*Spock*
Spock stopped himself before knocking on McCoy's door. He could hear the two arguing. He stood there trying to understand what was going on, unsure if he should make his presence known.
"You do this every time!"
"You know how I am! If you don't like it why do you want to be around me?"
"Damn it Jimmy, you can't run from everything!"
"He's the one that 'ran away' this time."
"He had things to do!"
"Just get out of my way!"
"No!"
Spock sighed and finally knocked on the door. He didn't bother waiting for the doctor to answer. Opening the door he walked in and shut the door. He took in the scene before saying anything. McCoy was standing a few feet in front of him between Jim and the door. The doctor was looking back over his shoulder as Spock entered. Jim stood almost toe to toe with the doctor glaring at him. When Jim finally looked at Spock there was a flicker of some emotion before it disappeared behind a look of indifference.
"So what brings you back," Jim asked.
"The simplest answer? You," Spock told him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"That could take some time. Perhaps we should sit down?"
Spock raised an eyebrow while he waited. Jim finally stalked over to the couch and dropped onto it. Spock turned to the doctor; McCoy crossed his arms but didn't move. Shaking his head Spock finally walked over to the couch and sat down.
"I do apologize for not being here earlier. There were some things I had to think through. I have recently had a," Spock paused searching for an appropriate word. "A 'startling' revelation. I required some time to analyze it."
"Just what is the 'startling revelation'?"
Spock searched for the best way to put this. "Occasionally a Vulcan will find someone they feel a certain connection with. Usually both parties are Vulcan, but not always, as was such with my mother and father. In light of certain events, especially my actions last night at the bar, I think I might be feeling the effects from such a bonding.
"How is that even possible this early," McCoy asked as he walked over and stood next to the recliner.
"Wait," Jim interjected. "What?"
"Sometimes a Vulcan will feel a 'bond' with someone. A pull to be with that person and only that person. It only happens once though. It is an innate thing. We cannot control when or if it happens."
"Vulcan's mate Jim," McCoy interrupted. "Some get 'married', as you would think of it, but mating is different. More intense, as I understand it. More permanent..."
"So... You're saying you feel compelled to be with because of this 'bonding'? Not for any other reason?"
"No." Spock chose his words carefully. "I wish to be with you because I care about you. Bonding just adds to the feelings already present. The doctor is correct though. Usually it does not occur so soon. I am in no way pushing you for more than you're willing to give. I just wanted to be completely honest with you."
"So what exactly does this mean," Jim asked.
"For me or for you?"
"Both."
"For you? I doubt anything significant. Generally a non-Vulcan half of a bonded pair does not experience any change. Some have but the aspects they acquired were usually smaller ones. Knowing when the other was thinking of them, knowing what the other was feeling, little things like that."
"And you?"
Spock hesitated. "For me? It would be 'difficult' for me to see you in danger or lose you. Vulcans do not do well if they lose their mates."
"Difficult how?"
"I am not sure answering that is a good idea."
"Why?"
"I do not wish to push you."
"Tell him," McCoy insisted. "Tell him and maybe you can beat it into his thick skull that you love him and aren't going to leave."
"Who the fuck's talking about love," Jim yelled at the doctor.
"He is! Aren't you listening to him," McCoy yelled back.
Spock tried to interject. "Doctor-"
"There's no way he feels that right now!"
Spock tried again. "Jim-"
"Open your ears and pay attention! What the hell do you think 'bonding' is?"
"Enough," Spock yelled. Strangely, both stopped yelling at each other and turned to face him. Pressing on while he had their attention he addressed the doctor first. "I was attempting not to put pressure on him and push for too much, too fast." He turned to Jim. "The doctor is not far from the truth. It would be similar to what you think of as love. For a bonded Vulcan, though, it is a little... stronger than that. If I were to lose you I would learn to cope but the experience would be... 'more than unpleasant'."
Spock watched Jim process everything.
"What do you mean unpleasant? How does it happen? Why? What comes first? When did this start? Are you sure? Can you be mistaken?"
Spock did his best to answer the questions succinctly. He purposely ignored the first question. "It just happens. We cannot control it. I do not know why. Love would come first. If it truly is love the bond happens. As I stated, we cannot control it. I believe it started just after we were... together. After thinking though everything, yes, I am sure. I do not believe I am mistaken about this."
Jim just stared at him.
"Would it help to ask more questions?"
"I'm not sure anything would be helpful right now. God, I'm too sober for this."
"No, you deal with this first," McCoy ordered.
"I didn't say I was going to drink. Just that I wanted too," Jim snapped. "I don't... I mean... How does this work?"
"Nothing changes," Spock informed him. For you... If Jim decided to break this off...
Unpleasant didn't begin to describe what happened when a Vulcan lost their mate. That was why the bonding usually only happened between Vulcans and generally took longer to happen. So that both parties knew how they truly felt and if the relationship would work. Also because it was based in the love that person already felt for their partner. Theoretically, though, it could happen at anytime they knew they loved each other. But I didn't know I loved him, Spock thought.
