-2-

Cleansed. Here in this place I've come to belong to, I feel cleansed under the exposed, determined sun and gentle, welcoming waters raining down such a refreshing coldness against my naked skin. It's a sensation of absolute transparency and weightlessness that I've rarely ever felt. I honestly can't say I've ever felt it this clearly, here back under this familiar downpour once again that washes away fatigue and regret from the darkest depths of me. Thankfulness. That's what I'm feeling the most when I think about how I have the chance to know this peace all over again. It may not wash away the leftover sadness left clinging to part of me as I hoped it could, but it gets the job done nonetheless.
As for the lingering sadness, I know that I have Jay to rely on and aid me in fighting it out if such a feat is possible. Where sadness attaches itself to my aching body like a formidable and ugly ailment, he appears as an affective remedy to diminish it. Jaded piece by jaded piece, bruised fragment by bruised fragment, sharp edge by sharp edge. Even he can tell this won't be just any battle to be fought, but he's refused to let me battle this bitterness on my own and truly I've grateful for that too. In my weakness he holds me and grounds me best he can, never letting me stray far from myself even before himself or our love. He does so without a single question as to why I'm so bruised and beat, or so small and defeated, but simple with love and care. I know trust is mixed in there somewhere, otherwise he'd shoot off at least five questions a piece by the hour, but he trusts me to tell him when I'm ready. I could never express how comforting it feels to be so supported, be it physically or emotionally. Through sweet kisses left on pieces of me for distraction or talks that drag on though setting sun for diversion. He truly is there for me in this.
Even now, I find myself thinking, as he stalks over to my quiet domain with his quiet presence, bearing his heart on his sleeve. He watches me affectionately, watch me turn my being to him – bearing my bare heart and bare body. He gifts me again, like so many times before up until the second of my arrival, with his handsome grin the moment our eyes meet. In his large hand is a towel, one I haven't noticed was left and forgotten inside our cozy little home. "You'll wrinkle if you keep staying in there for so long, you know."
My eyes peer to the towel now outstretched before me. I reach to take it, pausing just to appreciate the gesture made only with consideration just for me. I wrap myself in it slowly, hesitant to leave this tranquil space. But I know I will have to. I've wasted so much water already, I'm sure almost two hours' worth. So, I step out from the green metal of the shower, glancing up to him all the while. I ignore the soreness in my neck to take in the haunting glow of his eyes in the night, such a free and beautiful sight. A leather jacket is slipped over my shivering shoulders. "…I wouldn't mind getting wrinkled if it's for a good shower. Then I'd only have you to deal with. I've never loved a girl who had wrinkled skin most of the time for sake of peace, but I'm not sure it would feel nice."
I earn a modest chuckle, an amused melody to drift into my ears. A tanned hand snakes into my own, so naturally that I have to recall if anyone has ever known my hand so precisely. I take into account in silence that I've never let anyone willingly learn it. He looks at me as if he could know such a thing, as if I'm just a mirror and he can himself in my eyes. "It will if it's you…isn't that the answer you were fishing for?"
His words tickle, I struggle to suppress a snort. I settle for staring to the ground laid out so uneven before me as he guides me over it ever so slowly. "Was I fishing? I had no idea. Look at me, fishing without so much as a pole or any bait."
"Trying to be funny today, I see…" he's mumbling above me, very casually and calmly. I feel my hair ruffle, feel lips brush against my hair. Emotions of joy spread through me, emotions of acceptance and ease. He draws my attention yet again. "Come, let's get you dressed for dinner. You can borrow something of mine for now. I imagine it'll be more comfortable that way."
I give my head a simple, definite shake. Emotions bashfulness coming to play with emotions of courage bubble up to distract me from what Aiden's thoughts or reaction to this would be, I grab my gaze to meet his. "No, no…if its pajamas and comfort, I'd rather go for my bra and underwear. Can't go wrong with undergarments, especially considering this heat. I'll get less of a chance of overheating in my sleep. "
He thinks it over for a moment, offers for a simple, convenient nod. "Alright, if that's what you want…I don't think it's a good idea though to show up to dinner like that in case."
I snicker at that, bump him with my shoulder. "Well, I wasn't going to go that far…Can't take the risk, with young Cody around and all."
"As if he was that much younger than you." An eyebrow is lifted with the challenge of a smirk. I lean closer to him, for fear of any more goosebumps.
"Five year…it can make a hell of a difference, depending on the person. Don't underestimate my baggage." I say playfully, watch his eyes start to twinkle sadly. Almost impatiently, just helplessly enough for me to believe so. I start to think that I must have sounded sad, at least to his ears.
He gives my hand a firm squeeze, rubs his thumb over the knuckles. He takes a deep breath upon arrival on the front door, I can tell he didn't want our time together to end. We haven't had much of it alone after I arrived. Nonetheless, he drags himself inside and easily holds open the door for me to squeeze past. "You're right. Five years can make a big difference in people. Anyway…come get some clothes. I want to see how much cuter and smaller you'll look in them."
