Danny's P.O.V
Me and Ben walked in silence round the corner to the cafe. Ben looked distracted, lost in thought. I don't know how he'll react to the news. I'm in love with my best friend, its fucked up, why of all people did it have to be Ben. The main person I don't won't to lose, I had to fall in love with. What's wrong with me? I'm a constant fuck up and I'm being ridiculous thinking that someone like Ben Bruce would like someone like me.
I led Ben to one of the booths in the back and ordered us a breakfast of pancakes and bacon, his favourite, in hope he will be more concentrated on eating than me coming out to him.
'B-B-Ben...I need you to know something.' I stuttered. Fuck. He's looking at me like I'm crazy. He looked kind of scared, it made me want to cuddle him until he felt better.
'Sure Danny. What's up?' Ben asked as he stuffed his face with pancakes and bacon. I took in a shaky breath, sliding my food around my plate. I wasn't in the mood to eat, my stomach was doing summersalts. 'Ben...this is something I've tried to tell you for so long...its hard for me to tell you this...' I played with my hands, trying my best to avoid Ben's piercing blue eyes. 'Well I'm gay Ben and I have feelings for someone in the band.' I didn't dare look up I couldn't bare to see the look on Ben's face. I knew he would be disappointed. We were best mates and we told each other everything but this was something I couldn't tell, my dirty little secret.
'Its okay Danny, I mean Sam and Cameron are gay together. But who in the band do you, um, like, I mean there is only me and James, unless you like Cameron or Sam...' Ben looked down at his knotted hands, his cheeks flushing red.
I paid for the bill and left the cafe trailing behind Ben. How could I tell him? When would I tell him? He deserved to know, he already knows I like someone in the band, surely he knew it was him. I always planted little hints off-stage and on-stage. I suppose he thought it was just part of the Brusnop act we had for the fans.
'Ben.' I stopped outside the lot where the bus was parked. Just tell him Danny. Don't be such a pussy, stop being such a fuck up, do something right for once. Ben turned and half smiled, damn he was hot. No wonder the girls loved him, he was gorgeous. 'You know when you asked who I liked in the band?' He nodded the rosy pink rising in his cheeks again. 'Well...its you Ben okay...I think I'm in love with you.' I looked up to see Ben glaring at me. He looked pissed, it hurt me. Ben Bruce the love of my life hated me now. Danny your such a fuck up, why do you do this to every person in your life. You fuck up everyone around you.
I couldn't stand Ben looking at me like I'm a piece of shit anymore, it was killing me, the only person I've really ever loved, looking at me with serious hatred growing in his eyes. I ran past him, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face as I ran past the guys and into the bathroom. I looked up at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and red. My cheeks tear stained and blazing red from embarrassment. Jesus Danny get a grip, you knew this would happen. Ben isn't into guys. He's into girls, whores and sluts. Your nothing to him anymore. You've fucked up big time.
I rummaged round the small medicine cabinet above the sink. Razors. The only thing that will stop the ache forming in my heart. Ben had rejected me. He would hate me. I looked at the small scars already on my wrist. I pealed my shirt off and threw it on the floor with the rest of the dirty clothes. Multiple scars and scratch marks on my stomach and back. I pushed the razor deep into my arm, waiting for the crimson ribbon of blood to drip on the floor and cover most of the blade. 'Replace emotional pain with physical pain.' I whispered to myself as I covered the fresh cut with a plaster to hide from the boys.
The worse part about this was that no matter how much I cut the heartache would never go away. I have loved Ben for too long for this to just go away. I envy Cameron and Sam for finding each other, for being happy, they are the lucky ones. I will never be happy, all I've ever wanted was Ben, he is perfect in my eyes but he'll never feel the same way about me. It killed me every time he bought a whore back to the bus to fuck then to throw her away like a used tissue. I'm in love with Ben Bruce and nothing will change the way I feel.