*Jim*
He really, really couldn't do this right now. Yeah, he cared about Spock. Yeah, he wanted to keep him. He could totally see spending forever with the man. The problem was he always screwed up everything. How the hell was he supposed to deal with this. Unable to sit still James stood and started to pace. So... basically Spock was saying he loved him?
*McCoy*
McCoy watched Jim stand and tensed to stop him from leaving. When Jim started pacing McCoy relaxed slightly and waited. Now was not a good time to push Jim overtly. The only thing he could do was wait and make sure Jim did deal with this. Jim stopped and turned back to them. He opened his mouth to say something and shut it again. Jim resumed pacing and McCoy resisted the urge to grab the boy and shake sense into him.
Finally Jim stopped pacing again.
"So, does this effect anything on the Enterprise?"
"In truth? Only if I were to lose you. I cannot predict how I might react at that point."
McCoy mentally eye-rolled. Spock was putting things lightly. He had been there when Spock's father had lost his wife. He'd done everything he could to help the man. Nothing had been particularly effective. No drug or treatment could effectively dull the pain of a Vulcan losing their mate so there was very little he could do. If Spock were to ever lose Jim? Not going there.
"Does it change anything else," Jim asked.
"No. I will still not press you."
"But you want to?"
Spock hesitated. "Honestly? I want to wake up with you every morning. I want your face to be the first thing I see waking up and the last thing I see before I sleep. I will be happy with whatever I can have. Don't get me wrong, I want everything about you. But I want it when you're ready. Not before. The very last thing I want is to press for this and end up with nothing. Can you understand that?"
"Honestly? No."
*Jim*
James resumed pacing. Spock wanted precisely what he wanted? How weird was that? Spock just wasn't going to push for it because he thinks I'm not ready to want the same thing? What the hell? To be fair, James wasn't sure if he was ready for it, he just knew he wanted it. He had wanted it for a long time now he just didn't think Spock would want him. He was going to have to find out more about this 'bonding' thing. James stopped pacing while he was facing away from them both.
"I do want you," James finally admitted. "It's just hard."
"Wanting me," Spock asked.
James snorted and turned around to face the others. "That part was easy." He sighed. "Accepting you want me is hard. I can't explain it right now, please don't ask. It's just hard to believe. You know?"
"No. I accept it though."
James snorted again.
*McCoy*
McCoy stared at the Vulcan. Jesus, it was almost as if he knew exactly how to reach Jim. How did he know precisely what to say? Bond, McCoy reminded himself. Still, they hadn't known each other for near long enough for Spock bond with Jim in the first place or read him like that. Sure Jim was still defensive but the Vulcan was cutting through it faster than McCoy ever could, even with how well he knew Jim.
"Jim," Spock began. He waited until Jim turned back to face them before continuing. "I did not tell you this to push you faster than you are ready for. I did try to tell you it might be best not to know some specifics."
"No! I mean I need to know this stuff. Geez, just give me time to understand this."
"You have all the time you need. I promised you I would not press this." Spock paused for a moment. "Others have hurt you," he observed.
McCoy tensed and Jim's eyes narrowed at the doctor.
"I didn't say anything," McCoy declared instantly. "Not one damn thing."
"The doctor did not tell me anything personal. Please believe that. You mistrust people that care for you. You do not understand why anyone would care for you. It was only a logical conclusion," Spock stated tiredly.
"And no, I am not pushing for you to discuss anything with me. Not until you are ready."
"That'll be the day," McCoy huffed.
Spock ignored the doctor. "I have a request. Do not decide anything yet. Think over everything first. Please?"
*Jim*
Did Spock think he was getting ready to break this off?
"I want you," James told Spock. "I just need time, okay?"
Spock smiled sadly and didn't meet his eyes. "Time I have. I just worry how I will react if I press too hard and lose you."
Spock finally met his eyes and gifted him with a real smile. James couldn't help but smile back. I'm definitely not going to be the one that ends this relationship. "Right, I think we could all use some sleep now."
"Sleep," Bones asked raising an eyebrow.
James winced at the implied accusation.
"I assure you doctor. If I may stay, I would do no more than sleep tonight."
James glanced to Bones waiting to see what the doctor would say.
"Fine. But sleep better be all you do," McCoy warned.
*Spock*
Spock closed his eyes lightly as he finally relaxed. As much as he couldn't bare the thought of losing Jim he couldn't press this. He knew Jim too well. If he pushed Jim he would definitely lose him. Jim had to make the decision on his own. So far so good, he comforted himself.
*Jim*
The next few days were good. Better than James would have anticipated. Maybe things were really going to be okay. There were meetings with Starfleet, all kinds of people vying for his time and every now and then his self-doubt threatened to break through. Throughout everything though, there was Spock. James whistled as he left the Starfleet building. Luckily this trip had been short. He didn't care much for the bureaucracy aspect. He'd feel so much better when they were back on the Enterprise and back in space. Maybe he should see what Spock was up to? He changed course and headed for Spock's apartment instead of going back to Bones'. An idea struck him and he stopped. They hadn't actually had an official 'date' yet. Hm, well it was time to fix that. He'd make a quick stop or two before heading to Spock's.
