A/N: Thanks so much for reading! And, of course, thank you all for your lovely comments :) I have decided to continue this story, officially, thanks to you guys. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Feedback is EXTREMELY appreciated!
"Derek! Hang on!"
Meredith ran and ran until her legs burned and muscles pumped with exhilaration, the blood coursing throughout her veins frantically. Her heart pumped, her lungs were gasping for more oxygen to enrich her body. She begged, pleading for more air, panting wildly, trying to catch her breath. The catwalk seemed to go on forever, though. The longer she stared ahead, the longer the distance stretched. She could hear his moans of pain and discomfort, and the clear, audible sounds of his frantic gasping traveled through her ears and snaked their way into her heart. Each pained breath that bubbled from his breath made her own heart shatter. Her sneakers were pounding against the floor beneath her, but she couldn't hear them. Her ears were only finely tuned to the sounds that Derek made. The gunshot still rang in her ears. She gave no thoughts to how hard she could have shoved Cristina. She didn't care, because none of it mattered anymore. She had to get to him.
She had to get to Derek.
By the time she came up next to him, she skidded to a stop, dropping on her knees, and immediately placing hands on his chest where the scarlet was the darkest. She pressed, leaning her full body weight onto the wound, grinding her teeth with the force. Derek choked on his own breath and looked up at her, clearly in a daze, eyes staring at nothing in particular. He was pale. His breaths were ragged and shallow, dry and empty, and Meredith felt tears come to her eyes all over again, blurring her vision. She felt a cry escape her throat. Pull yourself together, she told herself: Be strong for him, and be strong for your child.
He was babbling aimlessly. "Mr. Clark…" She could barely make out the words. Her legs shook, and momentarily she felt as if she was going to faint. "No," He moaned, shutting his eyes, his breath laced with unadulterated pain. His face twisted, contorted with agony.
"Derek," She cried, seeing her own hand become covered in the red liquid that crept between the cracks of her fingers. He didn't respond, just fluttered his short eyelashes and moaned. Meredith ran her tongue over her lips, and her voice cut like ice, "Derek, Derek come on. Can you hear me? Please." She pleaded with such intensity that she didn't recognize her own voice.
He gasped and sputtered on his own breath. He needed an oxygen mask, and he didn't have one. They were in a hospital, the place where you were supposed to feel safest in the world, and it had turned into a war zone. Nowhere was safe. Derek needed an oxygen mask for his broken body, and there were oxygen masks all around them. And Meredith couldn't get one. She would have laughed at the irony if it weren't so unspeakably terrible.
"Derek," She tried again, and her fingers slipped slightly. She leaned her weight and pressed a little harder, trying to get a better grip on him and his injury. "Derek, Derek," She repeated over and over. She flicked her eyes up momentarily, her teeth stuck up together in fear as she scanned the area. Mr. Clark was gone. It was silent in an eerie, chilling way, the kind that made her want to scream just to break the unnatural quiet. "Derek, listen to me. You have to listen to me."
"Meredith…" He moaned, and she gasped, a sudden feeling of lightness tickling the underside of her chest: He was actually acknowledging. But his voice was so thick with pain and fear that she felt herself tremble. "Get out of here, before he… you too…" He coughed again, and she could barely feel as he picked up his limp hand and put it on top of hers. Her heart broke for the both of them, and her teeth chattered at the iciness of his voice. She pressed harder. He coughed brokenly again.
"I picked you, I chose you," She said furiously, biting her words off sharply at the end for emphasis, her voice tremulous and increasing in volume. "Do. Not. Die." She said again, loudly, and forcefully. The bleeding was intensifying, and she pressed harder, putting her entire body into the motion. He cried out, and she could feel him begin to struggle. His body clenched with pain and he writhed underneath the pressure. "Derek Shepherd, I know it hurts, but you need to breathe. Breathe NOW, Derek!" She yelled, and he cried out again. Her hands were slathered with red.
She could hear light footsteps run up behind her, but they were too late to be Clark's. It was Cristina, clearly, and Meredith didn't have to turn around to see the shocked expression on her face. She just stayed focused on Derek, his breathing becoming more shallow and labored. Cristina began to frantically murmur behind her, "What are we going to do?"
"Someone's coming, someone will come," She told herself, although she knew the truth.
"No. Meredith, not in time," Cristina stuttered. She ran her hands through her hair and began to raise the pitch of her terrified voice. "Meredith, what are we going to do? Mer…Meredith…" Meredith didn't know.
Meredith.
Meredith.
Meredith.
"Meredith," The voice said again, only this time it was lower pitched and more forceful, rising in intensity. Her eyes opened and were met with bright, piercing rays of unexpected light. She wasn't on the catwalk, and she wasn't pressing her hands into Derek's gaping flesh. She stared up at the ceiling, panting, her fingers twisted, tangled in the soft white sheets. Derek lay next to her. Breathing normally. Not in pain. Awake. Alert. "Meredith," He said again, now aware that she was awake. She blinked and turned to face him, swallowing her breaths.
