September 2016
"Don't. You. Dare."
"What? I'm not touchin' you…"
"Why am I not surprised you two are even bigger assclowns drunk?"
Okay, so Nick had a point. Not that this wasn't stupid on a more general front; what kind of genius idea was it to get a drunk group tattoo? One thing had led to another. Nick managed to snag some rum, group bonding ensued, Louis sketched the simple compass design, and Francis actually knew how to apply the damn thing.
Oh, and Rochelle had brought bandages and disinfectant. Obviously the clearest thinker here.
Ah, who the hell cared anyway? We could be dead tomorrow, the way things were headed. Besides, I had enough marks on my body from zombie scars already. What was one more decoration? It had looked pretty badass before Rochelle wrapped me up again.
Damn it. Ellis was reaching over to poke me again.
"Dude, you are going to get it!" He only laughed when I swatted his shoulder.
August 2018
What had happened? Maybe I should have started with the last time we'd all been together. What was that? Nearly two years ago now? Fall of 2016. Near Thanksgiving. The details sputtered through my mind but evaded me when I tried to focus on them. Damn. I really hoped this wasn't going to last long. What the hell was wrong with me anyway? Shouldn't there have been a doctor in here giving me an update at least?
"You said you were alone," Nick prompted, likely getting sick of my vague answers. I could only stare at him blankly. I must have said something about that on the way over. Of course they would wonder about other survivors.
"Yeah…I…" I winced and tried to sit up straight, unconsciously rubbing the tattoo inside my right forearm. I cleared my throat. "Zoey and Louis took off when we were up north. Around Maine. Something about they…didn't want to risk town." Simplest way of putting it. They figured putting all the carriers in place made things too easy for CEDA. After all we'd lost, I couldn't really blame them. I was still bitter, but I couldn't say much. What else should I have expected anyway? They'd made it clear from the beginning that they looked out for their own. Maybe the rest of us hadn't quite qualified.
Nick's expression flickered, but he didn't seem surprised. He just nodded reluctantly.
"Francis too?"
I shook my head, swallowing against a wave of nausea.
"No," I managed, "He…didn't make it out of CEDA. First day." I didn't dare meet Nick's eyes. It seemed my question might be answered by how empty the room was. Still, I had to ask. I'd lived with uncertainty too long to hesitate now. I swallowed, my hands kneading the coverlet,
"What about…?" God, I couldn't even manage to form the words. Thankfully, what I wanted was obvious enough. There was only a moment's pause before he spoke again,
"We made it out. Not far. Coach…" I looked up in time to see him shake his head, "Fucking tank. Maybe a week in." Bile rose in my throat as I waited for the rest of his answer. He recovered and continued, "Ro and Ellis…we made it this far. I'll have someone grab Ro when her shift starts. Ellis should be back in a couple days."
Back from what? The look must have been pretty obvious; Nick just chuckled at my expression.
"Cool it, Princess. Just some repairs at Palmer. He'll be kicking himself."
What the hell was he on about? It took me a second to process what he'd told me. I wasn't even near my right mind. I could only blink and nod. Even sitting up had cost me valuable energy. Nick, thankfully, seemed to notice.
"Rest up, alright? You're not in any kind of shape to talk about this anyway. Try to relax. I know it's hard to believe, but…you should be safe here. No government. No CEDA. We're in our own hands." Somehow, that last bit was the most reassuring. I wasn't sure I could handle letting some unknown take the wheel again. That had always ended poorly. To say the least. Coach, Francis…countless others I hadn't known. It was best not to expect much. The best I could do was another nod. I'd cooperate for now. Nick was one of the least trusting people I'd known; if something was fishy, he'd have let on. Right?
They started me off on solids the next time the doctor showed up. Stale animal crackers. Wasn't any better than what I'd had on the road, but I wasn't picky; I had to restrain myself from scarfing down the entire package in two minutes flat. I barely paid any attention to what the doctor was saying, opting to wash the gluey texture out of my mouth with water instead. Bottle was drained in seconds. Don't know when you'll eat again. Don't know when you'll drink again. Don't know when you'll need to move again. Don't know…
Oh good. I was getting weird looks again.
Probably couldn't hold it too far against them. The clearly did-it-myself haircut and dark dye job was one thing, the half-starved body from months on the road was another. I looked like a damned coyote. Acted like one too. Wouldn't put it past me to bite anyone who came close. Hell, I'd had to do it before. I swallowed, dropping the bottle into my lap.
