Disclaimer: All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya
A/N: And one more note: Eirík starts his diary entries with "Dear Diary" while Berwald starts his with "Dear Journal…"
Ok, enjoy! ^.^
Dear Diary.
If you jump out of a 2nd floor window, is death instant or do you suffer with pained broken limbs and wish again and again for your life to end?
No, I wasn't considering any of that, but I was awake the whole night, thinking about Matthias and Lukas. It felt so alien seeing them having… sex together. Okay, so I know how the whole sex stuff works, but in Sex Education classes, I never really paid attention because the girls giggle and the boys laugh at every picture until it drove our teacher to insanity of our immatureness. I just listen to all the cool guys who brag about the people they hook up with and also it was in the manga that I read every so often. That's beside the point! I just got to get out of here, ignore Lukas and everyone else and-
Someone just knocked. Hold on while I panic and make another stupid mistake…
Eirík.
Dear Journal.
Nothing much has happened, except for Matthias being annoying as usual, bragging about how much Lukas really loves him as I drove the car to his place yesterday. He bounded towards the house and went inside seeing as it was unlocked. He shouted back to me about the suitcases, but I was already getting them out of the car boot.
It was easy carrying 4 suitcases (3 of them are Matthias's) and a young boy walked out the house and stared at me. I knew it's Eirík, seeing as he looked a little like Lukas. He was only mentioned once to me by Lukas some time ago when he said he lost his job and he called for Matthias to reconcile with him for help.
The boy intrigues me. While Matthias was chatting away, Eirík just wrote away in his notebook with a look of concentration that I would use while illustrating my manga and block out all outside noises.
"Just a journal." He says when I ask him what he's writing about. I didn't ask him anymore questions. Eirík seems like an interesting person.
Later on when it got dark, Lukas was kind enough to allow me to stay and sleep on the sofa bed for the night. Eirík seemed dismayed at the idea, already having to deal with Matthias getting back together with his older brother. It seemed ironic that as soon as I wanted Matthias out of my own home in Sweden, he moves away but then it causes someone else to get mad.
So after they all got upstairs to turn in for the night, Tino called my mobile.
He said he was getting married. To Eduard.
My heart dropped, but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I didn't expect to get the call so suddenly.
Instead of turning the phone off straight away, I remembered about my past with Tino and smiled sadly, wishing him the best. In response, Tino delightedly thanked me and my heart beat faster, but it stung my eyes.
I'm going to have to stop writing and get some sleep because I'm driving back to Sweden tomorrow…
Berwald.
Dear Journal.
I heard an odd noise earlier like somebody climbing the stairs. I got out of the sofa bed and crept up the stairs, listening to some soft noises and moans.
The sight I saw disgusted me.
I was by the top of the stairs, but I could clearly see Eirík standing by Lukas's room with a terrified look on his paling face. His hands were curled tightly and his eyes were widened.
I was going to ask him if he was alright when I heard some noises from Lukas's room that sounded like Matthias and Lukas…
I wanted to kill Matthias for being so loud.
When there was silence, I made my move. I said Eirík's name out softly and he swiftly looked up at me with a panicked face. His eyes were glassy. My heart lurched.
"Don't look at me like that!" He spat out and turned and ran.
After that, Lukas walked out of his room wearing a bedroom robe and he glanced down the corridor just as Eirík's bedroom door slammed shut.
"Eirík?" he whispered and peered towards me through the semi-darkness. He didn't recognise me.
"No, it's Berwald," I murmured.
We didn't say anything, but I just walked back downstairs to go sleep in the sofa bed. Instead of sleeping, I just wrote in here.
I felt sorry for Eirík to see his brother in such a situation earlier. But I could tell he didn't like me feeling for him. Maybe I'll have a talk with him if Lukas doesn't say anything.
Berwald.
Dear Diary.
The crack of dawn's ass split to the sky and bright sunlight filled my bedroom.
Yeah. The start of another bad day. And if you think it's just bad, then it just worse for me.
BERWALD.
Yeah. HE was the one who knocked on my bedroom door.
Despite my resolution to keep the door closed until I die, I opened it. Maybe Berwald is a closet serial killer who takes boys in their beds before murdering them horribly.
But instead, I let him into my room and he sat at the end of the bed and stared at my eyes.