"Anyone home," he called out as he let himself in. No one answered him and James tried to remember if Spock had somewhere he was supposed to be. Nothing sprang to mind so he shrugged and began unpacking.
*Spock*
When Spock opened the door the first thing he noticed were the lights. He always turned them off when he left. The second thing he noticed was the smell of food. Cautiously he let himself the rest of the way into his apartment and shut the door. The logical conclusion would be Jim but he hadn't said anything about stopping by. There was a noise from the bathroom and Spock waited. Jim walked out and smiled when he noticed Spock by the front door.
"Hey, welcome back."
"This is unexpected."
Jim shrugged. "Figured we needed to have our first date," he said with a grin.
"First date," Spock asked, amused.
"Yeah, I don't figure the first night counted as a date," Jim told him. "I mean, there wasn't even any food," Jim said making a face.
"Could you perhaps refresh me on some of the details from that night," Spock asked with a smirk.
"Are you saying you've forgotten some of the details," Jim asked mischievously.
"Not any of the important ones," Spock assured him playfully.
"Food first."
"Desert?"
"After."
"Only if you promise."
"Agreed," Jim said laughing.
.
Dinner was actually surprising; Jim cooked instead of grabbing take out.
"Where did you learn to cook?"
"It comes with living on your own. It was cook or starve so I learned to make semi-ediable stuff." Jim smiled.
"It's better than semi-edible, Jim."
Jim shrugged and took another bite. "It's quick and easy, is what it is."
"Do you ever cook when you're at the doctor's place."
Jim almost choked on the bite of food before he swallowed it and laughed. "No. I offered to cook once and he turned me down. Adamantly, I might add. Personally I think he's worried I would burn down his apartment. Actually I kind of like cooking. I think I miss making breakfast the most. It's fine though, less dishes for me."
"You do dishes?"
"Only when I stay there." Jim shrugged. "It works out since I don't pay anything for staying there and I use more dishes than he does."
Spock shook his head. Jim cooked and did dishes? Who would have guessed?
.
When they finished eating Spock cleared the table. "You cooked, I'll do the dishes later," he told Jim. Jim gave him a nod and made his way to the living room. Spock loaded the dishes into the sink and stood there for a moment thinking about everything. It was nice to come back to dinner and Jim. He could get used to this. You already are, he realized and shook his head. Everything about this just felt right.
Needing to talk to someone about bonding with Jim, Spock had contacted the other Spock. There were so many questions and only a few people he could ask. He decided to talk with the other Spock instead of his... their... father. He didn't want to discuss this with Sarek after the man just lost his mate. He smiled when he remembered the older Spock's parting words. "Spock, in this case do yourself a favor. Put aside logic, do what feels right."
"Hey, what's the hold up," Jim called from the living room.
Spock smiled. "On my way." When he entered the living room Jim was sitting on the couch holding something up.
"I grabbed a movie."
Spock smiled again, "Dinner and a movie?"
Jim shrugged. "It sounded good?"
.
He blinked a few times trying to figure out where he was.
Home, his mind told him. Spock frowned, this was not where he had grown up. Home, his mind insisted. Carefully he inspected the living room he found himself in. No pictures on the walls, one couch, two chairs. There was an end table near the far side of the couch with a lamp on it. Heavy curtains hung from the windows making it unusually dark for midafternoon. He didn't recognize anything.
A sound from somewhere else caught Spock's attention and he turned trying to find what it was. He strained trying to hear the noise again but there was no other sound. He turned slowly trying to see if anything looked familiar. Spock's eyes paused on the staircase.
'There,' his mind insisted. With nothing else to go on Spock followed his instincts and climbed the stairs. There were four doors at the top.
'There,' his mind insisted again; the second one on the right. Again, Spock followed instincts. He paused momentarily with his hand on the door knob. Should he really be going through someone else's house? 'Yes,' the voice in his mind said. Spock frowned at the incessant voice. There was something else inside pushing him to open the door. He tried to figure out what it was but it eluded him. Carefully he turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. The room was sparsely furnished but what caught Spock's attention was the small blonde child sitting on the bed. The kid's eyes immediately fixated on Spock.
"Hello," Spock said. There's something about his eyes, Spock thought.
"Hi," the kid said. "Who are you?"
"My name is Spock," Spock told him.
The kid cocked his head and inspected him. Spock waited.
"That's a weird name."
"What is your name?"
The child straightened. "My name is James. James T. Kirk," the child announced.
Spock's mouth opened slightly as his eyes widened. That's why he looked familiar.
"Why are you here," the kid asked.
Spock walked forward and crossed his legs as he sat down a few feet from the bed. "I don't know," he told the kid. "Where is here?"
The kid grinned and Spock instantly recognized it as one Jim's smiles. How did I not see it before?
"This is where I live," James said in an as-a-matter-of-fact voice. James moved to stand in front of Spock and inspected him some more. Spock noted several bruises on the kid's arms including one on the kid's forearm that looked like someone had grabbed him too hard.
"Why are your ears like that?"
"I am a Vulcan."