"What?"
Nick frowned and ignored my question, turning back to the doctor.
"Look, how long until she can leave? She can stay with me and Ro for now. We'll keep an eye on her."
My hand twitched. I really didn't need supervision. Hell, I'd been alone this long. He knows that. They caused that.
The doctor shrugged, "Assuming she's keeping food down, there's no reason to stay overnight. I take it you two know each other?" He glanced between the two of us with a thoughtful frown. "Your sister?"
Nick raised an eyebrow, "Something like that. When can we leave?"
"Give it an hour. We should be able to remove the IV by then. She's already more alert, and vitals look good, all things considered."
Fantastic. Another hour of that damned needle when I'd just started to notice it was there. This would be fun. I wondered what would happen if I had a panic attack in front of them. They'd lock you up. Wanna bet? Don't touch your damn arm. I hadn't realized I was scratching at the edge of the tape, peeling it back. I stopped. You take it off, they're gonna freak. Breathe.
Breathe. Easy enough suggestion, but I wasn't having a lot of luck. I squeezed my eyes shut and grit my teeth hard enough to start a tic in my jaw. Breathe in. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. Keep going.
One. Two. Three.
I usually only had the luxury of doing those exercises in safe rooms. Losing attention in the open would be deadly.
I killed a lot of time calming myself down, ignoring everyone else in the room. You're okay right now. They're going to let you go soon. You could leave if you wanted…probably. If you stay calm. Don't give them reason to doubt you. Thankfully, I was able to hold on until the doctor removed the IV. I pressed the cotton ball to the crease of my arm as I was told, trying to look every inch the model citizen. I took one more deep breath.
"Can I…get out of here now?"
The doctor still seemed reluctant, but having me supervised was probably more convincing than releasing me to my own care. Still wasn't happy about that, but I could figure that out later. Might be best to stay with familiar faces while I figured out next steps anyway.
"You should be alright. Keep drinking as much water as you can tolerate, and I'll send you back with some protein shakes." Well, at least he was talking directly to me now. That was progress. He even wrote everything down, particularly symptoms I should head directly back to the med center for. I got a pair of jeans and an oversized t-shirt to change into, and he finally sent the two of us off. I didn't even bother offering to carry the protein shakes; I was feeling sick and achy as hell and figured Nick would bite my head off.
Neither of us spoke as we walked. I supposed the important stuff was mostly out of the way now that we both knew who was still alive. He did keep stealing concerned glances at me when he thought I wasn't looking though. That was irritating. If I was getting the pity party from Nick, what would it be like with everyone else?
We stopped several blocks into the compound—holy shit was this place huge—and entered what had been some chain hotel. Looked like someone had painted over the original logo. Nice place. Huge improvement over breaking into gas stations and sleeping on the floor. Those had saved my ass more times than I'd like to count; convenience store food was meant to keep well past the damn apocalypse.
I followed along, through the spacious lobby and up three flights of stairs without talking. Stared like a tourist the entire time. Nice place. I wasn't surprised this was where they'd chosen to settle in. Freaking stone floors in the lobby. Wood paneled columns. TVs had been looted, and some of the furniture was missing, but this place was either pretty close to its original condition or someone had put in a ton of time getting it back to normal.
The suite itself was bigger than I'd expected, with a king-sized bed, kitchenette, and living room. More like an apartment than a hotel. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the space, feeling like an intruder. They'd clearly been here a while. Unfolded laundry waiting in a basket. Dishes in the sink from breakfast. Sketches and notes taped to the wall above the desk. One stood out, something like a police composite sketch. Without thinking, I lifted the corner of the paper, examining the features.
It felt like I'd been dunked in a bucket of ice water when I realized it was supposed to be me. It was a decent likeness from before they'd left, but I'd changed since then. My cheeks were hollower now, face nicked with a handful of scars since no one had had my back in months. Lost in thought, I tensed immediately when the door opened again, reaching for a knife that wasn't there.
Rochelle. Someone must have let her know I was here. I guessed I'd been out of it long enough for Nick to go himself.
"Oh my god…" She didn't seem to know what to say either. I just shrugged.