"Ya didn't sleep well," he started and I huffed.
"Of course. I was too busy having nightmares of Matthias hurting Lukas."
"Sex doesn't have to hurt…"
That bowled me over. "Then why did Lukas have to yell so loud?" I asked through gritted teeth. I don't care if he thinks I'm a brat for asking these questions.
Berwald then FIDGETED with his glasses as if he were uncomfortable. "That's because… he probably enjoyed it. Very much."
I know it wasn't my place to talk about Lukas and his sexual activities (even though last night was the first time I seen AND heard him having sex with Matthias) but Berwald didn't say anything to discourage me. I could say anything.
I laughed coldly. "Yeah, he missed having that Danish idiot's dick so he calls him over out of the blue to make him feel better and forget that he has me, his family."
"Lukas called him because you're both in trouble with money," Berwald's deep voice changed its tone a little. His eyes seem to tint through his glasses. "You two were in trouble and Lukas didn't call Matthias just for sexual gratification. He needed help so that you two don't end up homeless."
I knew that much. I didn't believe the part about Matthias helping out with money problems. I dunno. Maybe he threw it all away on alcohol. Or he WILL throw it away on alcohol.
Berwald then stood up. His head almost touched the lightshade hanging of the ceiling. "Just give Matthias a chance. He may be annoyin', but he is a nice guy deep down."
I smiled involuntarily. He just called Matthias 'annoying'…
He quipped a small smile before leaving.
Alright, so Berwald isn't as bad as I thought. Maybe things won't be so bad… but I'll have to give Matthias more of a chance. And then I realised how immature I was being. Maybe Lukas and Matthias realise how much they missed each other and then let their passions run wild… yeah… it could be me one day.
YEAH RIGHT!
I better go eat. It may be early, but I think I hear Lukas and Matthias walk down the stairs because of the Dane chattering away…
Eirík.
Dear Diary.
I couldn't say I hated breakfast, but now that Matthias is around, it's going to be unbearable. After breakfast, things went rolling downhill after I said one little thing…
We all sat around the table after Lukas served us our breakfast and Matthias did NOT shut up for more the 10 seconds. I thought my brain was going to dribble out of my ears from his constant yapping. He yapped on that much, I couldn't tell what he was talking about in the first place.
Lukas just nodded and replied with monosyllable answers before going back to eating his breakfast. Berwald sat next to me, just eating quietly. I stared at him as he ate. His glasses glowed lightly thanks to the sunlight that filtered through the window of the kitchen. He stopped and turned to see what I was looking at. He didn't say anything. I immediately turned to my plate and ate the last piece of my toast before I got up and picked up my empty plate. "Thanks, Lukas, I'll do the washing up."
Lukas just nodded in reply. I think he's doing that automatically since Matthias was blabbing on and on about some band called 'Nephew'.
I… don't feel like writing and describing about my washing-up duties since it's pretty pointless as I do that every day anyway, but then Berwald surprised me. When I piled some washed plates and cups on the side, he appeared by my side, rolling up his sleeves and grabbing a cloth.
"What are you doing?"
"Helpin' out," he said with a shrug and picked up a wet plate and began wiping it dry.
"You're a guest. You don't have to."
He tilted his head back towards the table; Lukas and Matthias were quiet. I turned around, but Berwald shook his head, looking like he was agonising deep down. I still looked, only to see Matthias giving Lukas a kiss. It's kinda like a kiss you'd see in a movie. I looked back at Berwald. Even though he doesn't say much and his expression is pretty much the same as always, I could tell he's giving me a 'I told you not to look' look. I stuck my tongue out at him and went back to washing some glass tumblers. His lips turned up a little. "Weird kid."
I spluttered on my own spit and glared at him. "What did you just say!"
"What's wrong?" Lukas asked, appearing behind me so quietly I nearly screamed.
"AGH! Don't do that!"
"Hey, he's just worried about ya!" Matthias appeared next to me and threw an arm around my shoulder. He grinned at Berwald. "Is the nasty ol' Swede scaring ya? I'll prove how deep my love for Lukas is and protect his little brother from the scary monster~!"
"You already proved it last night," I huffed without thinking.
