To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Forward: Serpent Island Centipede

Also known as the 'Serpent Island Centipede', Scolopendra abnormis is an arthropod native to the Republic of Maritius, and can grow to up to a foot long. Unfortunately, it is also classified on the IUCN red list as 'vulnerable', and as Serpent Island is its only known habitat, it may not last the next few years. This species is unique, and plays a vital role in the ecosystem of Serpent Island, acting as a primary consumer to feed numerous varieties of seabird, many of which are on the endangered list themselves. In light of this, we ask you to support SISI (Serpent Island Support International) and aid our quest to preserve the fauna of Maritius' isles.

Thank you for taking the time to read this message. You can donate at the link provided:

sisi - dotnom

Sorry to bother you all, but I think this is a worthy cause! I've already forwarded the message to everyone on my contacts list, and I hope you'll do the same. Species like this are so fascinating, and they're really cute. I wish I could keep one as a pet...

Bakura


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Fuck you too

Bakuraruranina!

You DID read my blog! I knew it! And talking to me isn't soul-numbingly horrifically whatever? Coming from you – that means you think I'm awesome! It's OK. You can admit it. Most people do find it difficult to deny just how awesome I actually am. Many have tried to describe the extent of my awesomeness and never quite managed to do it justice. So I can see why you don't even feel up to trying, and go with insults instead. Most people do that. It's all right – I understand completely.

Wait, when did I mention beer or birds? Have you been stalking me? No fair! How come you've never said hi?

(Also, if you don't have a reason to be bored, you're not bored. You're just enthralled by my awesomeness. Difficult mistake to make, but you seem to have made it.)

So how's it going up on the... blimp? Did you type that right?

Your... deck... is stronger than it's ever been. You mean you're going to deck someone? As in, punch? Heh, I never thought of you as the violent type. You're more the 'inconsequential threats' type.

So I talked to Japan at the conference to see if I could get the whole ship thing cleared up. Well, actually I went to England first because I figured, hey, he used to have the biggest navy, so maybe he could help. He told me to fuck off, though. Well, actually he told me to fruk off, but I figured he just misspoke. Anyway, I mentioned Thiefshipping (the hell? Not even a word! This coming from the fucking homeland of compound words!) and Japan's eyes went wide. He, uh... he looked a little angry. Although still polite. (Why is it that you keep making me piss people off inadvertently?) Said something difficult to make out about Tendershipping being the only OPT – no, wait, POT, I think. Politely. But it was pretty freaking terrifying. So I just nodded along and agreed with everything he said – none of which, by the way, made any sense whatsoever. Then Hungary turned up and I might have said something about her being all – well, all 'squee' about this Thiefshipping thing.

I, uh. I think I triggered an international crisis.

Damn you, Kura.

Japan and Hungary are still arguing last time I checked. Japan's being politely menacing, and Hungary's reaching for the frying pan, and nobody can even tell what the fuck they're even talking about. Except for the bespectacled ponce in the corner – Austria to you - who's looking all long-suffering and amused. Idiot.

(You said never to mention ships again, but you must have known all along I'd just ignore you, so yeah. Mentioning ships. What are you going to do about it – card game me to death?)

Fine, whatever, be all up your own ass about the good and evil thing. See if I care. Pretentious bastard.

(But if there's going to be destruction – wanton or not, whatever – call me up! I don't want to miss out on that!)

Tch. You're no fun. Well, I'm going to rule the world someday even without your help! And then maybe, just maybe, I might let you have Egypt. But only if you ask nicely. And answer all my questions.

No-one mentioned card games at the conference. What do you think we are, kids? Admittedly, America wouldn't shut up about video games, but I suspect that doesn't count.

Gotta go – Turkey and Greece have started a fistfight and with any luck they'll let us all join in. Either way, this laptop's as good as destroyed!

Hope you're having fun being all badass on a blimp.

From the awesomeness that is me,

PRUSSIA! XD


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Re: Serpent Island Centipede

OH MY GOD, THOSE CENTIPEDES ARE SO FREAKING CUTE! That's it, I'm getting one of those as a pet. Is Serpent Island even a nation-tan? So tracking him/her down.

Ha, I have to say, Kura, I never pegged you as the animal-rights type. Also never thought you'd be the type to apologise for bothering me. Actually, it's hard to picture you apologising at all. Or, you know, saying anything remotely friendly/non-aggressive.

Come to think of it, where are you? You haven't emailed in two days now. I mean, yeah, you used to not reply for a week or so, but now we're messaging pretty much every day. So where the hell are you? And don't tell me there's no Internet reception on the blimp thing, cause you're actually closer to satellites and shit, so if anything, the connection should be stronger.

