I do not own MASH!

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Dear Diary!

Reading my last entry some 30 years ago, I am almost close to tears. I swore to never talk to you again and never dream again. Oh how wrong I was. Being tough seemed to be a good plan, but plans are there to look at and then fate kicks in and you will have to do what happens to you, no matter what you want to do. My plan, more than anything else was to become daddy's little soldier. I wanted to be the kid, that followed his path and I wanted him to be proud of me. And I managed to but still my life didn't turn out, the way I wanted. I wanted to be happy. The pursuit of happiness isn't that, what is written down in our constitution. Deep down in their hearts everybody is looking for happiness. Some get it from their job others from money. I tried both and believe me it didn't work out, at least not for me.

I worked hard to be a good nurse, I turned out to be an excellent one, at least that is, what everybody told me, but it didn't make me happy. I was content. I love my job, love being a nurse and it makes me feel good to help people, to even rescue their lives from time to time, but with every year going, every patient healed I felt less and less happy, loneliness nagging on soul.

I tried my best to be a good officer and I was. Not many people make it Major in such a short time, at least not when working in the medical area. Back than I didn't mind selling my body, back than it turned me on to be with old Generals. Maybe because they somehow reminded me of my father, but mainly because power was incredibly sexy in my eyes, I don't know. Still, today I am feeling ashamed of myself. I was nothing but a cheap whore to them, worshiping the ground they walked on.

And then: entrance Frank Burns. In a way he was something like my first steady boyfriend. In any other hospital I was the whore for every doctor, but though I had other lovers in good old 4077, he was the one I was going steady with. He didn't love me, maybe he was thrilled and I think if I hadn't taken the first step, we never would have gotten that far. I made him love me. I still don't know whether I really loved him. Deep down in my heart I had a sweet spot for him, but whatever I did was using him. I wanted a family, a rich man, or at least a wealthy man, who was situated. Someone I had control over, to be honest. Having control assured not having anyone disappoint or hurt me.

But I am a woman and the older I got, the more I learned, that a woman has to be worshiped by her one and only prince charming to be happy. Someone who brought flowers, organised a romantic candlelight diner or booked a love trip to some nice place for the weekend. I know that this is a lot to expect from a single man, but at least some of the things should occasionally happen in a woman's life. We need that. We need to be worshiped. That's why I felt strangely attracted to Charles, though he never was my type and even his money wouldn't have been able to buy me.

But before my short flirt with Charles, there was Donald and listen, dear diary, I don't want to loose more words than necessary, but one advice: never get married to someone, who doesn't know your name after the first night, you spent together! Never ever!! And Scully? He was sexy for sure, but a total flop. I am sorry. I am getting carried away.

And then came Hawkeye. Well, he had been there for three years, a pain in the ass, a total slob, a drinker and womanizer and, lets be honest, a gorgeous kisser and though I never tried a passionate lover – you hear people talk. That was him – full of passion and to my own surprise I had to learned, that he was also full of compassion for almost everyone who was in need or needed some one. He just couldn't let people alone. Sometimes I hated him for that. He came to my tent and stayed until I finally broke and talked. When I had talked I was always glad he was so intrusive, but I hated him for the time before I finally had decided to talk, when he kept staring at me, his dark blue eyes full of compassion and, what astonished me, hurt.

It is strange to say, but the last 8 months in Korea was probably the best time in my life. Finally I had made some friends. Real friends, that didn't like me for my looks or respected me for my skills but really liked me, the person that was behind all that. But then the war was over and I was glad it was, still it was bittersweet losing all the people I started to dearly love. I will never forget the last diner we had together. Everybody was so glad to go home but at the same time felt sad to go and suddenly, having the same feeling as all the others, I really felt part of them. After diner I went to my nurses and hugged all of them and then went to my tent.

