Piandao encouraged while #86 pretended to scan a package they had already scanned.
"Did… Did you make a replica of the Iron Throne out of your swords?"
Piandao nodded. "Technically, it's a Steel Throne. But, yes."
"Can you sit on it?"
"Hmm? Good question," Piandao mused. "Wanna try it out?"
"No. I…uh… I should be going, anyway. I have packages to deliver because that's literally my job."
#86 screamed and ran when they caught sight of Azula entering the room from the kitchen.
"Heh… Thought I locked that door," Piandao mumbled.
"You did," Azula confirmed with a smirk.
"Well, what?" Piandao asked as she sat down on his love seat as if she were someone he liked.
"That's a sharp Iroh Throne, Piandao."
"Yes, I know, because it's made of swords. Aaaaand I'm gonna go ahead and stop you there, Azula. I've got no interest in engaging you while you try to figure out how normal conversations work. But I am awfully excited to find out why you're here… In my house!"
"Join me, Piandao. If you back me for HOA President, I'll back you for VP. Together we can rule the Dragon's Cove Housing Development with an iron fist! No basketball nets on the sides of garages! No above-ground swimming pools! No garden gnomes! Sundown curfews! No bikes! No tea parties for Uncle! Not. One. Single. Hair. Out. Of. Place!"
She cackled as flames burst from her hands and mouth. Piandao fanned himself as the temperature rapidly rose.
"Could you please use your inside firebending, Azula?"
"NO TEA PARTIES FOR UNCLE!"
"Azula?"
"WHAT?" she shrieked as the flames died. If anyone was a total flame block, it was Piandao!
"How's therapy working out?"
"I'm not in therapy!" she squacked.
"Ya don't say."
"And if that exchange wasn't stupid enough," Jeong Jeong continues…
***
THREE WEEKS EARLIER
***
Jeong Jeong listened while Piandao instructed Zuko in a new technique he been developing. Piandao's soothing, gravelly voice always brought Jeong Jeong to a place of great serenity.
Then, silence.
That should have been Jeong Jeong's first indication that Shit was about to–
"What?!" Zuko roared, causing all the birds to screech and flee from the nearby trees.
Zuko stormed passed Jeong Jeong, slamming the outside door so hard as he left, it bounced, knocking several pictures off the wall.
"Hmm…" Piandao mused. "He's so sensitive. Maybe I should have asked Azula…"
Jeong Jeong sighed, pausing meditation to glare up at Piandao. He rubbed the oncoming stress from his neck.
"Ask Azula what?"
"Who has a better ass? Me? Or Ozai?"
"So, you see? I can't meditate at home because Piandao doesn't know how to behave himself."
"Well, now I feel kinda shitty," your partner admits. "But, seriously, JJ? You're over here so much, the landlord said she was going to put you on the lease. Plus, some of the neighbors–looking at you, Soccer Mom–have been complaining about the screaming."
"I DON'T SCREAM!" he screams. "I shout!"
"Mkay, whatever, JJ. But seriously, you have to work things out with Piandao. You can't just drop by whenever you guys can't work your shit out."
You notice Jeong Jeong eyeballing the giant red 'FOR SALE' sign while your S.O. explains how healthy relationships work.
"Hmmm…" he says as he wanders onto Granny's property.
"Are you listening, JJ? Is he listening?"
You shrug.
Your eyes widen in horror when he kicks the For Sale sign over. Then he parks himself on her front porch. Just sits there among her flowers and her modest collection of solar-powered knick knacks and her porch swing and he resumes his meditation.
He fucking meditates!
You and your partner exchange worried looks while your collection of neighbors stare on, mouths agape.
You let out an exasperated sigh.
"Fuck!"
