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By the Baring of my Soul
~ Chapter Two ~
Swivelling agilely on her ankle with a grace that always seemed so inherent to her, Rose spun swiftly to face me.
Instantly on the defensive as the surprise of my appearance startled her, the coiled tension in her body; an instinctive preparation to defend herself against any attack, tightened every muscle as her fierce stance suddenly matched her fiercer expression.
Angry flags of red highlighted her high cheekbones and the tanned, unblemished skin beneath it; the flush of colour giving her fathomless eyes an almost feverish glint in the dull morning light. It was a glint that I recognized instantly and one that usually signalled her intentions to punch someone, but as she was alone, why she was so upset was puzzling.
Brushing impatiently at the messy tangle of dark brown hair that had swept over her face and the slender arch of her neck in the face of the relentless howl of the wind, Rose eyed me almost warily as her fingers continued to try and restrain the curls that were as wildly untameable as she was.
I knew how silky to the touch that hair was…what it felt like wrapped around my fingers and it made those same fingers twitch now with an impulse born of desire as I kept them safely in the pockets of the duster. Only about a foot separated us, but it felt as though the temptation in the icy air made it non-existent.
It was a temptation that I knew I could never give into.
Smirking at me, Rose's tautly wound body began to loosen muscle by muscle and her beautiful features shifted to a look that I was also all too familiar with…glibly flippant with just a touch of mockery.
Considering that I had just found her violating the rules yet again, I was hoping that she might have expressed just a little bit of guilt at being caught instead of defiantly staring me down, but if she had, it would have given me more reason to be concerned because it wouldn't be Rose.
Tugging the thin layer of her sleep-wear around her as a hard shiver shook her curvy frame and her arms wrapped around her upper torso, Rose replied to my question in a tone dryer than the winter air as the taunting grin continued to curve upwards. "I'm testing dorm security. It sucks."
Feeling the curl of amusement shift through the muscles of my mouth as my concern simmered more quietly in the background, a reluctant grin spread across them as I watched the last of whatever had caused her irritation bleed away.
I was naturally still curious about what had driven her to such a reaction, but as I was finding it far easier right now to deal with Rose's warped sense of humour than having to actually deal with every other emotion she evoked within me, I wasn't about to press her for the reasons behind it until I absolutely needed to.
Watching as another hard shudder shook her body with enough force to rattle her teeth, Rose's gaze darted over the leather covering me as her shoulders hunched inwards for warmth. Frowning in concern, I begun to shrug out from under the duster to give it to her, wondering all the while why she had nothing on that would provide any warmth against the elements.
"You must be freezing. Do you want my coat?"
Shaking her head quickly and forestalling the offer even as she looked at the duster with envious eyes, Rose made a visible effort to straighten her frame and unwind her arms in an attempt to convince me, and maybe herself as well, that she wasn't cold.
"I'm fine. What are you doing out here? Are you testing security too?"
Holding my tongue at her stubbornness and lack of common sense – she had spent the majority of her life in Montana and knew how harshly unforgiving the winters could be – I opted instead to cover my annoyance by shifting the leather back over the width of my shoulders, shaking out the sides and lifting the collar at my nape for additional warmth.
"I am security," came my counter a second later, ignoring the fact that Rose was very deliberately changing the subject without even bothering to hide that it was obvious. "This is my watch."
Nodding once, Rose looked around the empty grounds as the wind continued to whip against us and her curling locks wrapped around her face and neck.
Sweeping them aside irritably, she gathered the mass to the side of her neck and tucked it into the gaping neckline of the robe. My own was no better behaved and I found myself constantly tucking the wayward strands behind my cold ears.
Shivering again violently against the temperatures that felt as though they were dropping instead of rising as midday passed over us, I was about to simply take off the duster and put it over her shoulders without asking, but when Rose turned towards me again, the expression on her flawless face stopped me because it wasn't one of irritation or mockery, but one of misery.
It was gone before I could take a second look; her feature's rearranging themselves into a neutral expression she had learnt from me, but I had seen it nevertheless, and although I couldn't be sure, I suddenly had a clearer understanding of her strange mood.
Mason.
Twisting her body away from mine suddenly as his name echoed with eerie sadness through my head, Rose angled herself towards the Dhampir dorm, eager it seemed, to make her escape as she threw over her shoulder. "Well, good work. I'm glad I was able to help test your awesome skills. I should be going now."