"What's that," James asked as he sat down in front of Spock.
"It is the name of people from the planet Vulcan."
The kid seemed to process that. He gave one sharp nod.
"What happened to your arm," Spock asked.
The kid screwed up his face in an angry expression and crossed his arms. "None of your business," he said defiantly.
He still looks just like himself when he does that, Spock thought. Spock smiled. Suddenly the anger disappeared from the kid's face and James leaned forward carefully inspecting Spock face. Spock waited.
"Do you have a mom?"
Spock frowned at the question. "I used to," he told James.
"Did she die?"
"Yes," Spock told him sadly.
"Mine too." the kid pressed his lips together and seemed to be thinking about something. "Wanna be friends?"
Spock smiled. "If you would like."
"Yeah. I think so."
"Okay then."
The sound of a door slamming echoed from somewhere on the bottom floor. James jumped up and looked over to the bedroom door. Spock glanced at the door then back to James. Something in the kid's face raised Spock's protective instincts. "What is it?"
James turned and looked at Spock like he had forgotten Spock was even there. "Are you going to stay?"
"Yes," Spock replied instantly.
James ran forward and hugged him. Spock reached down and put his arms protectively around the younger James. "You're safe with me here," he told James. "I will never let anything hurt you."
"I know," James whispered.
Spock's eyes flew open and he instantly turned to check on Jim. Jim was sleeping soundly on his side with a small smile on his face. Spock closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was a dream, just a dream. He took another deep breath and let it out. Opening his eyes he stared at the ceiling. It wasn't like any other dream he'd had before. Was it a dream? What if it was really a moment from Jim's past? Spock thought back to the look on the kid's face after they had heard the door slam. The kid had been terrified. He growled as he fought the urge hurt something.
A hand brushed his arm and Spock turned back to check on Jim. Jim mumbled something and Spock shifted his arm closer. Jim reached out again and settled his hand on Spock's arm. Jim mumbled again. Knowing what Jim wanted, Spock moved to lie closer to him. Jim snuggled into him and threw an arm across Spock.
"Mmm..." Jim murmured sleepily.
Spock put the arm Jim wasn't laying on over Jim's arm. He tried to fall asleep again but couldn't. If it was a real moment in Jim's past that came through because of the bond, this could be bad. For whatever reason Jim didn't want to talk about his past. If the reason Spock was guessing was correct, he could understand why. Should he say something about this? If he didn't say anything and Jim found out...
*Jim*
James opened eyes and yawned. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. For the first time in ages he slept comfortably. He could get used to this. Feeling loved... safe. James frowned, safe? He didn't need anyone to keep him safe, he kept himself safe. No one else had ever cared enough so he learned to depend on himself. He glanced over to Spock's side of the bed. And just where was Spock? How long had he been gone? James got out of bed and got dressed. Opening the bedroom door Jim paused. He smelled food; his stomach growled. He made his way to the kitchen.
"Good morning," Spock greeted him.
James nodded and sat down at the table. A wave of apprehension suddenly hit him and James shook it off. Where the hell did that come from, he thought.
"I got breakfast."
"You woke up early," James noted.
"Yes. Perhaps we should eat while it is warm?"
James looked at the food then back to Spock. "You're avoiding something." James watched Spock watching him. Finally Spock spoke.
"I am not avoiding entirely. I decided it could wait until after breakfast."
He considered Spock's statement and ran through all the potential meanings. What could wait? Doubt began to nag at him. He shoved it away. There were a lot of things this could be. It didn't have to be anything bad, he told himself. Then why won't he talk about it now? James shook his head to clear it.
"Jim?"
James looked up at Spock. Spock was watching him carefully. More doubt began to creep in. He tried to push it away again but it felt harder than it should have been. He had to know what was going on in Spock's head. "What aren't you telling me?"
"I think we should eat first," Spock replied.
James picked up a fork and stared at the food. Sure, he was hungry but he was too worried to eat. He picked at the food and finally looked up. "Got coffee?"
"No, sorry. I have tea," Spock offered.
Jim clenched his jaw. Stop, he ordered himself. Don't sabotage this. You're being way too defensive. Even more than normal this time. You need to stop. Now.
"No, thank you." he grit out.
"Are you alright?"
"No." Damn it!
*Spock*
Spock blinked in confusion. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"I tried to talk about it. You didn't want to talk about it," Jim yelled angrily.
"Jim-"
"No. I can't do... whatever this is."
Spock took a deep breath. "You can't do whatever, 'what' is," Spock asked carefully.
"And who doesn't have coffee in the morning?"
"Me," Spock said quietly, trying to figure out what was going on. "I can get some if you would like," he offered.
"Don't bother."
"Your argument is illogical, Jim. You are obviously upset about something else."
"I'm illogical? You don't have coffee in your house and I'm illogical?"
"This argument is illogical," Spock corrected him. "If you do not want to talk about what is wrong I cannot fix anything."
"Who says I need you to fix anything?"
"I see," Spock stated. He slowly stood up from the table. "I am going for a walk. If there is anything you wish to talk about when I return we can talk then," he said calmly. He walked to the door, opened it and carefully closed it behind himself. He stood there, outside his apartment, for a moment unable to think. He took a deep breath and released it slowly.
