"I'm here."

Remus clung to those words as he grasped her body, shaking like a leaf in the autumn wind as beads of perspiration formed on his forehead. He buried his face in her hair, trying to erase the images of her lying broken and deathly still in the Ministry of Magic and the sounds of Bellatrix's high laughter as she watched her niece fall to the ground.

Tonks could feel him trembling in her arms as she smoothed her hand up and down his back, trying to soothe away the remnants of the recurring nightmare that had robbed Remus of hours of sleep in the past two weeks. "It's alright, love," she whispered fervently into his ear. "I'm here."

"Oh, Merlin, Dora." Lupin tried to collect himself, already coming back to reality thanks to the touch of her hands and the feel of her, whole and alive, in his arms. Her voice was quiet and intoxicating, and he pulled back, his hands framing her sleepy, concerned face so he could look at her properly. She smiled at him reassuringly, reaching up to push back a stray lock of hair from his eyes.

"It's over now."

Lupin shook his head as he released her and threw his long legs over the side of the bed. "But it's not," he replied shakily.

Tonks twisted her hands in her lap, frustrated that she could not help him through this. He still hadn't spoken of that night with her. Every time the names Sirius or Bellatrix came up, Remus' mouth would tighten and his normally enigmatic face would become even harder to read than usual. Tonks had become accustomed to quickly steering the conversation away from her aunt and cousin, but the nightmares that wracked him had become more and more frequent until they were occurring almost every night, sometimes more than once. His blatant refusal to tell her what happened, to share with her one of the most painful nights in his life, hurt her deeply. She had let him get away with not talking about it, writing off her own pain over his apparent lack of trust in her as selfish and childish, two things she fervently hoped he never considered her to be. She didn't know if it was for her protection or his, or both, but things simply could not continue this way. "Maybe it would help if you, well – maybe if you talked about it."

"I can't." Remus stood abruptly, walking to the window of Tonks' bedroom and staring sightlessly down the dark street. "I won't – can't think about that night."

"Remus, please." Tonks slipped from the bed, sliding her arms around his waist and pressing her forehead between his shoulder blades. She felt him stiffen his her embrace, making it like hugging a brick wall. "Just tell me. You can trust me."

Remus turned to face her, and looked down in her eyes. "I know," he murmured, rubbing his hands down her arms. Tonks could see the lines of grief across his face, around his eyes. In the moonlight, he looked about a million years old, though Merlin knew with all the ridiculous fuss he was making over their age gap, she would never say that aloud.

"I just want to be able to take the pain off your face, love," Tonks said, cupping his cheek with her hand.

He placed his hand over hers and closed his eyes for a moment, just relishing her touch. "Come on," he sighed, grabbing her hand and leading her towards the doorway. "If we are going to have this conversation, we'll need some help."

Tonks sat at her kitchen table, watching Remus pour them two glasses of firewhiskey. He slid one in front of her, then sat across from her, studying the contents of his glass with apparent interest. She knew he was simply trying to decide how to start the conversation. She tried very hard to exercise patience, that virtue that seemed to come hardest to her, as she waited for him to find the words he needed to use.

"I was just trying to see past all the spells flying around," he began quietly, still not looking up at her. Tonks knew he was seeing every moment from that night in his mind, and for the hundredth time since she had woken up to find her cousin was dead and her lover was broken, she wished more than anything that she could erase his mind of those horrible images.

"Malfoy had grazed me with a nasty stinging hex, and it was all I could do to get into the room where, well – where he…left us." Just the thought of Sirius, with his devil may care attitude and barking laugh made his chest constrict. "Then I turned, and all I could see was you." Remus paused for a long gulp of the whiskey in his hands. He glanced up to see Tonks watching him quietly, and he couldn't help but give a small smile. "You were going at Bellatrix with all you had, and in that moment I was incredibly proud – of those kids, of the Order, and of you." He reached his hand across the table, and Tonks took it, squeezing his fingers gently as reminder that she was still here. His smile faded from his lips as he continued to recall that fateful evening's events. "I cannot remember any time in the last sixteen years I have ever been so frightened as when I saw Bellatrix hit you with that last spell." His adam's apple bobbed as he swiped a hand down his face, trying to compose himself. "All I could think as I watched you fall was that the last thing we had discussed before we went to the Ministry was who would be cleaning the kitchen after dinner. The last thing I had said to you was some bloody drabble over cleaning." He stopped, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "And I remember thinking to myself that I had lost my chance to tell you how much I loved you."

At this, Tonks walked around to him and stood beside him while he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her side as she stroked his head lovingly. She held him that way, trying to gain control of her own tears. Merlin knew that what he didn't need was her getting all weepy. He was the one waking up shouting her name, Sirius' name, Harry's name every night, his eyes wide with terror that left no doubt he was still reliving that hellish night. So much had fallen upon him in the wake of that evening that he had not been able to deal with it in the daytime. She was determined, however, that this night would lessen, if not end, the night terrors that wracked him and shook her to her core. After a minute or two, she grabbed his chin and made him look up at her.

