Wow! Thanks for the great reviews and a special thanks to Smellyia for starting a thread for me in the AU Human forum on twilighted (dot) net! I'm humbled!
Special thanks to my beta withthevampsofcourse and to VJGM for her help also!
Much love to those two wonderful ladies...
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EPOV
I quietly thanked everyone for coming and left the stage. I really wasn't doing this for the applause, so there was no burning need to linger. The bar fit a specific purpose, nothing more, nothing less.
I made my way back to the employee room. It was small, dank and dark. I was glad when Teddy called me to pull a few hours tonight; it filled the gap between hospital shifts where I'd normally be forced to head home to my apartment. I heard the door open behind me and turned to see him coming into the already too small office space. "Hey."
He raised his head as he leaned over to grab some papers off the desk that occupied the corner of the six-by-eight office. "Hey, Edward. Thanks for helping me out tonight. Jeff should be here soon. He needed a couple of hours, something about his girlfriend. I don't know."
"No problem."
He turned around and sat on the desk and smiled at me. "So, did you see your groupies out there? I swear, I don't know how those girls always know when you're here. It's like they have Edward radar or something."
I grabbed my jacket off the worn out tiny couch that made the small room only smaller and shook my head. "I didn't notice."
Teddy laughed a deep boisterous laugh. "Yeah, you never do. You know, I never did get the draw of the tortured musician for chicks. But seriously, you got that shit cornered."
I shrugged on my jacket and gave him a small smile. "I assure you, it's not intentional."
Teddy shook his head at me. "What a shame, dude. As annoying as she is, that Tanya chick is pretty hot. Anyway, where you off to, heading out with friends tonight? It's still early."
I turned from Teddy and headed toward the door. "Nope, no friends to speak of."
Teddy snickered. "Man, you're the second one tonight. Swear I just met your kindred spirit in chick form. Hot, sulky, chick form. Dude. No one is an island, Edward, keep that in mind."
I turned the doorknob not looking back at him. "Yeah, got it. See ya later Teddy. Thanks for letting me come in."
I stepped out into the crisp, cool Fall air and pulled the collar of my jacket up. It wasn't coined "the Windy City" for nothing. Eleven o'clock. Far too early to go home yet. I decided to head back to the hospital. I could check in on Hope.
I walked the two miles to the hospital in no time. I showed the guard my badge and he raised his head to me. "Evening Dr. Masen."
"Evening."
I made my way to the fourth floor west wing. I approached the nurse's desk to find Sylvia sitting there, filling out a medical chart for a patient. She looked up to see who was approaching and I saw her face scowl the slightest bit as she shook her head.
Sylvia was an older nurse who worked on the floor. Best nurse on the floor in my opinion. People didn't give nurses enough credit; they do far more than just take temperatures and give out aspirin.
Sylvia knew Hope's case as well as I did, actually, probably better. There were times I wasn't sure what course of action to take, and Sylvia would help me brainstorm and subtly point me in the right direction.
"What are you doing here, Edward?"
She didn't pull any punches and felt it was her duty to tell me what she thought I was doing wrong both at work and in my life. It was scary sometimes how she would look at me and just know what was going through my head. And a little unnerving.
"Just stopped by to check on Hope. How's she doing?"
Sylvia would always give me crap but honestly, she was just as invested in Hope as I was. More, actually, since she's worked at the hospital for seven years and she'd been with Hope for six of those seven.
Sylvia put her pen down and turned toward me. "No change. You know, you really should find something to do with your down time. You can't live here."
Hope was four years old when she was abandoned at a hospital on the other side of the city. When the ER doctor performed his routine physical, it was discovered that Hope had the early signs of Cystic Fibrosis. Thanks to our new justice system, which said if you didn't want your kid, leave them at a hospital and we ask no questions, there was no history for us to use in treating her. The doctor who diagnosed her named her Hope and gave her an eventual death sentence. Not sure what he was trying to convey with the name but it was kind of cruel. There really was no hope for her.
The hospital she was left at was a private facility, and they managed to keep her there for a short time until she was released to an orphanage, where she bounced back and forth as her conditioned worsened.
Over time it was concluded that her parents must have been from out of state because there were no doctors in the greater Chicago area who had a patient fitting her description or diagnosis.
Hope's life has been a string of orphanages and hospital stays. No one wanted to adopt a child with a death sentence. Since we were a public facility she spent most her of time here with us. I guess you could say we were her family. Her home was a cold, sterile environment with crappy TV reception and changing caretakers who adjusted her oxygen and pumped her full of medication. The irony of the name "Hope" wasn't lost on her.