*Jim*
Jim sat stunned. Something was wrong. Yeah, he was worried about whatever Spock wanted to talk about but that reaction was a little strong, even for him. Actually it was way too strong he thought with a small frown. He shook his head. Doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to fix me, I can take care of myself. Then why do you feel abandoned? Jim growled. I do not feel abandoned! He looked down at the plate in front of him. Suddenly he wasn't hungry anymore. He looked around the apartment. Spock's apartment. He had to get out of here.
*Spock*
Spock felt his left eyebrow twitch. This outburst wasn't about coffee but damned if he knew what was wrong. He couldn't fix anything if he didn't know was wrong. He thought back on the conversation they'd had. It wasn't until Spock had postponed discussing his dream that Jim had gone from wary to agitated. Spock winced. Mistrust. Of course Jim was agitated when Spock avoided talking about what was wrong. Jim was friendly and outgoing, yes, but not trusting. When Spock postponed the discussion Jim's mind would have supplied an answer. Even if it was the wrong answer. Spock thought back about the dream again.
After he realized he wasn't going to be able to sleep anymore he had gotten up. Going into the living room Spock sat on the floor and meditated. When he finished meditating he spent time thinking about the various aspects of the 'dream'. He finally had to conclude it wasn't so much of a dream as it was a message through his bond to Jim. He felt the urge to hurt whatever had terrified the younger Jim and did his best to push it away.
*Jim*
No alcohol, he scolded himself. He still hadn't figured out what to do next. He sat on a bench in a park a few blocks from Bones' apartment while he thought about everything. No way he was going back to Bone's apartment right now and he couldn't go back to Spock's. What was going to happen when they had to report for duty again? Someone sat down next to him. James turned to his left and inspected the woman beside him; short with blonde hair and blue eyes. Completely, absolutely, one hundred percent nothing like Spock. She gave him a friendly smile and a lightbulb went off in his head. He knew how he would distract himself this time.
"James Kirk," he told her with his best grin.
"Tara," she replied while smiling.
Yep, definitely found his distraction.
*McCoy*
McCoy frowned at Spock's voice coming from the comm.
"McCoy here."
"Have you seen Jim recently?"
He frowned again. "Not since yesterday morning. He had a meeting at Starfleet and didn't come back here after it was over."
"I know. He came to my apartment."
"He went to your apartment and you're asking me where he is?" McCoy started to say something more when his door opened and Jim walked in. "I got him," he told Spock and promptly turned the communicator off.
"Heya Bones," Jim greeted with a blatantly false smile.
"I know you better than that Jim."
Jim dropped the smile and shrugged. Walking forward he plopped down on the couch and reached for the remote.
"No," McCoy told him snatching the remote up.
Jim shrugged again, put his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling.
McCoy rolled his eyes, locked his front door and sat in the recliner. "What happened with you and Spock?"
Jim scowled but said nothing.
"Damn it, tell me."
"Dunno really."
"You. Don't. Know?"
"Nope." Jim started whistling.
McCoy closed his eyes lightly. Give me the strength to help this kid. "If you don't tell me anything I'm asking Spock."
Jim stopped whistling and glared at the ceiling. "Fine," James finally answered. He sat up, leaned back scowling and crossed his arms. "I woke up. There was breakfast. Spock wouldn't talk to me. He left. I left. That about sums up everything. And yes, I locked his apartment. Hope he had his keys."
McCoy stared at Jim. "He got you breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Then he wouldn't talk to you?"
James hesitated and McCoy pounced.
"What wouldn't he talk about?"
"I don't know! I asked him but he said later."
"Then why didn't you wait til later?"
"He left first, doc. Not me."
"Why?"
"How should I know?"
"Because I know you. You know why."
To the doctor's surprise Jim didn't respond in another angry outburst. The kid closed his eyes and laid back down on the couch, curling onto his side. "Doesn't matter," James replied quietly.
McCoy softened his tone. "What happened?"
"I screwed up."
Warning bells were starting to go off in his head. "What happened Jimmy?"
Jim shook his head.
"He loves you, you know?"
"Not anymore he won't."
"He can't not love you Jim."
"He will," Jim insisted. "After today."
"What happened?"
"I... went home with someone."
McCoy opened his mouth to say something, couldn't think of anything and closed his mouth. Jim 'went home' with someone? He had sex? As in, he cheated on Spock?
"Yeah, I know," Jim said, startling McCoy out of his thoughts. "Wrong thing to do. It's not as bad as it seems, though."
McCoy stared at Jim in disbelief. "Not that bad? Did you really just say cheating on your partner was 'not that bad'?"
"I didn't."
"You didn't what? Cheat? Well, what the hell would you call sleeping with someone when you're dating someone else?"
"I didn't. I couldn't."
McCoy's mouth dropped open as he struggled to make sense of this.
"I couldn't do it. I've never cheated on anyone I was with before. I just stopped getting into relationships." Jim opened his eyes and looked at McCoy. "But I intended to when I went home with her."