"What?" I swallowed, trying to keep my voice level, "Surprised to see me?" It came out bitter. I might as well have slapped them. Their expressions morphed in an instant and Nick's arm wound around Rochelle's shoulders. Yeah. Some of us haven't had that luxury. Companionship. Security. Must be nice. I shook my head and walked to the window. I heard Nick sigh, but I refused to turn around.
"Look," he started, "We've been looking. Had someone make copies of those sketches, post them in the other settlements…"
"I wasn't in the other settlements."
"No. But it was the best we could do from here." Would I have done anything different in their shoes? I wasn't sure how they'd made it out alive once we'd been found out. Didn't seem possible without advance notice. Someone could have tipped them off, and they still hadn't made the effort to find the rest of us.
"Yeah, how far out did you bother going?" I knew I was frustrating them. I knew I was being harsh and possibly unreasonable. I didn't care.
"We couldn't go further than fifty miles. Best range of the radios on a clear day. Couldn't risk it."
"Fifty whole miles, huh?" I scoffed, rubbing my arm. "You hear that? I'm worth a whole fifty miles, huh? Must've been rough. Drove the whole way too? Took a whole hour out of your busy itinerary at the fortress?" I could hear one of them moving forward, and I tensed, but thankfully no one tried to touch me.
"Sweetie…" Rochelle hesitated, "It…it wasn't our choice. There were others with us. Whole group would have been taken back." I scowled, finally turning around. My nails were digging so hard into the back of my hand, I was sure I'd drawn blood. That was good. Pain would keep me distracted from wanting to punch something and make this worse.
"At least they knew to take care of their own."
"Don't start that bullshit," Nick warned, "None of them had to make that choice. You were on the same tasks. By the time any of us knew what was going on, you were all stuck anyway."
"Fuck you, Nick." I remembered the last moments of that day like yesterday; nightmares always outlive dreams. Nick hadn't been there. He hadn't seen the look on Francis' face at the end. That desperation and hopelessness…knowing he was powerless to help. I gnawed the inside of my cheek hard, preventing any tears before they could form, and stormed off with the little dignity I had left to the bathroom.
No lock. They could come in any time they wanted. I growled in frustration and removed the top of the toilet's tank, then set it up against the door. At least this way, I'd have some warning if someone tried to come in. I curled up in the bathtub, clutching my knees to my chest and waiting. I could still hear them talking outside the door.
"I…she just needs space, Nick. We need to give her time." Like you have any damn idea what I need.
"Fine. You won't catch me fighting that. Anyone radioed Ellis yet?"
"I'm…not sure that's a good idea. I don't want him driving distracted…"
"Kid's always distracted. You can't just spring this shit on him at the gate. Not when—"
"I know." Rochelle sighed, pausing a long time before continuing, "I know. Maybe you're right. It's…kind of a big shock. Travis can drive them back instead if he's not up for it."
At least he wasn't alone then. I sighed and relaxed a fraction; staying this stiff was only going to hurt worse. No sense in getting my leg bleeding again or straining the vein that had a needle in it an hour ago.
What the hell had gotten into me anyway? I was supposed to be relieved to see them. I had been, out on the road. But now that I'd had a chance to rest, all that was coming up was resentment. I'd spent so much damn effort and focus on sheer survival, I'd forgotten to feel betrayed. Now I had the time, I supposed. Knowing that didn't change anything.
I stood, legs shaky as a fawn's, and grabbed a couple towels from the rack before laying back in the tub. At least I'd have a pillow in my den for once. I was more than used to a dirty concrete floor, or the backseat of an unlocked car. Still wouldn't make me rest any easier; trying to ignore dueling feelings of betrayal and guilt wasn't easy.
They left me.
They didn't have a choice.
They knew they were leaving me to die.
They didn't think they could change anything.
They could have done more.
It's been years. You need to let it go.
I hate them.
You miss them.
I was so damned tired.
January 2017
Whatever it takes. We were getting the hell out of here. We were out of time. The plan wasn't perfect, but what good had planning ahead done last time? I grit my teeth and got out of bed, retrieving the hidden scalpel under my pillow.
The moment the door opened, I stabbed the weapon into the jugular of the orderly without hesitation.
I met my own terrified gaze in the mirror, trying to ignore the blood soaking into my light hair. We were getting the hell out of here.
Whatever it takes.
A/N: Decided not to go with songs as chapter titles this round, but I might post a new playlist at some point. Let me know what you think…I'd love to hear any feedback.
And thanks to Sylissa, who reviewed anonymously on OUAA!