"You need to know this, Remus Lupin. No matter what happens, I will always have the knowledge your love in my last moments, whether it's tomorrow or in fifty years. As, I hope by this time, you will have of mine."

Remus nodded, his eyes still shining but seemingly in more control. Tonks sat in the chair next to him, her hand still in his as he clutched it like a lifeline. "I didn't really have any time to react, then. Malfoy was still trying to hex me, and I saw Bellatrix start in on Sirius." Remus smiled sadly at the memory of watching the cousins battle it out. "I think in that moment, when he was dueling with Bellatrix, he looked happier than I have seen him all year. And then…" he stopped, squeezing his eyes shut as if the harder he squeezed, the blurrier and less painful the memory would become. He rubbed his hand across his face and dragged it through his hair, letting it fall back onto the table. "She hit him, and he stumbled back, through the veil. It happened so fast, but it felt like it took a million years to watch him fall, while I just stood there, fucking stood there, Dora, and watched my best friend leave us. Leave Harry. Leave me."

Tonks bit her lip to keep from sobbing at the pain and self-recrimination in his voice. Her heart wrenched as she realized why Remus had held this in for so long. He was ashamed of himself for not saving Sirius, for not keeping him safe. For not keeping her safe. For not being able to spare a young boy the pain of losing the only real family he had ever known, even if it was for a short time. Sometimes she thought Remus' noble streak was the most self-destructive thing about him. She framed his face with her hands. "Look at me," she said, angry at the tremor in her voice. She had to be the strong one now, dammit. Remus avoided her gaze, almost as if he were afraid to accept the forgiveness he would find there. "Look at me, Remus!" she said, her voice rising a notch. He finally, slowly looked up at her. "This was not your fault," she whispered fervently. "You must know that. Do you really think you could have kept him away after we got that summons at Grimmauld? Bloody hell, Remus, he would have knocked us all out if he thought for a second we would really try to stop him."

"I should have tied him down in a chair," he said hoarsely around tears that were clogging his throat and threatening to drown him. "I should have hexed the door, the floo. I should have beat him bloody unconscious." The vision of Remus beating anyone unconscious was almost heartbreakingly funny, but Tonks let him continue. "I should have kept him there, somehow. I knew how frustrated he was with being cooped up here." He laughed hollowly. "I thought I'd let him come along, get out some of that energy and anger that's been stirring around inside him since last year. Merlin, what the hell was I thinking?"

"We can't live by should'ves, love," replied Tonks. "You think I don't wonder every day what would've happened if I'd been good enough to beat Belltrix? Sirius would still be alive, and I wouldn't have to sit here and watch you suffer because I lost you your best friend and my cousin. The only blood relation I've ever had that didn't consider me a blood-traitor freak."

Remus shook his head and frowned. "You did everything you could, Nymphadora. You fought. I just stood there – "

"And fought your own battle with Malfoy," finished Tonks. She sighed and knelt down next to Remus. "We are all responsible for what happened that night. Including Sirius."

Remus smiled a little. "He always was a bit of a hothead. Running into things before he thought things through. That was always what got him and James in so much trouble at school." His smile faded. "And I was always the one to pull them out of the fire."

"You can't be responsible for everyone's fires, Remus," Tonks said softly.

Remus sighed. "I know," he murmured. Tonks was alarmed to see a tear trickle its way down Remus' face. In all the time she had known him, even after she had woken up in St. Mungo's, Remus sitting there clutching her hand and trying to find a way to say out loud that Sirius was gone, she could not remember ever seeing him cry. "It's just…sometimes I get so angry when I think of him, so pissed off at him for running in there like some damn hero. For a moment I hate him so much for making me feel this way, for leaving us. Then I hate myself for thinking it." He looked at Tonks, tears now pouring from his eyes and his voice shaking uncontrollably. "How could I hate him, Dora? I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, because all I can see is a man who has come to hate his best friend. He's the one who's dead, not me. And it shouldn't be that way!"

Tonks stood and held him in her arms, his face pressed to her stomach as he wetted her tank top with his tears. She held him as he wept for his friends, lost to death and betrayal, and for himself, lost to feelings that were irrational but no less painful. Her own eyes were brimming over, but she was determined to push aside her own pain to help him with his. She knew nothing she said at this moment would assuage the grief that was ripping him in two, so she didn't bother to tell him that she was glad it hadn't been him.

When the shudders had stopped and his tears had dried up, Tonks took his hand and pulled him to his feet, leading him back to her room. Without a word, she moved him gently into the bed and tucked him in like a child. Finally, she climbed in the bed behind him, spooning him from behind and trying to erase the vision of the empty eyes she had seen when she looked into his face in the kitchen. Her only comfort that night was the feel of his hand over hers, pressed against his bare chest as if she was the only thing holding him to this earth. She thought he had drifted off to sleep, until a voice broke the silence of the night, soft and frightened as a child's. "Please don't let go."

Tonks kissed the back of his neck and nuzzled her face in his hair. "I won't," she promised. "I'm here."

They did not wake until the sun broke the horizon.