"Cute and small, huh? Am I some little brat now, for you to be using those words?" I question, eyebrows raised lightheartedly.
He gives his answer in the form of a smug smirk, simply release me to the direction of his room. Upon entering he heads straight for the clothing. He rustles around carelessly for a moment, looking back only to take in my short height and womanly figure adoringly. When he's retrieved an outfit, he careful sets it in my hands. "You get changed. I'm going to check on Cory and that dinner. He's a good cook if he gives it a good some nights, but I still don't necessarily trust him with cooking. Especially tonight, he looked a little distracted just now."
I sit the clothes down to the bed, turning away from him. The words are tossed over my shoulder as I hold on to the towel, shy to be throwing it off while his still physical presence haunts the room. "You should have some faith. He's a hard-worker, one that gives all his attention to the task. I doubt he'd burn anything down…well, any other night."
"Yes, let us hope that that is the case." He throws out the ending statement before retreating from the room, the door chasing after him with a quiet slam.
I don't watch him go, becoming too distracted by his being revealed about the room. I'd always wondered how it would feel, seeing the room he rests his head in and being surrounded by his physical-self turned decoration-self that has come to adorn it. There isn't much to look it, but his personality about the room is easily detectable. It causes the formation of a smile to play about my lips. It feels real enough for me to feel comfortable in this new space.
I slip into his fitted, plain dark grey boxer shorts and heavy, seemingly oversized pale blued t-shirt in amazement. His aroma radiates from the clothes, along with their fresh soapy scent, causing waves of coziness to crashes over me. I laugh as I lower to his bed, scooting back as I sniff at the fabric around my neck. I hear the words jump from my smiling lips happily. "…It's almost as if he's wrapped around me yet again."
"Talking to yourself again?" I come to hear his voice only after the door has opened. He tilts his head at me, crossing his arms as he gifts me a cute smile. I've never known the feeling of my heart bursting until now. I pet the space nearest me, invite him to take it.
I watch him scoot next to me, towel in hand. "You know…this one guy, his name was Cole…he use to tell me that talking to yourself was good. To have a conversation with yourself, your real self."
The words don't come out sounding sad, but he catches the teary eyed gleam in my eyes. He turns to me, takes my head in the towel. His movements are rough, but his words gentle. "Cole sounds like a smart man…Tell me more about him sometimes."
I sniffle until the veil of white, hear a shaky laugh release from my lips. "Sure. Another time. I want to enjoy being spoiled first."
"You think this is spoiling you?" he says curiously, waits until he's dried the first regions of my hair to continue. "I do this for everyone, ask my family and even the dog. I haven't even begun to spoil you yet, Jodie."
"Were you always this sweet?" I whisper. It comes out weak, even to me. I let my eyes fall, for fear of crying. This sweetness…I've only seen it in communicational gestures, in the rarest of physical touches, but never so upfront and outright.
He brings himself closer to me and I go breathless. "Jodie, I can honestly say I wasn't this disgustingly sweet until I met you. You're pretty lucky, don't you think?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I say faintly, lips crashing into his. I can't say I don't want to cry. I can't tell him how unlucky I've become.
He doesn't ask me to say or tell him any of these things, so I'm felt to feel the impact of our kiss between the sadness. I turn myself to him, try to grab onto him. He grabs me first.
The look in his eyes is somewhat pitiful. It's hidden there behind his worrisome gaze. The hand gripping my arm is tight. "Jodie…let's not escape it this way. It won't be any good if you come to me like this. I don't want this, for either of us."
"Who taught you to be this good to me?" I feel a tears drop down my cheek. He kisses it away within the instant, release me from the hiding spot under the towel left hanging.
"Perhaps from Paul? He gave me one hell of a lecture about letting you go the last time, looking so sad and determined to defeat your own demons." He stays, scooting away from me. I simple watch in shock.
"Was he angry with you?" I say quietly. He pulls at my ankle, making me come to him too. He pulls me from the bed and into his arms. I collapse into him, feeling like I can actually be this weak for once and it would be okay.
A kiss finds my forehead softly. "He was. I told him it wasn't about us…that we were good. Whatever you were facing had to be bigger than us, I could feel it when you kissed me."
I rest my chin to his chest, stare up at him. To sense such a thing from me without me giving any kind of verbal hint…
"You must have fallen for me first." I tease, but being able to feel this close to someone, to possess such a bind to each other, it makes me feel so much less endangered to myself. Now if only I could work on feeling less lonely…
He leans down to give me a proper kiss, one much less saddened by my burden and much less haunted by my past. It is warm and thoughtful, much like his heart. He smiles for me and at me… "Come on. Come eat dinner with us tonight, we'll make it your return party and have some beer."
His consideration, his warmth…it's almost enough, I try to convince myself, to not feel so crest-fallen. His family…their air of togetherness, it's almost enough for me, I tell myself, to feel like less of a person for tonight.