You wake up with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and his head resting against your shoulder. You didn't even bother to take off your glasses last night and they're resting slantwise on your face. You sit up as best as you can and rub your head. You look around, making sure you didn't do anything too stupid last night, though you can't really place everything in the room with only one lens over your eyes. You're basically half blind like this, so your adjust your glasses.
Your room looks like it always does. Clothes are strewn about it and empty cans litter the surfaces. On the opposite side of the room you have a large server set up, generating so much heat that you have to keep your AC turned up year round.
It was terrifying last year when it died, but you'd had it repaired and now it's blasting at a chilly sixty-eight degrees.
But you're not cold at all. Karkat generates enough heat to keep both of you warm and you can't help but to press into him. He stirs and his eyes flutter open. The groggy look on his face makes you want to lean down and kiss him. He's so cute, but at the same time he's gotten almost rugged.
He looks up at you and slowly smiles. He hums a little. "Well you're still here."
"Of course I'm still here. I'm surprised you are."
He huffed a laugh. "You're the one that runs away."
You bristle a little at that. "Do not."
He smiles and leans up to press a soft kiss to your lips. "Do too."
You laugh a little. "Do you work today?"
He groans. "Yeah, I gotta work... Fuck what time is it?"
You look over him to the clock on you desk. "It's about nine."
"I don't work til eleven so I still have some time." He yawns and you lean in to give him another kiss. This is the first one you've initiated since the first kiss you shared.
He leans into it with a heady moan and you let your tongue trace at his lower lip. He pushes away from you and gets off the bed. He stretches, facing you, and his shirt lifts up a little. You can see the line of hair from his belly button down and all that you want to do is reach out and touch it.
You restrain the urge but watch him while he stretches more.
Once he's done he puts his hips and looks down at you. "You wanna get some breakfast?"
"No I wanna fucking sleep more." You rest your head on the pillow and watch his expression fall a little.
"Oh. Well, uh, I'll just be going then..." He turns to leave.
"Wait, KK, come back here." He turns and kneels by the bed, resting his hands on the mattress.
You scoot closer to him and give him another soft, chaste kiss. You pull back and smile at him. "Have a good day at work. Call me when it's done. We can go get some food."
He smiles weakly at you. "All right. Bye." He got up and left, leaving you to what little sleep you can get.
You wake up from a dreamless sleep to a quickly darkening sky and a stinging pain in your stomach. You haven't eaten since yesterday. You pull yourself out of bed and look at the clock. You walk to the bathroom and take a quick shower before looking at your phone.
Three missed calls.
Two unread texts.
And a partridge in a fucking pear tree.
You unlock your phone and listen to the messages. All of them are Karkat. It's about five and he got off at about three. Each of his messages is roughly the same, though the third is asking if you're okay or if you're blowing him off. His texts are the same.
The last one was sent while you were in the shower.
You tap out a quick response to let him know that you slept longer than you'd wanted to and that he could come over now. You want to catch up. Maybe make up for lost time.
He responds quickly and buzzes to be let in less than fifteen minutes later.
Once he's inside, you start making some food. Nothing much, just a rice and vegetable thing you learned how to make. Filling and healthy. Just what you need before a run or if you haven't eaten in a while. He's sitting at the table, watching as you cook and you can't help but to feel a little self conscious now. You look at him as you cook the carrots, onions and broccoli.
"So what's your job?" You ask as you stir the vegetables over the medium-high heat.
He shrugs. "It's just a shitty warehouse job. I stock shelves there, work the forklift, carry heavy things. It's boring and meaningless and I would rather eat a plate of fucking glass and nails than work at a job full of such low-brow, mouth breathing troglodytes."
"Wow, KK, you really have a thing against working in a warehouse?"
"Have you ever worked in one?"
You blink as you add spices to the vegetables. "Well, no, but it can't be that bad can it?"
He laughs bitterly. "It's horrible. It's a fucking waste for me to be there."
"Then why are you there? Why aren't you in school?" You look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Last I checked, despite your intense case of idiocy, you're actually a pretty fucking smart guy."
He smiles at you. "Thanks, but I tried the college thing and they didn't like me."
"What?"
"I fucking flunked out." He looks away from you and you turn down the heat to put a hand on his head. He looks up at you. "What the fuck?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."
He shrugs a shoulder and swats your hand out of his hair. "It doesn't fucking matter. I couldn't do the work."
"What was your major?" You go back to the stove and turn the heat up. The rice is almost done now and the vegetables just have a few minutes left to cook. You feel like some meat would be nice, but you remember that Karkat was vegetarian in high school. Maybe he still is now.
"Programming."
"Hey so's mine." You grin as you stir the food.
