EPOV

I lay in the bed provided by the furnishing agents of the little hovel that was my apartment in Rio de Janeiro. The lights of Christ the Redeemer illuminated the night sky. Once again, the sun had parted to the west.

Another day gone.

I breathed in shallowly, then forced the air out, only to release very little of the tension that wound its way through me since I had finally forced myself to leave her.

Another day without the force that propelled me through my shabby existence… another day without Bella. Another day without the presence of the woman I loved and craved… but not another night.

I knew that whatever my mind had managed to conjure up could be no more than an illusion. Indeed, I had been deceived by some strange thing which produced a false and misleading impression of reality for many nights now. I had enough sense to know that I wasn't dreaming, for I never slept. Yet if it was not dreaming then what might it be? Had I finally caved in and gone mad?

Probably so.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax. I waited patiently for the warm arms that would come to siphon the remaining few drops of my precious sanity. I decided that if I thought on the matter too much then she might not come again. I might realize that she had never come and never would. I might understand that I was making all of this up and the only reason I was seeing anything at all was because I so very much wanted to see her again. But I could not go home again. I could never allow myself to get involved in her life in any degree. I tried repeating those conclusions over and over in my mind, but the truth was that my will was beginning to waver. I tried to approach it from another angle: I had to hope for the best… well, for her best. I would have to hope that she would be brave and move on without me; that she would find someone new to love. With how many guys that thought of nothing other than my Bella, that should not be such a difficult thing for fate to conjure up. That thought brought with it an onslaught of despair, and I rolled over in an attempt to shut my mind off and let it wander wherever it may. I had to pierce my heart over and over again as I reminded myself that the beautiful schoolgirl who wandered through the halls of Forks High was no longer my Bella. In leaving her I left her an open target for other guys to woo.

I lay there for only few moments more before I felt the hallucination's warm arms wrap around my body, and the soft graze of her breasts as she pressed herself to my back.

"You've come back," I whispered.

She ran her fingers through my disarranged hair. I languished in these moments.

"As I said I would," she replied.

"Why do you come to me?" I asked boldly, not daring to look her in her deep chocolate eyes while voicing my curiosity. "How is it that you are here, Bella? Are you in my mind, but I can somehow feel you and hear you with perfect clarity?"

"I come to you because I love you," she said quietly. I relished in how her warm breath rushed across the back of my neck as she spoke. "As for how I am here, I can hardly say. I don't really understand it at all."

"Neither do I," I murmured, keeping my back to her front still.

I thought of how my dreams for our happy future could never come true; not without taking her life away from her. I couldn't bring myself to do it: I couldn't bring myself to change her; to alter her in any way. She was perfect as she was and she would stay that way as long as I didn't rush in and interfere with her life again. She was willing once, to be changed, and I was almost sure she would be so inclined to prefer it still. But I had already decided that I couldn't do that: I couldn't go back again. All that I had left of her for my own greedy self were memories of our past; memories that I clung to with every ounce of life I pretended to have. The recollections of what once was would have to suffice for as long as I walked this degenerate earth. I couldn't be so greedy as to return and make more for myself.

I turned over to meet her lovely face with a kiss, for this mirage that entered my room each time the sun went down was all I had now, and all I had the right to hope for. Her lips parted slightly as I kissed them.

"Sometimes I want more than this," I admitted.

"More than what?" she asked.

"I know you aren't really here."

"What makes you say that, Edward?"

"I know if I go back to Forks that you will actually be there. So, you are not truly here with me. I pine for you so greatly that I make myself believe that I am kissing your lips. I want them so badly… I want you so badly, Bella."

"You have me now," she said firmly. "You wouldn't stay with me, so I've come to you. I am real, Edward," she argued meekly, "In greater measure than you may realize."

"Why can you not stay with me in the day then?"

"I could, if you really wanted me to."

"Believe me, Bella, when I tell you that I do want that."

"I can't let you have it," she said, turning away from me.

"Wait," I pleaded, "Why not? Why can't I have you all the time?"

"You would have to come find me, Edward. You don't want that."

"Find you how?" I asked, pulling her back toward me and wrapping my arms around her now.

"Find me…" A worried look swept over her face as she tried to turn her head away from me. My hand gently guided her chin back toward me so that I could at least look in her eyes, even if she wouldn't look in mine. "Find me… as I really am," she whispered.

"As you really are?"

"I am not how you left me, Edward. I am not…" Her voice gradually faded as she spoke so that she ended without giving me even a clue as to what she was getting at.

"You are not what?" I prodded, hoping she would let me in on some sort of factual thing. Yet, how could she have? She wasn't really Bella… was she?

She didn't say anything at all. Her mouth opened as if she might complete her previous thought, but she shook her head quickly and bit her lip.

"I will visit you, then," I decided. "I will go to Forks and see you and not let you see me. That way this part of you will stay with me forever, even if I am just going crazy and making you all up."

I laughed suddenly at realizing that I was giving in to my own subconscious demand, made by a part of me I didn't even realize I had. There was some deep, hidden inherency residing in me that would not let itself die until I saw Bella. Fine. I could handle that. I would go see her while keeping my distance and then this illusion would be with me be it night or day. Whatever. At this point I would cave into myself out of reckless want for her strange presence.

"I don't want you to find me that way," she said.

"What way?" I asked. "Have you moved on, then? Are you happy with someone else?"

I have to admit that the idea of her and another man did sting a little, but it was the best case scenario for her, and after all was said and done I would still get to keep some part of her… some made up, crazy part that wasn't really there, but which I could at least allow myself to believe was.

"It's not that," she said, turning her head away from me again. "It's really… actually… quite the opposite. I don't think you are prepared to see what I have become, Edward. Please, don't return to Forks."

"You are still sad? You are unwilling to move on without me?" I guessed.

Is that what this was all about then? Was it my responsibility to return to her and encourage her to move on? Wouldn't her seeing me face to face again crush any possibility of that happening though? I wished that she would just tell me plainly why she couldn't be with me all the time; however, without her elaborating on the matter I was forced to assume things.

"I am happy because I am here with you," she insisted.

"Sometimes you are," I argued, "But not all the time. And you can't be with me always, can you? Not until I find the real you and comfort you."

My fingers glided down her back and across the slight curve in her hips as I held her closely to me for a long while. The peaceful rest was disrupted, however, by an obnoxious sound.

I spun toward my phone to ignore whoever was calling me this time.

Alice.

I hit the button that would reject my sister's call and then turned back around toward Bella; however, she was no longer there. I searched my room as I always did each time she disappeared.

I sat up on my bed and shook my head, again running my hands through my hair.

"I would do anything to keep some part of you," I whispered, hoping she would somehow hear me.

I reached for the phone, fully aware that over the last several months I had rejected thousands of calls from my family. I don't know what made me do it this time… but I did it. I scrolled through the missed calls and found Alice's number. I pressed the button that would return her call.