Author's Note: Hello people! As you can clearly see, I am back with another chapter. I feel like the writing style may put some people off at first considering it's all very summarized. I did that mostly because I was trying to build a bit of background on Wally's declining condition and thought process, and show a little about what had happened prior to his hospitalization without really showing you what happened. I wanted the emphasis to really be on the aftermath of his breaking point and show his recovery as opposed to how he got there. Things are going to slow down from this point on, after this chapter, and there will be a lot more dialogue and lot less recapping. Regardless, I hope you've enjoyed this so far and hopefully I can get the next chapter up soon. Happy reading!

Disclaimer: If KND was mine, I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it.


Very little changed after that Tuesday Wally decided to disappear. He started a new chapter in his U.S. history textbook and, at times when the room had gone quiet or the teacher had stepped out, found himself staring into the pages longingly, almost as if trying to see past the ink and through the paper for some sort of answer to questions he didn't really realize he had. Sometimes he stopped to imagine his face there, a photo by his name in bold. Wally wondered if he would ever see his picture in a book like this. Deciding no, he wouldn't, he'd turn the page and skim over a paragraph about colonization. He'd retain very little and cram the information in a day before the test. Sometimes this worked, but more often than not it didn't. Kuki would tell him to study harder, to take things more seriously. He would tell her not to worry about it. He knew that high school grades did not matter anymore. All he was destined to be was yet another statistic. He didn't blame her for not understanding.

One by one he marked off the days on his calendar. To him, it felt as though 2015 had just begun the day before. Despite this, he reached for a Sharpie and drew a big X on the month of February, perplexed at how the year seemed to be passing him by so quickly. He flipped the page over until he was staring down at the month of March and tacked the calendar to the wall near his bedroom door. Hoagie had gotten him this calendar from the Empire State Building on his trip to New York City late the previous year. Wally really liked this calendar. He enjoyed observing the photography that came with each month. Sometimes he stared at it while lying in bed (sometimes squinting, as he was finding it more and more difficult to see things clearly from across the room) and pictured himself there, in The Big Apple. Sometimes he imagined he was dancing on Broadway, not that he was ever much of a dancer. Other times he was blinded by the lights of Times Square. Others he was staring up at Lady Liberty herself, whispering to her that he liked her eyes, even if they were rusted and void of life. He imagined the street food was good, like the hot dog stands around each corner or the waffle trucks lining the streets. Wally made himself a promise that he would one day take a bite of that apple. He promised Joey he would, too, though he knew this was only something he would ever taste in his dreams and would never see to fruition.


"I don't know why, Joey. We can Google it later. Now come on, grab your coat. We've gotta go to the supermarket before the florist closes up shop," he told his brother one Saturday. Their mother was turning 43 and they'd decided to surprise her with a nice bouquet of roses, her favorite. Joey suggested cake and an elaborate macaroni dinner. Wally suggested they make her breakfast in bed, but later retracted the idea once he realized his mother had an early appointment with the doctor. It was only a check-up, she said, to make sure things were going fine with the baby. Wally slept in until 10, finding he was always tired. When he woke up his mother was gone, and his father had already left to work. Joey buttoned his coat as Wally struggled to tie his boots. Getting the six year old ready to leave the house always seemed like an impossible task, but somehow Wally managed to do so in great time.

Walking hand in hand, as Joey insisted, the two made their way down the icy streets in the direction of The Market, a place their family frequently shopped at (and a place Wally frequently judged for its uncreative name). Joey asked to hold the basket and Wally did not bother to fight him about it. He grabbed two boxes of macaroni and placed them into the basket, beginning down the various aisles. Joey followed closely, though struggled to keep his hands off of things he found on each shelf. Wally grew impatient as they argued over what sort of dessert to get. Wally reminded Joey that the cake was for their mother, and not for him, and that they couldn't possibly get chocolate cake because their mother did not like chocolate cake. Joey pouted his lips and slammed his foot onto the floor, angry and devastated, then grabbed a box of chocolate cake mix. Wally, who had dealt with the young boy's irritability all day, looked tired. He removed the box from the basket and placed it back onto the shelf where it'd been found, pulled the basket out of his brother's hands (with a slight struggle), and told the boy "enough, Joey!" and "I don't care" and also "stop your crying or else I'm going to leave you here." They picked up the flowers and left.

