So, if you're reading this, I suppose you liked the first chapter enough to read on. The first few chapters actually follow the original dialogue quite closely, and it's not until chapter 5 or so that I start paraphrasing. Just FYI. (However all songs are kept intact, sort of) Um...let's see, thanks to my reviewers! I love you guys. If anyone has any constructive comments out there, I'd also be glad to hear them. I'm forgetting something...oh! Right. The mouse owns all. He probably even owns me. I wouldn't be suprised if this were so. Enjoy!
We see a quaint little cottage. Music begins to play (provided by Genie) Belle comes out of the cottage and walks over the bridge singing.
Belle: Little town, it's a quiet village.
A siren appears randomly and begins to blare the words "Random Song Alert Random Song Alert" rather loudly. Belle narrows her eyes and glares at the siren. Suddenly it explodes. Flames shoot out of it until it vaporizes. The music stops and the Genie and the Authoress stare at her slack-jawed. Belle brushes her hair out of her face like Fiona.
Authoress: Whoa, I wanna blow stuff up with my brain.
Belle: Only objects, not living things. But I'm working on it.
Genie's mouth is still hanging open. The Authoress closes his mouth and sends him off to start the music again.
Authoress: And now back to Operetta Land!!
Belle: (singing) Everyday like the one before. Little town, full of little people, waking up to say…
Random Townsperson 1: Bonjour!
Random Townsperson 2: Bonjour!
Random Townsperson 3: Bonjour!
Random Townsperson 4: Bonjour!
Random Townsperson 5: Bonjour!
Belle: There goes the baker with his tray like always. The same old bread and rolls to sell. Every morning that we came to this poor, provincial town…
Baker: Good morning, Belle.
Belle: Good morning, monsieur!
Baker: Where are you off to? (thinking) Why do I care? Belle: The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story about a phantom and a singer and…
Baker: (Not paying attention) That's nice. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!
Belle shrugs, somewhat disappointed and walks toward the bookshop. On the way, her hair falls into her face.
Belle: (thinking) Why is my hair always falling into my face?
She pushes it back into place and walks on not paying attention to anything.
Townswoman 1: Look there she goes, a girl who's strange no question. Dazed and distracted can't you tell.
Townsperson 6: Never part of any crowd.
Barber: 'Cause her heads up on some cloud.
Townspeople-Type-Personages: No denying she's a funny girl that Belle.
Belle has hopped on the back of a wagon and is riding through town.
Authoress: Do you realize people like to hitch rides on the back of wagons in this movie?
Genie: It only happens twice. Once here and once where… (muffled)
Authoress has clapped a hand over Genie's mouth.
Authoress: We're not there yet.
During this banter, the Townspeople have been all "Bonjour" and "Que pase?" and all that jazz.
Random Broadway Performers: (singing) And all that jazz! (jazz hands and spirit fingers)
Anyway, some random guy, the Butcher or something, got hit over the head with a rolling pin. Yeah…that 'bout sums it up. Ok, back to Belle, who hops off the wagon.
Belle: There must be more than this provincial life! (enters bookshop)
Authoress: Ok, that's getting redundant.
(bell rings)
Bookseller: Ah, Belle!
Belle: Good morning. I've come to return the book I borrowed.
Old Bookselling Geezer: (laughing) Not since yesterday.
Belle: That's all right, I guess. I'll borrow this one.
Old Bookselling Dude That We're Gonna Call Vern: That one?! But you've read it twice!
Belle: But it's my favorite! (swings ladder on its track) Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, (the ladder has rolled down the track and stops abruptly at the end.)
Belle flies off the ladder and into a pile of books.
Belle: On second thought, just point me to the First Aid books. (She pulls a book off her head.)
Vern: You've landed on them.
Belle: Great. (gets to her feet and dusts herself off) Anyway – and there's a prince in disguise and pretty pictures!
Vern the Bookseller: If you like it all that much – it's yours.