"But you didn't sleep with her?"
"Couldn't. I just kept thinking about Spock and how she was nothing like him. All of a sudden I just couldn't do it." Jim closed his eyes. "Don't hate me Bones. I need..."
"A friend," McCoy asked softly.
Jim nodded. McCoy sighed and moved to sit in the floor next to the couch. He put a hand on Jim's shoulder and ignored the slight flinch. "I don't hate you kid. Do you mind if I tell you what I think?"
Jim was silent and McCoy waited patiently. Finally Jim nodded.
"I think you got scared. I think you care about him and that scares you, Jimmy. You're not used to letting people in. They've hurt you every time before."
"Doesn't matter anymore."
"It'll be okay, kid."
Just then there was a knock at his door. McCoy turned and watched someone try to open the door. When they couldn't open the locked door they knocked again. Spock, McCoy reasoned. He sighed to himself. If he didn't let Spock in he would more than likely break down the door. Keeping a Vulcan away from their mate was a poor idea.
"I have to let him in Jimmy."
Jim nodded and there was another knock on the door. Jim sat up and took a couple of deep breaths.
"Dr. McCoy," Spock called loudly from outside the apartment.
"Ready," Jim said.
*Spock*
If McCoy didn't open the door soon... Finally the doctor opened the door. Spock shoved McCoy out of the way and rushed past him. He stopped three feet away from the couch. Jim turned and smiled at him brightly.
The pain he felt from Jim belied the smile.
"We're bonded Jim; or at least I am. I know better," Spock told him.
Jim dropped the smile and looked away. "I have to tell you something."
"I should go first."
"No. I should go first," Jim insisted.
Spock looked to McCoy; McCoy shook his head. Spock frowned trying to understand what that meant.
"I went home with someone."
Spock's thoughts stopped dead. He couldn't seem to process that.
"Tell him the truth Jimmy," McCoy said immediately.
"It was the truth," Jim insisted.
Jim... went home with someone? He was with another person? Spock felt the anger building.
"You didn't sleep with them," McCoy stated.
Wait, what? Spock's mind halted and tried to reverse directions to follow that statement. Jim didn't have sex with someone else?
"Damn it Bones. Let me tell this."
"Damn it Jim, you don't tell a bonded Vulcan you went home with someone and stop there. He needed to know."
"Stop," Spock yelled.
The room fell silent.
Spock focused on the doctor. "Leave," he growled.
McCoy stared at Spock. "No. If I leave he'll shoot himself in the foot on purpose."
"I can take care of myself," Jim yelled back at the doctor.
"Stop," Spock yelled again. He tried to calm down as much as he could and turned to Jim. "Please start from the beginning," he said as calmly as he could manage.
"Can you sit down first," Jim asked. "Both of you. I need Bones to stay. Please?"
Spock pressed his lips together. Sitting. He could do that. He really wished the doctor could leave but he didn't want to deny Jim either. Not with the emotions he was feeling off of his mate. Spock nodded went to sit next to Jim. The look Jim gave him made him pause. Slowly he moved to the far end of the couch and sat on the floor instead. McCoy moved and sat in his recliner.
"He was right. I did not sleep with her," Jim said defiantly.
For a moment the image of the younger James was transposed onto this Jim. "None of your business." Spock again felt the need to protect the younger Jim from whatever had scared him. He had to get better control. Jim hadn't slept with anyone else?
"I was going to," Jim continued.
"Why," Spock whispered. He didn't trust himself to speak any louder right now.
"Because."
"Jim," Bones interjected.
Spock held up a hand without looking over at the doctor. "No. Let him tell it. In his own way, in his own time."
"I don't know why."
Spock couldn't speak. Was this his fault? What had he done to push Jim away?
"Before you ask, no, this wasn't your fault."
Spock sat stunned. Had Jim picked up his feelings or was it merely a coincidence? If Jim was picking up his feelings...
"I don't know what happened exactly. I woke up feeling good. After I realized how nice it was waking up and feel..." James trailed off. "Safe," he finally finished.
"Safe," Spock repeated.
Jim nodded. "Yeah. After that, I think I freaked out a little." Jim's face turned more serious. "But only a little. It doesn't account for how fast everything escalated. I don't know what happened. One minute I was only slightly freaked out and the next I was... worried? Anxious? Apprehensive? Way more than I should have been."
Spock looked away briefly. It was possible Jim wasn't picking up on his emotions, but it was more than probable that he was. In a sense, this really was his fault for not talking to Jim about it sooner.
"So I panicked, I guess. I didn't feel like alcohol and it was way too early. I was just sitting on this bench when she sat next to me. It just seemed like an easy solution. Distract myself and push you away at the same time. I didn't sleep with her, but I did intend to."
"Jim," Spock began, then hesitated. How to say this? "It was not your fault. It was my fault."
"You can't blame yourself for me acting irresponsible."
"I can. I made a mistake."
"You didn't do anything that would-"
"Jim, wait. Please just let me get this out." Spock watched Jim until Jim nodded at him before he continued. "It's the bond. You picked up my feelings this morning."