Once home, Wally set the bags on the counter top and started the Frozen DVD for Joey, knowing it was one of the few ways to get the child to sit still and get out of his way. He placed the bouquet in a vase that his mother had saved from the previous year and filled it with water. He made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but first one for Joey, then responded to a text from Hoagie that he'd forgotten to reply to before. He later allowed Joey to help prepare the yellow cake mix and put it in the oven to bake. Wally had never been much of a professional in the kitchen. He often cooked things too long until they were left charred and black. Baking cakes was easy, though, still he created a reminder on his phone to check on its progress every so often so as not to risk burning down the house on his mother's date of birth. Carefully he pulled the sponged bread out of the oven and left it to cool. He read over the instructions for the macaroni nearly four times before he began to prepare the food. He'd always been horrible with directions, and his cooking typically consisted of sandwiches, cereal, and microwaveable TV dinners. All things he could make for himself and for Joey without risk of total disaster. Despite his concerns for their safety and satisfaction, Wally did his best to cook the dinner for his family (as simple as it was), wanting his mother to be impressed and surprised on her special day.

"Everything's looking great," she told them when she arrived home that evening. She'd been out with her friend Claudia for most of the day after her appointment, leaving the boys to prepare their gifts. Wally was glad that his mother had a friend she could spend time with outside of the house. She had always seemed rather lonely and unsocial, considering she had stopped working after Joey's birth. Claudia was someone she'd met at a book signing some time before. Wally liked Claudia because she was nice and really had taken a liking to Joey. Claudia didn't have kids or a husband of her own. Wally sometimes had the suspicion that the woman was a lesbian, but he wasn't entirely sure how to confirm this. "The doctor said that the baby is healthy and developing as it should. Thank God for that, the best birthday present ever."

She teared up when she saw what her sons had prepared for her after her arrival, eying the cake and the pasta and the roses that they'd placed centerfold on the dining table. She engulfed them both into a loving embrace and told them how much she appreciated them going through all the trouble. Joey explained how they hadn't gotten chocolate cake because she didn't like chocolate cake. In return, she told him that she was the happiest woman in the world.

Later, when her husband called to tell her he had to stay late at the office and work overtime, her expression grew dark and her enthusiasm dimmed. She thanked the boys for the meal and excused herself, claiming that she was tired after such a long day out running errands. Wally felt bad for his mother and later tried to engage her in a conversation about the fetus inside her, asking whether or not she would finally find out about the sex, something she had been holding off from the beginning. She liked surprises. She told him that she didn't know, "maybe soon", and that he could leave if he wanted to. She could watch Joey for the rest of the night. She knew how tiring it could be caring for the boy all day, and wanted to give her first child a chance to see the friends he had hardly seen all week. Wally secretly wanted to stay, simply because he did not feel like talking to anyone, and also because he did not want his mother to be lonely on her birthday. She promised him it was fine and that she wouldn't be lonely because she had Joey, then shooed him away. Wally gave a sigh but smiled and kissed his mother goodbye. He left because he knew that it would make her happy, recognizing that she seemed very apologetic lately, almost as if tortured by secret guilt. Wally knew his mother had a lot to be guilty for, but found himself uncomfortable with the notion that she was finally starting to realize this herself.


The remainder of the month seemed to pass faster than really necessary. Once Wally had blinked on a Monday only to open his eyes and find that suddenly it had become the Tuesday after the next. He spent most of that afternoon on Netflix, binge-watching a show about the FBI. For a few moments he imagined himself apart of the series, clad in uniform from head to toe, armed with weapons. He caught an escaped murderer and became a national hero, winning the heart of his love interest, Sandra (played by some actress whose name he could never quite remember despite how hard he tried). Afterwards, Wally would wonder when it was he became so involved in these sorts of fantasies. Much of the time it felt like he was living in another world, in another life, inside of his own head and never quite taking notice of the universe around him. Wally wondered if this could possibly be the reason why the time seemed to be evading him. Perhaps he spent so much of his time thinking about being someone else, about being somewhere else, that he'd disconnected from his own reality. Curious and amused but not really caring, he continued with his viewing. Abby texted him and asked if he was coming to her house for scary movies and popcorn. Wally told her he couldn't because he had a stomach ache. She told him to feel better.