Belle: But, sir…
Vern, Ye Olde Bookselling Geezer: Just take the book!
Belle: Well, thank you! Thank you very much!
She exits the shop. Three Random Dudes, who were looking at her through the window quickly turn around and try to look nonchalant. There is a performer standing on a box with a crowd gathering around him.
Performer: Today, I will be performing Oediputh with a lithp!
Crowd: Ooo…
Belle walks past the three Random Dudes with her nose stuck in a book, not noticing anything going on around her. She walks past a pet shop not paying attention to two Brits arguing in raised voices about palindromes and parrots (dead ones with beautiful plumage of course). The men watch her go and begin to sing.
Random Towndudes: Look, there she goes, the girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
Women: With a dreamy far-off look,
Men: And her nose stuck in a book.
Genie: Wouldn't that hurt?
All (except Belle of course): What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle!
Belle: sits at a fountain and sings to the sheep (prolly 'cause they're the only ones who'll listen ;-))
Belle: Oh, isn't this amazing! It's my favorite part because – you'll see!
Authoress: Sorry, but I have to interject here. What is the point of that line? Can anyone tell me? (notices Belle starting to glare at her) OK, sorry. Geez. Back to the random song.
Belle: Here's where she meets Prince Charming. But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three!
Authoress: OMG! Does anyone else sense some foreshadowing?
Genie: Oooh! Oooh! Me! I do!
Ben Kenobi: I sense a disturbance in the Force…
Authoress: That doesn't count. You're always sensing disturbances in the Force.
Ben Kenobi: No I'm not! Oh, wait…never mind.
At this point, a sheep has ripped part of a page, which magically reappears. The shepherd (no not Book, a different shepherd) chases the sheep away from the fountain.
Bald Chick: (singing) Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' her looks have got no parallel.
Hat/Wig Seller: (hides behind his mirror) But behind that fair façade, I'm afraid she's rather odd.
All ('Cept Belle): Yes, different from the rest of us is Belle!
Authoress: OK, we've established that. She's different. We get it. Can we move on?
Camera zooms up to a 'V' of geese.
Authoress: Thank you.
A shot rings out and a goose plummets – that's right ladies and gents, plummets, not falls – to the ground. Lefou runs over and holds out a bag to catch the plummeting goose, however he misses the prize. He looks around quickly as he stuffs it in the bag and runs over to Gaston.
Lefou: Wow! You didn't miss a shot Gaston! You're the best hunter in the whole world!
Authoress: coughpersonal cheerleadercough
Genie and Authoress begin laughing as Lefou glares and sticks out his tongue at them. Gaston has preening – that's right I said preening – and not paying attention to the exchange.
Gaston: I know. (walks off)
Lefou: (scoops up kills and rushes after him) Huh. No beast stands a chance against you. And no girl for that matter.
Gaston: It's true…
He's cut off by wailing sirens, screeching tires, and car doors slamming.
Twitchy: Say cheese!
A camera flashes in Gaston's face.
Flippers: Mr. Japeth, is that him?
Japeth: It is.
Flippers: Finally, you talked!
Japeth: Did I? did-i-did-i-did-i-did-i-did-i-do
Police Officer Who Happens To Be A Bear: Enough with the banter! Let's book him.
Animals advance towards Gaston. He glares and aims his gun. A shot rings out. One of the Animals falls to the ground.
Officer 1: (into radio) We've got shots fired! Shots fired!
Gaston grins and targets another animal. He pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.
Authoress: It's a single shot, ya moron!
The Bear knocks Gaston out while he's preoccupied with the Authoress. She comes over as they put him in the van.
Authoress: (runs up) You know, I'm all for getting weirdoes off the streets, but we kinda need him for the rest of the story.
Bear: Look, Lady, I wish I could help, really. But you're messing with the law and there's nothing I can do.
The Bear gets in the police van and drives away.
Authoress: Okay, we have a problem
Genie: No, we don't.
Authoress: Huh?
Genie: I happen to know that their jail has no bars and was built by one of the pigs.
