First day back at school after the eventful trip to Okinawa. Walking up the winding wilderness trail to the E-Class building, it gives me time to think. Which is not something I always want.
Earlier today I wasn't worried about how school would go. I was just in autopilot, living life as it usually goes. But on this long walk up to the building, I have time to contemplate what the day will look like. Because school won't be as it was before. Whether the others know it or not, they've seen me at one of my lowest moments.
I dig my fingernails into my hands, trying to use the pain to get my mind off the subject of what I did on the mission. What happened isn't what matters, at least not at the moment. What matters right now is that the rest of the class is aware of what happened.
Now, I love the E-Class. I'd rather be with them than any other class in the world. But no one knows just what an effect their words can have, not fully. I'm not even at the building yet, but in my mind I can already hear Rio snickering when she sees me, I can already see Karma showing everyone the pictures he took. My mind's eye shows me a classroom full of people laughing and jeering, and I know it's an unfounded, baseless fear, because I know they're all such wonderful people, but even the kindest of people hurt others, even accidentally.
But I manage to push those thoughts out of the forefront of my mind, because there's Karma, at the end of the trail. He waves, says "Hey, Nagisa! Didn't think I'd ever beat you to school!"
I open my hand, I'm about to wave, but I look at my palm. I see what almost look like scars on my palms. Must be from last night. They're red, obviously hurt, but not bleeding. Again, hadn't noticed. Anyway, can't have Karma noticing. He'd either make an off-colour joke, or use it against me sometime in the future. We're good friends, but because of that I know him better than to show him something that could give him a leg up on me like that.
So, instead of waving back, I opt to just do that head nod thing of acknowledgement. "Guess I was just a bit lazy this morning, Karma." Not quite true. I'd gone to sleep too soon last night. Well, I say gone to sleep. I'd gone to bed too soon. I didn't sleep for a while. It's always hard to do after those sessions with mom. Anyway, I went to bed with some makeup still on. My fault for not noticing. Can't I do anything right? So I had to spend time this morning scrubbing it off. It's so much harder to remove when you leave it on overnight. It's such a simple thing to remember, how could I have forgotten to just clean it off last night?
"Well, class starts in like, five minutes, so you better get it in gear." He turns around. "I'll see you in class."
"Yeah, see you." I reply. And now I'm late. I really am worthless, aren't I? I try to push that thought aside, though. It's not going to help me get to class on time.
I manage to enter the classroom just as Koro-Sensei calls my name for attendance. Lucky me. "Cutting it rather close, aren't you, Nagisa?"
"Sorry, Koro-Sensei."
"Not to worry, Nagisa. Just find your way to your seat, okay? Make sure you're not late again, though. A good assassin is always on time! Nurufufufu!"
"It won't happen again." I bow at the hip in front of him, as a sign of my apology. Before he can continue attendance, I take a quick swipe at him with the anti-Sensei knife. He dodges easily. I shrug. "Worth a shot!" Then I take my seat.
Despite a rough start to the day, class goes reasonably well. Showing up late had actually been slightly on purpose. Before school there's always so much socializing. I just didn't want to have to deal with the possibility of people mentioning what happened at the bar on Okinawa to me, first thing back at school. If I prepare myself during the first few classes of the day, I may just be ready for the others to start talking about it. Hopefully.
Math class is draining, but not so much on my emotional health. By the end of the period, I feel like there's smoke pouring out of my ears. I wasn't that bad at math before they decided to inject the alphabet into it. Whoever came up with that concept is a crueller person than any assassin I've met.
Literature class is way better. I've always enjoyed throwing myself into stories, and reading the classics is just doing that. Maybe it's a bit tougher (a lot tougher) than reading light novels or manga, but what can you do?
Our last class before lunch break is history. We're covering the Taika reforms right now. It's tough to remember when they took place, but trust Koro-Sensei to make it easier. "Taika alive in 645". Just say that rhyme, and you'll always remember that the Taika reforms took place in the year 645 AD. He's a great teacher.