Write soon! I'm bored!

PRUSSIAWESOME!


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: Hello?

Kura? OK, look, I know we never said anything, but we had this thing, right? We'd email every day, right? Like an unwritten sort of rule.

So what's the use of a thing if you won't play by the rules?

Is it because I mentioned shipping? Shit, you're sensitive. Get over it and email me, will you?

PRUSSIA!


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: HELLO?

Kuraaaaa. Am waiting. With half-full beer can in hand, slightly irritated expression on face, and totally empty inbox. Remedy this. Now.

PRUSSIA.


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: Anyone... there?

Kura?

Shit, you were serious when you swore to someone weird whose name I can't remember that one day you'd just stop emailing! Damn it! You can't just stop writing!

Write back. Please. Write anything! Write to say you're pissed off that I keep bothering you. Write to say I'm a boring, unawesome, murderous bastard. Write to say you just killed a puppy. Write to say you ate a baby. Just write.

Goddamnit, Kura you're making me write stupid, pathetic soppy stuff now! Bastard.

Fuck you! I have better things to do than email you!

(But that doesn't mean I'd rather do them.)

Just get your ass over to a computer and type something.

Prussia


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject:

Kura?

... Bakura?


To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Subject: Back

I'm back. Nice to see you pining in my absence.

Bakura

P.S. I'm probably going to be away for quite a while, quite soon. Should everything not go according to plan, then I won't be in a position to email. I have a little time before the reckoning. But not much. Savour my presence, wuss.

P.P.S. And by the way, next time, just stop bloody emailing instead of acting like a pathetic moron. It's annoying, and my host is already disturbed enough without your influence.

P.P.P.S. And what the hell is all of this about a serpentine millipede?

P.P.P.P.S. And since when have I ever apologised for anything?


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: You stupid bastard!

Bloody shitting fuck, Kura! You bastard! Why didn't you warn me? Where the hell were you? Why didn't you say anything till now?

Is it so inconceivable that I might have been worried?

Not that I actually was worried. Much. No, I was the picture of unflappable awesomeness. Obviously. You're just rubbish at interpreting emails. Pining? Pfft. You wish!

Any plans to tell me what's going on right now, or are you just going to leave me in the dark as always? No, don't answer that – it doesn't take a genius to guess. Not that I'm not a genius. Or something. Anyway, you telling me anything to do with what's happening or where you are is looking about as likely as me ever learning what the hell Thiefshipping and Tendershipping are.

(Equally unlikely is the possibility of Hungary and Japan ever shutting up about it. They're driving every other Nation nuts with the constant arguing... Makes a change from all the usual death threats and century-old vendettas you get during world meetings, I guess. Sorta.)

If your 'host' is so disturbed – which I totally don't get, by the way, cause you're the disturbing one, not me – then why doesn't he stop reading your emails? Or why don't you just change your password? Duh!

Anyway, if you've never apologised for anything, explain the last email you sent about the cute centipedes! Check your sentbox, doofus. What is this, some sort of stupid game? Are you trying to screw with my head again?

(Are you actually France?)

Well, anyway, you're really weird. That's fine, usually. But when you're weird and refuse to say anything? That I take offence to. Guess I found myself missing all the death threats or something.

From the epitome of non-pining awesomeness,

PRUSSIA!

PS By the way, West keeps asking who I'm always talking to online. Mostly because I keep stea – borrowing his laptop. Say hi next time, kay? And try to refrain from adding anything homicidal. I know you, Kura.


To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Re: You stupid bastard!

Stop overreacting. You know I'll never be truly beaten. I merely lost a couple of shadow games (yes, they were card games) (you underestimate the importance of card games), and paid the price. Which happened to be my immortal soul. Don't worry: I got better.

Worried? Why would you be worried? You barely know me.

Hm. I think I'll leave you in the dark. It's best that you don't know too much, or I'd have to kill you.

How's Egypt, by the way? The concept of him being a person never fails to amuse me. Presumably he is mildly insane and enjoys stabbing people, as backed up by your butter knife comment a while ago. In fact, the entire idea of nations is bizarre. For one thing, people don't seem to be aware of them anymore. In my time, Egypt was at least acknowledged as existing, although all information about him was to be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

Hungary and Japan sound intriguing. I'd like to know more about them. They enjoy hitting people with cooking utensils, you say? I never did try that. Unless you count a knife as a cooking utensil. Or that one time with the colander. But I don't tell people about that one very often, and everyone who was present is sworn to secrecy.