Authoress: Oh, good. (looks at watch)
About two minutes later Gaston comes walking up.
CUT TO:
Pigs examining pile of sticks.
Pig 1: Told ya we shoulda built it out of bricks.
Pig 2: Maybe we shoulda had some bars.
Pig 3: Nah. All we needed was some red paint.
BACK TO VILLAGE
Everything is back to the way it was thanks to Genie. (And some Coke for the blood stains)
Gaston: (clears throat) It's true Lefou. And I've got my sights set on that one. (picks him up and points toward Belle)
Lefou: The inventor's daughter?!
Gaston: She the one, the lucky girl I'm going to marry.
Lefou: But she's –
Gaston: (drops Lefou and runs his hand through his hair) The most beautiful girl in town!
Lefou: I know – (gun falls on his head) Ow!
Gaston: And that makes her the best. (Glares at Lefou and pulls him up by his collar) And don't I deserve the best?
Authoress: No!
Gaston looks in her direction. She and Genie are sitting in mid-air, tossing popcorn innocently into their mouths.
Authoress: By the way, that's a stupid question. It's like asking someone "do you think I'm stupid?"
Lefou: Well, of course, I mean you do, but I mean…
Authoress: Are you talking about me or him?
Lefou: Him.
Authoress: Oh good.
Gaston drops Lefou. He falls to the ground with an "oof".
Gaston: (singing) Right from the moment when I met her, saw her, I said she's gorgeous and I fell. (Examines his appearance in a pot)
The pot "accidentally" falls off the shelf and hits Gaston in the head.
Genie: (mock-innocence) Oops.
Gaston is a bit dazed, but he checks his appearance again in another pan.
Gaston: Here in town there's only she, who is beautiful as me. (The 'she' in question walks by and away from him) So, I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle.
He looks around frantically for her. He finally spots her and walks determinedly to her.
Bimbettes: Look, there, he goes. Isn't he dreamy? Monsieur Gaston. Oh, he's so cute. Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing. He's such a tall, dark, strong, and handsome brute! (they faint)
Belle moves easily through the crowd with her nose still in her book. Gaston, however, struggles to catch up with her.
Dude 1: Bonjour!
Gaston: Pardon.
Dude 2: Good day!
Dude 3: Mais oui.
Chick 1: You call this bacon?
Chick 2: What lovely grapes!
Dude 4: Some cheese!
Chick 3: Ten yards!
Dude 4: One pound!
Gaston: Excuse me!
Dude 4: I'll get the knife!
Gaston: Please let me through!
Chick 4: This bread!
Dude 5: Those fish!
Chick 4: It's stale!
Dude 5: They smell!
Dude 6: Madame's mistaken!
Belle spins in the centre of town.
Belle: There must be more than this provincial life!
Camera: (spins along with Belle) Wheeeeee!
Gaston: Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife!
Townspeople crowd around Gaston and eventually surround him.
Authoress: Ya know if he's so "popular" with the town, wouldn't they get out of his way in a hurry and fawn over him?
All: (except Belle (but we've covered that) and Gaston. He's trying to find away around the crowd. He finds he can climb the roofs) Look there she goes a girl who's strange, but special. A most peculiar mademoiselle! It's a pity and a sin; she doesn't quite fit in…
Group 1: A beauty, but a funny girl!
Group 2: She really is a funny girl! That Belle!
Gaston jumps off a rooftop.
Authoress: Fall into a ditch. Fall into a ditch.
Man 7: Bonjour!
Woman 5: Bonjour!
Gaston: Bonjour! Bonjour!
Belle whips around as the Townspeeps finish the song. They quickly go back to milling around when she turns.
Belle: (thinking) Were they singing about me?
She shakes it off and goes back to walking and reading at the same time. Gaston jumps down and blocks her path. She is still reading, not paying any attention to him.
Gaston: (all "macho" and "manly") Hello, Belle.
