I decided to update every week, just thought I'd let you know.

That means, assuming I don't have a severe case of self-hate in a particular week, that you'll be able to read a new chapter every Thursday.

Don't expect a literary masterpiece. English is only my second language, so I apologise if this is hard to read.

Thank you.

2012

„Dan? Do we have any milk left?" asked my boyfriend of three years while sitting in front of the open fridge.

"No, if there's none in the fridge…" I answered, rolling my eyes. Our lives were as normal as could be, seeing as we were famous YouTube celebrities. And a normal life meant running errands, and that's what we'd have to do.

"I'll go grab some then. Do you want anything?" he asked looking at me expectantly.

I just shook my head and went to sit on the couch, then reached for my laptop and turned it on.

"See you then!" shouted Phil, walking out of the living room and some shuffling and muffled sounds later I heard the door shut.

That's when my façade crumpled. It was one thing I couldn't bear: being alone.

I swallowed nervously and put my laptop away, as I'd only used it to pretend.

To pretend that I wasn't broken. To pretend that I could still function properly.

But that was a lie.

In reality, I anticipated the moment Phil would find out. The moment he'd find out the reason because of which I refused to have sex with him.

It had taken me so long to recover, secret therapy sessions helping me along the way.

Phil couldn't know. If I told him, he'd be his sweet, innocent, naïve self. He'd convince me that he'd never use me the way he did. And at one point or another, I'd give in.

And I would be an object again.

I had tried to have sex in the past, and it had always ended the same way.

Frowning I stood up and went to the sink to splash some water into my face.

It didn't help much, but it hid the tears that threatened to escape.

I didn't hold them back. Phil wasn't home, he wouldn't know.

My mind was centered around this one big taboo topic. I couldn't focus, couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. To be honest, I really wanted to be connected to Phil that way, but I knew that I couldn't handle it.

Laughing quietly to myself I walked back over to the sofa and lay down on it.

It was so ridiculous.

That something like inserting your dick into another person's butt could hurt on an emotional basis.

I giggled, which made everything seem even more hilarious.

Surrendering to the laughing fit, I curled into a ball. My tears were soaking the sofa and my vision was blurry, my throat sore.

It was too much.

And even though it hurt so much, I could never bring myself to cut. One thing I was proud of.

It would also prevent Phil from finding out that there was something wrong with me.

No visible scars, no problem.

I laughed some more until it turned into sobbing. I wanted to be happy so badly.

And I was, most of the time.

But then, when I was alone, I had time to think. Time to think about things I didn't want to think about.

Sniffing I wiped my tears away and put my head back to rest on a pillow.

Sleep would prevent me from thinking.

If only I could sleep forever.

I jolted awake when I felt hands on my lower back, and turned over to reveal Phil.

Obviously, who else did I expect?

Phil smiled at me in his friendly Phil kind of way and leaned in to kiss my forehead, then reached behind him and held a small glass bottle in front of my face.

"Um, Phil, what's that for?" I asked nervously. It looked a lot like lube, and I didn't want to have to reject him again.

"It's massaging oil!" he exclaimed excitedly, which caused me to exhale in relief.

It hurt me too to refuse sex.

"Take off your shirt and lay back down!" Phil then ordered and tugged on the hem of my shirt.

I obliged smiling back at him, threw my shirt on the floor and flipped over so I lay on my stomach.

Seconds later his cool, smooth hands were on my naked back massaging my sides, gliding up my spine and continuing to softly knead my shoulders.

I let out a quiet moan and dug my fingers into the sofa.

Phil's fingers worked magic. They proceeded to press into my shoulder blades, then down my sides again.

"Mhh, Phil…" I sighed contentedly and heard him giggle above me.

"You should consider changing your occupation…"

His giggle turned into a muffled laugh.

"I couldn't do that now, could I? I couldn't leave you alone with all these crazy fans."

Nodding in return I turned my head so I could look at him over my shoulder.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you, too"

Phil smiled and I put my head back on the pillow as he went back to gently squeezing my shoulders.

Running his hands back down my back he didn't stop, even as he reached the waistband of my shorts.

But that didn't startle me. What caused me to throw him off me and off the sofa onto the floor was the fact that
he had succeeded to pull them down a tiny bit and was now rubbing my butt.

He landed with a loud thud and hit his head against the wall.

"Ph-phil, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." Phil said plainly and stood, holding a hand to the back of his head.

He inhaled and held his breath.

"But…why? I know, we never really talked about it. I just don't know what to do."

He flopped down next to me.

"I really love you Dan. And if you
want to wait, I'll wait. Is it me? Or…do you not want to have sex at all?"

I stared at him dumbfounded while he twiddled his thumbs, then shook my head.

"Phil, it's just…I can't. I want to but I can't."

Now it was his turn to look at me confusedly.

"Why?"

That was a good question. And I didn't really know how to answer in a way he would understand.

He was so nice and naïve, I wasn't sure if he could handle the truth.

"Can we not talk about this anymore please?" I inquired, looking away.

I felt ashamed. I was weak. Why couldn't I even tell him that?

I yelped as he spun me around almost violently.

"P-phil?"

"Don't. Dan…" He had an almost painful expression on his face.

"If you can't trust me, does this even make sense? This whole relationship thing? Is it because you didn't want to hurt me when I confessed my love to you some years ago? Dan, I need to know. Please, just tell me what's bothering you."

He heaved a sigh.

"You've been acting off lately. I worry about you so much…" he finished and let go of my shoulders, facing the floor.

I could tell him. I could let go. But would it work out? I didn't know.

"I was raped when I was 16." I blurted out and bit my lip, tears springing to my eyes.

How would he react?

We sat in silence for a few more seconds, and then I could feel his arms around me pulling me into a tight hug.

I hid my face in the crook of his neck and only then did I notice he was sobbing.

"Phil..?"

He pulled back a little and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Dan…"

"Don't be. Do you…want me to tell you more?"

Nodding he hugged me again and held me close while I tried to find the right words.

"It happened very often and…it was a man my mother met at church. When…when I came out as gay and as an atheist she got very…"

I swallowed, "…upset."

Phil looked at me wide eyed. As if he couldn't believe something like this could happen.

He really was naïve.

I then felt his hand ruffle my hair.

"I love you, nothing will ever change that. We don't need to have sex. You're all I need. Just take your time, we will take this slow." He whispered smiling kindly.

Tears once again started streaming down my face. He was so nice, I couldn't take it.

We lay on the sofa for a few more hours, cuddling in silence all the while, comforting each other.

At some point we went to bed.

I slept by his side that night.