My host reads my emails largely because, by default, they are also his emails. This is rather annoying, if a good psychological experiment. He now flinches whenever he sees a tea cup. That's another story not to ask about. I suppose I could change my password, but that would be so boring. Much more fun to occasionally confuse him. I send emails to addresses that don't exist, or do exist and are for the Lithuanian government, and such.

Ah. The centipedes. Do you know how annoying it is to have a bloody SISI collection box on every available surface. And the pamphlets. Sweet Bast's blessed hairball, the pamphlets. I've taken to burning them. So no, that email was not from me. It was from the idiot who owns this email, this body, and (roughly 5% of the time) this brain. Why yes, I did have the 'fortune' to end up with a host with morals. He donates to charity. He raises money for centipedes. He is going to get a fish slice to the head if he doesn't stop forwarding messages about the damn things to everyone on our shared contacts list.

I am not France. I can think of nothing to say - and no threats to make – on the matter. Please reread older, more unambiguously hostile emails for my views on the matter.

Don't worry. If I do die at some point, the destruction wreaked upon the world probably won't leave much time for pining anyway. Heh.

Everything's going according to plan.

And yes, you do pine.

Bakura

P.S. Hello, West. I am apparently not allowed to threaten to murder you, so I'm not too sure what to write. I assume your name is actually Germany, although my knowledge of geography is somewhat shaky. In which case, I suppose we could discuss the finer points of Prussia's ('East's'?) penchant for pining. Unless he reserves his pining for me. In which case, I suppose you have your answer to why he only emails me all the time.

P.P.S. Prussia: I'm way out of your league.


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: Damn it, you long-haired git!

K-Kura?

What the fuck do you mean by THAT? Out of your league? How so, you bastard? If anything, I'm out of your league, because I'm way too AWESOME for you!

( ... Hang on, why would you even bring that up in the first...? No, wait. Never mind. It's probably just you being your usual bizarre self.)

On a related note, how is it that you can't find anything to say (aside from 'hello') to someone new besides death threats? Is that your idea of small talk or something? Cause, if so, a simple "nice weather we're having" would be just as effective, if not more so, as "I will slit your throat and eat your soul". Just a thought. Anyway, I showed that last part to West. He got that look on his face which means he's both stern and worried, which has the added unintentional affect of making him look constipated. He asked if I was entirely sure if this person was my friend. I told him, of course – sure, you can be an obnoxious dick at times, so I could see why he thought you didn't really like me, but the dickishness is really just a cover to stop you from having to admit how awesome I am.

(See, I do know you. Even if you'd never admit it. In fact, I know you well enough to know that you're the kind of person who'd never admit that I know you.)

I'd take offence to the whole 'keeping me in the dark' thing, if it hadn't been so obvious all along that that's what you were going to say.

Egypt's not insane! It's just that countries tend to have points in their history that they'd rather not talk about and will hit/stab/eviscerate any person who brings them up in conversation with the object nearest to hand. Which is sometimes, but not always, a butter knife. But, in answer to your question, he's been avoiding me. I blame you, of course.

But whaddaya mean nobody knows about Nations? Everyone knows about Nations! Everyone's always been able to recognise us. I mean, hell, you can't even glance at an American tabloid without seeing pictures of Alfred (and England, for that matter) splashed all over the front cover! Where've you been living all this time– under a rock?

As for Hungary and Japan... well, the war rages on. Actually, it's taken on a freaking global dimension since yesterday. Were now officially dealing with World War Three. They were arguing, as usual, when suddenly England came up to them, looking all smug. He said: "Let's settle this with a compromise. In order to quell this dispute, the answer is simple: Tornshipping is the only way forward!"

Hungary and Japan just looked a little stunned, like they'd never thought of that before.

The France smarmed his way up to them. He said: "Why stop there? England, you surprise me. Surely Fractureshipping is far more practical."

I swear, Hungary's eyes were like saucers. "And way, way hotter! Yeah, I'm convinced!" she said.

But then Japan started to look irritated and muttered something about France going way too far and Tendershipping being his – OPT? OTP? Damn it, what's with all the initials, anyway? Then England snapped that France should stop being so perverted, and France said that he was one to talk, and then they began strangling each other like they always end up doing, and then Japan and Hungary began arguing again, and then somehow the whole room got involved.

Would someone please explain to me what the fuck is with everyone these days? Or, you know, failing that, at least explain what shipping is?

Am totally not expecting any answer, of course.

So let me get this straight: your 'host' is like your split personality? Ooh, is he like your nice, fluffy side? Cause, heh, that'd be really cool. Or is it just some kind of two-souls-one-body thing?

Oh, and?

Like. Fuck. Do. I. Pine. Stupid, effeminate bastard.