"What?" She said. Her voice was raw and laced with sleep. She picked her arm up and rubbed her face tiredly, forcing to mask a yawn. Derek's brows were knitted together in worry and confusion.
"Oh," He let out an exhale he had obviously been holding in. "You're okay. You were dreaming," He said flatly, letting out a small smile of relief and running his hands tiredly through his hair. He propped himself up on an elbow and faced her. "I mean… are you okay?" His statement had turned into a question. Meredith sighed.
"I'm fine," She leaned over and placed a kiss on the bridge of his nose tenderly, a good morning gesture. She smiled. "See? Fine." It wasn't convincing in the least, and she knew it well. She ignored it, though. Her eyes drifted downwards and she distracted herself by staring down at a wrinkle in the fabric. Derek noticed her downcast expression and studied her solemn face.
"You're beautiful," He echoed, placing a kiss on her forehead gently, but then he finished his sentence quietly, "But you're not fine." She sighed, aimlessly staring at the wrinkle and picking out the parts where the threads poked out messily. "Meredith…Lexie had said that she thought you were…"
"I don't care what Lexie said." Her eyes flashed.
"But she's your sist~"
She cut him off, "She's not. She's…Lexie. She doesn't know me, as much as she claims she does. Derek, I swear Lexie doesn't know what she's talking about half the time," She half-joked. Derek sighed, and she was almost positive he was going to continue on the subject. "Enough talk about Lexie."
She wasn't in the mood to have some sort of deep emotional talk that morning. She flicked her eyes up at him and before he could say another word, she dove over and pressed her lips against his, forcefully but lovingly. He obliged, clearly confused but enjoying the sudden attention he was gaining. Meredith rolled over so she was on top of him, squeezing him and hugging him tightly. Their embrace was warm and comfortable and full of love and adulation, and this distracted Derek from their almost-deep talk that they had been discussing. She kissed him deeply and he kissed her back, their tongues dancing through their smiles. "Meredith…" He mumbled, but his words were lost in his throat as he deepened the kiss.
She reached onto his head and drew her fingers through his hair, heading towards the nape of his neck. She placed kisses his cheek, and then his forehead, and then his lips again as she ran her hands through his silky curls. He returned the favor as he kissed her neck passionately, savoring her sweet skin that made his lips tingle. He ran his hands down her spine, letting her fingers swipe her shirt ever so gently, until he could place his hands comfortably on her hips. She ran her hands down his chest and kissed his neck in return, and a small moan escaped from his lips. The room disappeared, and soon it was just them, kissing and smiling in their own little world. They hadn't kissed like that in a long time, and Meredith felt some of the old routine come back to her, and it really felt amazing.
They caught their breaths and Meredith rolled away from him, staring at the ceiling and licking her lips. Derek was about to do the same, but instead, he found himself looking back over at Meredith. He scanned his eyes across her, as if he was analyzing every bit of her, looking into her, and she shifted under the sheets. She considered diving on him and starting all over again, but she knew she'd catch on eventually. "Meredith…" He began again, softly.
She abruptly planted a kiss on his cheek but swung her legs around the bed and landed them on the cold floor with a thud. She looked at Derek, flipping her hair over her shoulder and plastering on her best, fake, beaming smile. "I'm going to brush my teeth, and all those good things, okay?" But it wasn't a question. She jumped and wobbled on her feet, straightening up until she was standing. She ran her hands, tussling her hair roughly and grinning at him, cocking her head to the side, her hands on her hips.
He grinned softly at her, amazed by her simple beauty, but began to protest, "Meredith."
"I'll be back. Maybe, if you want to, you can go make pancakes or something. Then we wouldn't have to eat muesli, right?" She began to back away slowly, the smile still plastered onto her face, refusing to give way. "And there's always more where that came from," She said softly, teasing, pursing her lips: Kiss me. She felt her smile begin to lose its charming quality, and she backed all the way out of the room as Derek gave up in his protests and muttered a feeble okay. By the time she reached the bathroom, the smile was gone, and a deep frown replaced it.
She shut the door behind her and twisted until it clicked in place. Meredith took a deep inhale, shutting her eyes, pressing her back against the wood door for some sort of support. It seemed that all she needed these days was support, and she hated that feeling. Her legs shook slightly.
She looked across from herself to her form in the mirror, and visibly grimaced. Her eyes displayed smudged thin lines of eyeliner, or whatever makeup she had worn the day before, and her skin no longer displayed concealed foundation. Her hair was a mess, sticking out from every which end, puffed up in uneven places. Her bangs hung limply, falling over her eyes. When she blinked, she could feel the ends of the hair flutter with her eyelashes. She shoved them out of her eyes and blinked again, touching the ends of her hair. They were dry and papery. She needed new conditioner.