I tried to ignore the obvious pity in Sylvia's voice as she once again chastised me for spending too much time here. "This is where I'm needed." I reached over and grabbed Hope's chart and walked down the corridor to check in on her.
Outside of her room I washed my hands, put on the required gloves and gown to limit her exposure to any germs I may be carrying. Her room smelled of antiseptic due to the fact that she needed to be kept in a completely sterile environment. All she needed was someone to come in with a cold, which would shorten her already minuscule life span. I noticed she was still awake. "Hey, kid."
She turned her head and rolled her eyes. "Hey, Edward"
I didn't acknowledge her very teenage attitude. Growing up in society was obviously not needed to develop annoying teenager traits. "How are you feeling? More importantly, why are you still awake? It's nearly midnight. You need your rest."
She leaned up on one elbow and adjusted the oxygen tube in her nose, which was being pulled from her leaning. "I could ask you the same thing. Anyways…I'm the same. The O2 is helping."
She tried to sit herself up and I gave her my hand to use to get into a sitting position. I knew her well enough by now to know that if I actually helped her, she'd be pissed.
She released her long blonde hair from the ponytail at the top of her head and set to straighten it and pull back once again. "Why am I awake? Well, why should I sleep when I can watch quality life-altering programming? I'll be permanently asleep soon enough, Edward. Until then, it's me and SNL re-runs."
I couldn't help but internally wince at her flippant attitude toward her pending fate. I never could figure out if Hope was brave or ignorant. In the end it really didn't matter. Whatever got her through, right?
I reached over and adjusted her IV tubes. "You shouldn't exhaust yourself."
She reached to turn the television down. "Yeah yeah yeah. So, why are you here?"
I smiled at her not-so-subtle change of subject. Hope never really did like to talk about herself much. "I was out and about."
She raised her eyebrows and shook her head. Her blue eyes held the knowledge of more than her fourteen years and did nothing to conceal the disapproving look that lingered. "Avoiding something?"
I noticed even this little bit of activity was having an effect on her breathing. She really needed to rest. "Enough from you already. Put your oxygen back in and lay down." I check her vitals.
She saluted me. "Aye Aye, doctor." Smart ass.
I couldn't help but smile at her, really I couldn't. "Shut up. Try to get some rest, I'll see you tomorrow."
I left the room and went to update her chart. Sylvia came over to the desk where I was sitting.
"You know it's not gonna happen tonight. You look like shit, you need to get some sleep."
I stopped writing and look up at her. Here we go. "Sylvia, really..."
"Edward, look, when's the last time you slept in your own bed? Every time I come in you're here. We're going to put a set of drawers in the on-call room and change the sign to the Masen Residence if you stay here anymore. Seriously, when's the last time you were in your apartment?"
I looked sheepishly at her knowing she had me here. "Um…three days ago?"
"Exactly. Go home, Edward. Get some sleep. We'll see you tomorrow afternoon and not a minute earlier. She'll still be here."
I shook my head. I knew she was right and even if she weren't, I wouldn't win the argument so I gave in. "You're right, I'm leaving."
I grabbed my jacket and walked down the hallway to the exit and began my two-mile walk home. The wind had died down some and you could smell the fall leaves in the air. My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket. I took it out knowing full well who it was. The only person who called me this late was my cousin, Emmett. Kind of sad that he knew I'd be awake.
His boisterous voice filled my ear. "Hey coz', how's it going?"
One couldn't help but smile when Emmett was around, his attitude was infectious. "Hey Em, what's up?"
"Well, you see, o' best man o' mine. Esme and Carlisle are leaving the 'burbs to come visit us city folk this weekend. They supposedly want to discuss the remaining wedding plans, but I think it's more of a 'check in on the children' thing. They know the wedding plans are coming along just fine; Esme knows Rose has obsessed about this since she was like freaking twelve or something. Never did understand that shit but anyway, your presence is required."
I smiled at the obvious joy in his voice. He'd let Rose plan fifty weddings for them if she wanted, he'd do anything for her. "Not a problem. What day? I need to make sure I have coverage at the hospital."
"Sure thing, take the night off from the bar too, I'm not sure what their plans are. You never know with them. They'll be here Saturday morning, they're going to stay at a hotel and head back on Sunday."
"Saturday, got it."
By now I'd reached my apartment. I picked up the mail and entered the house. Nothing changed, it was still the same.
Emmett paused…shit…he never pauses… "So, we're probably going to be going to lunch at some fancy restaurant or something. You know how they are. Why don't you bring someone along with you?"
I really wasn't in the mood to have this conversation with him again. "No Em, it'll just be me." I reached the kitchen and went to the fridge opening the door to find expired milk, leftover Chinese food, a jar of pickle relish and two bottles of beer.
