Chapter 2 : Kairi

"The use of the verb gustar is particular. Let's take an example: A ti te gustan los paopou frutos? Here, gustar holds with los frutos and..."

I am trying to listen to our pretty Spanish teacher but my Mom always says, and I have to give her reason for this one, that I have the attention span of a squirrel, so after listening attentively for more than twenty minutes, I lose my concentration and my spirit starts to wander.

Being in the same class, my eyes automatically search for Riku; sitting straight without looking like a snooty bourgeois (only Riku can manage that), he looks focused on what Mrs Cassassus is saying. Top student oblige.

Once more, I begin to think about how appreciated Riku is, the star amongst the students, perfectly integrated, with every single girl necessarily having or having had a crush on him and with every boy just loving his company, may it be for his talent in sports, his intelligence (a team project with Riku is the sure way for a good mark) or his overall nice character, which makes so much enjoyable spending free time with him. In short, he is extremely popular; I wonder, sometimes, how he manages to have time for me. There are people who would certainly die to be in my shoes, what with me "monopolizing" Riku every day after class and sometimes even the week-end.

I could not blame them: his bright green eyes are sparkling under the too much long silver bangs caressing his forehead. His tan skin makes the unusual hair colour stand out more, adding to the overall enchanting air he possesses. His pretty nose is straight and gives him a Greek profile who could put Cleopatra to shame. The curve of his lips is the most expressive part of his face, tight-lipped in seriousness, slightly curved upward in utmost gentleness or stretched out in cruel arrogance.

Because Riku can be arrogant. And mean. At least, sometimes he really is. All cute and nice on the outside, but when someone is dumb enough to mess with him, Riku becomes a demon. It is difficult to say for sure, but I think he has some sort of superiority complex and a nasty possessive streak that he cannot help but act upon.

A dangerous hidden nature that made itself known years ago: something happened that could have... no, should have ended our friendship, or at least should have shaken it to the core. And yet nothing happened.

There was nothing official between me and her, so I had no right to complain. I was too slow, he was charming, like always... it was bound to happen.

I sigh thinking about the girl I almost had. Or is it the girl I only wish I had? Or the girl I did not know if I wanted to have before I lost the opportunity to actually have her?

It does not make sense at all, huh? Let me explain...

The girl in question is Kairi, a pretty and nice girl I met on my first year of middle-school. We had quite a few things in common and I really enjoyed her company. After some time (meaning some years) it just felt right to me to think having feelings for that cute red-haired girl.

I was really nervous when the time came to confess to her, though. I do not know if I should've waited more or, thinking too much how to proceed, if I'd waited too long.

A bright Monday morning (hot day, feeling of holidays approaching) I thought I decided to invite Kairi over at home to ask her out. I had everything prepared for the occasion: I had tidied my room until it sparkled, I had warned my mom about my project so she wouldn't accidentally disturb us, I had bought Kairi's favourite ice cream... I wanted it to be simple and clean, so I stayed myself.

Riku did not come to pick me up that day, he had told me beforehand, so I did not worry. It was when I arrived at school and entered my classroom that I saw them.

Kairi, wearing the standard blue-and-white checked skirt with a white (and slightly unbuttoned) blouse, laughing happily and, more importantly, hanging on Riku's arm.

By the way of it, everything looked like they were a couple.

A damned happy one.

Riku was smiling brightly, speaking to a guy seated in front of him while another one was seating on the desk, Kairi laughing at the on-going joke and holding so lovingly on his arm...

I was struck speechless.

When she finally looked at me I thought to see an embarrassed blush on her cheeks, but she just kept talking as if I did not exist.

Riku had not even noticed me.

Roxas, my very best friend, my twin as some people say because we look oddly similar, took me out of my stupor and made me sit at my desk.

I remember everything that had happened the few weeks before Riku and Kairi became a couple. Between Kairi and I, had I been the only one seeing the possible romantic relationship we could have had? Had I misinterpreted those subtle signs? When had Riku grew any feeling for Kairi? Why had he not told me beforehand? How could I have missed it?

Time passed and Riku and Kairi were revealed to be the perfect couple; I could hear the girls whispering about how lucky Kairi was, the boys commenting about how Kairi was a nice catch and the bolder of them asking if they had done it yet?

At the beginning I wanted to talk to Riku about it. I wanted to get mad at him. To give him a piece of my fucking mind! Had he not seen that I was about to ask Kairi out? That I wanted her? It was a clear betrayal coming from my oldest friend and I was ready to fight, even though I would have certainly lost, but I did not care: I wanted to hurt him just like he had hurt me.

I walked home with him in a silence that could have been cut with a knife, but before we arrived, far away from everything and everyone on that deserted street, I abruptly faced him glaring viciously.

He looked at me patiently with a cool look on his face, not looking phased in the least, or the slightly bit guilty. Not at all. Green eyes, so beautiful and dangerous, staring at me like the personification of judgment and justice, emotionless face carved in the purest golden skin, waiting for me to say anything, daring me to say anything.

And then, any determination or anger I was feeling vanished. I've never been the kind of guy to boil for very long. I thought about it and I realized a number of things. One: I had no right on Kairi because no one ever said that something romantic was going on between the two of us. Two: I had not talked about my feelings to Riku, I wanted to keep it a secret, I had only told it to Roxas, who had suggested going with the flow. Three: until that moment, I had always believed in the rule "bros before hoes". After all, to be truly honest with myself, did I like Kairi so much that I would destroy everything between Riku and me?

In the end, I've never said anything. I gave Riku the benefit of the doubt, "maybe he didn't know", and obviously, for choosing Riku, Kairi was not interested in me, so I had no right to be angry. It was her choice.

The subject had never been brought up between us. Riku never talked about her. It was like nothing had changed.

I had been such a coward.

I let all those disgusting feelings inside, hoping to forget them, trying to focus on something else and forgetting about girls in general. It was like that first failure had marked the beginning of a long disastrous love life so I did not even bother trying with someone else.

In the end, Riku and Kairi's relationship did not last that long. After the holidays, classes resumed and they broke up a few days after that. I do not know what had annoyed me more: seeing the perfect couple every day or realizing that what I would have taken seriously with Kairi did not seem to mean shit for the both of them.

Riku did not change anything in his behaviour, we spent the same amount of time together (which was weird, since usually, when you have a girlfriend, you have definitely less time to share). I think Kairi tried to talk to me again: she had waited after school where we used to meet before, but I never went to her. She had waited, seemingly for nothing, and I just walked past her like she was a stranger.

Yes, I was resentful. I hated feeling that. I thought that without her I could've just forget and I could not bring myself to just keep going like before. It would've seemed fake. I could not forgive her.

She acted embarrassed, like she acknowledged that yes, she was guilty, that she stabbed my heart that I was about to offer to her.

With Riku, it was different. Riku never acted guilty. He was not, was he? Keep pretending and you'll believe it in the end. I could not stay mad at Riku anyway; my parents would probably organize a reunion to solve the problem: Riku would be innocent and I would not have any valuable argument to be mad at him. I had no right. None at all.

I've never talked to Kairi again.

I keep spending time with Riku.