Near the end of the month, Joey expressed his sudden interest in the art of magic. He'd watched The Incredible Burt Wonderstone the day before and told his older brother how he hoped he could get a magic kit for his birthday that summer, so he could be like the guys in the movie. Wally told him to behave and pick up after himself and that maybe his wish would come true, as long as he deserved it. Joey asked Wally to teach him some tricks that he knew. After finding himself disappointed with his brother's quarter-behind-your-ear trick, he demanded the other YouTube how to fool someone with a deck of cards. Wally did the research for him and later Joey tried the tricks out on their father. Later, he asked Wally what sort of trick he wanted to learn next. Wally told Joey that he wasn't sure, that maybe he would learn to perform a vanishing act. Joey told Wally that it would be impressive, but that he preferred him to learn something else. He didn't want his only brother to vanish. Joey cracked an inappropriate joke about a walrus that he'd made up on the spot then ran of to play with his blocks. Wally sat there in silence for a few moments, chest hurting.

It hurt to look at his brother after that conversation, as harmless as it'd been. Wally knew that Joey admired him dearly, and the feeling was mutual. Wally had never been too fond of children, Joey being the only exception. He felt they were too noisy and whiny and often had sticky fingers. He hated the way they smelled and cried and made messes. Wally was almost sure he would never have kids of his own because the idea of a family like that did not appeal to him. He was never sure that he would even find a woman to marry.

He'd hit a growth spurt during 7th grade and had become nearly the tallest in his circle of friends (he and Hoagie were almost neck and neck). He'd played sports and prided himself in his figure, though slim and deceiving. His skin had always been a lot clearer than Hoagie's, and Kuki often told him he had the nicest smile, but Wally knew that he was no heartthrob. In fact, in this new school with all these new people, he was a nobody. The idea did not bother him all that much. He was comfortable with his quiet, freshman status at Gallagher High. Before, he had tried to overcompensate for his insecurities by throwing himself out in front of everyone's eyes. He'd done just about anything to gain attention from his peers, even going as far as becoming the dubbed "class clown". Though Wally knew that he was next to nobody now, he no longer seemed to care. He had never become the heartthrob that he'd imagined himself becoming, but at some point had rounded himself out and come to terms and acceptance with what he was, and what he had to offer.

Wally knew that he was not a bad person. He wasn't the idiot people had always made him feel he was. When he applied himself, he proved just how successful he could be. He was funny and, at times, charming and a bit too loyal. His looks were average and most people seemed to like him, at least once they got to know him. Once a girl in science told him that he had the prettiest eyes she'd ever seen. Wally told her thanks and she told him that she'd been wanting to talk to him for quite some time but had never gotten the courage to do so. Wally had always been a bit of a social butterfly, but around girls he grew shy and uncomfortable. Though he hadn't been chased around by the cheerleaders and the popular girls at school, Wally knew very well that he still wasn't the worst guy in the world. Sure, his voice cracked sometimes and his hair was near untamable and his fashion sense was lacking but he had a lot of good qualities in him that he knew people appreciated.

Still, Wally often considered the poor to overshadow the good within him. Though he could be sweet when he wanted to, much of the time he came off as a jerk. In 7th grade, someone had called him a bully. He liked picking fights with other kids, mostly because he'd felt the urge to prove himself to them, though unsure why. Wally had learned to not be so abrasive as he aged. His fuse was still as short as ever and it didn't take much to upset him, much like his mother, but he'd matured enough to know not to always act so quickly on his feelings. His friends had helped him a lot with that over the years, calming him when they saw he was getting out of control and reminding him to think before acting. Though he still faced moments of weakness, Wally had mellowed out considerably since middle school and now seemed to be less affected by the world around him.