"Yeah, well, I made one of the lab computers explode. I don't even fucking know how. It just fucking happened..."
You laugh a little. "Didn't that happen when you were like thirteen, too?"
He huffs. "Yeah. Because you sent me that fucking virus you nut sucking fuck."
"Oh yeah." You laugh again as you put the rice in the pan to let it finish cooking with the vegetables. You look back at him. "But they flunked you because of that?"
"No I failed that class and a couple others... The army can only do so much for you if you're a complete fucking waste of space." He crosses his arms over his chest and you can't help but watch the way his skin and muscle moves under his almost too-tight shirt.
You turn the heat down to low to let the food finish and you sit next to him, giving him a stern look. "Only one of us gets the waste of space shit and that one of us is me, KK."
"Fuck you." He rolls his eyes and shakes his head with a grin. He's still in good spirits.
You look at the stove. "So are you still vegetarian?"
He raises an eyebrow at you. "Do I fucking look vegetarian to you?"
"Hey one of the biggest guys I know is vegetarian."
He blinks. "Wait. Do you fucking mean Equius Zahhak?"
"Yeah."
"He was my TA in my Bio lab. He was a weird fucker."
You laugh. "Yeah he was my TA, too."
"Small fucking world." He shakes his head again. You stand up and look at the food on the stove. Almost ready.
"So are you still vegetarian?"
"Nah, man. Gave that shit up along with the exclusivity of being straight. Or, well, around the same time I realized that I wasn't." You can feel his eyes on you. "You had a lot to do with that I think."
"I already said I was sorry, KK. I can't really do much else now." He stays quiet while you dish out the food and set the bowls on the table. You feel a little strange without protein, but whatever. Not the first meal you've gone without it and it won't be the last.
The two of you eat in an awkward silence. Or at least it starts out awkward. It eventually becomes fairly comfortable. You smile some as you eat the familiar dish and then turn your gaze to him. He's holding the fork in a vise-like grip. White knuckled with tendons and veins threatening to burst from under his skin. He eats slowly and it looks as if he's thinking something over in his head. Trying to piece everything together. Trying to find what to say. It takes until you've finished your bowl for him to say anything.
"You could take responsibility."
"For what?"
He swallows. "For making me love you for so long. And for making me hate you. For making me want to jump you right now and to bash your face in."
He continues to eat, slowly chewing between what he says.
"Sollux Captor, I don't know how I feel about you, but I'm constantly torn between wanting to make you suffer and wanting to make love to you." He looks you in the eyes as he says this. His voice is strong and unyielding. Like he's rehearsed this a thousand times. But like he's still nervous about what you'll say.
You stand up and take you bowl to the sink. As you rinse it out, you think about what you could say to him. What you should say. You lick your lips and look at him. He's done eating, but he's staring at the bowl. You stay at the sink and bow your head. "I've been a real dick you, Karkat."
"No fucking shit." His voice is weak. You're not sure if you've said this enough.
"I want to make it up to you somehow."
"And just how the fuck do you plan to do that?"
You rub at the back of your head a little and look toward your bedroom door. "I have lube and condoms in my room. If you want me to take responsibility, well, consider this me making the offer. If not, then it's okay if you want to go." You wash your hands and dry them on a towel. A short walk takes you to your room and you sit on your bed, listening to the soft humming and whirring of the server.
A few minutes pass, but it feels like hours. Days. He comes to the door and leans against the frame, like he's not really sure what he's doing. You're certain that neither of you know what's about to happen.
Though you're also certain that what's about to happen isn't going to be any less confusing than what's already between the two of you.
He moves in and positions himself between your legs, like he had yesterday. He leans down to kiss you and you hungrily meet his lips. His hands are on your waist as he moves his lips slowly, gently, against yours.
You make a noise in your throat and move back, pulling him with you.
He groans against your lips and his hands are like hot irons against your skin. The heat is burning through you like you've never though possible. Like he isn't human. He pulls at the hem of your shirt and moves it up, letting his fingers tease at the exposed skin beneath. You lean into the touch, hoping for more of this.
He moves his hands like he's afraid that you'll break. But he keeps them on you as he caresses each inch of skin, like he's afraid that if he loses this contact that you'll just disappear on him again. He breaks away from your lips for only the necessary time that it takes to pull off both of your shirts and toss them aside.
You wrap a leg behind him, trying to assure him that you won't leave. But at this point you're more worried about him leaving. His head is muddled by rage and hate and years of debating over this moment and this situation. He could decide that the only way for this to end is with leaving you like this and never seeing you again.
That feels like it could be poetic justice.
But it also feels like complete and utter bullshit.