I grabbed the only consumable thing in there, a beer, and sat down on a kitchen stool as Emmett growled into the phone. "Dude, seriously, when's the last time you had a date?"
The bottle cap clinked onto the counter as I mumbled, "Em, I'm not getting into this." I took a sip of the beer as Emmett continued a conversation I knew all too well.
"Okay, tell me this, Edward. Have you dated anyone since Jessica?" Damn…he was going to go there. He must be desperate if he's mentioning Jessica.
"No Emmett, and really, you know it's late. I don't want to get into this now. It's been a long couple of days. I'm going to bed."
Emmett snickered. "Yeah, sure you are. If you went to bed now you have what…seven hours of sleep? That's unheard of in Edward-land. You forgetting how long we lived together? I know your sleeping habits better than I know Rose's, and that's saying something, dude. I like her better than you."
I sighed. "Whatever Em, I'm hanging up now. I'll see you Saturday." I hung up the phone. I hated it when he was right. There was no way I was going to sleep just yet. I got up from the kitchen stool and walked into the sparsely decorated living room. By sparse I mean black leather couch, end table, stereo and piano.
I went to the piano and
sat on the bench, lightly tapping the keys.
The nice thing about
this apartment building was that the walls were virtually sound proof
and the old lady that was on this floor with me was practically deaf.
As I stroked the keys, my mind wandered back to three years ago and that last conversation with Jessica.
We were standing outside of her apartment and she had just told me she was leaving Chicago for New York. She'd gotten her dream job and she was leaving in a week. It was odd to me that I wasn't more upset by this news. I stood outside her place and just listened as she told me that she thought it was best if we went our separate ways and I didn't have it in me to argue with her.
She looked pained as she whispered, "Look Edward, I love you. I really do."
I shifted to my other foot and shoved my hands in my jeans pockets. I nodded my head. "I know you do."
She snickered as tears started to form in her eyes. "But you can't say the same thing, can you?"
I winced a little at the obvious pain I was causing her. "Yes Jessica, I do love you…"
She cut me off as one tear started to fall from the corner of her eye and down her cheek. "No Edward, you don't. Well, maybe you do love me but you're not in love with me. Not like I am with you."
I flinched at what she said and looked away. I couldn't deny what she was saying and it bothered me that I hadn't hidden my feelings better, that I was causing her pain. I really didn't want that.
A slight breeze rustled through the summer heat and her curly brown hair flew into her face. I went to push it back and she pulled her head away from me. "You know Edward, when we first met, I thought your aloofness was mysterious and intriguing. I wondered what you hid behind that serious exterior."
Tears were free flowing now and I couldn't help but feel like a shit. "You intrigued me, but after a while, intrigue wears off and frustration takes its place. I tried everything I could to get through to you. To show you how much I loved you. Three years Edward, for three years I longed to feel some sort of passion from you. Anything that would give me hope that someday you'd open up to me."
She swiped the tears from her face. "I told myself I wasn't going to cry over this. This is best for both of us. I deserve more, Edward. I deserve someone who will love me like I love them. I'm sorry I couldn't love you enough for both of us, Edward. I hope someday you find that person. When you do…you have to let them in. I'm sorry it wasn't me."
She sniffled and smiled at me. "Good bye, Edward. Take care of yourself." She gave me a hug, which I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate, and she turned away and shut the door.
She was right. I didn't deserve her. I really hoped she'd find someone to love that would love her back. I was sorry it wasn't me. But I knew that she'd find someone better for her and he'd make her happy because Jessica was a great person and she did love whole-heartedly. She would make someone very happy…it just wasn't me.
I knew pretty much right away that she wasn't the right one for me, but I was selfish. I was tired of always being alone. But oddly enough, even with her there I still felt alone. I never felt a connection with Jessica beyond the physical plane. I did love her in my own way. She was great and she did try very hard but I didn't feel it.
The passion. The longing. The images that were burned into my brain of my parents wholly in love guided me as to what I wanted in my life. The need to always be touching one another, stealing glances, hidden smiles. The completeness in each other, the wholeness when your soul is entwined with another.
The unattainable.
I stopped playing and got up with my beer. I was feeling the need to sleep. I hoped the slight exhaustion was enough to get me through the night. I went to my room and changed into a pair of flannel pants then finished my beer, brushed my teeth and went to bed.
As I closed my eyes I wondered if she really existed or if I'd just put this image of the impossible girl, this impossible relationship, into my head so I could forever avoid putting myself out there.
No…she had to exist. I've seen it enough to know that there was a special someone for everyone. I just hoped some day I'd be able to find her.
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End Note:
Please review! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy! Then come play on the forum!
Have a great holiday!