She crouched on her knees and swung open the small cabinet below the mirror. It smelled like a aroma of dust and soap, and she cringed, sending her hand into the depths to fumble with the bottles and boxes that filled it. Conditioner, she needed conditioner. Preferably lavender: That was Derek's favorite. Maybe if she smelled good, it would at least distract him from the severity of her split ends.
Distract. She was starting to repeat that word a lot, and it was beginning to make her a little worried. Generally, that wasn't the kind of word that was meant to be repeated over….and over. She shook the thoughts out of her head and peeked underneath the sink, beginning to get frustrated that her intent search was coming up empty.
Her hands grazed past bottles of body wash, probably more than they actually needed, a few cans of shaving cream, not that they ever actually had time to shave their legs, a few boxes of feminine products- As Derek called them, clearly awkward. She pushed past other bottles of body spray, a few spare deodorants, and other bottles she recognized. She licked her lips and pushed deeper, fumbling around in the corners, until she found a small, long, thin box that she didn't remember ever purchasing. She twisted her fingers around the cardboard and pulled it out of the dark abyss, grunting in triumph. Until she saw what she had grabbed.
A pregnancy test.
Her first instinct was to go yell at whoever bought the thing because they didn't have space for small junk like that all scattered along the house, and that they already had enough, but her eyes were frozen on the label. A woman, clearly exaggerating her happiness, looked startled as she held one of those in her hand. Her expression was slightly crazy, her eyes too wide to be legitimately surprised, and her teeth were too white that she considered she was wearing fake teeth. Maybe she was.
Meredith grinded her teeth together and stared. If she was pregnant, she wouldn't be so fake. She wouldn't be pseudo-excited. She wouldn't pretend to smile. She would be the happiest person in the world. She wouldn't have to fake being overjoyed. She would be, and Derek would be holding her, and they would be crying: Not from fear or sadness, but from immense happiness and amazement, from overwhelming joy. She wouldn't be sitting alone, smiling pointlessly at a stick. She would be dancing. Jumping. Shocked, but still breathing. Scared, but still ecstatic.
Meredith ran her fingers across the test and streaked away the dust. The label spelled out: Pregnancy Test. Quick, clear, easy to read results! Meredith felt like laughing to herself. Quick, clear, easy? Those words sounded more like the antonyms of pregnancy, or, trying to get pregnant. The act itself was long and hard.
"Meredith!" Derek's voice traveled up from the bottom of the stairs. "Breakfast!"
"I'll be there in a minute," She called back down, her voice sounding unfamiliar in her own ears.
She hesitated for a moment. She hadn't checked for a week. A week. It could have changed, right? Maybe something happened. Maybe. Maybe.
She gingerly tucked her fingers underneath the cardboard folds that ceiled the rectangular box shut on both ends and flicked them open, allowing entrance to the hollow tube with the white stick that jutted out, contrasting the black inside of the box. With trembling hands she reached in, slipping the stick in between her fingers and pulling it out. The box dropped, clattering to the floor when she released it, but her eyes were locked on the pastel white stick. It had a cover over it on one end, and the other displayed a small screen. It would either display pregnant or not pregnant. Clear. Easy. Or, whatever. But those words were everything.
She stood up and tucked her free hand fingers into her waistband of her pajama pants and pulled down, sitting down on the chilly toilet seat and waiting. Months ago she would have thought that it was humiliating and disgusting, but now that she wanted it more than anything, it was just a small step on the path to get there. If peeing on a stick to no end was what it took for her to get her baby, she'd do it.
She felt her body's waste trickle out, and she dipped the stick underneath her, shutting her eyes and hoping it received what it needed to give her some sort of result. By the time she was done, she didn't even open her eyes as she brought it up and set it on the counter of the sink. She flushed, washed her hands, did everything without even glancing at it. She stared into the mirror at her reflection, a glimmer of hope that she wished didn't exist flickering in the corner of her eye.
She wanted a baby so bad. So bad. She could not even put it into words or form tangible sentences. She wanted more than anything at that moment. It scared the heck out of her, but that was part of the beauty of it all. She wanted a being inside of her. She wanted Derek to kiss and talk to her belly. She wanted to be able to scream and swear until her throat went dry in the delivery room. She wanted to hold a child- her child- in her arms, cradle it and protect it and keep it safe. She wanted a family.
Time elapsed, and Meredith took a sharp inhale. One word. One word could change everything- one word would make her miracle come true. One word... She glanced downward, her heart thundering in her chest so loudly it rang in her ears.
Not pregnant.