Then we have a deathly silent atmosphere. The only sounds were my own breathing, my pounding heart and the chinking of the glass tumblers as I washed them carefully (and more slowly) in the hot soapy water.
"Can I talk to you when you're finished washing?" Lukas's voice asked me. It sounded like his usual indifferent tone of voice, but with the background silence, it sounded ominous. The glass tumblers in the sink were shivering and clattering nervously together because of my quivering hands. "I'll want to talk to you outside on the veranda. In private…"
Matthias didn't groan and complain about wanting to come along, but I felt his arm being pulled off my shoulders. I'm not sure what Berwald is thinking, but he only watched us.
So right now, I'm sitting outside staring at the small garden we looked after for ages. We only got a green lawn and a few shrubs, but we got no flowers. Flowers die too easily in this cold climate and we don't have time for looking after any… I actually like flowers. This is a little clichéd, but my favourite is the Mountain Avens…
I got to go. Lukas is here.
Eirík.
Dear Diary.
Lukas… really surprises me. But now because of an argument we had, I'm cold and lonely…
When we sat down on the bench outside the house, he turned and put his hands on my shoulders and looked in my eyes. He was frowning.
"Eirík, I'm sorry that you saw me and M-"
"No, you don't have to say anything. I've seen it. I'm disgusted and it makes me feel sick just thinking about it!" I felt so angry. I remembered last night again and again, refreshed thanks to hearing and seeing Lukas right in front of me.
Lukas didn't let go of my shoulders. "You'll think different when you're older." Yes, he DID say that. "Whatever happens between me and Matthias is none of your business, but he is going to help us out with our money problems so we don't end up in the gutter and you won't be dropped out of high school."
"I still hate him…" I mumbled. "It's like you WORSHIP the very ground he walks on…"
"It's not like that."
"Shut up!" I ranted and stood up. "I'm your brother! Your only family left! Did you forget what happened to our parents to land me in your care? They'd want you to keep me close to you!"
His gaze darkened as he stood up. "Did you think I forgot how mangled their bodies were? Did you think I'd abandon you for Matthias? If I did think that, I'd left you a long time ago. I love Matthias, but I love you too. I can't leave one of you without feeling sick. If you're going to hate me because of Matthias, then just move out or something."
And then I just pushed past him and grabbed a coat and then ran out the front door. Matthias and Lukas shouted my name, but I just ran and ran down the street past early-morning shoppers and commuters.
I didn't think of where to go. I just ran and panted hard, trying not to cry. The air was chilly and it felt like ice was growing in my lungs at every breath I took. I only stopped when I got as far as the park, which would've been a 30 minute journey by foot, but somehow I made it there in 10 minutes. And then I found an empty bench and sat down and rested for a few moments to catch my breath. When I did that, I just pulled this diary out and wrote, but it was difficult. My hands felt like blocks of stone and I couldn't even hold my pen properly because I was shaking that much. I don't know what from, but I couldn't relax no matter how much breaths I took… I wished I brought my gloves with me, or even a scarf to wrap around my hands. My jacket was useless in this weather. It's too thin. Why does the weather in Norway have to be so damn cold all the time?
But now I argued with Lukas, I felt too stupidly scared to go back and face him. I needed to talk to someone I know, but I don't have my mobile with me and all the guys I know at school live too far away or they are all on holiday to Spain or whatever sunny country is popular with students right now… There's no way in hell I could go back and talk to Matthias in private. He's annoying AND noisy, plus he'll yell my name and call Lukas over. Lukas is the last person I want to talk to… Berwald… I don't even know him well. He may be the strong, quiet type, but he could secretly be as traitorous as Lukas.
I'm alone.
I shivered.
My eyes stung.
I lifted my knees so I could rest my diary on them or at least get some warmth…
Eirík.
Dear Journal.
Eirík ran away. Lukas had a word with him outside in the garden, but then a while later I heard him raise his voice and then Eirík burst into the corridor and grabbed a coat without saying anything. I noticed he was blinking a lot to hold back tears before he left.
Lukas ran besides me and shouted up the stairs for Matthias to come downstairs and stop eavesdropping on people, but nobody asked or told me what happened. Then I just put on my coat too and I glanced at Lukas, who gave me a wordless nod before I ran out the door and got into my car.