The triumphant feeling of completing a worksheet just as the lunch bell rings is a great experience. "Okay students, take your lunch break. A good assassin eats good nutrients, so take this time to energize yourselves for the rest of the day." With that, Koro-Sensei slithered his way out of the class, to his office. That's when I feel an overwhelming sense of foreboding, and I turn around.
Karma and Rio. I guess trying to distract myself from my worries had worked. I'd been too busy doing the schoolwork to even think about what these two might say. I take a deep breath, and steel myself for what's to come.
"Hey, Nagisa, how's it going? You've been pretty quiet today." Karma says.
"Emphasis on the pretty." Rio snickers. I wince internally, don't let it show.
"Oh, I've been fine. Just been pretty tired after the Okinawa trip." I try to give as neutral of an answer as possible. No use bothering them over nothing.
"Tired, eh?" Rio pulls out her phone. I roll my eyes. I know where this is going. "You haven't been having late nights with your new boyfriend, have you?" She shows me a picture she took at the bar of me and Yuji. She put a pink, glittery filter over it, and drew a heart around me and Yuji.
"Rio, I hardly even know him, why must you aggressively ship me with him? Not sure if you forgot, but I am a guy, you know." I've had so much practice keeping myself calm, it's second nature. I can't believe she took pictures. I'm so uncomfortable with cameras, even in the best of times. She couldn't know that, I've never told anyone, but I can't believe there's a picture of me in that outfit. It's so wrong. Looking at it is causing a physical pain in my chest. But despite all that, I keep my face even, throwing in a slight exasperated chuckle. "Sheesh, I can't even picture myself with a girlfriend, let alone a boyfriend, so I just don't get it." Friendly banter is what they want. I'll give it to them. They don't mean to hurt me, so why let them know that they have?
"Ooooh, so Nagisa can't picture himself with a boyfriend, can he? Is it maybe just because you don't have to picture it anymore?" Karma says, winking.
"C'mon, guys, give him a break. That whole ordeal was a bad time for him. Maybe don't bring up something like that so nonchalantly, okay?" Kaede says, appearing suddenly. On the inside, I'm so grateful for the escape route she's provided for me. I could just take it and leave this conversation. But that would bother the others. I wouldn't want to do that to them. No one likes having their fun stamped out, so It's probably just better for me to let them continue. It doesn't hurt that bad, I can't let it hurt that bad while others are around.
"No, it's fine. It's just playful banter." I manage to say, and no one can tell anything is wrong.
"Well, if you say so." Kaede shrugs. Fortunately enough though, they don't have many other jokes on the subject, so Karma and Rio turn to other topics.
I can't believe that ended so quickly. I want to be able to pay attention to what they're saying, they are my friends, after all. But I can't focus, all I can hear is the breath coming in and out of my lungs, and how sore my hands are.
I look down. I'd been clenching them again. My muscles are tired, that's why they're sore. It's only after looking at them that I also feel the sting of the nail-shaped marks on there. They're deep imprints, but no blood. I close my fists again, careful to ensure the flesh of my fingers is what is contacting the palm, not the nails. I do it so no one can see what's happened to my palms. They wouldn't notice anyway, but I still do it. Just in case. I breathe in, squeeze them, hold my breath, and slowly let go as I breathe out. Fortunately, I manage to do all this in a quiet manner, calm, so no one can tell anything's wrong. I'm even somehow capable of smiling and nodding as they carry on with their conversation. Fine.
I haven't even touched my lunch by the time Koro-Sensei returns at the end of the break. It's fine. I wasn't hungry.
"Alright, students. I hope you enjoyed your lunch break! Now it's time for biology class." There was a resounding rustle throughout the class, as everyone got out their notes. "Continuing our unit on systems of the body, we will be discussing…" He took a dramatic pause. "The reproductive system!" There was a moment of absolute silence in the classroom. The momentary silence before the storm.
Karma was the first to say anything. "Well, that would be your favourite, wouldn't it, Sensei?"
"Er… I don't know what you're talking about Karma…" Koro-Sensei stammered. His face turned blue, and he began to visibly sweat.