Unsettled by what I had seen on Rose's face and unwilling for her to leave before I got the actual truth out of her, I found my fingers reaching out between the distance that was still between us despite the promise I had made to keep them to myself.
If it was Mason's death that was now haunting her through the tormented memories of her guilty conscious, it was something that had to be dealt with before it completely derailed her. She had worked too hard since returning to the academy to allow something that every guardian knew was an eventuality to muck that up.
"Rose –" I began, deliberately hardening my voice so that she wouldn't misunderstand that I wasn't going to allow her to evade what I wanted.
Reaching out to stop her as she made to move past me, the instant my fingers curled around the forearm and wrist that had been exposed by the billow of the wind beneath her sleeve, I knew I had made a mistake…a mistake that hadn't been created by stopping her from walking away, but by touching her
Jolting shockwaves of electrifying hunger surged from my fingertips to the base of my spine; flooding my blood stream, nerve endings and every muscle in between with the clenching shock of a desire so powerful it felt as though it had scorched the flesh at the point of contact.
Releasing her so fast that it felt as though I had recoiled on my feet, I eyed Rose warily…as though she was a puzzle I could never solve or an adversary that I could never beat, watching as she eyed me just as cagily, withdrawing her arm as swiftly as I had let it go.
Shoving my hand back into the pocket of the duster as I struggled to find my rickety equilibrium, I forced myself to ask the question I had wanted answered before I had lost the ability to function properly.
"What are you really doing out here?"
Viewing a flash of familiar rebellion arch her brows and purse her lips, I half expected Rose to flatly refuse to answer me, but whatever it was that she saw on my face seemed to convince her that a mutiny right now wasn't the wise decision.
"I had a bad dream. I wanted some air."
Listening intently for any inflection in her voice and watching for any guilty twitch of muscle that would have told me she was lying, I found none, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that although she was telling me the truth, it wasn't the whole truth.
"And so you just rushed out?" I voiced with incredulity, still watching her cautiously.
Rose was usually very good at hiding her facial nuances, but I had already learnt to read even those she thought she had…all I had to do was wait for her to slip up. "Breaking the rules didn't cross your mind – and neither did putting on a coat."
Sighing, Rose nodded again whilst looking somewhere over my left shoulder. She wouldn't meet my eyes, but I could see everything she had to display. She wasn't even bothering to hide from me. Maybe because she knew that I wouldn't push her right now when we both knew that I should have.
"Yeah. That pretty much sums it up."
Exasperatedly shaking my head at her, the humour I had felt before was instantly overshadowed by the frustration I felt at her rash behaviour.
"Rose, Rose. You never change. Always jumping in without thinking."
Turning sharply to face me and my accusation, the look of fiery indignation flaring brightly in the dark depths of Rose's exotically shaped brown eyes instantly put me on guard. That I had pissed her off was obvious, but to what extent, I wasn't sure.
Having witnessed her fury more times than I could count, I was well aware of what she was capable of when angry. Knowing that I could easily subdue her during even the worst of her rages or more often than not, talk her right out of them had always been a small comfort, but as I watched her facial muscles tighten and clench in ire, I suddenly felt as though it was too small a comfort.
"That's not true," she challenged aggressively; facing me fully to glare, but behind the anger of her objection, there was something else swirling beneath the fury in her narrowed eyes…something that looked like sorrow and it made my stomach clench sickeningly in response.
"I've changed a lot."
Watching over her gravely as she completed the rant far less aggressively than it had begun, I reluctantly agreed with her and thought once more of Mason Ashford's life and the incident that had cut it so tragically short.
"You're right. You have changed."
Surviving the nightmare of the Spokane horror would have left an indelible mark on anyone; adult Moroi, qualified guardian or Dhampir novice, and for the four that had walked away from it, they was no exception.
For Christian, it had simply become another harrowing experience at the hands of Strigoi that he had somehow managed to survive and although there had been no outward signs of visible withdrawal over the last three weeks, there was something that had hardened irrevocably about him.
With the death of her mother, Mia had not only lost a parent, but the substitute of the academy in the aftermath of the ordeal. Removed by her widowed father to Court, she had spent only enough time here to attend Mason's funeral but as she had stood looking over his lowering casket, the unstoppable tears that had tracked down her pallid cheeks had said enough in her absence.
