"Is that...a condom?" I ask, and am gratified to see the (probably female) penguins' affirmative nods.

Never having been good at problem solving, I ponder for a moment over why this might be necessary.

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX!" the pink penguin screeches, and before I have time to accept the tempting offer I am bowled over by a mass of seething feathers, beaks and claws.

"Wait just a moment!"

I scream for dramatic effect, but my efforts are lost on the penguins. Bitches.