The drive to the DX was short. When we arrived a crowd of teenagers already packed the lot. Two-Bit pulled in front of the station's garages and he, Pony and Johnny got out of the car to talk with Soda and the others.
I rested my head on the back of the driver's seat and looked out the window. Steve's girlfriend Evie was there along with the blond that Soda was crazy about, Sandy. I noticed Curly Sheppard and his neighbors Jim and Jon Weston. Then I saw James, the boy who had asked me to dance. I had seen him a few times at school over the past week and ignored him so I was sure he wouldn't be talking to me again. I watched Soda give Pony money and Two-Bit told Soda something and then pointed to the car.
Soda left the pack of kids and swaggered over to the car. I sat back in the seat and slouched down as if I was hoping he wouldn't see me. Soda pulled open the drivers side door and knelt on the front seat looking back at me. I just stared back at him with a look of annoyance on my face.
"Scout it's good to see you out of the house!" Soda smiled.
"Yeah, well I didn't and don't want to be here so why don't you tell Two-Bit to hurry it up so I can get home." I huffed. It wasn't fair to be mean to everyone, but when you are depressed and angry sometimes you do things you aren't proud of and can't seem to control.
"Come on now. Just go out and have a good time, you'll feel better." Soda tried to cheer me up. "That kid James has been asking about you. He seems like a real nice guy. I bet he'd go to Artie's with you guys!"
"No." I tried to ignore the radiant charm of my brother by staring at the back of the seat.
"Sissy, you have got to stop sulking! You know dad wouldn't have wanted you to be sulking like this." Sodapop made a poor assumption. He knew how much impact dad had on all of our lives and any other time his tactic may have worked, but not now. Now I was angry with dad. I had needed someone to blame for my pain and my parent's death. For the past few days I had convinced myself that none of this would have happened if my dad had been more responsible. The accident was his fault. Their deaths were his fault. My pain was his fault and I was angry.
I sat up and yelled back at my brother. "What the hell do I care what dad would have wanted? You know what Soda, all of this is dad's fault! I hate him!"
The words cut through Soda and he was shocked. You just didn't say that stuff about Soda's favorite guy. "You take that back Scout."
"No! I won't. Don't you see Soda?" I became belligerent and raised my voice. "He killed our mother! He was probably messing around and not being careful and he killed her … and he killed himself too. I hate him! I hate him for doing that to us!"
Outside almost everyone had heard my words. Inside Soda was mortified by them. I saw his carefree eyes lose their expression and turn to ice. He probably could have cussed me out, but I don't think he wanted to waste his words on me just then. Instead he just got up and slammed the car door behind him. I looked out the window at him as he walked into the garage and away from his friends. Steve and Ponyboy followed my brother into the station.
I thought about my words and realized how much I was hoping that hating dad would make me feel better. I needed the accident to be someone's fault. I needed to blame someone for all the pain I was feeling. I thought about sitting in the sun and reading with my dad. I thought about how he would poke me in the side and make me giggle or kiss me on the top of the head and tell me I was his angel. Soon the emotions that only a few minutes ago were anger and rage were now horrible pains of guilt. My throat got tight and I leaned forward with my head in my hands and sobbed. Now the family was in pieces and it was my fault. I was to blame and I felt the guilt from my actions. If there were truly stages of grieving I was working my way through them. I had felt denial, shock, loneliness, depression, anger and guilt. Now there were only two choices. I could linger in depression or move on to accept the fact that my parents were dead and it was nobody's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault and I truly knew that.
I sat there and cried as loud and as hard as I could. I even screamed when I felt like it. After a long time I breathed in and relaxed, then I repeated my action. Slowly calming myself and coming to the acceptance of my parent's death. I wiped my eyes and looked out the window. I could tell the band of greasers outside were watching me. I was sure they were all talking about the accident. I had to grow up and face the truth. I wiped my eyes and nose and pushed the car door open. I avoided the crowd and walked into the station through the garage door looking for my brothers.
I looked inside near the counter and saw Steve, Pony and Soda in a low conversation and I quietly interrupted. I whispered and felt my throat tighten. "Soda?….." My brothers turned to look at me. "I… I didn't mean what I said about dad." My eyes welled up again with hot tears. "I was just angry… you guys I am sorry for saying that….. I …. I … just miss them….."
Ponyboy walked over and grabbed me in his arms and hugged me. "Don't worry about it Scout." He tried to comfort me, but only I would be able to erase the guilt I felt for my poor behavior over the past week. "We know you have been having a rough time. We all have."
"Ya'll sure don't show it." I pulled my emotions back inside and straightened myself up as Pony let me go. I looked over at Soda who was still leaning on the counter looking at me. "Soda I am really sorry."
"I know." He said without his trademark smile. My words had hurt him and I could tell he was still angry. I knew I was going to have to just forget about it because by the time he got home Soda wouldn't be angry anymore.
"Come on let's get out of here." Ponyboy directed me to the door. "Soda gave me a couple dollars and if you stand here and piss him off some more he'll probably ask for them back."
Ponyboy's sarcastic comment brought a smile to Soda's face. "Yeah you two better get out of here and let me work." Soda walked around the counter and pushed us out the door as he and Steve followed us out.
Ponyboy walked over by Johnny's side and I walked back to the car. I stopped before pulling the door open and took note of the warm day and the bright sun. I thought of how much it was a metaphor for brighter days ahead. Pulling on the handle I noticed the door wasn't opening as I had expected.
"Need some help?"
I looked over to see James leaning up against the door holding it shut.
I half smiled. "No. If you get off the door I will be just fine."
"How about I get off the door if you promise to stop ignoring me all the time." James smiled back.
I turned toward him and leaned up against the car. "I haven't been ignoring you. I have just been a little preoccupied, that's all." James looked different in the sun then he did at the dance. His hazel eyes looked good with his green t-shirt and I liked the way his hair was greased back and ended in little curls. I had to give him credit for his perseverance. Most guys wouldn't pursue a basket case like me.
"Well if your not preoccupied anymore why don't you come with me and the guys to the Dingo."
"Can't! Sorry already got plans." I played hard to get.
"How bout tomorrow then?" James smiled hoping to lure me into a date. He had a good smile too. His teeth were straight and white and his cheeks had little dimples when he grinned. "My friends and I will pick you up at your house at about seven and we will go to a movie."
"Sorry, I can't accept dates without my brother's approval."
"Sodapop is the one who told me to come and take you out." James thumbed back at the gang. I looked in that direction to see everyone once again focused on what I was doing.
"Well here's your problem. Soda's not the boss of me and house rules say I can 't date till I'm fourteen." I laughed thinking about how James was going to figure out that dilemma.
"Well I hear that's just a few weeks away, so I'll see ya then." With that he turned and left. I got back into the car and thought about the boy. He was cute and he liked me. I guess that was a good start.