(Just don't fucking disappear again, promise? Geez, just give me some warning next time, will you?)

From someone who is amazing, out of your league and just generally all-round awesome,

PRUSSIA! :P


To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Re: Damn it, you long-haired git!

I think nations have a little too much time on their hands. Also the rest of them are all disturbed. Stay well out of the way of their verbal flame wars. And no, you will never know what a 'flame war' is, if I have my way. Or 'shipping'. The idea of you shipping anything is enough to make me want to retch or possibly laugh hysterically.

I am going to ignore the 'out of your league' comments, because I have taken to ignoring anything with a stupidity content as high as that.

I don't see why I should talk about the weather. Back in Egypt, it was mostly the same all year. Days were warm; nights were cold, etc. I was fine with that, having never experienced much else. Now there's variation, and people actually talk about it. Why, pray tell? No point. Besides, why shouldn't I tell people that I'm going to slit their throat? "Honesty is the best policy". And I don't eat souls. I collect them. Souls need to be carefully preserved to maintain their sheen. They're delicate. Metal's best, for sealing them, although I've heard that clay can be used. Soft materials, like lead and clay and gold. Gold is especially good.

I digress.

I'm not your friend! Where did you get that impression? I don't have friends, I have allies, and people who help me occasionally, and people who maintain contact with me. I don't have friends. I have people whom I would willingly defend because it is advantageous to do so.

I suppose that over in the west, nations are a big thing, and over here, card games are. It would certainly make a lot of sense, despite the fact that Duel Monsters was initially developed in America. You should play Duel Monsters. Of course, I would almost certainly leave you pining in the gutter with my occult deck, but nonetheless. Decks reflect their owners. Perhaps the game needs to branch out to include 'moron' type monsters in order to accommodate you.

And again, I refuse to explain the concept of shipping. Just drop it.

I must leave such an impression, that you don't even bother asking questions anymore. I'm almost flattered. Almost. Except I do explain things. For your information: my host is an incredibly apathetic teenage boy, who tends to ignore random violence and destruction in favour of staring at a certain other host with a questionable haircut. He does play tabletop roleplaying games like Monster World, though, so he at least has taste. If not much, judging by his centipede fixation. At any rate, if you want to know more about him, just imagine a kicked puppy that knows that if it so much as whimpers, it will be kicked again. So it sits there in silence, looking a little miserable and mildly constipated, collecting fangirls. Pathetic, I know. As to our connection, the Millenium Ring (the current resting place of my soul), is his. He is its fated owner. Ergo, we share a head. Yay.

I suppose, if it will make you shut up, I promise that I won't disappear. Like hell am I going to let Mutou beat me, when the time comes. So there's no chance of that happening.

Bakura


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: Hey you :)

Kura!

How come you never sign off as 'Kura'? It's obviously what I call you, so you should go along with it, given that we're friends and all. And how come you never address me by name, anyway? Too shy? Hehe.

Oh yeah, and we're friends because I say we are. And because if I left it up to you, you'd never admit it, because you'd be too intimidated and overwhelmed by my awesomeness to even bring it up. Anyway, I'm a Nation - I technically outrank you. So what I say goes. And I say that your cute little description of allies you'd willingly defend sounds an awful lot like friendship. I mean, hell, with Nations, 'alliance' tends to mean 'love affair' – 'cept when it's England and France, in which case it's more 'hate affair'. Or England and America, where it's just 'really fucking ambiguous'.

The other Nations aren't disturbed! France is depraved, sure, but... OK, well Russia's pretty disturbed, actually. But England's just sort of uptight and grouchy. Hungary's weird and insane, but it's not disturbing, just occasionally terrifying. Austria's a ponce, but he's too boring to be disturbed. Japan's too sane. Well, sort of. America's just sorta deluded, more than anything else. Veneziano's a space cadet and Romano's a living bundle of emotional issues, but yeah. And West is the sanest, most normal person I know! The rest of us... none of us are disturbed exactly! I mean, if we're using you as the model for that, nobody even comes close to your level of fucked-upness.

(Besides Russia, I mean.)

OK, the soul thing? Really fucking creepy. Worse, I asked England about all that shit to do with metal and stuff – and he agreed. Said he didn't know who I'd been talking to, but they really knew what they were doing. So there you go: you have Eyebrows' approval.

Damn, I'm gonna have to ask Egypt about what he thinks about being one-upped in importance by card games! Ha! Duel Monsters sounds pretty cool, though. My Moron Deck would be the strongest, most awesome one in existence! Far better than any dumb Occult Deck. I'd kick your ass from here to Tannenberg, bet ya anything.