Despite all that, Wally sometimes felt like he was a horrible friend and a horrible person to be around as a whole. He could be mean when he tried to be, and sometimes could be mean without. At times he'd taken his friends for granted, had expected too much from them. He appreciated his family but dreaded the thought of being near them. He resented his mother and his father for their mistakes when he knew quite well that he made just as many. He cared for his younger brother more than he'd cared for anyone in the world, yet at times he struggled to not want to avoid him for the rest of his life, not wanting to deal with the stress he brought him. Sometimes he imagined graduating high school and moving away to college, far away from anyone he knew. Sometimes he forgot to feed Saint, the family dog, and sometimes he didn't feel as guilty about it as he maybe should have.

For those reasons, and quite a few others, Wally often found himself sitting and screaming inside of his head, hating himself. He was not a terrible person, and couldn't have been considering he was loved and cared for by so many people around him. Yet he knew all too well he was so far from perfect, and this bothered him. Wally considered himself a good brother because he watched out for Joey even when Joey didn't need to be watched out for. He held his hand when they crossed the street, picked him up from his playgroups, and made him sandwiches when their mother wasn't home. He distracted him when his parents were arguing, even took him to the park with his friends just to get him out of the house. He sat there and tried to look interested when Joey told him facts about bugs, even when he didn't really care for them. He told the kid he loved him every night before he went to bed, and sometimes sat at the edge of the tub while he bathed, if only for the company. Wally knew that he was doing his best for his brother, a child who needed far more attention than his family could provide. But he felt that maybe his best was just not good enough anymore.

How could he consider himself a decent caretaker when thoughts of leaving clouded his head throughout the day? Wally knew that Joey needed him the most, more than anyone else. He was looked up to for inspiration and support when the boy lacked this from his own parents. Wally sometimes felt like Joey was the only person who truly depended on his existence, and most often than not that was enough for him. But lately it had been very hard for him to think about much else aside from the desire to no longer exist. Wally realized he had been depressed for quite a long time, but had realized at a point he assumed a little too late. Though getting through the day to day was a struggle, he did so with his head held high. The transition into high school had not been as traumatic as he'd been warned, though trying to keep up with schoolwork and grades was beginning to wear him thin. Everything seemed to be wearing him thin. Wally often told himself he wished he could pause time or disappear, that life was passing him by too quick for him to handle, but it hadn't been until that Tuesday in February when he'd really started to consider this to be his only option.


Wally wasn't sure that he wanted to die. The thought of dying terrified him, the idea that it could hurt. Wally thought this was a silly thing to worry about considering he was hurting all the time, but still felt like a coward because of it. He'd heard that it was more cowardly to give up than to keep fighting. Wally had always been a fighter, but he'd come to realize that he had only been fighting himself all this time, and losing. Some days the thought of leaving consumed him so much that he could not even focus on the television, on his video game competitions with Hoagie. Once his friend had passed him a knife in the kitchen as they prepared snacks. Wally took the knife and imagined himself digging it through his own throat. He even felt his heart begin to race at the thought that he would not be able to control himself from those urges. He knew that he would end up hurting others with his actions, should he complete them. Wally once imagined himself stabbing his brother. He knew he would never harm Joey in that way but still the thought made him feel sick and dangerous. He'd closed himself off in the bathroom, turned on the shower, and cried for thirty minutes.

Wally even had dreams about his demise. Once he'd dreamed of being on stage at a magic show, being the sole performer. His family sat in the audience, Joey beaming, his mother's stomach kicking. His best friends were in the second row: Hoagie, Kuki, Abby, Nigel. Surrounding them were teachers, the principal, even the family dentist. Wally, adorned with a mystical cape, gave a wave and performed his final act. He grabbed the pistol from his assistant and placed it up against his neck. The audience cheered and looked on with wonder as he burst into tears. His hands began to shake, and he hesitated, but somehow pulled the trigger. He awoke that moment with a start, shooting upright and finding himself in a dark bedroom. Hoagie was lying beside him, asleep. Wally looked at his phone and found it was only 4:23 in the morning. He could not fall asleep again after his dream, scared that it would come true. Later he realized he and Hoagie had played a shooting game before bed, and blamed that for the idea, though the thought continued to shake him all week.