I drove around the main roads looking for Eirík's mop of silvery-blonde hair, but there are a few people here who have the same Scandinavian features as he did. It only took me 5 minutes to scout the places he could've gone to, though I was missing the park which was near the edge of the city. I quickly looked for a parking space and got out and searched the place, but there was nobody around. I eventually found him sitting on a park bench, hugging his knees and shaking like a rusty leaf.
His head snapped up and glared at me with glassy eyes, but I just sat down next to him. He sniffed.
"What do YOU want? Did Lukas send you to find me? Tell him to go suck some balls or something…" he murmured. He tried to sound threatening, but his voice cracked.
I reached over to rest a hand on his shoulder and his glare steeled as his body stiffened, but he didn't brush it off.
"I don't know why you have to be sympathetic," he growled. "You never lost a brother to someone else they're in love with!"
And then I remembered my phone call last night and my chest ached. "No… but I have lost someone I loved."
Eirík didn't say anything, but instead moved closer to me. He moved close until he was pressed against my side and I wrapped my arm around his body. He was trembling. It was like holding an ice cube with a bare hand.
"You're cold," I mumbled into his hair. It reminded me of a warm spring morning.
"No shit, Sherlock," he bowed his head and his hand clawed at the hem of my coat. "I was here for what, 10 or 20 minutes?"
"You run fast to get this far."
"Yeah. Lukas says I'm a good runner. But I think it's stupid."
"What's stupid?"
"Being able to run fast. I don't want it. There are losers at my school who couldn't run for toffee, so they could have my speed."
I chuckled a little and he lifted his head to glare at me. "What's so funny about that?"
"You got something that other people want," I started, "but family and the love you feel for them will never be transferred to anyone else. You can't ever give your love for your family away to someone else because you're born with that love for your brother."
His eyes widened and stared me in surprise.
"…Even if you get into one petty argument, you can't ever forget how much you really love your brother. He knows that too. He loves you too – he'll even give up loving Matthias just to be with you, but right now, he needs financial help so that you two could stay together." I finished.
Eirík's amethyst-purple eyes stared at me. He was that shocked his mouth hung open. I closed it with my free hand. His cheeks flared pink and he pulled out of my arm, huffing as he stood up quickly. "Let's j-just home… I want to go apologise to Lukas…" He shivered violently and whimpered. "I forgot how cold it gets…"
Without saying a word, I took off my coat and put it over his shoulders. He blinked and looked up at me, but he didn't say anything.
As we walked back to my car, I noticed he stopped walking and I turned to see him standing there. His breaths came out in icy puffs of steam.
"Why did you come for me and not Lukas?" he asked. He seemed reluctant to ask.
"I just thought that ya needed help," I answered. It's true. Lukas may be Eirík's brother, but I don't think he knows the right thing to say sometimes. Lukas was always like that. He isn't tactless, but he can be blunt. With someone like Eirík who tends to think things over before saying them, it must be very annoying for him to have a brother like Lukas at the best of times. In a way, Eirík reminds me of myself…
"I didn't need help, but I could've just gave up sitting out here and then go home," Eirík said. "You could've just left me alone until I come back home…"
"I couldn't though, even though I could."
"That doesn't make sense. Just why?"
I trod through the thin sheet of snow until he was directly in front of me and he tilted his face up to meet my gaze. He's rather short despite having Scandinavian blood. The snow pales in comparison to his clear, flushed cheeks thanks to the chilly wind.
"Because you remind me of a Mountain Avens." His eyes widened and his breath hitched in surprise. "Mountain Avens flourish in spring when the snow melts because of the spring's warmth. You can only see the beauty of the Mountain Avens when they bloom…" I raised my right hand and rested it gently on Eirík's head. "…and mature."
He didn't say anything, but he raised his hand and rested it on mine. "…It's unfitting for me to be compared to a flower…"
I smiled slightly and he shivered with a small blush. "…But the Mountain Avens is a hardy flower, which is why I personally find it beautiful."
His long fingers of the hand resting on my hand curled tightly, holding it shakily. I didn't see his face as he hid it, but I could tell from feeling his grip that he was shaking all over, despite wearing my coat.
"…Yeah… thanks… Berwald…" he whispered and the light clouds of steam that wisped from between those pearl-pink lips rose gently and I watched it disappear into the bitter wind.
Berwald.