"Oh, get over yourself! You are such a perv, and you can't deny it!" Rio chimed in. Koro-Sensei tensed up, he knew where this was headed. The class started to get pretty rowdy. Kids were talking, one of them even started looting through Koro-Sensei's desk for XXX materials. It was a mess.
"Hey, kids." Karasuma walked into the room. Absolute silence. "I understand that this is probably hilarious to you. And I get it. Believe it or not, I was a kid once, too. But it's something you've got to learn about sometime or other." He paused. "The better you all pay attention, the sooner the unit will be over, and we can all stop feeling so uncomfortable." There was a reluctant murmur of assent. "Good. Koro-Sensei, do your thing." And then he left.
"Now then, students." Koro-Sensei began. "Before we get into the actual biology of the system, I think it is worth going over the mental side of the subject." He paused. "Human sexuality is… complicated. And while I'm sure many of you are well aware of some of the particulars, we should definitely go over it, so everyone is on the same page."
He revealed a chart of an androgynous silhouette. Its head, heart, and genital region were highlighted. "There are three main components." He pointed to the crotch. "Biological sex." He pointed to the head. "Gender identity." Then the heart. "Romantic/Sexual orientation. Everybody following so far?"
As everyone else nodded, showing their understanding, I felt my insides start to twist.
"Now, the biological sex is potentially the simplest part, but even then there's great complexity. It tends to be binary, either biologically male or female, but there are instances to the contrary as well. For example, being intersex. In such cases, the genitalia may not match the chromosomes, or perhaps an individual may have parts of both sets of genitalia. And that's the 'simple' part of it."
I cross my legs. I fold my arms. I want this to stop. I bite my tongue. I clench my hands. All I can think about is my mother, how I disappointed her just by being born with the wrong body. I keep hearing her complain that I'm male. As she should. She doesn't deserve to have such a worthless child.
"Now we get more complex. One's gender identity does not necessarily match one's biological sex. One may be biologically female, yet identify as male. In times like this, it can be very uncomfortable for this person to be called female, or for people to use the wrong pronouns referring to him."
He kept talking, but I couldn't listen anymore. Too close to home. I see myself forced to crossdress, my mother playing with me like a living doll. I hear Karma telling me to take a trip to Thailand, so I can get the surgery easier.
I know the class will give me hell. As hard as Koro-Sensei is trying to teach this class acceptance, to open their minds to this subject, I know it will end badly. I know they'll joke, tell me it's okay to come out as identifying as female. The opposite is true. Everyone around tries to classify me as female, despite the fact I know I'm not.
I have to leave. I'm shaking, I can't get these images out of my mind, I keep living through that routine my mom forces me to do. All the feelings of fear, anxiety, dysphoria, that I had tried to bury come flooding back. My heart's pounding, I hear the roar of blood in my ears.
"Koro-Sensei, I'm feeling sick. May I leave?" I manage to say, even though my throat is dry, and my tongue feels stuck to the roof of my mouth.
"Certainly, Nagisa. Just remember to get caught up on the material for when you return to school." Koro-Sensei says, and before he's even back on track in the lesson, I'm out of the room.
They're probably laughing at me. They think I'm weak, I can't handle anything. Of course they do. Because I can't. I want to go home, but I know I can't make it. A panic attack? Really? That's so stupid, why can't I just get over this?
I need to hide. No one can see me like this. If someone else found out, who knows how much they could hurt me with knowledge like this. Given how much they hurt me unknowingly, imagine how much more they could on purpose.
I duck into the bathroom, open a stall, and lock myself in. Sit down. There. Now it's just me here. Me and my thoughts. My scattered, disjointed, neurotic, chaotic thoughts. I try to stop thinking about things, and focus on my body, the physical.
My body is tensing up, my breathing is shallow, my hands are clenched, and I can't open them. I close my eyes, try to just breathe, but there's just not enough air. My mouth is dry, but I swallow hard, just for an action that I can take, and my throat hurts. My head hurts. My chest hurts. My stomach hurts. My hands hurt.
And so I wait. I wait as seconds turn to minutes, and to hours, waiting until I can finally breathe again.