Jim looked confused and Spock shook his head.
"Honestly, I never expect the bond to effect you. I meant to talk to you about it more, I just couldn't find the right time."
"What are you talking about?"
"Bear with me. I should start from the beginning." Spock paused trying to find the best way to phrase it. "As I said previously, if the other half of a bonded pair is human, they are not usually affected by the bond.
Sometimes, though, they are. I believe the worry and apprehension you felt at breakfast was my fault."
Jim frowned at him. "How?"
Spock related the dream to Jim and McCoy. Though he chose his words carefully he tried not to omit any of the important parts.
"It was dream Spock."
"No. Well, yes, but it was more than that."
"How would you know?"
"I didn't know anything about what the bond should feel like before now. I do know what my dreams feel like. This was not a dream. I believe you were having a nightmare and the emotions of it were transferred through the bond and then created or recreated into imagery by my subconscious mind to allow me to interpret them more adequately."
"So," Jim said slowly. "You're prying into my dreams?"
"No. My mind was interpreting some aspect of your emotions into imagery. This is why I was apprehensive at breakfast. I was worried about telling you any this. I wanted you to eat first. You picked up my apprehension and it added to your own."
"So not only do I have to worry about my own shit, I have to deal with whatever I get from you too? How am I supposed to do that? What the fuck?"
"Jim."
"No! How am I supposed to deal with this? I already had enough without this."
Jim turned Bones. Spock shoved away the irrational anger he felt toward Dr. McCoy for being the one Jim turned to when he needed support. It wasn't the doctor's fault. Spock felt the distress from Jim and an overwhelming urge to help him however he could. He fought with his desire to do anything though. Jim wouldn't accept help from him right now. He had to let Jim get help where ever he would accept it from. It hurt more than Spock thought was possible that Jim hadn't turn to him first.
"Bones?"
"If any one of us would know how to help with that, it'd be him kid."
"Can we change chairs then?"
*McCoy*
McCoy bit his bottom lip. "Sure kid." McCoy stood and moved over to sit on the couch relinquishing the recliner to Jim. The change in Jim was almost instant. He wasn't fully himself yet but he did look like he was feeling better. Actually, the way he was sitting in the recliner made him look almost exactly like the starship captain he was. Please let this discussion help. Jim straightened and looked at him. McCoy met his eyes and watched as Jim's "I can handle anything" personality took forefront.
"Okay. So what do we do now?"
"You would have to ask Spock," McCoy told him.
James nodded once and turned to Spock. "Okay, so what do we do now?"
"There are exercises that should help."
"And you're just now telling me?"
"I did not think they would be needed. I am sorry."
"Fine. All that matters is we figure out how to fix this.
Spock frowned. "It is not broken. It is just a part of who I am."
"You know what I meant."
"I can try something," Spock said.
McCoy looked over to Spock. "What did you have in mind?"
"There is a way to minimize the effects of the bond if such a thing was ever needed. In theory."
"In theory," James asked skeptically.
"I have been told by my father they actually work. Or did. Before."
"Wait a minute," Bones ordered, sitting forward. "Are you talking about suppressing the effects for an extended period of time?"
"I am."
"I won't allow it."
"It is not your call to make."
"Damn straight it's my call. You forget, I'm the chief medical officer on your ship. If you suppress the effects of this for too long the effects could be detrimental to your health. I can't allow that."
"I have every belief we will be able to work out something before that happens," Spock snapped at McCoy.
"Suppressing," Jim asked.
"Generally one of the pair would repress the actual bond its self. There is no way to break the bond but I could mitigate it's influence."
"No," McCoy repeated.
"Why," Jim asked.
"Because the bond is a natural thing for Vulcans. Suppressing it would be, let's just say 'unhealthy' in the beginning and it would only get worse. For both parties eventually."
"You forget, Jim is human doctor. The bond is not natural for him."
"And it shouldn't have effected him either but it did. I won't risk it."
"Respectfully doctor, it is my call to make."
"No," Jim said forcefully. "I get a say in this too and I'm not letting you do that."
"I have complete faith I will be able to keep the side-effects from effecting you."
Jim gave Spock an odd look.
"No. Especially if the chief medical officer is against this. I can't allow it." Jim shook his head. "Spock, you're my first officer. I need you to be able to function at your best. I don't want you to suffer any of the effects either. Do you really think I'm against this because I might get hurt in the process somehow?"
"I don't have any other way to cease the effects quickly."
*Jim*
"I'm not sacrificing your health because of my mental quirks. I can't do that. Find another way or I'm just going to have to learn how to deal."
No way in hell he would sacrifice Spock's health for his own hang-ups. Spock would have to find another way. They would have to find another way. There was no such thing as a no win situation. First things first. They needed more information. He needed to figure out precisely how this bond worked and what the alternatives were.
"Right. We need information and options. Spock, tell me more about the bond and how it works."
Spock and McCoy shared a look.
"I cannot easily explain it. It would take time."
"Tell me what's important for now."