Survivor's guilt was what Eddie was suffering from, but it was something that would take time to overcome. No matter how hard he fought against it. The feeling of helpless resentment would never disappear, despite knowing he could never have done anything different…not with the incapacitating blood loss and endorphins raging through his system.
Mason had been his closest friend and a void like that was not easily filled. It was something that I knew a little about.
And for Rose – for Rose the change had been the most profound…and the most wrenching to witness.
Watching as she had crumbled from the crippling grief in her mother's arms, I had been terrified that she would never recover from the emotional and physical trauma of the experience, and although she had made a full physical recovery, there was a part of her psyche that would never fully heal…not when she placed the blame of Mason's death squarely on her shoulders.
Rose knew that the only reason he had returned to the house for her instead of staying in the safety of the sun's light was because he cared about her. Affection had been his demise, and it was something that she would never forgive herself for.
Speaking of it to me only once after our return to the academy, I knew that despite what I had told her about not being responsible for the consequences of other people's actions, she wouldn't ever be able to see past the guilt.
And how could I honestly say that it was wrong of her to feel that way when Ivan's death had affected me in exactly the same way? I hadn't been responsible or even directly involved, but the pain of his loss hadn't eased because of it. It left a mark on your soul that could never be erased.
For the most part, I had learnt to live with it, but for Rose, the toll seemed all the more difficult to make peace with. I had hoped after the funeral that she would be able to move past it and to a certain extent it seemed as though she had, but there was something about her now that seemed all the more grim for it…like she had buried a part of her soul on the day she had helped to bury Mason.
Looking over her now as the irate defence of her conduct drained away completely, Rose frowned at me in consternation as she became concerned by whatever it was she could see on my face. I knew that I was looking down at her worriedly, but the gut-clenching pain radiating from my heart wouldn't be ignored.
Somehow instinctively knowing that my thoughts were tied to her own and that they would only take us down a far darker path than either of us was prepared to walk right now, Rose worried her lower lip before plastering a false smile of enthusiasm on her tight features in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"Well, don't worry. My birthday's coming up. As soon as I'm eighteen, I'll be an adult, right? I'm sure I'll wake up that morning and be all mature and stuff."
I could see what it cost her to find any humour in the moment that was filled with none and it snapped me out of my own gloomy reverie.
Reacting to her tone more than the actual words and wanting nothing more than to see the strain wiped from her face, I felt the muscles around my mouth unlock from the grief that had made them rigid in the first place and transform into a smile that cost me almost as much.
Once again brushing aside the strands of loose hair blowing across my face and tucking them behind my ears, Rose did the same with her own as my comment carried in the wind. "Yes, I'm sure. What is it, about a month?"
I knew exactly when her birthday was, but some perverse urge made me ask anyway. When searching for her and Lissa last year, I had memorized all their biographical information in the hope that it would somehow provide a clue as to their whereabouts.
It hadn't really leant itself to the task as trying to out-think and anticipate Rose's attempts to evade us had proved challenging in ways I had never expected, but it was still embedded in my memory.
Rocking back and forth between her bare toes and heels, Rose answered pertly whilst avoiding my searching eyes; striving to look as though her reply was nothing more than a casual response to an equally casual question. Which she failed at… miserably.
"Thirty-one days."
"Not that you're counting." I responded just as offhandedly, but the grin stretching my mouth was growing wider by the second in spite of myself. Engaging in the kind of verbal sparring that had always formed so naturally between us was a relief after the morose topic we had strayed onto…it was just one of the things that I would miss during the field experience.
Looking momentarily guilty, Rose's slender shoulders rose beneath her thin covering in a self-conscious shrug that made me chuckle.
"I suppose you've made a birthday list too. Ten pages? Single-spaced? Ranked by order of priority?"
Meaning the remark to be more teasing than serious – Rose was anything but organized – the glint of deviltry in her eyes told me she knew what I was up and was about to respond in kind, but just as quickly, the mirth in her expression disappeared and was replaced by something else…something that didn't resemble the sorrow for Mason's memory but a sadness of a different kind that I couldn't place.
Again wrapping her arms tightly around her torso, Rose stared intently at my face for a moment before she looked away and down; fidgeting for a moment with a loose thread on the sleeve of her robe before replying in a barely discernible whisper that was almost lost to the howl of the wind.