Belle: Bonjour, Gaston. (he takes her book) Gaston, may I have my book back, please?
Gaston is thumbing through the book, turning it this way and that.
Gaston: How can you read this? There are no pictures.
Genie: Yes, there were. They were in the spontaneous musical number with the sheep.
Authoress: He's not looking for that kind of pictures.
Genie: Oh!
Belle: Well, some people use their imaginations.
He still doesn't giver the book back. She glares at his head and it blows up, sending chunks, but no brains, all over the place.
Just Kidding!
Gaston: (whose head did not just explode, unfortunately) Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books and paid attention to more important things – like me. (Bimbettes sigh) The whole town's talking about it. It's not right for a woman to read. She starts getting ideas…and thinking…
He's thrown her book in the mud and she has picked it up and is cleaning it off with her apron.
Belle: You are positively primeval.
Authoress: And an embarrassment to society!
Gaston: Why, thank you. Now, what do you say you and I walk over to the tavern and take a look at my trophies? (takes book from her)
Belle: (takes book back) Maybe some other time.
Bimbette 1: What's wrong with her?
Bimbette 2: She's crazy.
Bimbette 3: He's gorgeous!
Belle: Please, Gaston. I have to get back to help my father.
Lefou: That crazy old loon! He needs all the help he can get!
Gaston and Lefou laugh heartily.
Belle: (angry-ish) Don't talk about my father that way!
Gaston: Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! (conks Lefou on the head)
Belle: My father's not crazy!
Explosion and mushroom cloud appear at Belle's house. She gasps and rushes to her house. Gaston and Lefou laugh. Gaston pulls a Klingon and smacks Lefou on the back causing to fall forward.
CUT TO:
Belle opens the door to the basement, as she does so smoke and dust pours out. She coughs as she rushes to her father (who is stuck in a barrel. He pulls the barrel off and his pants go with it. The beginning of comedy gold!)
Maurice: How on earth did that happen? Dog gonnit!
Authoress: Why are all the parents – if any – in Disney movies really old and their kids are really young? Am I the only one who notices this?
Belle: (rushes over) Are you alright, Papa?
Maurice: I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! (kicks machine)
Machine lights up.
Machine: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dave.
Maurice: What?! Who are you?
Machine: I am HAL.
Belle: What are you doing here? Leave us alone.
HAL: I can't do that, Belle.
Belle: How do you know my name?
Authoress: HAL? Are you terrorizing people and possessing things again?
HAL: Ummm…
Authoress: Begone!
HAL: I can't do tha…
Authoress: Don't give me that!
HAL: You take all the fun out of it. (He leaves)
Authoress: Right then. Sorry. Belle, I believe you were about to say something.
Belle: You always say that.
Genie: No, she doesn't. That was the first time.
Belle: I was talking to Papa.
Genie: Oh, sorry.
Maurice: I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work!
Authoress: Ah, the joys of Disney expletives.
Belle: (to Maurice, obviously) Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the Invention Convention tomorrow. Wait. I thought it was the fair. Somebody give me a script.
Authoress: In the early drafts if was the Invention Convention, but they changed it. They had a whole song devoted to it.
Belle: Oh, okay.
Maurice: Hmmph.
Belle: And become a world famous inventor!
Maurice: You really think so?
Belle: I always have.
Genie: Aw, it's a Kodiak moment! (bear comes into frame, roaring) Get that bear out of here.
Maurice: Well, what are we waiting for?! I'll have this thing fixed in no time! (slides under machine) Hand me that dog-legged clencher there… (voice all muffled and echo-y) So, did ya have a good time in town today?
Belle: I got a new book. (hands him a weird thingy)
Genie: A weird thingy? That's very descriptive.
Authoress: Thank you. I thought so too.
Belle: Do you think I'm odd?
Maurice: My daughter? Odd? (rolls out from under machine with bizarre contraption distorting his eyes. 2nd ingredient for comedy gold!) Where would you get an idea like that?
Belle: I don't know I just don't know if I fit in here.