"Vulcans only bond once. The most common potential effects include the ability to sense where their mate is or how far they are from you, varying degrees of telepathy and feeling what the other feels both physically and or emotionally. The degrees of which vary bond by bond. It is uncommon for a Vulcan to bond with a non Vulcan but not unheard of.
It is possible to suppress the bond for an indeterminate amount of time. The effects are not pleasant but they can be concealed, at least temporarily. McCoy is correct in that if it continues too long the effects could pose some physical ailments. Specific ailments generally include but are not limited to: headaches, nausea, shortened temper, muscle aches and other similar issues. Although I do believe I would be able to handle them for however long it would take to find an alternative."
"Just the facts for now Spock."
"You should be aware that a mated couple does not handle separation for extended periods of time particularly well."
"Exactly how long is extended?"
"The amount of time is different from couple to couple. Generally these effects can be hidden from others and the person can function normally for a while. After about two or three weeks someone bonded will begin to exhibit outward symptoms. Depression, restlessness, shortness of temper and other similar symptoms. If separated for too long physical ailments could appear. Most are comparable to illnesses that threaten the immune system."
"And if separated longer?"
Spock hesitated. "Potentially someone bonded could theoretically die if they are separated for long enough. However the validity of this is still in debate."
"If we assume that's true, how long would that take?"
"I am unsure. As the bond is different for each couple it is hard to be exacting about possible effects."
"Guess Spock."
"I think we should deal in facts Jim."
"Answer me Spock."
"Potentially between three to five years, but anyone bonded would be mentally unstable long before then."
"How long before that happens?"
"Best guess? Between twelve to eighteen months."
James let out a low whistle. Twelve to eighteen months?
"So what options do we have?"
Bones finally spoke up. "I have an idea. I think you two should spend time working on this. Sit down and spend time sending emotions through. See what they feel like when they come from the other one so you can recognize when they're not yours. When you can recognize emotions from each other you can work on dealing with them without having to suppress the bond."
"Send emotions through on purpose," James asked.
"I think it would help to separate out what's yours and what isn't. Then you would know if you're feeding off of the other's emotions."
James turned to Spock. "Could it work?"
*Spock*
"Possibly. Jim, we are taught about the bond when we reach a certain age. There is no way to know what specific reaction a person will have before hand. Also, Vulcans bonding with other races happens so rarely that there is limited information about it. I cannot say with precision that anything will or will not work."
"It's a start," Jim said. "I say we try it and see what happens."
Spock glanced at the doctor. Theoretically his idea could be helpful for Jim. However sending specific emotions or feelings was something also commonly done during a more 'private' moment as well. He couldn't help the slight blush, hopefully no one noticed. He cleared his throat and tried to ignore that fact for the moment.
"Your suggestion has merit doctor."
*Jim*
James had a sudden wave of a feeling he couldn't quite pin down. Not quite nervousness. Discomfort? Since he wasn't feeling any of that moments before he figured it must be coming from Spock. He frowned trying to place the emotion. "Spock, what are you feeling right now?"
Spock glanced to Bones.
"You don't want to answer with him here," James guessed.
"I would rather not say in front of the doctor, no."
James nodded. "Bones, do you mind if-"
"I'm going out for a bit. I'll be back in a few hours."
James smiled as he watched Bones leave.
"You care for him," Spock noted.
"It's different with him Spock. It's not like how feel about you." James frowned. "You know that right?"
Spock smiled. "I know."
"What was it you were feeling?"
"What is it you felt from me?"
"I'm not sure. Discomfort?"
"Close actually. Dr. McCoy's suggestion could possibly help."
"And that made you uncomfortable?"
"It is remarkably close to something else. Sometimes a mated couple will share their feelings like that while they are, ahem, intimate."
James could feel himself starting to blush at the thought. He ignored it and continued. "Yes, well, I can understand not wanting to share that with Bones. Is that the only time you purposely share feelings?"
"I would assume that depends on the couple."
"Understood. Should we try it?"
"Sharing emotions? I believe it has the potential to be helpful. If you would like to I have no objections."
*McCoy*
McCoy woke up and realized instantly two things were wrong. One, he was not in his own bed. Two, someone he didn't immediately remember was in the bed with him. He turned his head and squinted against the darkness. The woman next to him looked vaguely familiar. Slowly parts of last night started to return. He hadn't intended to drink that much last night. He intended to stay fairly sober in case either Spock or Jim contacted him and needed something. After about an hour he realized there was very little he could do for Jim that Spock couldn't. Finally he allowed himself loosen up and drink a little more than he probably should have. He looked back at the woman next to him. Okay, definitely more than he should have. He had to get home.
.
McCoy opened the door to his apartment and found Spock and Jim asleep. Spock was half laying, half sitting with his back against the arm rest and his head propped against the back of the couch. Jim was mostly curled up on top of him, a blanket was haphazardly draped over them. One of Spock's arms lie possessively across Jim. McCoy smiled and made his way to the kitchen. He placed the box of doughnuts he bought on the counter and headed for the bedroom.
"Doctor?"
He turned and met Spock's eyes. "Go back to sleep," he whispered.
Spock nodded and settled back against the couch.