He reminded himself that he was not a bad person for feeling this way, that sometimes people just felt sad for no reason. He knew the statistics. He knew that this was a common thing and that he was not the only one who struggled through this sort of issue. He knew help was around, that good health was around, and all he had to do was reach out and grab it with his hands. But Wally felt angry and ashamed and disappointed in himself for letting it get this far. He hated talking about his feelings, hated admitting that he needed help. It took so much of him to tell his mother when he wasn't feeling well, took so long for him to tell his own best friends that he was upset about something. He knew that he was surrounded by people who would do anything to help him feel better, but he did not want to burden them with that obligation.

Wally had always tried to take care of himself, and he swore that he would always do so, even when others couldn't. He wanted to remain strong for his brother, to show everyone that he wasn't crazy like his family was. Wally knew he could not dare to show any hint of weakness or else everything riding on his shoulders could collapse, taking him and Joey down with it. Wally wanted this to be easier, and knew that he had waited too long to wave his white flag. Feeling stuck and hopeless, he despised what he had done to his loved ones. He felt that just the consideration of hurting them like that was worse than actually doing so. He didn't deserve to be near people who were so genuine. He felt that he did not deserve their love and understanding. He hated himself because he knew that every day he was twisting the knife in their backs, further and further pushing it in until one day he would kill them.


He tried to do something about it one day. Once he told the teacher he needed to see the nurse because he wasn't feeling well. The teacher excused him and sent him to the office where he met with a middle aged healthcare worker. She asked him what was wrong and he told her "everything". She asked him to be more specific and he told her that everything was hurting, that he did not feel well in the slightest. She took his temperature and told him that he did not have a fever. That he could rest there for a moment if he needed to, and to drink some water. He remained there for the rest of the period, when finally she told him to get to his next class. Wally teared and told her that he wanted to go home because he really did not feel well. When the nurse said she could call his mother for permission, he withdrew his statement, afraid of his mother knowing. He agreed to return to class and finished the day feeling ill. Later, he knew that he'd screwed up a real chance to speak to someone about his problems. But opening his mouth had been too hard, making words had seemed impossible. Wally knew how to say he wasn't feeling well, but he still did not know how to say why.

The next day Nigel asked him why he'd missed biology. Wally explained that he spent the period in the nurse's office because of a headache. Nigel commented that Wally had been getting sick a lot lately, and that maybe he should see a doctor about it. Wally laughed and told Nigel that a doctor couldn't help him, that he was far beyond that. Nigel seemed confused by this, so Wally left with the excuse "I need to go pick up my brother". He said goodbye to his longtime friend and cursed himself for being so weird. Wally had caught himself saying things like this every once in a while, things that raised brows and earned him concerned glances. He knew that he was beginning to behave strangely around his friends, but that was only because he was trying so hard to behave normal when he didn't feel the same.

On a Wednesday, Abby asked if everything was "okay". Wally said "yes", that everything was "okay", considering it wasn't great. She said that she just wanted to remind him that he could speak to her about anything, that they were friends and that she would always be there for him if he needed anything. He told her that she was gross and that he hated when she got all sentimental like that. She said it was only because she cared but dropped the subject, knowing that she would get nothing from prodding. He told her with his eyes that he appreciated her words, but inside felt conflicted. He knew that he could trust Abby, but he worried what she would think or say about his problems. About what anyone would say. He told her to stop worrying so much and to lighten up. Everything was fine and they had a night of joy awaiting them. The gang met at the arcade at 6 and stayed out later than they should have. Wally enjoyed himself, found himself laughing a great deal of the time, but felt like vomiting when he got home.

It was only when he began to avoid his friends that their concerns started to overwhelm him. Sometimes he went out because he felt like he could. Sometimes he felt so free and so content that he wanted to talk and surround himself with his friends for days at a time. Sometimes he felt so satisfied just being around them, being out of the house. Some days his mood was so elevated he really felt like perhaps his problems were over, and that he had made it. But other times this elation would come crashing down on him, reminding him that he was still just fooling himself. Some days he went out with his friends to get away from his parents. Some days he went just to get his friends to stop asking him questions, to stop being so suspicious of him.

