March 7th
He never came today either.
Laura did. I woke up to find her leaning on the bars of my bed, looking at me.
"I've been waiting for half an hour, you should wake up faster." She said with a pout. For some reason this made me laugh, so much so that I couldn't stop for sometime. I was shocked that I could still laugh as I hadn't done so in such a long time. She asked me about Silent Hill, as I had told her James and I had visited it in the past. I told her of the amazing beauty to be found there. Rosewater Park where I used to love sitting and Lakeside Amusement Park which seemed to arouse her interest quite a bit.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Laura said, "James doesn't sound like a very good husband."
"Oh no, he's a wonderful husband."
"Then why isn't he here visiting you?"
It became clear that Laura's first impression of James was not a very positive one. I felt I could do no more to change her mind unless she were to meet him but as I was too sick to climb out of bed there was no way of phoning him and I was reluctant to ask the nurses. Those women act like they care, put on a show to appear nice, but really they're looking at you all the time. They pass my door and glance in through the window, I hear them whispering. I hate them.
March 10th
Three days have passed without so much as a glimmer of James. Laura continues to insist that he does not really care and has left me to suffer here. I am beginning to question myself, and perhaps maybe Laura is right. Yesterday I found out some interesting information about her. When the nurse came with my pills, Laura was hastily sent away and the nurse confided in me about how the poor child was an orphan. Unknown whether her parents were actually dead she had no place to call home and had been staying in an orphanage for a while until falling sick and coming here. The nurse was rather snide with her comments, stating that a child like Laura was too overbearing for aspiring parents these days, too nosy and boisterous and would never be adopted. I thought it rather unfitting for her to speak of a patient this way, especially a child and I breathed a sigh of relief when she left. I have been developing a close relationship with Laura and to hear people speak of her this way angers me, the way it would anger a mother overhearing her child being bad mouthed.
Midnight-Another sleepless night. Not because I am sad but because I feel terrible. Breathing has become a tedious task and my face is throbbing and flushed. My fingers shake and struggle to grasp the pen, I am crying uncontrollably and I do not know why. The medication is not working, the decline has already started.
March 11th
I have been sedated most of the day so I have no recollection of the day's events. The doctor told me he had no choice but to put me to sleep as I was shaking and suffered a fit during the night, thankfully one of the night shift nurses caught sight of this and alerted him. During my spell of unconsciousness the doctor took some blood samples to test. I have not heard back yet but I do not anticipate them. I know I am growing worse as the days progress but I do not feel sorrowful, nor angry. Instead I am preparing for that day. I shall write a letter to James, telling him how I feel, apologizing for everything I've said, done, to make him feel unwanted, unloved and one to Laura, that lovely child who has been so kind to me during my stay, regardless of how ugly I look and how often I cried.
James just left. After days of abscence he finally returned, more haggard than I have ever seen him. His breath was so rancid I could hardly face to look in his direction. He was wearing that green jacket again, the one he always wears, and although he looked unappealing with his stench of alcohol and stubble seeing that jacket caused my heart beat a little faster. I thought of asking him where he'd been but decided against it, he had shown up and that was enough for me. Unfortunately due to my condition I ended up dozing off only to awake to an empty room. The nurse told me he had left shortly afterwards but that she had told him the reason I had fallen asleep.
March 12th
Today has not gone well.
I began by taking my notepad and proceeding to write my letter to James. I do not know what to say to him, there is so much I want to say but so little time and in such an environment I do not feel comfortable. Instead I began my letter to Laura. I know at this stage that I have very little chance of surviving and if I am to die soon I want Laura to know how much she means to me so that I too, unlike her parents, am not abandoning her. I have always wanted children but have never discussed the matter with James, I was hoping to adopt Laura if I were ever cured. I imagined the three of us, James, Laura and I living happily together like a family. Now that my dream shall never be realized, I feel that it is time I began writing my goodbyes.
Laura came in shortly after I had started and I had to quickly hide the documents under my duvet away from her eyes as I knew if she discovered them she would not stop asking qustions. It was also at this time that James came in, slightly less tattered than yesterday. Laura was looking up at him expectantly, almost as if waiting for him to notice her. Her huge doe eyes were crying out for attention, like she wanted to believe he was a good man, like all children try to see the good in people. What happened next left me a little dumbstruck as James simply crossed over to my bed, completely ignoring Laura like she was nothing more than a prop, a part of the decor and began talking to me. I was going to yell at him over his rude attitude but when I turned to apologize Laura had already left. With barely the energy to breathe I settled for lying back and gazing at James, who attempted a smile. It was only a thin one but it was a smile. We didn't talk much, just small talk and as infuriating as it was, I knew it was an improvement on the previous silences.
After leaving Laura shuffled back in. I assumed by her stance that she had been waiting outside the whole time and I felt a little guily that I hadn't invited her back in to introduce her to James. She looked a little grumpy and I can't say I blame her. As the world outside the room continued flowing, the space between Laura and I ceased to move, stuck in time as I watched her glare at me with a sombre expression. I had nothing to say, I couldn't cheer her up and I knew her opinion of James was set in stone. It seems my dream of a family was more deluded than I had hoped.