I was surprised to hear a knock on the door and was even more surprised, when Hawkeye entered. He was nervous. I could tell by the way his eyes avoided mine before he started to talk. I will never forget those words: "Margaret, we have been through a lot together and seen both good and bad sides of life and each other. When we arrived you I hated you more than anything. You were standing for everything I hated and behaved that way also. But I have gotten to know you better over the years and now I respect not only your skills as a nurse, and you are the best goddamn nurse I ever had the privilege to scrub with, but also as a person, and I have come to have feelings towards you. Please don' t say anything now. I don't want to give you a hard time with this, but I cannot leave without telling you, that I have come to love you."

With that I sat down hard on my bunk and stared at him. I had some feelings for him. Every now and then I would be more then jealous when he made a pass on one of the nurses and I think I was a little in love with him. Nothing serious for sure. He smiled at me, turned and left me alone. I paced from my bed to my empty closet and back for five minutes and then went to bed, wondering about why he had told me. There was no hint, he wanted me to love him back, become his girlfriend, lover or even wife. He had behaved more than strangely and I decided to fall asleep. Saying goodbye the next morning was more than awkward and at first I thought he regretted his late night revelation, but when he kissed me I was sure he loved me.

Back in the states I fell back into my old habits. A leopard never changes his path they say and not knowing anyone in that small and cold Midwest town the only possibility for me to survive was to kick in gear and go straight forward to getting promoted to Lt. Colonel. Dad was very proud and even took the time to come and see me getting my new oak leaf. But being back to the states also meant dealing with my family of course. Christmas '55 was like hell. Katie of course was the nice little wonderful daughter and her two girls were perfect copies of her. I hated her for being so perfect and I hated her for having a good looking husband who not only had his life in order, but also was making quite some money. What made it eve worse, that dad liked him, although he never ever had even set foot on military ground. I felt betrayed.

In 1956 I worked even harder. Dad was beginning to really grow old. We didn't meet that often, but whenever I saw him he seemed he had aged for years and not for months. And instead of getting closer we drifted apart. Men weren't in my life at all. One thing I managed was to at least not falling into my old steps, when it came to sleeping with every General or doctor that happened to be within 20 miles of where I was living. I had some dates with really nice guys, but I wasn't up to more, and as soon as they found out, I wouldn't invite them to this very special cup of coffee after the third date I never heard of them again. They would look in the other direction when passing by on the corridor the first week and send me strange cold gazes.

And then Dad died. When they called me to tell me about his heart attack I felt my feet slipping from under my body and when he died I felt nothing and then all of a sudden I was free. The next hours where like in trance and when I finally woke up and got on the plane towards Crapapple Cove I finally felt better. I will never forget the moment when he opened the door. I could tell that he was shocked! He must have been speechless for about half a minute and knowing him, that really was a very long time for him. I didn't know what to say either. The only word, I managed to get over my lips was a halfhearted "Hi". When I started to shiver, he seemed to have found his speech again and asked me to come in.

He guided me through the hall, placing his hand slightly on the small of my back, sending shivers down my spin. We entered a big dining room and my heart dropped from the sight that opened up to me. The big table in the middle of the room was set for diner. A grey haired man was just entering with a soup bowl from another door I assumed must be the kitchen. Two gorgeous looking women and a handsome man were standing near one end of the table chatting. One of the women was holding a baby and some other kids were running after a small puppy. A about one year old was waggling towards Hawkeye and when he got a grip of his trousers Hawkeye bend down and lifted him up, smiling brightly at him.

With that I let out a giant yawn and glance to my watch: 3:00. I look out of the window. The sun was far from rising yet, but for some strange reason I woke up and decided to come here. Yesterday the parcel with my diary had arrived and it had stirred up quite some memories. Mum moved in with Katie and wanted to get rid of stuff, mostly my stuff it seemed from what she had been telling me on the phone two weeks ago. And today, today is my fortieth birthday. Another yawn, I close my pen and my diary, get up and turn out the light. Pausing in the bedroom door staring towards my bed I feel a tear slowly running down my cheek.

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I know I am evil, but what would you do, to make someone read the next chaper. ;)