Chapter 2
Kim Keeler took a deep breath before knocking on her eldest daughter's door. She didn't have long to wait before she heard a muffled "It's open." She was taken aback by the sight off Payson laying on the floor. She was wearing a hoodie that had once belonged to Rigo. She had worn it a lot until their break up right before the Olympics. She was surrounded by photos and letters. Yet, most surprising was Payson herself, the tears and old worn medal around her neck, and gray sweater balled up at her face.
Kim would have known that sweater anywhere Sasha wore it all the time at the rock. She asked before she could stop herself. "How did you end up with Sasha's favorite sweater? Why were you just smelling it?"
"He loaned it to me in London." She sighed. "Too bad it doesn't smell like him anymore. I loved that smell."
"How did he smell?" Kim asked more curious than she would have imagined.
"Cedar and Irish spring." Payson answered immediately no thought needed.
Payson sat up crossing her legs and asked already sure of what her mother's answer would be. "Can I tell you something you may not like?" Kim closed the door to give them privacy and sat mirroring her daughter in front of her.
"I lied to you. After I kissed Sasha. I said it was just a crush, but I was so hopelessly in love with him. He pushed me away that was true. He did what he should have and it crushed me. Then he left, everyone blamed me. I couldn't be honest about how I felt he would have never come back. I was so confused, I was sure he felt something too. There were times I could see this flash of something, when we talked this kinship. Understanding. Then it'd be gone."
"Oh Payson." Kim's heart weighing at her words, she reached across taking her hand. She had always believed Sasha and her daughter shared a special bond but she never dreamed how deep her daughter's feelings went. She had taken her at her word that it was a crush. In a different time with less of an age difference, they may have made a great match. But she had been too young. What they had made Payson the gymnast that swept the London games. But at what cost to her heart though?
"We were walking, he was showing me around London. Trying to ward off the jetlag. I just blurted out, "You do know you're not getting this sweater back, don't you?" she chuckled thinking of his look of confusion. "He asked me why not?"
Her mom probed gently, "What did you tell him?"
"I stopped and waited until he was looking at me. 'Because it belongs to the man I have been in love with since I was 16, who believed in me even when I had lost faith in myself. I have seen you in it more times than I can count but more importantly, because it smells like you. So, I have every intention of going to bed in this sweater and nothing else. I want to fall asleep wrapped in your smell, because I know that's as close as I'll get to being able to fall asleep in your arms."
"Wow." Kim was shocked at Payson's bluntness with Sasha, the depths of her need at such a young age. Leaning forward, "What did he say?"
Payson made a face. "He reminded me we had talked about this before, but that just pissed me off. I pointed out we had talked about it when I was 16 and it was inappropriate and illegal. I was now 19 and a week away from retired. Since he was no longer going to be my coach I wanted to revisit the conversation. I pointed out that I had since dated multiple people and loved them. Yet, I had not been in love with either Rigo or Austin. I was no longer naive and knew my feelings for Sasha were not going away. I had spent years trying to ignore them and it wasn't working. I told him that I think you love me too. That you're so good at hiding but I know you feel something. So I guess what I'm asking is what do you feel for me? Do you love me? Or will I always be just a gymnast to you?" Tears ran down her cheeks as she remembered his answer.
"He cupped my face and said, 'It's such a wonderful dream to think we could actually be together. I wish it were as simple as us loving each other, but I can't give you what you want. The press has a long memory and they are waiting to see what happens after the Olympics. They are waiting for us to validate all the rumors. All of your accomplishments would be tainted. So would the others and my career would be over. I would be viewed as a pedophile.' He kissed me mom." Payson said both wonder and heartbreak obvious on her face.
"It was more than I ever thought could be in a kiss. Hunger, love, longing, adoration… everything he couldn't say was there in that one kiss. Then he just flagged a taxi. Then he broke my heart. He said "I have loved you for so long I don't even know when it started. Never doubt how much I love you. It is overwhelming at times." He helped me into the cab and kissed me again. I could tell it was goodbye. He gave the driver money and told him which dorm I was staying in. He was crying when I looked back.
He was at all my events, in the crowd. Always just out of reach. The story of my life. He left as I was on the podium getting my last medal. That night I lost my virginity to Austin." She handed two letters to her mom hopping for understanding.
"You're going to Romania." Kim stated fearing for Payson's heart. "He may not want you there. This offer is from his father not him. He left to protect you, he may have moved on."
"I spoke to Demitri today. He's dying. I want to be there in case Sasha needs me. I owe him that much for everything he's sacrificed for me. If he doesn't need me or want me there, I plan to take Austin's offer at the Rock. Dealing with Summer will suck but I may be fun upsetting her self-righteous views." Payson smiled mischievously.
"I'll support you no matter what but, Oh Pay I hope you know what you're doing." Her mother told her standing up. "I'll go prepare your dad as gently as possible. When do you leave?"
"Tonight. I'm stopping in Boulder to see Austin and will be leaving for Romania day after tomorrow." She answered cleaning up the letters and pictures covering the floor.