You're reassured by his lips. He's pressing them to your neck, sucking just above your carotid artery. He's almost completely silent as he moves against your skin. You never want him to pull away. You want him to stay here, with you.
You're beginning to understand how he must have felt when you kissed him.
But neither of you are seventeen anymore. Neither of you don't know what you're doing. In fact from the way he moves against you, you can tell that Karkat very much knows what he's doing. You want to ask him who taught him this. How he learned to make you want to come just from having his heat pressed against you.
But you don't. You let your voice come out in warbled moans instead. You want him to know that, although he's only kissing you, he's still tearing you apart. Still managing to destroy you, though not in the way that he'd wanted.
You whimper when he pulls off your neck. He stares down at you, his grey eyes piercing you in a way that you didn't think was possible. He moves his hands from your chest and pulls your glasses off, taking care to fold them gently. You're thankful for that. The frames were expensive, even if they are just elliptical, rimless frames. They've been your look since you were a child, after all. Guarding your eyes from harsh speculation as to what color either was.
He leans over and sets them down on your dresser but then looks you in the eyes. It's hard to see him now without your corrective lenses, but you can still feel him looking down at you, almost reverently.
His hands pass over your chest again and, as he presses closer to you, you can feel him through his jeans. Both of you are at least half hard now and you want him. You want him in you and around you. Pressing close and pulling tight. You want him to beg for you and to make you beg him. You want everything he has to offer and you want to give him your everything in return.
He moves a hand down your chest and rests it at the top of your jeans to thumb the belt.
You move your own hands down, fumbling with the damnable buckle. But after a few tries you get it off and he moves his hands to pull down your pants. You wiggle and twist, helping to get them off your too-skinny legs. He growls once they're off and leans back down, pressing a harsh kiss to your lips. His tongue works its way into your mouth and explores while his hands wander your body.
He presses against you again and you can't contain the noise that escapes your throat.
He pulls back again and looks down at you. "Where is it?" His voice is dripping with need and all that you can do is point to the dresser. He moves away from you and you listen as he digs through a draw. He laughs and you realize that he's probably in the top drawer. Ever since you'd gone off to school you'd acquired a collection of sexy odds and ends. But if you know Karkat, and you like to think that you do, then he won't grab any of those things.
What he wants is much more personal than a vibrating cock sleeve.
You hear the rustling of foil on foil and he comes back with a bottle of lube and a roll of your condoms. You don't know if he'll fit into them.
You don't really care.
You lift your head and watch as he strips off the rest of his clothes. You can't help but to be amazed at how compact he is. You've seen guys that have worked out before, but his muscle looks intimidating. Like if he thought about it long enough he could find a way to snap you in half. He's not big, but he's definitely intimidating to you.
He opens a foil packet with his teeth and slides it over his length. Like the rest of him, he's compact. Not long, but there was a distinct weight to him. He moves back towards you and pulls at the top of your boxers. You shimmy to help him get them down as quickly as possible.
Once you're naked in front of him you can feel his eyes dissecting you.
It occurs to you that he's probably killed men. He'd been in the army, after all. You decide not to bring it up. You watch as his hands move, opening the bottle of lube and rubbing some on himself. He leans forward and wraps his hand around your cock, forcing you to moan. It's been so long since rough hands have touched you. You can't even remember the last time you'd been with another man.
After Karkat you'd mostly gone after women, only occasionally sleeping with men that wanted to break you.
You learned quickly that you weren't cut out for that. You were too frail. Bruised too easily.
You're brought back to the present by a finger pressing against you. You wrap your fingers in his hair and he leans forward, kissing at your stomach then sucking hard at patches of skin. You pull at his hair, trying to get him up to your lips and he takes the cue, moving his hand away from your cock and rubbing against your side.
Your lips mash together as your tongues dance like two lost lovers, finally reunited.
As you kiss, his finger presses inside of you easily, this isn't the first time you've done this after all, and soon he presses in a second. He presses in deep, but it's more teasing than anything. He barely brushes against your prostrate and the touch just makes you groan for more. He slides in a third finger letting them press up. You keen as he spreads them inside of you but whimper as he closes them again to pull them out.
Your breath hitches as you feel his tip press into you and then you let out a moan as he presses forward.
His silence has you worried. You've never known Karkat to be this quiet.
But you can't concentrate on that. He's moving into you agonizingly slowly while his lips are moving at a needy, hungry pace. The dance of your tongues has gone from a languid waltz to a frantic rave. You wrap your arms around his neck and your legs behind his back, pulling him in faster. He presses in and you feel him flush against you now.
He lets out a little moan. The first sound that he's made in a while.
As he makes his little noise, he pulls back and presses in again, roughly. His pace goes like this, pulling back and moving forward roughly. After a few passes, he's found your prostate and is hitting it with each thrust. You press back against him as you arch your back.