He'd been making excuses a lot more lately, about how he wasn't feeling well, about how he needed to babysit and how his mother said they could have no visitors. Sometimes he told them he had a paper to do or that relatives were visiting from Australia. Once he said he had a dentist appointment and that later his family was going to dinner and then stopped replying to their texts. At first his friends did not find this all that strange, but once the lies started building up they knew that he was merely trying to avoid being near them. They harassed him when he made another excuse, pestered him into knowing why he had become so distant. Kuki said that she was worried about him, that they all were. He became defensive and angry and told them to drop it. That he was fine and that he was just busy. Abby gave him scrutinizing looks and Nigel became irritated, claiming that if he was really their friend he would tell them what was going on. Asked why he didn't want to be around them, and if he didn't "like them" anymore. Wally grew furious at the accusation and told them that maybe he didn't. He had to blink hard to fight off the tears he knew wanted to escape and made another excuse to leave. Hoagie, distraught and ridden with worry, placed a hand on his arm and grabbed him. Wally pulled away and told him to leave him alone, he was going home. He did.

The next day he apologized to them, claiming that he was just overwhelmed with school and stressed because his family was having problems. They told him they got it and that it wasn't an issue. That they understood. Wally wanted to tell them they didn't, almost wanted to tell them that he wanted to die, but thanked them for forgiving him anyway. He told them that he would be okay and that they need not worry, but he had a lot on his plate lately and that he had a lot to take care of at home. He promised that he would not ignore them anymore and would try to not be such an ass, but warned them that he may not be around quite as often in the near future until things settled down. They told him to take his time, that they were there for him if he needed anything, and said their goodbyes. They gave him his space when it was obvious he needed it and did not pry for answers, knowing that he would not give them any.

Wally admired that his friends were so supportive of him, that they had it in their hearts to forgive him and give him another chance when he had been so cruel to them before. But it further perpetuated the thought that he was not worthy of having them in his life. He spat out lie after lie in their faces, and pushed them away when he really only wanted to reach out for their hands. Conflicted and unsure, he watched the world close in on himself. He had never felt more alone in his life and he knew that it was his own fault. He considered that things were better this way, anyway. That this was better for all of them, and that he could no longer hurt them if they weren't speaking to each other. But despite this he found himself sitting and dwelling on the feeling of solitude that overcame him. He had always been alone in the world, and the realization was hitting him as hard as an eighteen wheeler.


On a Saturday in mid April Wally and his friends went to a baseball game. He had to admit it was nice seeing them, considering he hadn't seen much of them in weeks. The sky had cleared up and the weather had become mild in recent times, bringing them a warmth they hadn't cherished since the summer before. Their team won and they took many photos to remember the festivities. Wally's face hurt from smiling so much but knew it was a good pain, one he wished he could feel more often. When he went home that night, he stared at the photos and tried to relive those moments of sheer joy. He went to bed feeling positive and hopeful, even woke feeling a similar way.

That Tuesday, at school, Kuki introduced the gang to her new boyfriend, Zeke. He was a football player and was very tall and very muscular. Wally tried to remain polite and shook the sophomore's hand, not wanting to upset his longtime friend. Wally had pined over Kuki since the fourth grade but had never gotten the courage to say anything about it, not even to himself. It seemed as though the others knew, judging by the unsettled looks they shot in his direction when he smiled. He'd been teased about his yearnings for years, and it amazed even himself sometimes how Kuki seemed so oblivious to this. He grew weak and nervous around her, never knew how to say no, and never wanted to see her sad. He knew that Kuki was happy and that she wanted her friends to like her boyfriend, so Wally pretended to because it was important, even though inside everyone knew he wanted to send his fists flying. After he greeted the older boy, Wally excused himself to the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. Hoagie rapped on the door a few moments later and asked if he wanted to talk about it. Wally told Hoagie to "fuck off" and to "leave it alone". Hoagie did, upset, and Wally missed next period.

He didn't come to school the next two days. Wally explained that he'd come down with a case of the stomach flu, that they could even ask his mother for verification. He'd been nauseous and weak and puked a few times. Wally saw Kuki approaching, Zeke at her side, and said that he still wasn't feeling well. He said perhaps he shouldn't have come to school and left home at lunch.