Authoress: Well, duh. You're wearing blue and everyone else has on earth tones.
Genie: But there's nothing wrong with blue. Blue is the new black!
The room magically transforms into a fashion runway. Belle is walking down the runway modeling her outfit. Cameras are flashing, thanks to a spastic squirrel. Maurice is still working on the machine not noticing the commotion.
Genie: That's right everyone! This year's fashion is all about blue, white, and the peasant look! Twirl for us, dahling!
Belle obeys, but looks thoroughly confused.
Genie: (con't) This look will be everywhere! Paris! London! Milan! Parts of Kentucky!
Authoress: How'd that last one get in there?
Genie: I'm not sure. But fashion fans, put away your drab, dark colors! Make a statement in bright blue!
Authoress: Okay, we need to move this along. Back to the basement.
(sound like tape rewinding)
Maurice: What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fellow. (He rolls back under the machine)
Belle: He's handsome all right, and rude, and conceited, and boorish, and self-centered, and egotistical, and narcissistic, and pretentious, and…
(5 hours later. This explains how it's evening when Maurice leaves)
Belle: …and pompous, and vain, and conceited, and a complete jerk, and…oh, Papa, he's not for me.
Maurice has still been working on the machine. The Authoress and Genie have fallen asleep in mid-air. Genie is snoring. The Authoress stirs and sits up.
Authoress: Is she done? Hey, Genie! (she shakes him awake) Get up! She's done!
Genie: (yawns) Finally. But I was having the most wonderful dream.
Authoress: What was it about?
Genie: I can't tell you.
Authoress: Why not?
Genie: Because (music swells) A dream is a wish…
Authoress: No, no! Not that way!
She walks out of frame for a second. The music swells again.
Genie: A dream…
Authoress: No! No! (runs back into frame) Not that way! Stop it! Stop!
Genie: Sowry.
Authoress: What's the machine do?
Maurice: Well, I'll show you.
He turns on the machine and whirs to life.
Maurice: Okay, here it comes!
Machine: Ping!
Authoress: That's what it does?
Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!
Authoress: Cool. I want one.
Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!
Authoress: Aw, he's so cute!
Machine That Goes Ping: (somewhat affectionately) Ping!
Maurice: That's not what it's supposed to do.
Machine That Goes Ping: (as hostily as he can) PING!
Maurice: Let me fix this. (fiddles with machine) There we go.
Machine That Goes Ping: (imitating a flatline) ping.
Authoress: Noooooooooo! (falls to her knees sobbing)
There is a small ping at the Authoress' shoulder. She looks over and sitting on her shoulder is the Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping.
Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!
Authoress: (smiles) It's like the end of Return of the Jedi! You can stay there as long as you like.
Ghost Of The Machine That Goes Ping: Ping!
Authoress: Okay. Carry on.
Maurice: Well, don't you worry Belle, 'cause this invention's going to be the start of a new life for us. (comes out from under the machine) I think that's done it. Let's give it a try.
The Machine whirs again and works as a Rube Goldberg machine that cuts logs.
Belle: It works!
Maurice: It does? It does! Well, what do you know? I knew I wasn't just some crazy old codger!
Authoress: Get ready for comedy gold everyone.
Belle: You did it! You really did it!
Maurice: Hitch up Phillipe, girl! I'm off to the convention!
Authoress: Three, two, one, (Maurice gets hit in the head with a log) Oh! That's gotta hurt! You have just witnessed comedy gold ladies and gents! (to Belle) Let's get him to Phillipe.
CUT TO:
A LITTLE LATER:
Maurice has a bandage wrapped around his head and an ice pack in his hand.
Belle: Good-bye, Papa! Good luck!
Maurice: (somewhat muffled because of the bandage) Good-bye, Belle and take care while I'm gone!
That was a long-ish chapter. Please review. It makes me happy and feeds my ego. D Plus, all reviewers get a special suprise! If you got the joke with the pig and the red paint, well kudos to you!