He keeps his mouth pressed against your but you can feel him straining not to make noises. You break your mouth away, panting and squint up at him, trying to see more of his face.
"It's fine, Karkat," you pant and swallow, "you can make noise. I want you to."
He smiles and rests his head against your shoulder. "Thank fucking god." His voice is raspy and deeper than normal, like he's straining to keep it even. "You have no idea how much I've fantasized about this." He nips at your shoulder but sits up, still thrusting, and holds your legs. "I've wanted to see your spread out like this for me for years. I've wanted to just throw you down and fuck you. To break you." You groan. His voice. If it was sexy before then now it's the voice of a god come down to earth.
"More." It's the only thing you can think to say as he talks and thrusts into you.
He smirks and lifts one of your leg a little, kissing your bony knee. "Of course you want more. You're a little slut aren't you?" You moan in affirmation. Yes I'm a slut and I'm especially a slut for you. That's what the moan means. You're not sure if he understands, but he thrusts faster, harder. "You're getting off on being put down. Of course you would. The one person in my life that I hate more than myself is getting off on being told how terrible he actually is."
You moan and arch your back again. You don't care what it s he's saying. Just so long as he doesn't stop speaking.
And he doesn't. He goes on and on, going from telling you how horrible you are to how amazing you are. Like he still can't decide if you're fucking or making love. You're not sure either if you're being honest. But whatever it is, it's sending you over the edge.
The heat pooling in your abdomen is almost unbearable and Karkat's moved one hand to pump lazily at your cock. Not hard enough to make you come, but not slow enough to not be noticeable.
You glare up at him. "Just fucking do it!"
He smirks and licks his lips. "No I think I'm gonna make you beg like a good little boy."
You breath harder as keeps up his pace thrusting into you. You wonder if he's having a hard time standing. You hate to think that he's not feeling anything, but you just really want to come now. His thumb brushes against your head and smears some of the remaining lube there, mixing with your dribbling precome. You lick your lips and demean yourself. "Please."
"Please what?" His voice is rough, licking through your senses like a cat's tongue.
"Please help me come." You're whimpering now. Unlike him your voice is warbling and high pitched. He moves his hand faster and harder, keeping pace with his thrusts and you can feel yourself coming with a high moan. A hot sticky mess sprays over his chest and your stomach, but he keeps thrusting into you.
This is where he gets to fuck you ragged.
He's still talking, but his words are nonsense, spattered with "I love you" and "I hate you" and "Don't leave me."
After a harsh minute of his still hard cock pistoning into you, he moves back then forward with a slow gentle movement and finally comes. He moans out your name and stays inside you until he's done coming.
He slides out of you and peels the condom off, tossing it in the trash by the bed. He flops down next to you and doesn't say anything.
You look at him and smile. "That was something, Karkat."
"So I'm not KK anymore?"
"I told you that I do that to my friends. Seems like you're a little more than that now."
He smiles. "Really?"
"Yes really."
"Can you still call me KK? I... I kind of like having a nickname." His face flushes more than it already is as he looks away.
"Yes, I can still call you KK."
He looks back up at you and presses a soft kiss to your lips. It's so much more gentle than the kisses you were exchanging earlier. He brings a hand to your face and cups your cheek, his fingers brushing against your ear and side burns. When he pulls back you both let out breathy sighs and he smiles at you broadly. Such a rare sight on him.
You have to squint to keep him in your field of vision. "KK?"
"Yeah Sollux?" His hand is still against your face, and his fingers still brushing softly at your skin.
"Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?"
You shrug a shoulder. "Those I love you's. And I hate you's."
He bites his lip and averts his eyes. "Yeah, uh, I guess I did."
You sigh and move a little closer, wrapping an arm under his. "Which do you mean right now?"
"Right now?"
"Yeah."
He swallows hard. "All of it probably."
"I can deal with that."
"What?"
You smirk. "Remember when I said I loved you?"
"Of course, dick pony."
"I lied. I still do."
You hear him laugh excitedly. "No shit?"
"No shit."
He presses a soft kiss to your shoulder and you can feel him smile. "You're not going to disappear then?"
"Not unless you want me to, KK."
He holds you and rolls so that you're on top of him. It's a little awkward with his diminutive height, but you just curl up as best as you can. You try to not jab him with a knee or an elbow, and he doesn't complain, so you think that you do all right.
But none of that matters. Suddenly you're seventeen again, cuddling with the boy that you love and hoping that it never ends.
You brush a strand of hair out of his face and press another light kiss to his lips before falling into a contented sleep.
You dream of a life where you never lose this.
And you realize that it doesn't have to be a dream.