The small glimmer of hope she had held onto once again disintegrated, and her heart dropped like a rock into her stomach. She shivered and picked the stick up, staring at the words, her heartbeat slowing to a murmur. Not pregnant. There was no baby inside of her, there was no child coming, nothing. She wasn't going to get to tell Derek that she was pregnant, because she wasn't. She couldn't smile and be oblivious to everything in the world like the crazy woman on the box. She couldn't do any of it, because it wasn't her life.
She sank down, back against the shower door, holding the stick in her shaking hands. Not pregnant. Again. If it happened after more then ten tries, would it make a difference if she tried thirteen? Fourteen? Twenty? Would it make a difference to check anyway? Did it even matter? Was there even any hope left for her to use up?
She stared at every little letter that the screen displayed, frozen, her eyes stuck on the very words that made her want to give up on everything. Derek was optimistic. Or was he? She couldn't see past the invisible porcelain mask that he had been wearing, hiding all his feelings inside. She wanted him to let it out, but she didn't know… Everything was too confusing. She couldn't think straight. She stared ahead.
"Meredith? If you don't come, the~" Derek said as he knocked, an then pushed the bathroom door open, revealing Meredith staring at the small stick she held in her hands. "Is that a…" He began. She didn't even nod. He could see the letters from there: And if he couldn't, he could feel exactly what they said. He frowned deeply. "Meredith?" He echoed, looking down at him. She didn't look up, of course: Just stared at the thing in her hands.
"I want a baby, Derek," She said, her voice flat and distant.
"I know."
"No, Derek, I want a baby… So bad. Derek. I want a baby so bad." She repeated over and over, reiterating the words, her voice raising slightly in pitch.
He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and looked at her with a concerned expression. "Meredith, I know."
"I want a baby," She said again, her body trembling as she stared off into the area laid out in front of her. Derek frowned deeper, but slowly crouched until he was sitting next to her on the cold floor, trying to get her to look into his eyes. He glanced at the stick, just to be sure, just to be sure that he wasn't wrong. He wasn't. Not pregnant.
"I know, I know you do Mer, I do too," He said gently, and he reached to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear for her. Her teeth chattered, and she shook.
"It says not pregnant," She said slowly, absorbing the words. "Again, Derek. It says not pregnant. Oh my gosh. What if I never get pregnant? What if I can't? What if test after test, I get those two words? What if I never get pregnant? Then we won't have a baby. If I don't… If I don't get pregnant, we won't have a family. We won't have a child. I won't have a child. You won't. We won't. If I don't get pregnant. What if I don't, Derek?" Her breathing increased, and she dropped the stick to the ground. It clanged and spun on the ground, and she stared ahead, her lower lip trembling. "Or what if I do get pregnant, but I lose it again? Derek. What about that?"
"Meredith, look at me," He said firmly, but she didn't oblige to his command. "Meredith Grey, look at me now. Now." He repeated, a little louder, but she was still staring ahead into the empty space in front of her. He reached up and grasped her chin in his warm palm, and then turned her head for her to face him. Her eyes were glassy with tears, and that broke his heart. He swallowed thickly, but kept his voice level as he looked into her eyes. "I know what you're going through is unbelievable. I know it's indescribable, and I know right now the only thing that you're feeling is emptiness. I know that, okay?" She gulped. "I wish I could relate. I do. I'm not going to say I lie and say I've been there before. But I do know what it's like to feel like you're doing everything in your power to make something happen, and it just won't. I do know that. And I know it's awful, one of the worst feelings in the world."
"But Meredith, you have to keep going. Even when things like this happen. Even when there are bumps in the road. I'm not going to…lie and promise that something will happen. I know that hasn't been helping you." He bit his lip to see a tear drip from her eyes that had overfilled. "But what I can say is that I want a baby. You want a baby. And we are going to do everything possible in our power to make that happen. Like I said, I can't guarantee anything, Meredith, and I wish I could. I wish I could…" He looked into her eyes and used the pad of his thumb to swipe the tears from her cheek. "…but I do know that you are the love of my life. We are meant to be together. And we are meant to start a family. Meredith, we are going to start a family. After everything we've been through, we're going to start a family. We can't give up. We just have to keep going."
Meredith looked into his eyes and bit her quivering lip. He was sincere, and he was telling the truth, telling her the raw thoughts that floated around in his brain. He wasn't sugarcoating anything, and yet those words he spoke were some of the most comforting Meredith had ever heard. He really did care about her. He wanted the best, and he wanted a family with her just as much as she did. "I just…" She tried, but she faltered, and she burst into tears.
"I know," He whispered, pulling her into his arms. "I know." He held her, rocked her, rubbed her back and kissed her hair. He cradled her, wishing only that he could protect her from all of the bad in the world, wishing that he could make this one thing she wanted so badly to happen, happen. This was something Meredith wanted so, so badly.
And he then vowed that he would do everything in his power to make it happen, no matter what.
A/N: So, what did you think? I would really love it if you commented :) But, either way, thank you all so much for reading!