Wally knew that he was falling behind in school again, but focusing seemed much too hard when he felt so awful all the time. His falling behind only caused him more stress when he tried to catch up, and he felt consumed and surrounded by responsibilities he didn't believe he could handle. He woke in the mornings with a stomach ache that lasted days at a time, dreading the thought of coming to class and leaving his room. Once he had shown a moment of weakness and cried to his mother, saying that he didn't want to go to school that day because he didn't feel well. She didn't believe him. She told him that he'd missed enough days already and that the excuses would no longer work. Wally begged her to let him stay, to have pity on him, but she sent him off. Wally knew that ditching would land him in trouble, that the school would call his mother again, and went to class.


One Sunday, Wally's mother told him that she had had enough of his father. The man was never home, always working late on assignments, always making excuses to disappear. She said that she hated the man for who he'd become. He had supported her too little throughout her pregnancy and had become a pitiful father. Wally knew that his mother was just upset and that she needed to vent, so he let her. He told her that he understood that it was hard but that his father loved her and he knew it. She said that she no longer loved him, and that things had gone far enough. Wally begged her to reconsider, to give herself a moment to calm herself before she did anything drastic. She seemed frustrated by this piece of advice but took it nonetheless, thanking him the next morning for talking sense into her. She told him she loved him and that she wouldn't know what to do without him. Wally felt like he'd been sucked into a black hole. He knew, in theory, that this should have bothered him. But he had grown so numb by now that it was hard to register the pain he should've felt, and the guilt. When he tried to cry in the shower he found that he couldn't, even though he wanted to.

At the end of April, Wally told Hoagie that he didn't think they could be friends anymore. Hoagie was confused and didn't understand, demanded answers. Wally told him that he hadn't been a good friend to him, or to anyone, and that he didn't deserve to be surrounded by people he was only using and hurting. Hoagie told Wally he did not see things that way, that Wally wasn't a bad friend, that he was just going through a bad time. Wally said that he felt so awful for being such an asshole for so long and that he hated the way he'd been treating them. Hoagie told him to stop being so hard on himself and realize he was blowing things out of proportion. Wally told Hoagie that he was upset about Kuki's new boyfriend, Zeke, and that he was sorry for snapping at him in the bathroom that day at school. Hoagie told Wally he understood and that it was okay, that he didn't hold it against him. Wally told him that he should and that he wanted him to because it wasn't fair how they were giving him so many chances he didn't deserve.

Hoagie asked Wally if there was something else that he wanted to talk about. Wally told Hoagie that he felt scared that things were so out of his control, and Hoagie did not know what to say. Wally told him not to worry about saying anything because there wasn't anything that needed to be said. Hoagie said that he was concerned about how Wally was doing, to which Wally answered "me too". When Hoagie tried to say something else, Wally told him he was signing off from the chat and to please "tell the others" what he said, to remember to tell them "I'm sorry". Hoagie tried to keep Wally online, asked if maybe he wanted to talk on the phone or in person. Wally said that he didn't want to be friends anymore and signed off. He never signed on again.

Two days later, on a Wednesday, Wally came home from school to find the house empty. Claudia, his mother's friend, had invited her on a trip out of town to a wedding. Wally's mother seemed interested in the invitation but hesitated to accept it, unsure of leaving her family behind, even for just a few days. Wally assured her that everything would be fine, that she should go out and enjoy herself before the baby came. He could handle Joey for a few days, and they had their father if they needed anything. Wally's mother accepted the offer but only after deciding to bring Joey along with her, as Claudia suggested. Joey had never been on a road trip before and he seemed very ecstatic about one. Wally told his mother that this was a terrible idea, that she needed to relax and not worry about kids for a while, but she refused to leave the boy behind, her concern too great considering she'd never left him for more than a night. Wally tried to convince her to reconsider, to leave Joey with him and his father (who still seemed to be obsessed with his work), but deep down inside felt relieved at the notion that he'd have the house to himself for almost five days. Claudia said everything would be fine, that she loved Joey, and that they would take him to an amusement park on the way. Claudia asked if Wally wanted to join them on their mini vacation but Wally said he couldn't afford to miss more school. Wally's mother agreed.

