"Lydia?" I hear a familiar voice say. I turn my head slowly towards my open window, and blink a few times letting my eyes focus through the tears on the person standing in the middle of a busy free-way.
"...Lydia..." the person my eyes are still trying to focus on, says something. My brain struggles to remember what they just said, and in defeat, my head falls onto the steering wheel with a smack. A strangled cry coming from my lips as the honker blares, my cheek pressed to the hot plastic.
"Lydia..."All I hear is Greek as I stare, eyes still not focused, unable to through the tears steadily dripping off my face, and trailing down my cheeks. Another sob racks through my body and the person opens the door.
They pull me out of the car, and as I go limp in their arms, they struggle to open the back-door and put me in. Laying in the back-seat more sobs escape my mouth as I try my hardest to stop crying.
The car lurches forward and I know there is no escape from the crying fit I've fallen into. The more I try and stop the worse the sobs get, so I just relax as much as possible and lets the tears cascade down my face, a cry escaping my lips every few minutes.
If only my parents would stop arguing, if only they stopped thinking I was a whore, if only my best friend would pay me a little attention. If only I wasn't nothing to the ones I truly love. Not the fleeting love I had for Jackson, not my petty love for shopping. But my true love for my parents, my true love for my best friend. Does my best friend even love me? Did she ever? Do I disgust her too? Does my looks, my clothing choices, my behaviour disgust her so much, that she doesn't even want to be friends anymore? After being best friends for our entire lives, how can she start ignoring me because of one stupid boyfriend that she's been dating for only a few months?
"Nothing," I whisper, "Nothing."
I'm nothing; nothing would happen if I didn't exist, nothing is happening because I do exist. Nothing but heart-ache. Nothing but being in the way. I'm nothing.
"Lydia...?"The person says at hearing my words. I'm nothing, nothing at all. I shouldn't be alive; my parents should've never had me. I'm nothing. I'm just an annoyance to the people's lives around me. I'm just ruining my parent's marriage, ruining their lives. Ruining Allison's by being in the way of her boyfriend.
I have nobody. Nobody loves me, nobody will ever love me. I'm a stupid whore. I'm nothing but a stupid whore. A dirty stupid whore. One that gets in the way and creates financial issues. One that splits a marriage up with her presence. Nothing but a dirty stupid whore. A shallow, pompous, conceited, ego-maniacal bitch.
Nobody loves me, nobody ever will. Nobody loves a vain, egotistical whore. Nobody loves a shallow bitch. I'm nothing but a dirty, stupid whore. An ego-maniacal, conceited, pompous bitch. I'm nothing to my loved ones. Nothing to anybody. Nothing, I'm nothing. Just a fly to the people I truly love and cherish.
"Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" I cry banging my fists on the seat. I hate myself for being the way I am. If only, I wasn't me. If only I was the way my parents want me to be. If only, if only, if only. If only I wasn't nothing. If only somebody loved me, if only.
Why can't my parents love me? Why can't my parents be happy together, happy to have me. If only my parents didn't regret having me. Giving birth to a whore. My mom said it herself, if only she hadn't given birth to a whore. Said, if only she didn't get married and want a child. If only she waited just a little longer and had a different baby, with a different man, with different genes, so she couldn't of had me.
"Lydia..." the person says. I don't hear it, only my screaming thoughts. 'Nothing!' My thoughts yell. 'I'm nothing but a dirty conceited whore whose own parents don't want her!' I hear my parents yelling, 'She's just a whore.'
The heat of the sun hits me as the back-door opens up and the person pulls me out of the car. They carry my limp body up the drive and up the porch steps before they ring the doorbell.
"Hello? Lydia's not here – oh my god!" I hear Mom start with an annoyed voice, then shriek the end, "John! Get over here!" she yells. I'm just a dirty, stupid whore! An ego-maniacal, pompous, conceited bitch! I'm nothing!
"What is it?" I hear Dad ask in a bored tone. "Oh my, we can take care of her from here young man," he says in a strained voice. He picks me up bridal style.
"This is your fault isn't it?" Mom says stabbing her thin finger at the other person. Now that my crying has slowed down to just tears I can see that the person is Stiles. Allison's stupid boyfriend's best friend. I wonder if Scott is ignoring Stiles like Allison ignores me. Or do guys put their best friends first like it's supposed to go? I remember Jackson spending equal amounts of time with his friends and me. He would never ditch his friends because of me. That's what Allison should do. Be the perfect best-friend and still have a happy relationship. Not focus on just her boyfriend and ignore me. When I dated Jackson I never ignored her. I hung out with her every chance I got. When I wasn't with Jackson I was with her, if I wasn't with her I was with Jackson.
"No! I just found her pulled over in the middle of the free-way!" Stiles exclaims putting his hands up in surrender.
"Thank you for taking her straight home," Dad says, his deep voice booming. Probably trying to intimidate him like he does with every guy I go on a date with.