"No. No list."
Still curiously confused as to what had given her a look that was almost defeated, my head tipped to the right for a better angle in which to see her face; brushing aside the hair in my face absently this time and paying it almost no attention.
"I can't believe you don't want anything. It's going to be a boring birthday."
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you –"
Forcing myself to stop before I could complete the question because I knew the answer would be disastrous for both of us, the realisation of what she wanted…what we both wanted, lashed through me. Watching her carefully; sensitive to every hint of her expression as she looked at me, the stark longing on her face was painful to watch in the seconds before she looked away.
Clenching my fingers into fists of physical frustration; the same frustration I had been running to shake earlier, I felt the ease of the atmosphere around us dissipate faster than weak fog in strong morning sun.
Knowing that if we continued on with this it would only become more difficult to deal with and would dredge up feelings that neither of us were capable of dealing with at the moment, I cleared my throat and purposely ended the conversation by insisting I take her inside, using the increasing cold and her lack of covering as a handy excuse.
"You can deny it all you want, but I know you're freezing. Let's go inside. I'll take you in through the back."
Looking up at me sharply, the frown of disbelief that Rose sent me spoke volumes even as another powerful shiver jolted her.
She knew as well as I did that my philosophy in regards to her was to never let her withdraw into herself and that I often forced her to talk when it was the last thing she wanted to do. For me to now wave that for any reason made her suspicious.
Turning towards the dorm whilst not giving her the opportunity to question my odd behaviour, I waited until she was at my side before we walked back. I should have quickened my stride as her shorter legs would force her to walk faster and she would be inside that much sooner, but I found myself almost lingering to have her with me for a few seconds longer.
You're being stupid, Dimitri. I argued silently with myself, finding my eyes locked ahead but my peripheral vision fixed firmly on Rose. Stop delaying and get her inside before she's caught. She can't afford any further complications right now.
It was unlikely that she would be found by any of the others, but it was still irresponsible to take the chance and so despite wanting her near me, I did hasten my pace. Thankfully Rose could read the situation as easily as we could reach each other and didn't comment on my increased speed, joking with me instead.
"I think you're the one who's cold. Shouldn't you be all tough and stuff, since you're from Siberia?"
Snorting in reluctant laughter beneath my breath, I glanced down at her as she grinned knowingly but didn't look at me.
Rose's stereotypical idea's – all wrong – about the land of my birth; the land that she knew almost nothing about save for what she might have heard before, should have rankled with me but with her, I could never find enough offended patriotism to react.
"I don't think Siberia's exactly what you imagine." I corrected mildly, looking out for anyone on duty as we rounded the corner of the dorm and headed for the fire exit. If I took her back through the front entrance, the lobby monitor would have to report her for breaching the conduct rules and no amount of vouching on my part would stop that.
Avoiding an icy puddle, Rose glanced up at me and honestly admitted. "I imagine it as an arctic wasteland."
"Then it's definitely not what you imagine."
And honestly, how could she know what it was really like? Her assumption wasn't one of a kind…only those who had lived off the land and had grown from it could ever really appreciate its beauty. Southern Siberia was as far from an arctic wasteland as Montana was, but that wasn't something I could explain...it was something she would have to see for herself.
Slowing down slightly, I fell a little behind Rose as I peered around the gym, looking for any shadows that would have meant trouble for her and thought about what I was actually contemplating. I couldn't exactly show her around Russia, not whilst we were on active duty and being together when we weren't would mean things that I couldn't think about right now…things that I couldn't think about ever.
"Do you miss it?"
Looking ahead towards her, Rose had looked back over her shoulder to ask as she rounded the corner of the dorm and stood beside a large copse of berryless, winter-withered holly trees bordering the walkway.
Did I miss it? Of course I did…how could I not? It was home and although I had spent more time in recent years away from it, the longing lure of the motherland was still as strong today as it had been when I had first left after graduating.
My mother would claim on the rare occasions I returned that it was her cooking I missed the most; my grandmother her stories and my sisters their constant fussing, but it was more than that. It was a tangible connection that could never be found anywhere else.
"All the time." Walking towards her again as I replied, I stopped a few inches away; helping to shield her against the wind as she huddled out of sight, again thinking about things that I shouldn't be. "Sometimes I wish – "
"Belikov!"