At 4:02, Wally grabbed his phone and willed himself not to lose consciousness. His heart was beating much too quickly and his breaths were strained and short. He knew that he was having a panic attack and that the moment would pass, but this time things felt different. Wally felt as though things would not be okay after this. That he would never be able to catch his breath and feel better again. Wally knew that he had reached the end of the line, that the kettle had finally boiled over. He felt his hands shaking and his cheeks wet, and he sat himself on the edge of the sofa to calm himself. He coughed and felt as though he would become sick again, that he would cry until he gagged too hard vomit came up. He stared down at his phone through watery, clouded eyes and wondered who to call. He didn't want to worry his mother on her vacation, or his father at work. He'd avoided his friends at school for the past couple days, after his strange conversation with Hoagie on IM. Wally knew that if he called them they would answer, but he felt much too guilty to do that to them. He had pushed his friends around so much and he didn't want to keep playing games. He was afraid that they would answer and he would be forced to explain things. That they would judge him or think down on him for it. He worried that he would tell them he was stuck only for them to not care. Hell, he was even afraid that they might not answer at all, that they had really had enough of his drama and moved on like he'd begged them to.

Horror rained down on him and he knew that this was the day he would reveal his final performance. Wally had grown much too tired to continue his act. Wally knew that nobody wanted to watch anymore, that his tricks had become dull and exhausting and disappointing. He regretted the way he'd treated the people around him for months. He resented them for sticking by him when he just wanted to let the darkness overtake him. Being sad was easy and at times Wally felt comfortable that way, knowing that he was at least feeling something. Other times when he'd felt numb and indifferent, he yearned for the feeling of hopelessness if only for the sake of feeling anything. Of feeling alive. He knew that feeling miserable was not worth much, that he might not feel like that forever if he changed things, but looking into the future and seeing something else seemed so difficult. Time seemed to be passing him, life itself seemed to be carrying on without him, not giving him time to catch up when all he felt he needed was a pause and a break. Wally knew that he would not be able to keep up with the constant demands of life for much longer. He woke too weak to get out of bed, too anxious to leave the house, and too ill to even eat. Wally knew he didn't want to die, but knew he didn't want to live. He knew that drowning in the white was the only thing left for him to do. That it was the only way he could get away from the miserable reality he had regrettably created for himself.

Scared but determined, he set down his phone and stumbled towards the bathroom, choking on a sob. His fingers trembled when he pulled the bottles from the medicine cabinet and he fidgeted so much that he almost couldn't open the first bottle, he was much too frantic. The world spun when he placed the first pill into his mouth, drowning it with water as he swallowed it. He swallowed three before the bottle fell to the floor. His hands clutched the corner of the counter so hard, feeling it the only thing from keeping him from following it. His heart raced in his chest and he suddenly heaved, spitting into the sink. He couldn't breathe through his nose and could feel the bile rising within his throat. He caught glimpse of himself in the dirty mirror and knew that he had to call somebody.

He did not want to die alone. He did not want to die at all.

He called 911 at 4:12 and told the dispatch that he didn't feel good and that he didn't want to be by himself. They asked him how old he was and he told them he was sorry. That he wanted someone to come get him. They asked him if he wanted the police or the ambulance and he said he didn't care, he just didn't want to be by himself anymore. They told him the ambulance was coming with their sirens off, to sit outside and wait for them if he could. He told them to stay and not hang up the phone, that he didn't want to be alone while he waited. They told him that he was okay, that he was going to get help, and that they would remain on the line until the paramedics arrived. They asked him questions about his family, about what his favorite movies were to ease his nerves. Wally found it hard to reply to these questions but tried anyway. When the ambulance arrived, Wally thanked the operator and hung up the phone.

He watched as the paramedics exited the vehicle and approached him, mouths moving. For the first time in a long time, Wally felt the earth stand still. Their steps fell in slow motion and he could not make out what they were saying. He took a deep breath and realized how quiet things were around him. No longer did it feel like life was racing past him. For once it felt as though life didn't exist. Like the world itself had just stopped being. The planet had stopped spinning. Suddenly, the 15 year old was hit with a wave of relief that crashed over his head and made his knees weak. He disappeared under the surface, knowing he would never resurface again.