"You're welcome, tell her I hope she feels better," he says, voice dripping with sympathy. At least somebody cares about me! Even if it is just Stiles.
Stiles leaves as I lay limp in Dad's arms, tears still streaming down my face but no longer outright crying. The exhaustion from crying is laying heavy on my brain, on my body. My throat feels raw and painful, my neck itself fatigued. My eyes feel puffy and red, but I don't have the energy to care. I hurt everywhere, my heart, my head feels like it's splitting, my emotions are at an all time low.
The wall I had built cracked and crumbled until it was gone after Allison blew me off at Starbucks. It seems like it was eons ago since Allison and I have gotten together to just hang out, no distractions. With every argument my parents had built the wall higher and thicker. Then with just five minutes with Allison her actions broke it down like it was just a pile of feathers. My memories of the arguments and my parent's words turned it to mere ashes.
Now with no wall to protect me, I have no way to survive. No way to get through the arguments, the being ignored, the divorce. I have no way to go to school without staring at the ground while walking down the halls. No way to pay attention in class and get the highest marks. No way to not cry. Without my wall, I really will be nothing. Just a shred of a person. Here in physical form, gone mentally.
I died in the car, in the middle of the free-way. Now I'm merely watching, unable to escape the confines of my body to float free to a better place. I'm watching now as my parents stand facing each other with shocked looks on their faces. It's only moments before the biggest argument they've ever had ensues and this time I'll be right here to hear it. This time one of them will storm out and leave for good. Leaving the carcass of me to be handled by the one still staying.
I might die even more if that happens, I'll be even less of a shred of a person. I'll be even more nothing. Now if only my exhaustion will make me fall asleep so I can't see or hear anything. Maybe I'll wake up and this will all be just a dream. Just a horrible dream. I'll wake up and my parents won't think I'm a whore, they will truly love me, Allison will balance her time between both me and Scott. Deep down I know though, that this is real. So very real, and so very horrible.
Dad says nothing but carries me up to my room placing me on my bed, beneath my sheets. Mom stands in the doorway watching. Dad joins her, and then closes the door.
Minutes pass as I hold my breath, waiting for the argument to happen. Waiting for one of them to walk out and never come back. Waiting to become absolutely nothing. Waiting for the cloud of death hanging over me to consume me so I can finally be in peace. So I can be numb.
Minutes pass before I hear the shrill voice of Mom ringing through the house. Then the booming response of Dad. I don't hear it though; my mental and physical pain has clogged my ears. I have to lay through it though, my mind forcing me to stay up and hear but not hear. To know. Its seems like forever before the door to the garage slams shut, shaking the entire house. I hear the engine to Mom's car start and my entire body goes limp.
I want to cry but I can't. Mom can't leave! She can't go! This can't be real! Why? Don't leave me Mommy... Mommy don't go! I love you! I promise I'll be a good girl! I won't wear shirts that show my cleavage! I won't date guys! I won't spend all your money! Mommy! Why don't you love me anymore! I promise I'll be a good girl! I promise! Don't leave Dad! You love him! He loves you! Don't sign those papers I know you have tucked under your car's dash protector! Hidden so I wouldn't see! But I did Mommy! Don't sign them! Come back and love me! Mommy! Please! Please come back! Stay with me Mommy!
Mommy! I love you! Please stay! I don't want you to go Mommy! Please come back! You're breaking my fragile heart with every meter your car gets further and further away. You can't leave me Mommy! I'll die! I promise to be good if you take me with you! I'll tell you the truth! That I'm not a whore! I'm not, I'm not, and I'm not! I'm a good girl! Why can't you see? I need you? I want you back! I love you!
Mommy! Come back and hold me! Kiss me goodnight! Tell me you love me! Tuck me in and sing me to sleep! Tell me a story like you did when I was little! Love me. Love me like you did before. Kiss me and tell me it will be okay. Mommy don't leave me alone in the world! I need you, I love you! Please come back! Come back and kiss me, tell me you love me like you did before. Come back and hold me! I love you I do! Just come back! I miss you already, I wish you'd come back...
Dad opens my door and stands staring at me. "Your mother's gone..." he doesn't bother to say forever, because I already know. I hate him! How could he let her leave? I didn't even get to say good bye. Now I'm never going to see her again! And it's his entire fault! If he just kept his fucking mouth shut and didn't argue with her she'd be here now!
What's next? Is Allison going to walk out on my life too? I've lost a love one and don't need to loose another. Allison is already slipping away, growing further and further away. Soon she won't talk to me anymore, she'll forget I exist. I'll just have my father. The father I know hate! For letting Mom walk out on him, walk out on me!
"..." he starts in on a lengthy speech about whatever but all I can hear is the drone of his voice, as he comes up with a lie as to why she's gone. All I can think about is that my mommy's gone. Gone forever, leaving me to be nothing. She took the last piece of me with her and now I'm nothing. Nothing.