Am dropping the shipping thing here and now. I hear way too much about it at work these days, anyway.

Whoo! I know how to get you to explain stuff! If I say you never explain anything, you'll do it just to prove me wrong! Hehehe! Totally deliberate gambit on my part. Obviously. What's your host called, anyway? Lemme guess. Rainbow? Fluffy? Puppy? I like puppies. They're so cute! Also centipedes. Damn, I want a Serpent Island centipede. I asked West if he wouldn't mind one – he just sort of looked at me, which I took to mean both 'yes' and 'no'. As in 'yes, I would definitely mind' and 'no way in hell'. So I'm thinking of getting a tarantula instead; I don't know, what do you think?

I guess it'd get pretty annoying sharing a head with someone. I mean, sharing a house with someone is bad enough sometimes. West gets bugged by it, I think. Then he takes out his irritation on me by being really irrational: telling me to clean my room, or to stop leaving empty beer cans on every surface, or to do the fucking laundry of all things. Gets on my nerves, I can tell you.

Yay, you promised! And you know what? Only friends make promises. Virtual pinky swear, hey?

You know you think I'm awesome,

PRUSSIA! XD


To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Subject: A sudden revelation

I have suddenly realised why your emails are so moronic. It's because, by some strange fluke of the internet, the phrase 'eternal hatred' keeps on being replaced by 'friendship'. Likewise, 'awesome' should really be 'a fucking idiot' (e.g. "You know I'm a fucking idiot"; "That's totally fucking idiotic" etc.)

Bakura


To: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom
From: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet
Subject: Hehe

No need to get all defensive, Bakky. :)


To: PrussiaTheGod-at-Awesome-dotnet

From: KingOfThieves-at-DubiouslyAmoral-dotcom

Subject: Oh, for the love of...

I'm worried. Your last email was even worse than the penultimate one. In light of this, I'll respond to the lesser of two evils.

I never sign off as 'Kura', because that is not my name. Bakura is a perfectly good name, of which I am rather fond. It rolls off the tongue, I think. It sounds better when it maintains the syllables it was given, as opposed to being brutally mangled and twisted into a pseudo-affectionate pet name. I never call you by your name because I never do shut up.

Excuse me. You do not outrank me, you brat. You should be quailing before my nigh omnipotence and impending actual omnipotence. I've never been one for rank, anyway. I rather like murdering people of rank. Or torturing them. Torturing seems an increasingly viable option. As for the relationships of nations, count me increasingly uninterested and utterly disdainful. And ambiguity is underrated, by the way.

You know, that entire paragraph just cinched it for me. You are all disturbed. Then again, the people around here aren't much better. From the little twerp with the purple hair, to the idiot Egyptian who is now 'redeemed' and officially as brainwashed into the twerp's ways as everybody else, everyone in Japan seems to have been manipulated into hero worshipping the pharaoh. It's like watching history fucking repeat itself, with fewer pyramids.

Oh yes, this is what 'friends' email each other about, isn't it? Their own petty problems and how much they hate everyone around them. Aren't you so proud of the progress we've made – from death threats, to 'friends'!

Please send me Russia's email address. I would like to contact him. He sounds like my sort of person.

Did you honestly not believe me about souls? Heh. I'm sure England told you that once a soul is sealed within a certain kind of very powerful magical object (generally gold), it takes power equal to or greater than that of the object to release the soul. That, or a bargain with whoever did or is currently held responsible for the sealing, usually in the form of a game.

And card games are quite possibly the most important thing in the world right now. Without them, far more dark and convoluted shadow games would be played. Which, whilst I would rather enjoy it, would give us all a splitting headache, because a shadow game without established rules is as good as a death warrant. Actually, I'm beginning to get ideas from this. Thank you for inadvertently aiding me in orchestrating the pharaoh's demise.

My host's name is none of your business. I prefer to keep him confined to his fated role in the world's destiny: not being particularly relevant. It also avoids the hassle of having threats towards him, as well as myself. A trap that the pharaoh fell right into, I might add.

The next person who mentions fucking centipedes is getting thrown out a window.

Sometimes I think that Germany puts up with a lot.

Cleaning your room. Highly irrational. I hate to break it to you, but Germany is right. You should keep your house clean. It not only allows you to leave at a moment's notice, but it means that you won't trip over stray beer cans, and fellow residents will appreciate it. Honestly, I can't stand clutter. You should tidy up. Tch. Idiotic nation.

No. You know what I am referring to, and my answer is and always will be 'no'. I am not your friend (how many times must I say this?), hence no.

You are as awesome as a knife wound to the left arm.

Bakura