Kylo Ren was on edge. Every waking moment was filled with uncertainty. When would she appear to him next? Would he be able to handle the sight of her? In his mind, she was constantly glaring at him, her intense eyes narrowed. Though she no longer screamed at him when they bonded, the accusations were still plain on her face. At first he leaned into it, played the part of the evil dark sider, fought right back and held his own against her. He wanted her to slip up and reveal her location, or something useful about the resistance fighters. Over time he became less and less responsive to her tirades. It was jarring suddenly be in the middle of a screaming fight with a near stranger, and his nerves were suffering for it.
His focus was shot. His confident, purposeful stride had developed into more of a wary creep. His eyes wandered in all directions, waiting to catch the first flicker of the next vision. The more they bonded, the more he wanted to explain, to make her understand. He wanted to be comforted by her. He began with serious talks. Late at night, he told her of his training, his struggles with all of the expectations placed on him from all directions. His parents, the royalty of the rebellion, had his life planned out for him before he could even walk. He envied Luke and Han for their childhoods spent in blissful anonymity, with no responsibilities or allegiances.
She listened, not saying a word. Sometimes he could see the hate in her eyes, burning just below the surface, but sometimes her eyes were calm. She was less fiery at night, more willing to hear him out. If he could only make her see how the resistance had thrown him away, maybe she would leave them. If she could see how he had been used and exiled, the only son of two heroes of the rebellion, perhaps she would see how precarious the whole hierarchy was. No one was safe.
"Ben." He woke immediately, startled by the use of his former name. She had never addressed him directly like this. Distant memories of a life abandoned played just under the surface of his mind, and for a second, his heart wavered. What would it have been like for him if all the darkness had never occurred? Would he have joined the resistance? Maybe he would have met Rey under more favorable conditions. Their first meeting would have been different. His heart ached, and he knew that it was pointless conjecture. The memory of Skywalker standing over him, lightsaber drawn, hardened him against any further wonderings. Still, her voice saying his name, his old name, caressed something in him that had been left untouched for many years.
Her face shined in the moonlight, and he aimlessly wondered where she was. This was not the first time the subject of her location had crossed his mind; entire meetings with Supreme Leader Snoke had centered on tracking her down and capturing her. Tonight, only curiosity motivated him. What little he had seen of the landscape seemed harsh, and he could sometimes catch glimpses of an ocean or rocky outcropping. It suited her, he thought. The rugged environment intertwined perfectly with her forceful demeanor. He knew the strength of her body from their battle on D'Qar. The memory of fighting her, being close enough to kill, to touch, filled him with heat. He should have been able to overtake her. He thought she would be easy to capture.
"Yes." he responded. Not as a question, just a statement. They stared at each other uneasily, neither moving. He always felt compelled to stand in these moments. The intimacy of staring into her eyes while they both lay in bed was too much for him, even though they were galaxies apart. Lately she had not seemed as bothered by it. Exhaustion hooded her eyes, but he indulged himself in the belief that she was warming up to him.
"Tell me about your parents." Pain. A shooting pain in his chest. He turned his face away, but the image shifted with his gaze and he could not escape her searching look. "I just want to know what it was like."
A different pain soaked into him as he realized why she would want to know. He could not bring himself to meet her eyes, but he could see that her face was open and expectant. Every sentence that ran through his mind felt so... insensitive. He felt ridiculous, catering to her feelings. She was his enemy. He would have killed her if he'd had the chance only a short while ago. He was softening. He could only hope that she was too. If she would only join him on the dark side, perhaps they could have more nights like this, spent in slow quiet conversation.
"Sometimes it was like they didn't even exist." Her eyebrows raised ever so slightly. "My father left when I was very young. Mother has always been busy with organizing and politics. But you've seen that." He clenched his hands into fists to keep them from shaking. He had never talked about his parents with anyone else, and every time it left him feeling bare and raw. He thought she would have a cutting remark here, but instead her face twisted in sympathy. He opened his mouth to tell her more, but at that moment, the force bond between them cut out. He was left lying alone in the dark.
